So Betheda's Teasing a New Wolfenstein!

Cool, I certainly didn't mind the 2009 version one bit and its nice to see some classic IP being put to use with such a solid marketing budget. Good on you Bethesda! But if you don't start flapping your gums about plans for a new Fallout soon...

Freshly STEAM-ed: Alpha Protocol Review

Join me as I mine the backlogs of the steam store for its hidden gems...and buried skeletons.

Three years ago I heard of a game which the press was salivating over. A Spy Thriller RPG. Now those words are to me what chocolate and peanut butter are to most everyone else, delicious. Two of my favorite things now mixed together! What could possibly go wrong?

Plenty. The game was mired by an indecisive production on one side and an impatient publisher on the other. One could hardly call it rushed because it had already taken four years to make, but in it's state the gaming press was justifiably not amused. Jim Stearling (a critic I like) gave it a 2/10 saying “It's disgusting that a game in this forsaken a state is asking for a single thin dime, let alone sixty bucks. Even if it was free I wouldn't recommend it.” Games are expensive, and I pride myself on paying close attention to a wide variety of reviews before making a purchase, suffice to say words like those struck AP off my list for several years.

But then a few months back I was looking for something on the cheap and stumbled across message boards about the most underrated games of this console generation and this came up more than any other. But how could that be?! It was a disaster, so many critics said so... I was still resolute in not giving this game the time of day.

But Joysiq.com had found something. In their article “AlphaProtocol is the new Deus Ex” they claimed that the original ideas it presented were fully realized in spite of its technical shortcomings. It was a good read and it gave me a figurative craving for Reeses. Steam had it for $15 and I'll admit it was late, I was bored, and pretty intoxicated. But I should probably talk about the game now shouldn’t I?

The critics were absolutely right...initially. The game put's its worst foot forward, not once, but several times. The first forth of the game is it's worst by a mile and paradoxically the tutorial chapter is only fun after you've already beaten the game, its weird but true. In fact after I died during the very first real mission the game glitched and all the enemies had disappeared. Enemies are kind of important for those little things a spy thriller needs like tension and conflict. 

The stealth walk is hilarious...the stealth skills are hilariously awesome.

You also can't simply point a gun and shoot it. You need to invest skill points in a corresponding weapon's tree to actually have a chance of hitting something. The enemy’s intelligence is also frighteningly bizarre as well as erratic and they all look like they're walking against an invisible treadmill. So after the first few hours I had a really sour taste in my mouth, I was only playing the game because I felt I had to, and by gum I was going to get my money’s worth.

Thankfully things changed, the minutia of the the previously irritating shooting system began to make sense every gun had strange gimmick attached. Pistols could fire precision shot from behind cover, holding your aim with a shotgun gave it a bigger knockdown effect, holding a rifle shot still charged a kill shot, and so on.Then I started paying closer attention. Passable characters began developing into compelling ones, the skill trees started bearing delicious fruit, and my Taipei secret base was AWESOME. I wasn’t having fun in spite of myself, I was actually having fun.

Mmmmarburrrrg!

There are several wonderful things about AP that other critics either failed to mention or misrepresented. In most games you have all the time you need to respond to characters during dialogue. Obsidian invented the dialogue timer. You have seconds to decide whether to execute an arms dealing warlord or to back stab a trusted handler. It gives immediacy and weight to otherwise over calculated and cold decisions. And everyone has an opinion of you, especially the villains. Towards the end a secondary antagonist was bragging about how little I had thought through the assault on his compound. But I hadn't. I ran through my reasons and tactics exposing how little he actually knew of my plans. Every step I had outplayed him my reputation meter ticked up out of his begrudging respect for my actions. A more perfect tandem of game mechanics and story telling I have never seen.

The long and short of it is this is a diamond in the rough for anyone who loves video games and espionage as much as I do. If you can forgive it's budget and harebrained mechanics, this is the interactive spy novel you never knew you wanted.

I'll play myself out.

