10 Reasons I Both Love and Loath Dark Souls.

"And me without my ghost harmonica..."

I'll admit I got on the Dark Souls boat pretty late, but as a guy who put down Demon Souls halfway through, I had quite a bit of cautious skepticism to to deal with first. The glowing praise for Dark Souls was, in itself, untrustworthy. The trick was parsing what was genuine appreciation for the game and what may have actually been stockholm syndrome. Give me another piece of art that can induce that.

So after finally buying the game and collapsing breathless on to Gwyn's bonfire a couple times, I thought I'd finally get around to writing a review. But what I had to say then wasn't kind, nor objective. It's only now, about two months later, that I feel I can finally articulate my thoughts on why Dark Souls is a masterpiece...that I want to see hung by the neck until dead.

-1. It really isn't fair.

"Should have made a ranged character, dumbass." -dragon rib cage

The critics lied. The prevailing mantra in all reviews I read was that it was a ridiculous, rage inducing, experience that was tough but fair. I'm calling bullsh*t. Not only is there a story quest where you have to die, not only are there several places where the game's awful physics engine has your life in its hands, but if your nose isn't glued to a wiki you're not going to have any idea what what to do for your character's equipment.

I love hard, unfair, games. Devil May Cry 3 may actually be one of my favorite games ever. But that sucker barely clocks in under 13 hours start to finish. Both DS's are RPGs and are at least twice that length. In DMC, when you hit a really rough spot, you blame your skill. In DS you panic and wonder if you've spent the last 25 hours building an absolutely useless character.

+1. It's an unforgettable experience because it isn't fair.

I'm gonna say something that's gonna make all the DS vets smack their heads on their desks: Londo Sniper. They are the worst, the worst, part of the game. This is everything that's awful about DS  boiled down to about 50 feet:

HIS BLOOD STAIN'S RIGHT TH-  awwwwwww.

That part of the game made me curse my birth and the half baked physics the devs were torturing me with. But you know what you feel like when you finally, finally, get past him? When you parry his sword and pimp slap him into a thousand foot Disney villain death? Invincible.


-2. You will have no idea where you have to go and what you have to do.

There's a fine line between holding a player's hand and throwing them into the briar patch. In DS the briar patch is made of razor wire and its on fire. It's easy at first to know where you have to go. If you wandered into a well full of knifey ghost gals on your first run, I'm very, very, sorry. But after killing, say, the two gargoyles and ringing the bell... what then? I didn't know. There is no hint, nor rhyme, nor reason to tell you to go to the depths, to get the key, to walk through the valley of drakes, to find Blight Town, to kill the fire spider chick, to ring the second bell.

Critics give adventure games all kinds of hell for goals a fraction as obtuse as these. Saying you need to read the wiki is crap. What are our children's children to do when the robots take over and destroy the internet? How will they even know the painted world of Ariamis even exists?! It's rushed, callous, game design successfully spun as "challenge."

+2  The secrets upon secrets upon awesome.

Getting turned around in DS is literally a slow, painful, death. You've probably just killed a boss after two hours of trying, you have run out of homeward bones, (don't ask) and BAM! a mosquito just threw a puddle of blood over your life bar's last leg. Congratulations, that was six levels of xp. After that episode, I was in a fit of rolling rage (when you mash the dodge button out of directionless fury) and soon I rolled through a invisible wall and found a entire set of armor that was perfect for my character. A set that was equal to the value of souls I'd just lost.

DS is unquestionably the greatest "metroidvania" since 1997. It's a giant, terrifying, labyrinth that is constantly feeding back into itself. That is, when it isn't  revealing massive secret areas that are as well made and intricate as the story's path. The aforementioned painted world isn't some one off easter egg.  Its not an interesting little place you can just leave after ten minutes. No. Its at least a good three hours of content with new enemies and a really fun boss. She's invisible and you try to catch her sneaking up on you by her snow prints, god, it's a wonderful fight.

