Deadwood Review: Hello. Goodbye.

There were two things that jumped out at me on my Deadwood re-watch ahead of its miracle of a finale. One, I can see how the cursing turned my dad off it. I had got him the box set for Christmas years ago and well... he handed it back after the 14th c**ksucker. Which is to say around episode 3. The script did come off as network tv writers who were a bit too giddy to say bad words as often as they liked. But 2? This is motherf**king Shakespeare.

Even the most "simple" characters in Deadwood get flowing and revealing soliloquies that make it like nothing else that's ever aired on TV. Before I knew it, I blew through every episode and now I got to see how it all ended. I almost didn't want to. Deadwood was an intimate soap opera. Most of the show was about checking in on peoples lives. How do you "end" that without killing everybody?

The answer is by playing off it's biggest bad: George Hearst. He's the primordial stage of the corporate agenda. He's perfectly affable as long as he gets everything he wants. Maybe he didn't cut off saloon owner's fingers himself... but dollars to donuts the real Hearst ordered much worse. In the show's final act Hearst is one plot of land away from setting up telephone polls in Deadwood. Standing in his way is Charlie Utter. I have no problems spoiling the film because, heck, if you cared about those you had a decade and a half to do something about it.

Utter can't stand up to Hearst's grinning barbarism and it isn't long before a couple men show up to execute the 73 year old coot. After which the town is a bit disgruntled. As they should be. Hearst pulls the same tired lines every powerful man says after getting caught red handed. In other words "civil justice for me but not for thee."

This culminates in a lynching of Hearst that I enjoyed a bit too much. The way its shot, the way the horror music chimes in, the tenor is there is no such thing as a heroic mob. As much as deadwood reveled in its lawlessness, it saved it's harshest criticisms for the mob. As fun as it was to see this murdering old bastard to get whats coming to him it poses a sobering question. Why not be better than him? Why not beat him at his crooked game instead of punching him in the mud?

In either case, the frontier wins and Hearst goes back to California, tail between his legs. That's pretty much it for conflict which is maybe only a quarter of the 2 hour run time. The rest is spent reminding you how much you love these characters, the ones still with us anyway. Jonie and Jane get a delightful mid life crisis romance, Sol and Trixie get hitched, and Al's dying. I'm still convinced Ian Mcshane passing a kidney stone is the single best example of agony in acting history. All the fans needed to see was his soiled bed sheets to get it. He was always a softie when his reputation wasn't on the line and while his end doesn't redeem the bastard, its as happy as he deserved. Bottom line, he does right by Trixie.

It was a good story and I'm glad it got to end but there was barely any c**k suckin' Al Swarengen in it! Still though... Hoopleheads did somethin' right fur'a change. There's enough "oh sh*t he came back?!" moments to cover up any major criticisms. Basically, if that cast member is still alive there's a 90% he or she is in this. They saved a handful for the last minute just to needle you. Even one of the dead ones.

It's just a bit sad to leave them all forever now. Which means they did a great job.

Chernobyl Review: You didn't see anything.

When writers I like on twitter all start talking about a show at the same time with the same tenor of "holysh*twatchthis* enthusiasm I usually balk. I've been burned many a time, often by HBO itself. I still can't believe I made it all the way through The Brink. But a reunion between Terror alums Jared Harris and that show's magnificent mutineer Adam Nagaitis meant I wasn't going to stay away forever. Even though I missed the first month I'm still kicking myself for not being there day one. I was expecting a boardroom drama about corrupt party officials unfairly punishing workers who did everything they could to keep a death trap of a reactor running decades after it should have been shut down.