The Five Greatest Pieces of Downloadable Content. (That I've ever played)

Every gaming generation seems to create a new elephant in the room. Emerging technology; coupled with a voracious need to profit from it, creates palpable tension between those who want to embrace the new and those who fear for the industry's integrity.  Two acronyms loom largest over the twilight of this one: DRM and DLC. I'm not wading into digital rights management today, thank god, but rather trying to see the silver lining in the newest form of content delivery. It ain't perfect, it can do damage, and can easily be taken advantage of. But every once in a while it makes magic.

5. Portal 2 : Perpetual Testing Initiative 

 

Poor Little Octopus...

Maybe this doesn't count as DLC and maybe I just really wanted one more Cave Johnson video. Either way, opening up Portal 2 to crowd sourcing has fixed the single biggest problem of all puzzle games i.e. running out of puzzles. Modding communities are one of the greatest thing to ever happen to PC gaming and Valve found a way for console gamers to get in on the action too. Also tacitly admitting its a way to steal ideas is both hilarious and accurate. So there, more reasons to love valve and their free range, wavy gravy, beatnik, multi-billion dollar corporation. They continue to be one of the most delightful of all private companies. I mean we haven't heard of Google using your search history as blackmail...YET! But that day's a'comin' folks.

4. Mass Effect 3: Citadel

I'd love to explain why I disliked sitting through ten minutes of grandiose exposition from a literal god machine at the end of Mass Effect 3, but I'd rather gouge my eyes out then dreg that crap up again. So I'm gonna talk about the things about the game I love, like Citadel. Whatever side of the ending kerfuffle you fall on, I think we can all agree that a giant house party with all your old crew mates (on paper) sounds like a grand old time. And as hard as I was on the Starchild (sigh), Citadel felt like the writers took me out for an apology dinner full of war stories, hard drinking, and backslapping. 

The shooting part of the story was a fine yarn and more than a little hilarious. In fact Bioware is now definitely the best candidate for the "48 Hours" game...yes, yes I think I would like that very much.

 We just want you to be funny again, you can do it Eddie!

Believe in yourself.

But when the dust finally settles in the Normandy's docking bay, around your comrades and space hamster, the real fun begins. The ritzy Vegas strip area of the Citadel opens up and you're free to mill around while you gather all the stuff you need to throw the greatest party the milky way has ever seen! The amount of detail that went into this mother is absolutely incredible. Even a downloadable character like Zaeed, who I felt was pretty underrated, has a great little scene all his own trying to win at a claw machine. That sums up what was truly great about the whole trilogy, there are meaningful and fully realized things you can experience that hundreds of other players will never ever see. A feature shared by video games...and the Louver. So, pour one out for the Citadel, its wonderful.

3. Fallout New Vegas: (all of it)

mmm, fan art!

Isn't this shocking? My favorite game of all time makes the list somehow, but hear me out. Every piece was planned out from the start and they all tie in with both each other and the main game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don't believe that’s ever happened before and if it has, I sincerely doubt they were this good. They serve as mini vacations from the Mojave Wasteland and make what was already a forty hour adventure exponentially even longer. Hey, I never said these things were good for you.

From the Dead Money's spectacular setting and villain, to Lonesome Road's ball busting combat, to Old World Blue's  awesome talking apartment, each of the four installments stand on their own as solid efforts. But at the very least they all bumped the level cap up by five and they weren’t separate experiences from the campaign, I hate that. Plus they simply gave me more New Vegas and I can't thank them enough for that.

2. Bioshock 2: Minerva's Den

Bioshock 2 is one of the most universally ignored sequels of all time. Some people even go as far to say that Minerva's den was the only worthwhile part of the whole game and while I disagree with the hypocrisy of their agenda...they are on to something. 

Minerva's Den is Bioshock boiled down to its bare bones and its amazing how much of the original's magic they manage to recapture in just under three hours of game play. The story is fascinating, the twist interesting, and it fleshes out parts of the little sister R&D I never thought I wanted to know. More than that, it also explains Dr. Tannenbaum's jarring departure from Delta's side in the beginning of the main game and introduces a few very well written and acted characters of its own. Like the rest of the trilogy it manages to be both thought provoking and tragic. The single fact that it completely stands on its own is worth my critical stamp of approval. Even if I hate standalone campaigns, I can still respect the hell out of Minerva’s Den.

