The 5 Burning Questions E3 2013 had Better Answer.

So sad.

1. The Steam Box...what's going on here Valve?

What is it? We know it's not the piston because there's no way in console hell a $1000 anything is going to make a difference if your brand don't look like an apple. So is it a cheap PC attached to a TV attached to the Steam network? If so, that's one hell of a gamble. Valve has a hard core group of supporters, but they all have PCs. If what I've been told is the case, how then will they evangelize the console crowd? I have an idea, and that idea is almost as frustrating as my next question...

Flirt!

2. Beyond Good and Evil 2, AKA my achy breaky heart.

Grump.


3. Xbox One. Yes or No answers only.

The core crowd is fuming over just how evasive Microsoft has been about explaining to the public the shadier details of the product they're planing on purchasing. Details like, The publisher has the say in whether a game can be traded. And yet, Microsoft offers a one time, 30 day trial gift thing, to a friend on your list who has been a friend for longer than 30 days.

M'kay, that's certainly different. But here's the rub: "from time to time, Microsoft may change its policies, terms, products and services to reflect modifications and improvements to our services, feedback from customers and our business partners or changes in our business priorities and business models or for other reasons." Translation: we don't know how any of this is going to stick and reserve the right to make everything we've told you about this product irrelevant especially after you've so kindly filled our coffers.

Boo. And I mean ALL the boo's. It's crap like that, that kept me from buying a PS3 until 2010. I can personally vow to not touch either console until a year after launch, because the quote above is basically a platinum card of consumer oriented f**kery. I sir, will have none of it...for a year or two at least. Destiny might be fun.


4. The Last Guardian: So is it coming out or... you know what? I don't want to know.

You have know idea who or what it is...yet, you love this chicken-dog-duck.

The voraciously anticipated spiritual successor to what is literally the Citizen Kane of video games has been trapped in limbo for this entire console cycle. I see the writing on the wall. Either it's dead and buried, or it's a frankenstein-ian corpse of a creative mis-fire. Either way, it belongs forgotten. Would you want to see a long lost Orson Wells film in which Wells himself had walked off the production halfway through? That's what I thought.

Maybe in the last; Jesus, five years, they've managed to turn it around and it will be an earth shattering masterpiece/the perfect swan song to the PS3 as it comes sliding down a rainbow of world peace and then takes us all out for gelato. I'd love to be wrong. I'm also not holding my breath.


5. Hey, Hey, All the Guys! What's this gonna cost me?

That's the real question isn't it? Everyone remembers the infamous PS3 $600 downer from the last console cycle, and it was justifiably the reason the 360's install base had Sony swinging at air all this time. I say no one is going to sell a console at that price, or at least the point of entry won't $600. Industry analyst Michael Patcher says it will be less than $500. That's...generous. But this cycle literally cannot afford to loose, If they do end up costing under $400, expect to spend $200 somewhere else. There's no free lunch in this, or any other business, and I think I know how they're going to get that money back. You ready?

$70 games.

Soooooooo sad.

Beyond Good and Evil 2 tries my patience for the 4th time in 8 years.

Hodup-hodup-hodup... Pey'j? are you here to break my heart again? 'cause I REALLY don't feel like waiting a year in between screen shots of what you claim to be Beyond Good and Evil 2. This started getting ridiculous four damn years ago.

All's I'm saying is at E3 this time? You'd better pick up what you've just thrown down or I'm not buying what you're selling... that's not true. I'd buy two copies if you asked nice enough. And I know you will buddy.

This video came out when I had two years left in high school.

*cries in a pillow.*

Hannibal: Roti Review. What?! oh, Ew! Jesus...wow.

nowwheresmynut

This is it. The part where a show looses steam and the wheels fall off. Sometimes we forgive them and learn to live with their faults for a few seasons. Sometimes the gleaming promise of the pilot isn't enough to keep it from needing a bullet to the head.

This is not the issue with Hannibal. Not. At. All.

This is what the death throws of a major network looks like. It is awesome.

 It is reaching into the rarefied air of shows that started off good and only got better. This is some Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Game of Thrones type stuff and I cannot wait to see what else it has up its sleeve. Because that is one disgusting, horrifying sleeve.

So... what all went down last night? In short; it was the best chapter to date, in long, it was the triumphant return of Eddie Izzard's identity conflicted killer Dr. Abel Gideon. There's a biblical point somewhere in his character, but damn if I can't figure it out. Izzard is wonderful in the part, I knew he would be, whats more important is how they up the ante in the crazy serial killer busy work department. Not once, not twice, but three times I either groaned or gagged or cursed out loud. Se7en, only did that twice. This isn't just a well written and acted show, this is the new gold standard of body horror.