The point is, a lesser developer would have chopped that off and sold it as day one dlc. A less, lesser dev would have openly advertised it with a crazy old man you can't help but run into who forces a treasure map into your hands. What From software does is madness. Wonderful, overly intricate, madness.

+3 You are an Unstoppable Killing Machine. 

When you get in a groove with your favorite weapon and load out in DS *record scratch* you'll feel good. You'll feel amazing. Going back to areas that used to give you nightmare sweats and clearing out monsters with a flick of your index finger is a rush few other games can reach...let alone replicate. You'll need that confidence to get through to the end game and I love how nothing scales to your level. Because nobody seriously thought that was a good idea, oblivion.

-3 You are a porcelain sack of potatoes.

Everything is a double edged sword in DS. A weapon that works wonderfully against one enemy is a disaster against another. A dodge that saved your life in one boss battle will send you flying off a cliff in another. Some armor load outs are... you get the idea. You are mortal, DS never wants you to forget that. Its depressing.

-4 The story is a complete afterthought...

Everyone dead, one zombie chosen... fire good. That is the story of Dark Souls if you infer absolutely nothing about the world around you. This wouldn't be a knock against the game if there wasn't a narrated intro droning on about a bunch of folks you don't know or care about. Then there's another when a giant crow scoops you up in the beginning explaining where you are. That's it. Its really crappy story telling. It would be one thing to be left completely in the dark about where you are and what you're doing. Shadow of the Colossus did this and I thought that was pretty good. Because it slaps on a traditional narrative arc in the beginning and does absolutely nothing else with it, when I killed the final boss I sat back and mumbled "that's it?"

That is the absolute worst thing that can be said by a player at the end of a game.

+4 ...while the setting is absolutely hypnotic.

The most frustrating thing about the story is that its setting is scrumptiously mysterious. Why are some undead chosen to be revived ad infinitum while others are condemned to homicidal madness? What's the deal with the sentient slime in the depths? What's the deal with Blight Town? What's the deal with those adorable little mushrooms and why are they in such an adorable little hurry? These questions don't need answering, yet they burn in the back of my head whenever I play. They say you should show more than you tell and no one does that better than DS.

-5 The online aspect is obtuse, more irritating than helpful, and is literally deadly.

To be honest, I like the little flaming text messages DS players can send each other. I like how there's a spell you can learn to make more of them appear. I like how you can only choose from a mad lib list of objects and phrases so you can never give too much away and the immersion never breaks.

"Try holding with both hands" ...dude. Come on guys.

But when some overpowered punk invades the friggin' crystal caverns and just ... pushes you. I don't, I just, grrr. Maybe I'm a sore looser, maybe I'm really bad at this game. But I know that no one has the right to rip me out of the game when I'm just a single sword stroke away from killing those bosses. That's right, those bosses. Welp, guess what GFWL does every time it has a conniption fit? And it does it constantly. It usually drops me right where I left off, but it only needed to to heal Ornstein once to get a spot on this list. Good. Lord. Not cool.

+5 But there was this one time...

After GFWL had slapped the almost victory out of my hands I was dumbstruck. I had had it up to more than here (my hand is like, so far above my head right now) with DS. I was ready to put this sucker down for good...until my game had been invaded by someone named Pixlerazor. And he was about to get so rage-rolled. I was a heavy armor guy and he was a light guy, so every time I got close he just sprinted away like a maniacal pixie dream man. This went on until I had him pinned against a fire place (he was so gonna get it) ...and he rolled through a secret door and showed me how to get the best heavy armor in the game.

I was dumbstruck.

We chated, friended, killed some giants together, he dropped some green tantinite I desperately needed, and we went our separate ways. Pixlerazor restored my faith in the game. Not just equipment wise (Ornstein wouldn't know what hit em') but personally. DS players can be a violent, occasionally political bunch. But in a game so callous and uncaring, they can bare a different kind of soul: a bright one.