1. Borderlands: The Secret Armory of General Knoxx

You know you want it.

This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the DLC that changed my mind on DLC in general. Its not that's its good, its that its so good it made me hopeful for the entire concept of downloaded content. Simply put, Knoxx is better than what came in the box. Not only that, but it set a grand precedent for Gearbox Software ( a company I love to bits) and their subsequent efforts in Borderlands 2. Each of which were pretty good at worst and literally game changing at best, their season pass with 2 is one hell of a deal if you're interested.

 Even if Borderlands isn't your bag, Gearbox still drew a line in the sand three years ago. They forced everyone in the industry to pick up their ears and pay attention to the right way to do DLC. If you can't hear me, I'm slow clapping.

Iron Man 3 Review: A Tin Man's Heart.

I think we can all agree that “The Avengers” was an act nobody wanted to follow. This could have easily ended up as a colossal act of hubris by Disney by riding its best talent too hard until it broke. I can count on one hand the number of threequels that were any good, and only one that was actually great (Toy Story 3). But once again, Disney hired a talented director out of left field and let him do what he does best. The man is Shane Black, and he is responsible for one of my top tree favorite films “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.” Everything that made that movie great is firing on all cylinders in Iron Man 3. The unrelenting hilarious banter, overly intricate plot twists, and satirical subversion of tired action beats. All of these qualities keep it far above the realm of mediocrity which, sadly, 2 had dipped its toe into more times than it should have.

The story is much more compelling this time around and it actually manages to deliver the overdone “this time it's personal” monologue in such a quiet and matter of fact kind of way that I hadn’t marked it off as cliche until I sat down to write this thing. When the central villains take the stage, which for the third time features a violent renegade reined in by a corporate interest, The plot shifts into high gear and only slows to a jog once for the 60 minutes left. Which ends up being a perfectly fine direction, but I could have honestly watched Tony breaking down physically and emotionally in his basement for another half an hour. Those have always been my favorite parts of the series, Stark just trying to get a grip on his own head.

But this can't be a mini series and thus certain characters get the short shrift. Rhodes comes off as an after thought for the most part and Pepper, while still getting in on some choice action scenes, still boils down to a damsel in distress. But what you get in return is pleasantly surprising. The twist involving Ben Kingsly's “The Mandarin” is brilliant and Tony's strangely un-accented friend that he makes in rural Tennessee shares the best banter I’ve seen since...well, “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.”

What sets 3 apart from the others is its careful attention to the finale, I think we can all agree the first couple left much to be desired. Its a breath taking daisy chain of destruction connecting its two best set pieces that magically turns forty minutes into what seems like ten. Thankfully there's still plenty of that old Black dialogue magic left in the bag so the near unrelenting action never suffocates the film's easy charm.

That's the word I’d use to sum up Iron Man 3, charm. It's charming. Its the closest I’ve seen to a straight up marvel action comedy and I’m glad it was allowed to stick so closely to its talented comedy guns. It feels like the film Black wanted to make rather than the Avengers preview Favreau was forced to make. So yes, this is my favorite Iron Man and one of my favorite comic book movies in general. Its got kinks in its armor, but they just give it character. If this is the way we have to say goodbye to Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark than so be it. It was one hell of a retirement party

Check This Guy Out.

CRACKPOT THEORY: Bob's Burgers is The Simpson's First Worthy Sucessor.

Sometimes a show wins you over so gradually its hard to remember that you were ever against it. I'll say up front I never got “Home Movies” and I was way too young to catch “Dr. Katz” so when Loren Bouchard got a prime time Fox pilot my opinion, shared by many viewers, was a little more than a shrug. But I gave it a shot. The first episode wasn't bad, but it left me cold. If it wasn't for “Archer” and my weekly need for a Jon Benjamin fix I never would have stuck with it. And as you can probably guess, everything I’m about to write can be summed up by saying I'm glad I did.