Everyone else has plenty to do as well. Graham, Lecter, Crawford, Doc Bev, and even Freddie Lounds have their parts to play and moments to shine. Graham in particular reaches critical mass in terms of loosing his grip on reality. His lucid dreams and hallucinations are among the most unnerving not just so far, but in the annals of "creepy as f*ck" dream sequences of old.

The special effects, makeup, and action sequences were as feature quality as they always were, but never over indulged. The perverse creativity of the episode's many kills are allowed to shine. As are the eerie, long winded, justifications for their purpose. Not that I mind a long winded script once in a while...I could listen to Izzard read a whole phone book.

But the best news out of all of the fresh blood this show has spilled, is the fact a new order of 13 episodes has been placed by NBC for next year. Fuller has issues not with being a wonderful show runner, but keeping those shows on the air. I'm comfortable calling Hannibal his masterpiece and it does this young heart good to know some of that enthusiasm I feel can trickle down to studio executives. 

Bon Appetit.

Thank...well, not god,but umm...hm.

                                                   

Crackpot Theory: Could this be the last E3?

One of the threes in the name E3 is Nintendo. Curiously, they've decided to skip gaming's biggest annual trade show. Semantic issues aside, that is a humongous vacuum left by gaming's oldest and most respected surviving publisher. But lets not pretend this is shocking. They drunkenly stumbled into the launch of the Wii U, after gorging themselves on the mainstream juggernaut that was the original Wii. They learned the biggest draw back to appealing to the casual market in the most financially painful way possible: They don't give a flying F about what else you want to sell them.

Because of this, the Wii U has sold under  the launch numbers for the Gamecube and that... that is just depressing. As such, exclusive content is jumping ship and the future prospects for the company are dismal. As a PC and PS3 core gamer, this would be the perfect time to put on my burgundy smoking jacket, gaze out of my drawing room window at Nintendo's flaming shipwreck, and cackle subtly into my glass of 67' Pierre Ferrand Grande. Yeah that's right, grand with an E! 

But I won't do any such thing. The performance of the Wii U is a sobering portend of doom and a sign that the game industry is headed for a crash not seen since the arcade collapse of the mid to late 80's. Ask any financial historian to draw a straight line to the primary reason gaming survived that catastrophe at all, and it will lead to Nintendo's front door. Whoa. Dang.

This could be it folks, if the new consoles don't make enough to survive, Sony and Microsoft may not be able to afford to attend another trade show. And while E3 isn't necessary, I say it is vital for the fan bases and the developers that stoke their fires. The industry needs excitement. It needs that light at the end of the tunnel, it needs the school yard rivalries, the petty one-up-man ship, and the goofy, tin eared, presentations.

We love you guys because of this stuff.

I say the pageantry is essential in a way the Oscars are essential. Yes, both industries could survive without their biggest annual get together, but at what cost? E3 is the soul of the industry, even if you hate it and everything mainstream it stands for...you will still pay attention to its headlines. I will personally miss the crap out of this festival of polygons if this should be it's curtain call. But I think I know what I need to do to steel myself...

                                                                   
                                                                   I needed that.  

BBC's: The Fall, Review.

Wow, where has Gillian Anderson been? It seems like ages since the X Files ended. Well, it actually has been ages, but you wouldn't know it looking at her in The Fall. She's everything she used to be and then some as Belfast bound, homicide detective, Stella Gibson.

Belfast has a sordid history of crime, revolution, and corrupt police work. Bringing operation "music man" to a close would be extraordinarily difficult in the best of circumstances. But The Belfast PD have other things to worry about than a stalker serial killer. Things like dead cops. That's one of the more refreshing things about this series, the world doesn't stop for this case. In fact, half the show isn't about the police at all.

The Fall is more interested in a Columbo type plotting. In that, half the show is all about the murderer. And he is a trip. This is a career making performance for Jamie Dornan as Paul Spector. A grief consular, family man, stalker of successful and powerful black haired women, and strangler of aforementioned successful black haired women. One minute he's crusading for a battered wife's well being, the next he's painting a naked corpse's fingernails. Spector isn't a monster...or at least he isn't always a monster. He becomes the most three dimensional serial killer since Dexter Morgan. 

Its the little things about him that make him eerie. The way he condescendingly mimic's his boss's movements, how he's noticeably out of his wife's league (as a man who needs to control women, that can't mean nothing), the way he avoids bonding with his six year old daughter, the way he winds up bonding with his six year old daughter, and then there's the sketches he makes while he's supposed to be therapizing...yick!