The seeds of all that have been planted but that's not what the first episode is. It is a sci fi body horror masterpiece. There is a humongous beam of sunlight blasting skyward from a smoking crater and everyone in a 5 mile radius is going to die. Anyone who dares say the core is "gone" is labeled hysterical and rushed out of the room. Everything is fine. They did "everything right." They just need to pull down the control rods and keep pumping water. But the core exploded. It's gone and nobody is mentally prepared for what that means. The plant director can't even attempt to reassure the board without vomiting. His replacement is sent to survey the damage, nothing more than a fire, he's told. He returns 15 minutes later with a full body sunburn.

This sh*t is terrifying. I had every intention to watch for 20 minutes to get the gist and finish the rest over breakfast. I couldn't shut it off. Folks just started bleeding through their clothes and somehow I found the energy to keep watching.

But seriously, America needs to talk about Russia. About how sh*tty politicians can make a horrible situation dire through suppression and spin. If the government lies to you about the little things they will lie to you about the life threatening things. You've got to wonder if this current administration would hobble an evacuation to avoid a bad news cycle.

I didn't get much sleep after all.

Roommate Update:

Panchito could have been a lot of different birds. He could have just eaten my food while tolerating my presence. He is instead a relentless beam of sunshine. He has his fits but it’s hard to stay mad at something that wants to stay on your shoulder and preen your beard all day so badly. Everyone needs someone in their life that appreciates a sunrise as much as he does.

Get caught in the Rain

Risk of Rain hit a soft spot of mine back in 2013. One of those games you'll never beat but you still have fun seeing how far you can get each time. It captured that arcade feel without eating any of quarters. But I did actually beat it. Once. I swear.

Risk of Rain 2 was announced a few years ago and while I admired the jump to 3d I had my doubts it could somehow be more fun and not bewildering getting devoured on all sides by 30 monsters at once. Then BAM, it showed up in early access this week and then POOF my wallet was $20 lighter. I ate those first impressions last afternoon. 2 hours went by in a flash. It's just shootin' and lootin' in a gorgeous minimalist cell shaded zen garden of death. Shout out to the animation as well, it's all terrific. This sits along side darkest dungeon as an early access game that's meaty enough to stand on it's own. Co op or solo this ain't sitting on top of steam for no reason.

Sick of shooting? Play as Virgil from DMC3 instead.

Boundary Break: Simpsons Hit and Run.

Boundary Break is a fun little youtube series where games are freed from their camera perspectives and you get to see how the proverbial sausage gets made. Yesterday he did a video on Simpsons hit and run and I was all "Oh... YEAH! That was damn good game." So now I get to talk about that!

There was a time in my mid teens where I had no taste and would still routinely fall for licensed cash ins. This was a double edged sword as there were some real gems in the bargain basement. Hype, a medieval play mobile game with way more going on with it's story than it ever deserved, is still the most affecting time travel story I've seen in a video game. For real. You meet your Merlin equivalent when he's still an apprentice and keep checking in on him as you try to get back to the future. He's dead in your time and his scene in old age lamenting not being able to help you when you need it most was damn good stuff.

But there were loads of let downs and they all stung. I wasn't made of money at 12 and neither was I  blown away with the Simpsons crazy taxi game, but Simpsons GTA seemed like a good time. It was. The Simpsons hit and run is unequivocally the best Simpsons game. As dubious an honor as that is. All the actors are doing their best and there are some legitimately good lines that hold up. Sure, they used the same 3 free roaming areas at least 2 times each. But it all ends in a Halloween special makeover so loving it made the entire journey worth it. I have no idea where to find this thing. GOG? Nope, looks like ebay for a pc copy is your best bet. Only Simpsons diehards need apply if you've missed the nostalgia boat. Anywho, here's boundary break:

Got a new roommate

I work upwards of 8 hours 6 days a week. I don't have the time or space a dog deserves. I've seen what an apartment with lethargic owners does to a pit bull. It makes it a neurotic shadow of the rambunctious cuddlebug I know they can be. It's awful. I'd never want a pet that couldn't live a good life without me in it 50% of the time. But what could?