ITS DIFFERENT ENOUGH

Its obvious the show's biggest sell is how similar it is to the Simpsons in concept, but the two are night and day. For one it comes from a background of improvised conversational dialogue and the biggest laughs for me always come from how something is said rather than what. Conversations erupt and and die down at unpredictable times blurring the line between script and performance just enough to keep things interesting as well as to set it apart from Fox's other animated offerings. Plus the tangents it goes off on are fun to listen to by themselves. Its a fun show grounded by dark, snarky realism that somehow makes it more savory than bitter.

IT HELPED ME FINALLY "GET" KRISTEN SCHAAL

I'd seen her around the Daily Show, her Comedy Central special, and a few other places. I thought she was ok, never really stood out to me the way Samantha Bee or Chelsea Peretti could. But once I heard her voice coming out of a ten year old girl, I got it. Something just clicked and I’d now call myself a fan. It is weird to think shes the only woman in the main cast that’s actually played by one, but that’s beside the point. As Louise, the maniacal mystery wrapped in an enigma and covered by rabbit ears, Schaal kills. Her background antics are always highlights and her central stories are amongst the best so far. In fact "Ear-sy Rider," in which her beloved rabbit ears are stolen, may be my favorite.

 

ITS NOT AFRAID TO BE SENTIMENTAL

The show has a heart and her name is Tina. Maybe the voice of  a 32 year old man doesn't sound right coming from a 14 year old girl. But it works hilariously well and despite the fact she is mostly played for laughs, when Tina becomes a focal point, you'll see the most brutally honest look at teenage sexuality I've ever witnessed. It's brutal, I feel I need to mention that one more time. Erotic zombie dreams, butt fixation, flirting with anything vaguely masculine, (including steer) she is routinely betrayed by her hormones. When the stories dive into her achingly pathetic quest for love they become greater than the sum of their parts. She's proud of herself and doesn't take any crap from the world. In many ways she's a much braver romantic than I, even though it kills me to admit it.


IT HIDES GUEST STARS IN PLAIN SIGHT

There have been a metric butt ton of guest stars on Bob's Burgers but I’d only caught half of them before the credits started rolling. More often than not I'd read the cast list and yell “that was him/her?! I had no fu**ing clue...” Both Sarah and Laura Silverman were regulars, (took me a year to figure that out) Kevin Kline was their land lord, (again, could have fooled me) and Jon Hamm was a talking super toilet. It's rare a show lets a guest's performance breathe and more importantly avoids the toxic influence of them actually playing themselves...The Simpsons is a dark cautionary tale in that way.

ITS MUSICAL NUMBERS (AND CREDITS) ARE ENDEARINGLY STUPID

But if there is one thing I’d like the show to be remembered for it's their admirably dumb musical numbers. They're too legitimately funny to ignore, too hastily put together to stand on their own, and yet so genuine that I grew to love them. They've started putting together a promotional cover series called “Bob's Buskers” and I really hope they stick to it. I actually have some new found respect for “BadTina.” So in summation, this is best animated family comedy since 1989. It may not ever reach the towering heights of The Simpson's first four years but come on, no one has. Its edgy, its sweet, its funny as hell and I look forward to it every week. I hope eventually some of you will too.

First Season Standouts

Crawl Space

Sexy Dance Fighting

Sheesh! Cab, Bob?

Art Crawl

Lobsterfest

Brian Fuller's Hannibal: The Best Thing Since Sliced Sweatbreads.

I'm gonna say it. The first three episodes of this new series is better than all the previous Lector films combined. I'm gonna skip the song and dance to jump right to my gut feeling, which is that this is one of the greatest police procedural shows ever made.

Its scary, its atmospheric, its inventive, its trippy, and every role is perfectly cast as well as expertly acted. This isn't just a breath of fresh air, its a damn hurricane. The problem is, I find it very hard to describe to those who have already made up their minds. To some this looks like a desperate network going back to well that dried up years ago and that’s true. But Brian Fuller has tapped that old well and hit a oil geyser filled with new ideas and possibility. The first two serial killers alone are more interesting than either Buffalo Bill and the Tooth Fairy, and on a related note, don't eat mushrooms while watching this show. Its a bad plan and I promise you'll thank me later.

