2016 didn't get you, niether did 2017.

So let's show '18 what for. Let's ring this motherf**ker in!

The Division is Lazy

Say hello to literally every other safe house captain. This guy. Every other time. He's also a couple different merchants.

So this write up will be as well. Good loot, costumes, and shooting only gets you so far. At some point you notice New York city, kinda like in real life, is pretty drab and repetitive. If it weren't for my compass I'd have no idea if I was on one side of the map or the other.

Extra Credits already went over how problematic it is that the only people you shoot are either convicts, the poor, and working class stiffs. It somehow manages to be too bland and dim to mean anything by it, though. But I find it a bit hard to accept in the event of a pandemic the entire NY fire department takes up homemade flame throwers and just starts... burning people alive. Jesus f**king Christ why?!

The 3 factions of baddies are just cosmetic. There's always an engineer, grenadier, sniper, melee'er, and grunts. Sometimes the melee guy has a shot gun but that doesn't really make a difference. It's been 26 hours for me and I'm done. I am so bored and so done. If I had paid more than the $15 I did for it this article would be several paragraphs longer and far less kind.

No I'm not going to buy your "mods" Bethesda.

 The skins on sale ARE pretty good. I'll give you that much.

...But I do like this free white pip boy. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Hollow Knight is $10.

$9.89 American, to be exact. Look, this is my game of the year and is a steal at twice the price. You want me to beg? Because if Team Cherry closes their doors I am NOT going to be ok with it. Wails will be heard. Teeth will be gnashed.

The craziest f**king thing happened today.

So y'all have probably noticed the precipitous drop off in posts in the last month or 2. I've been busy with a new job and while that's no excuse, my current situation has given me a pretty damn decent interview story.

 I had a sit down for a new gig this afternoon and while I was waiting for that to start I felt a sneeze coming on. I'd been sick last week and felt I was out of the woods. That sneeze was apparently the last bump in the road. I look at the bottom of my fore arm ( the correct place for all good gentleman and ladies to sneeze) and see an avocado pit sized ball of snot. I don't have any tissues on me. So I decide to just grab it and make a beeline for the rest room. This is the precise moment when the manager abruptly sits down in front of me and begins.

We do the entire bloody thing while the blob squelches in my fist under the table. We finish and it went well! I shake with my left hand and I ask where the restroom is. Fate's gonna have to try a lot harder next time.

C&C GOTY Spectacular!

Thanks, Jamie Bull!

This is our last episode of the year seeing as one of us is off to a destination wedding. I think we made it count!

Best of 2017

Christmas in Verdun

I don't play Battlefield 1, but DLC like this makes me wish I did. For $3 you can play soccer, have a snowball fight, hang out at a bonfire, all from the comfort of your WWI trench. Proceeds benefit the War Child's Armistice fund.

ANNIHILATION Trailer: Color out of space meets Aliens

We've never had a mainstream big budget Lovecraft movie but this scratches that itch pretty good.

Medievil won't stay dead.

 

That's just fine with me! I'm not effing around when I say that 2006's Resurrection soundtrack was better than anything Danny Elfman composed in the past 20 years. A remake of the excellent Victorian gothic sequel would also make me quite happy.

Dark Mini Review: Der Zeitmaschine.

Dark was something I really wanted love but in the end I struggled to even like. It's everything you could want from a German language sci-fi spin on Twin Peaks. For the first 5 hours at least. Murder, affairs, a shadowy group of child kidnappers, teenage ennui, and oh SO much rain. I love me a good time travel mystery and this had me on the hook for 2 solid days.

I find rising action to be an underappreciated art and Dark really nails the first leg of the race. Start off mundane, yet interesting, then slowly get super frikkin' weird. The biggest triumph of the show is how it begins with one doomed quest to save murdered children that slowly builds to a duet, then a trio. It's hilariously nihilistic and I love it's commitment to time travel paradoxes. I mean if any of the protagonists managed to change the past... why are they still doing it?

Also if you pay attention you can catch plot twists several episodes ahead of time. I had one or two moments where I yelled "CALLED IT!" at my TV that sold exactly how much wine I'd drunk to my neighbors. I had some serious fun with Dark but I can't ignore how marvelously it flies off the rails in the home stretch.

The small town drama that was believable and restrained at first spills over into full tilt, RAIN FIGHT, melodrama. The lead cop character started off pretty dumb, pawing at corpses with his bare hands, and becomes a blithering mad prophet once it's his turn to go to the past. He literally grabs teenage girls and yells at them not unlike that Harrison Ford sketch. It's ridiculous.

I could have forgiven all that if the time travel stuff had either wrapped itself up neatly or had become interesting enough to sustain another season. Neither of those things happened and because I'd previously had my heart broken by Lost so many years ago, I saw all the signs. The primary antagonist had no major development for 80% of the season, new characters and settings were being introduced in the last 3 episodes, and there were way too many monologues about good/evil/god/the devil. That's what I like to call wheel spinning and I f%$king hate it. Either they don't know where they're going or they have to save the answers for the series finale. I'm going with the latter.

It could have been great and it pains me to say it, but I actually flicked off the last scene and unless it gets rave reviews I won't be down with season 2. I cannot stress how great this show is at reeling you in and then absolutely blowing it. Breaks my heart.

Breaks it.

C&C episode 101

2017 Category awards, and other stuff

And the award for best opening sequence of 2017 goes to...

While I don't have any solid feelings about Netflix's Dark yet (German stranger things with suicide and nudity!) I can say that these opening credits kicks all kinds of kaleidoscopic ass:

Aubrey sails again!

OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease....

...possibly! Russel Crowe seems to think there's a chance we'll get another go at the largely untapped vein of Patrick O'Brian novels 21 stories thick. It's one of those movies that I could watch once a week for the rest of my life. Crowe and Bettany were an amazing platonic gay married couple and I need to see more of it. Incidentally, Bettany becoming more available doesn't bode well for the Vision, does it?

Either way, your homework for this week is to watch Master and Commander again under the pretense they're secretly married. You're welcome.

For the Aubrey Maturin lovers , I do hear whispers indeed that a second voyage is perhaps potentially pre-proposed a possibility . So O’Brian affectionate’s and aficionados , let @20thcenturyfox know of your pleasure . pic.twitter.com/HqyE8y15Uu

— Russell Crowe (@russellcrowe) November 27, 2017

C&C episode:100!

Three. Whole. Digits!!!

This podcast only gets better with age

Guess what's free today?

I really enjoyed The Bureau. Like, played through it 3 times, enjoyed it. Some say it's a 5 out of ten, maybe I can see their point. But I had a blast after paying full price for it. With its 60's aesthetic, an above average story, and fantastic tactical shooting if you goosed the difficulty a bit I've been super miffed it never found it's audience.

It's free for 48 hours. Just... think about it, ok?

Darkness into Dawn

EEEEEEEEEEE! The next civ expansion is upon us! They made the mediocre V near perfect and Rise and Fall just might make Civ VI one of the best TBS games ever made. I may be broke as a joke at the moment. I may have balked at even half off The new Wolfenstein. But if this came out tomorrow at $60 they would have it. The notes on R&F are massive and have made me massively giddy in turn.

Golden ages aren't coming back alone we will have dark ages to contend with. Civilization is a great series but  a perfect realization of history it is not. Governments aren't ruled by autocratic immortals, for one. But no single civilization has actually stood the test of time yet. Rome's got a solid couple hundred years on this globalization thingy we're trying out now.

What I'm most excited about, and what I've wanted for years, is that you must now actually GOVERN your cities. They are no longer wind up toys blindly loyal to your cause. You must curry favor and earn their trust. I love a good peasant revolt, can't wait to stamp a few out. Also 9 new leaders! That's neat. Governor  units with thier own skill trees... cool... cool... some new world wonders... and there we go. Those are the main bullet points but there's a hefty blog post about it for your reading pleasure. And a snazzy new CGI trailer for your viewing one:

Who wants my turnips?

...showoff.

Stardew Valley has been on my radar for over a year. Everyone who plays it can't shut up about it. But for some reason I could never justify the $15 price tag for what is ostensibly an SNES game. But over the steam black Friday sale it fell to $10 for the first time I can recall. Fine, I said to myself, you got me.

So far so good. Watering crops everyday is somehow not tedious as all crap. Getting a hefty payday for your prize winning beans feels amazing. Then you go into town and realize everything is more Earthbound than Harvest Moon.

There's an ancient race of aliens that want you to restore a community center, a wizard who gives you magic earth powers, and a sleepy general store that thinks it can close on Wednesdays and still compete with the JoJaMart next door. Ridiculous. So ridiculous I want to keep peeling back it's layers. At least until I get to the monster hunting stage... of this farming game.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

No Julie, you can have the rest of the wild rice. I'm fine with the brussel sprouts. Just. FINE.

My fellow introverted Americans we must give thanks on this, our most holy of holidays. Leftover Day. All of the gluttony of thanksgiving with total TV autonomy and none of the social obligation. I love Thanksgiving, don't get me wrong. I'm more than happy to spend 5 hours catching up with friends and family then pitching in to clean mountains of china plates.

But I love today MORE.

A Fresh Perspective

I've been combing the mods for Civ VI lately and struck gold. The core game's perceptive is maddeningly ridged. You can spin the map around but only in place and only for as long as you hold the ALT button down. The free camera mod isn't something I'd want on all the time... but for a victory lap in the end game of a particularly solid empire? Hell yes.

A giant in the perfume industry...

The Civ VI half off deal no longer is. It was.

Civ VI was half off 2 days ago, but no longer. Almost got a bud to jump on it in time and now he's miffed at me, I think. Personally, $60 is more than fair for the only game from 2016 I'm still playing every other month.

And if that title is bothering you... source!

An apology from EA.

We know you're upset. We can tell. Star Wars was meant to be a refuge from your daily struggle between the haves and have-nots. So we've gotten rid of Battlefront's micro-transaction service. Temporarily.

You've managed to really hit us where it hurts, initial sales. So we'll play nice. Until we've hit our projections. Then we'll go right back to pressuring 11 year olds to guess their parent's pin number. This is a free loader ceasefire and nothing more. $60 just gets you in the club, chumps. Drinks ain't free.

-With love, EA.

The squeaky wheel

Recently my original ps4 controller's right stick got dull and after 3 years of loyal service it was time to get a new one. Problem was/is I'm super broke. Luckily google shop was more than happy to find me a store I'd never heard of willing to sell me one for $35 with free shipping. That was more than 2 weeks ago.

Shot them an email a week afterwards to the effect of "hey, how 'bout you actually ship that thing you said would be here 3 days ago?" No response. It was time to talk to the bank. I got my refund a week later and then 4 days after that... my controller shipped. I think I got it for free. Better not make a habit of this.

...I love a good apendix.

And slime rancher's is as effortlessly delightful as this game. Chamberlain may have given up on you after 5 minutes but I won't. Show me your pink, amorphic, giggly, secrets slime rancher. I want em' all!