Crrrrrrrreeper.

Anderson also does great work with her coolly smug, yet effortlessly awesome detective. Her brilliant case breaking deductions are made by sensible connections and not some throwaway line from a secondary character in a forced "OF COURSE IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!"scene. I'm very pleased with that.

The story is never a tense cat and mouse scenario. Instead its about both people (Anderson and Dornan) living their lives. Its a thriller that bides its time and never really resorts to jump scares or mad dashes to the killer's location. It lets the action  play out and speak for itself, almost like it was adapted from case notes. The Fall is fascinating precisely because it can be boring sometimes.

It can be a problem, though. There is plenty of dead air you can spend discussing the show to a friend and miss someone getting shot. Leaving both parties to scream "What the hell just happened?!" as you both scramble for the ps3 controller to wind it back. I mean, the police corruption story is interesting and all, but too often it feels like a segment from a spin off of the show's characters. It's not a useless appendage, but its obvious the writers couldn't come up with enough for the main cast to do.

Of course, that is the only complaint I can lodge at this show. Sometimes its not as interesting as it is at other times and that's true of everything. Including movies, beer, and chocolate (and also sex). The Fall is the second police drama in as many months to really blow my hair back. Its tense, terrifying, well written, and phenomenally acted. If rain-drenched and pensive UK police procedurals  are your thing then this will make you happier than a pig in poop. I cannot think of a better use of your time than this...except, of course, this.

Recommended Viewing:

   Columbo: Because it holds up surprisingly well and Peter Faulk was a treasure.

Thanks, Amap0la!

Once upon a Time: Because you won't find a better produced soap opera and Giancarlo Esposito shows up sometimes.

"No, I told you, NINE episodes."

    The X Files: Because duh.

Shyamalan and Schadenfreude

After Earth is Will Smith's softest opening of all time...and I'm pretty happy about that. Am I a bad person? Yes. I am reveling in a star's decent from the heavens. I am also enjoying the derision of the work of thousands of talented people. That's messed up. But you know what's even more messed up? The ridiculous amount of time Shyamalan's head has been stuck up his ass and how no one is taking his keys away from him. This is after crashing four straight projects into the dirt. But why? The combined stench of both nepotism and ineptitude kept audiences away from AE, but why wasn't The Last Airbender a similar flop? Directors better than Shyamalan could ever hope to be, have had their careers ended over a fraction of his missteps. How does he keep getting work?!

I used to be a fan. I grew up on farmland believing in aliens, so naturally, Signs got my goat and then some. On that topic, I'm sick of hearing people saying they were invaded by aliens with water allergies. They weren't hurt by water, they were hurt by what Bo could taste in the water, because it was (say it with me) "contaminated!" But really, they were ridiculous in  a whole host of other ways. I'm not saying Signs wasn't the beginning of the end (it was) I'm just sick of hearing about that point specifically. Bet you didn't plan on seeing me defend his writing here did ya? Well, I'm gonna defend him some more in a bit, but until then, lets look at the putrefied creative sinkhole that is the last ten years of his career:

GET IT?!

Lady in the Water was half a movie, The Happening had a chase scene against wind, and everything except the casting on The Last Airbender was all Shy's fault. I mean its like he tried to get the least convincing performances possible out every actor in that thing...even the special effects seemed to buckle under that film's stunning hackery (its a word now). But again, do not place the whitewashing of the actors at his door. That's Nickelodeon's doing (the following is all pure speculation of course, but I can't think of a more plausible explanation).

The Avatar animated series, which is honestly one of the best written of all time, had Asian protagonists of various regains and skin tones. Tibetan, Chinese, and some Inuits. It remains one of the network's biggest hits, but I'm convinced the American production house feared what live action Asian actors would do to the movie's bottom line. So they cast the heroes as white folk and the villain (paradoxically the lightest skinned character on the show) as an Indian. What did they do to cover their ass after committing the most recent case of whitewashing in Hollywood history? Hire a vaguely Asian director.

The actors of Precious doing the one thing their characters never did.

As infuriating as his career is...how many great non-white directors can you name? I wouldn't say Spike Lee, he also had one great film followed by a descent into frustrating mediocrity. Help me out here, I really can't think of anyone! Precious was pretty interesting and Monster's Ball was too, but I'm still struggling to call Lee Daniels a great director. As forward and liberal as we like to see Hollywood, it is still almost exclusively a white man's game. As much as I despise Shyamalan as an artist, he clearly knows how to play that game like a champion. So instead of focusing on how bad a director he is, lets be more upset about how there is no one else of merit with an equally diverse cultural background to take his place.