Fuller retained the essence of everyone's favorite cannibal while also ingeniously rebooting Will Graham into a basket case with a condition called “perfect empathy.” A hokey tacked on super power if written by the likes of other lesser shows, but the flashback scenes it allows to take place coupled with Hugh Dancy's devastating performance makes the implied ridiculousness hypnotic. That's actually a good way to describe the whole show: hypnotic. 

Each scene in Lector's massive office will arrest every bit of your attention as you search Mads Mikklesen's face for any shred of blood lust or unspoken malice. Some may call his performance too understated, or worse, boring. You won't see him sucking the air like a wood chuck on Hannibal, but you will see him go to town on a pair of lungs with a cleaver and come on people, with someone like Lector less is always more.

This is one of the very few shows I have ever had to watch through my fingers and I've sat through a couple Saws and the majority of Dexter's run. Hannibal still managed to shock my dulled senses and no one is more surprised that happened than me. Mutilation and desecration is the rule of law on this set and it is definitely not for everyone. But if you are starved for violent, though provoking, and beautifully shot drama? It's all on hulu.com right now. What in god's name are you waiting for?!

Recommended Viewing:

Mads Mikklesen:
After The Wedding
Flame and Citron

Hugh Dancy:
Black Hawk Down

42 Review: Chadwick at the Bat.

There's no getting around it, the film 42 is a relic. I could make a half-assed Indiana Jones joke here, but... nah.This is a movie straight out of the early 90's, but the thing is, it's still a remarkable film from the early 90's. The opening scene with Ford's tin eared “old codger” voice talking about how it's time to integrate pro baseball while bathed in bronze quasi-holy light is as hokey as they come. I was ready to bail, that is, until the film's namesake finally made his entrance.

Chadwick Boseman plays Jackie Robinson like his entire career was leading to this role while never tipping his hand to the audience of any shred of desperation. He is beyond exceptional and I suspect we will being seeing much more of him in the future. When Jackie makes it to the bigs we feel for him, when he laughs we laugh with him, when his heart breaks under the daily barrage of bigotry so do ours. I hate to use the phrase “a star is born” but he has, and with the help of his equally compelling wife in actor Nicole Beharie we cross the line from a passable project to an labor of love. Sure you have to sit through the obligatory proposal/marriage/”you're special” pep talks, but thankfully the two get to share a couple touching left field (sorry) moments that spice the pacing up when it needs it most. And to be fair the final pep talk is all kinds of adora-awesome, which is now, obviously a word.

The supporting cast is a mixed bag of swings and misses (I'm so sorry). Christopher Meloni has a nice run for the first quarter as the manager that has to knock the less agreeable Dodgers into line and Alan Tudyk absolutely nails the thankless role of Ben Chapman. As the most outwardly racist caricature in a film chock full of the suckers, he's a flesh and blood Yosemite Sam. That may sound like a knock, but seriously, he is an entirely convincing Yosemite Sam. But we need to talk about Ford.

He's bad, really really bad. There's a stuffy odor of white man's burden around the character on paper and his forced voice always broke my immersion. He hasn't been a character actor before, to my knowledge, and this is proof positive as to why he never should be again. That’s not to say he doesn’t have a good arch or that his voice does eventually become kind of endearing, but he wears you down instead of winning you over. If half of his scenes were cut it would have been a better film.

You can usually tell when a film is made by people who wanted to be there versus when it was more of an obligation and 42 is definitely the former. It's a good story with good casting with a familiar yet affecting path to the end credits. Yes it's hokey, yes Ford is painfully miscast, and yes the racism is more than a little melodramatic. But you know what? I'd bet money on that part of American history being just as melodramatic as this film depicts it. And for every go nowhere scene with the Dodger malcontents there’s one with Jackie and Rachel, which is more than worth it. Also the scene near the end with a small white child reacting to a racist crowd was appropriately dark and showed a draft of a much better film that was probably sanitized...probably. I loved that scene and I really liked this movie. It's not a showstopping grand slam (SORRY!) but rather an honest, heartfelt double play. (I have a problem...)

That's the real Rachel in a picture that made my whole damn week.