A green cheek conure. Quiet, friendly, they eat all the fresh fruits and veggies you should be eating, and they live at least 20 years. A little under $400 later and I got Panchito. He's as quiet as his reputation. Still a bit bitey, but he's comfortable in his cage, plays with all his toys, and likes it when I read to him. This was a great decision. This is an A+ birb. 

Patrick O'Brian does that to me too...

Peace in Andromeda.

It's taken 2 years and the heat death of Bioware's talent pool for me to take a deep breath and say.... "Andromeda was a deep, rock solid, single player RPG with some script/story problems." If anyone else besides Bioware made that game I would have given it a 9. Though some of the bigger worlds reek of asset scuttling in that it's just a bunch of finished locations vomited out on a bland canvas. Had I never played Inquisition and appreciated how all those areas felt like real places I never would have been as harsh.

But there's the game's biggest issue: lack of imagination. It takes place in a whole new universe yet the most interesting aliens came with you. There's only 2 new talking species and about a 3rd of the way through you figure out... there is only one species. This game needed to get Weird with a capital W but settled for doing a good job keeping the original trilogy's lore in tact. Krogan are still prickly battle toads, Salarians are still overly polite, arrogant, geckos. While I like Jaal, the angaran ambassador, his race is just kinda there. I can't sum them up like I can everyone else. Their "thing" is hiding from the Kett. That's pretty much it. It's a humongous wasted opportunity.

But the story itself, your reason for questing, is pretty solid. Your people are starving and need a colony to work. That's your gig, use your shmancy AI powers to make a home. Sometimes for your people, sometimes not. For a game that's mostly about shooting things there's a refreshingly constructive bent to it's narrative. You may choose not to be in Andromeda to make friends... but you probably should be.

Movie night on the Tempest.

As for Ryder him/herself I got a big ol' "meh." Ryder doesn't hurt but he doesn't help. Coming off of Shepard, the greatest speaking RPG protagonist ever, this is a criticism that still holds. I've seen worse but that doesn't keep him from getting a solemn C-. Though I will give the male Ryder the edge because the Nolan North impression he's going for is SCARY good sometimes. But the rest of the crew? Pretty good! Your salarian pilot gives a lively performance. Drak is an endearingly sarcastic Krogan grandpa and almost edges out Wrex on the incidental dialogue front. Liam sucks but that's mostly because his actor can't read a script to save his life. Helping him move a 600 year old cryo sealed couch is a hell of a scene-let. Natalie Dormer knows she's slumming it as your medic but she's still such a pro shes a highlight.

But the planets themselves are hit and miss. What's more, the 2nd and 3rd are easily the worst. The late game picks up with a desert Krogan colony and a space pirate paradise but I wouldn't blame anyone for bailing out before then. It's a 10 hour sprint to those places including a plodding trip to the angaran hideout that walk-locks you for 12 minutes. I know running NPC's make no sense but neither do pop up windows or inventory screens. Let me run!

If there was just one more Kadara (space pirate) planet in the mix I could have called this a good game at the time. But I digress. This game was built by mass effect 3's multiplayer team and while they may not have the strongest sense of place They. Get. Combat. The gun play is sublime and the gear crafting almost more so. You can make any type of weapon at any time. You just need the right materials. If you want stronger versions of that gear you need to research stuff. You need to finish quests for that. To keep your favorite weapons on the bleeding edge you need to do a bit of everything. This makes it the single greatest in-game economy I've ever seen. I haven't tried the new game plus but you would need that kind of time to level up different weapons and that's a pretty good excuse to keep grinding.

In light of Anthem, AKA Bioware's funeral pyre, I'm ready to make nice with my laundry list of Andromeda based quibbles. This is a fine 8/10. They did a good job. As long as you have it running on a solid state drive the load times are minimal and the patch jobs they did since launch let me run the best textures at 60 frames. If this is to be their last classic Bioware game... well it's certainly a better place to leave it than ME3.

We'll always have pirate planet...