BAM! how's that for a twist article ending? The system was the problem the whole time... wait! Ang Lee.

TROPES VS. WOMEN IN GAMES REVIEW: Lets agree to disagree...about the degree with which I agree with you.

Pictured: Plastic cases. Brass balls.

 Major Borderlands Spoilers:

Its sad that a video series whose entire point is to spark discussion...cannot be discussed in their own comment sections. Normally I'm against censoring comments, but not in this case. The things I've read about women and homosexuals viewed through the lens of the gaming community have made my blood boil. Things that shouldn't  be read and certainly shouldn't be typed. Tropes vs. women in games had an uphill battle from the start and it is a fight that needs many more soldiers. To stare that kind of faceless, irrational, hatred down is something I'm certainly not capable of. So I applaud Anita Sarkeesian for sticking to her guns and not backing down. She was receiving death threats and no one should be shamed for not taking that kind of sh*t.

Whether or not she made too much money and is skirting her budget to buy gucci shoes is irrelevant. She's delivered the product she promised and she could have bought a damn island for all she's accountable for. The amount of scrutiny she's been under is hilarious in a number of ways, I mean, any double standard argument she could make has already been professionally gift wrapped by her critics. If people really wanted her opinions to go unnoticed they shouldn't have said anything at all...her kickstarter  probably wouldn't have been funded either. But she has her finger on a sore spot and the vocal minority has spoken. Politically and emotionally, I couldn't agree more with what she's done here. But speaking as a film critic and a gamer, TVWG is pretty disappointing.

Hmm, gender switching fo- yep. Rule 34'ed myself.

What should have been a thought provoking analysis and discussion of harmful industry trends winds up being a repetitive, choir preaching, lecture. I can't argue with the vast  majority of her talking points, but just because I agree with her opinions does not mean I approve of her methods...or the dry monotone script. This is not something designed to change a gamer's mind about the dark side of their hobby. This is not for us, this is for those on the outside looking in, those who want their worst fears validated. And the worst part about it all, for me personally, is that about 80% of the time she's absolutely right. The kind of storytelling that has passed as inoffensive in this industry is disgusting. The gender switching star fox anecdote she starts her first video off with made me ill. But as the evidence mounts and mounts and mounts some more, nothing cohesive is ever made of any of it. She just moves on to another similar trope. It feels like most of the 25 minutes of each video is spent killing time.

Her second video, once it moves into "the girlfriend in the refrigerator" trope, starts breaking more interesting ground. Not just in sexist storytelling, but sexist video game storytelling specifically. The "killing the love interest to save her" trick was not only much more overdone than I thought, but also more disturbing than I'd ever bothered to realize. Yet this is also the point where she starts citing some pretty ridiculous sources. Duke Nukem Forever?  Really? If you were criticizing sexist tropes of romantic comedies, you'd cite Sleepless in Seattle, not...Overnight Delivery.

"But...I don't want to spend the next 12 years crawling my way back  into movies!"

Many of her sources are forgotten embarrassments rather than influential projects. Though I will admit, those cut scenes are all unbearable outside of the thrall of game play. And I am personally embarrassed for not being more vocal about the inexcusable crap Kratos has gotten away with. But her citation of Angel in Borderlands 2 ruffled my feathers quite a bit, and it does make me question how close attention she paid to her fact finding.  For one, her role as a damsel was a plot twist almost two whole games in the making.

She may have looked like a beautiful woman. But in all except her last scene, she was believed to be an artificial intelligence rebelling against the abusive corporate entity (that winds up being her dad). But even if she was dolled up as a damsel in a tower; she spends the majority of both games giving you guidance, opening doors, and generally saving the player character's bacon. The player does not put her out of her misery, Angel simply facilitates her own murder. I'm sorry, but BL2 was a well written and self aware gem. To see Sarkeesian bulldoze over characters like Tina, Ellie, and Gaige like that does not sit well with me. Though you could make the argument for Lilith as a damsel toward the end.

"This clan war is gonna kick at least seven different flavors of ass" -Ellie

So there. I did not enjoy my time with WVTG, It just wound up being too one sided for my liking. But what about the obvious question of my bias? The answer is yes, I'm a man, I'm bias. It would take a more balanced argument to curb said bias and that did not happen. Just because a documentary isn't wrong, doesn't make it fair or compelling. So I now look forward to GTFO with baited breath. Because its about damn time someone spoke up about that as well.