Grave Encounters Review: a horror film afraid of its own screenwriter.

Grave Encounters is a anomaly in many ways. For one, its a horror film on Netflix with a star rating higher than three, which is stupendously rare. For another one, its a horror film on Netflix I've managed to watch past the first twenty minutes and actually finished. I couldn't even do that for "Call the Midwife." Which was a different kind of horror, "Bore-or".


I don't finish any movie without it doing at least 3 out of 4 things right:

Pacing- The ability to keep me from pulling out my phone.

Dialogue- Determined by how little I try to finish actors sentences/ block out what they're saying. 

Story- Measured by the intensity of my craving to see how it ends.

Acting- Divined by how much I forget about judging the other three.

If one is satisfactory I'll wait 10 minutes for another to impress. If that happens, I give it 20 minutes. If it can pull off three I'll finish it up and will probably write a positive review. Four and I will definitely praise the sucker and possibly watch it again a year later. So how did GE do? The short answer is "better then I thought" The accurate short answer is "but..." The accurate long answer is the rest of this article.

Horror Movie Disease #26: Fate Temping Tourette's

Yes this is a found footage movie and no, I don't think its a gimmick any more or less tired than the teen slasher framework. These horror style choices can work just as effectively as any other, so it doesn't loose points from me on that front. This film's biggest problem is further under the surface.

The set up works well enough. For a good long while you buy the cast as a reality show film crew that fudges details wherever they can to heighten the reality of their fiction. Its actually pretty fun to watch them coerce more details out of the groundskeeper and even demand better takes of "reality." The way it exposes the bald face lies of shows like Ghost Hunters and Paranormal State tickled me pink. How pink do you ask?

This pink... god I hate Ghost Hunters.

But all hubris in horror must eventually be answered for and I applaud the script for keeping the paranormal hocus-pokus to a minimum for half of the run. Though this may have been a budget issue than a creative decision (more on that later). For the first half we are treated to serviceable dialogue delivered by some damn good actors. Merwin Mondesir plays the camera man/arbitrary black character with a surprising amount of depth. He tries to hide his fear of never seeing his family again with an intentionally unconvincing braggadocio that, besides being given the only backstory in the whole film, the material doesn't call for. Sean Rogerson's  role as the host character will be pegged by the audience the instant he opens his mouth. He's so good I could have sworn I'd seen him on TV before.

"So...this script has an ending right? ...Right guys?

Everyone else is...not bad. They don't really matter. Everyone else, that is, except for Ashleigh Gryzko. The movie simply doesn't deserve her performance. Once the ghosts start rattling their chains, all the actors switch gears to "scared mode" and stay there, Only Gryzko tries to dig deeper. I have never seen a mental breakdown so excruciatingly pathetic as hers, which also makes it the most honest. If I could throw some pixie dust in the air, wish, and make her famous I would. But unfortunately, Ryan Reynolds grabbed the last box (ziz-ing!).

So now we come to the ending. By which I mean, there isn't one. Its the classic tale of writers who are really good at making introductions, better at rising action, and have absolutely no f**king clue how to tie up a plot thread. Crap just starts happening. It seems like its going somewhere at first, but ten minutes to the end I realized it was just killing time. There's a fine line between being open to interpretation, and making s**t up as you go along. GE is guilty of the latter.
 
 The link's up top, see for yourself.
 

Metro last light: "Meant to be Played at a Premium"

I've hinted at how DLC can be used for evil and the new Metro game is handily making my case for me. DLC should only be used to add to an already whole experience. Your Fallouts, your Borderlands, even your Dishonoreds, all knew this rule and lived by it. But its when parts of the whole become chopped off and sold at a price for the more discerning and dedicated player that DLC becomes exploitative.

You wanna drop 40 some odd bucks on a bunch of paint jobs for your guns? Go for it. That's cosmetic, like streamers on the handles of your new bike. You aren't profoundly experiencing a different game than anyone else, but you are more invested and theoretically getting more out of it. If that's what you want, its your money and retailers shouldn't feel remorse for tapping that market. But games are expensive and sixty bucks should get you everything a developer has developed at launch.

When the hardest difficulty setting is billed as "the way its meant to be played" and is then made available only to those who pre-order it and sold at a premium to everyone else, I get steamed. It says a lot about  the game's backers, the state of video game marketing, and a fair bit about the product itself. Single player gaming is seen as a pricey indulgence in the industry today as it is. So they will continue to scramble to find more ways to circumvent the used market and pad their bottom line.

 I'm absolutely fine with publishers finding better ways to feed their shareholders. If they have a product worth selling I'll buy it. I'll take a half pound of cherries with my five pound crate of oranges. It's when that crate of oranges is padded with too much tissue paper, and the last sixth of them are only sold as premium "super oranges" that contains critical plot development... ok I've lost the metaphor. 

The point is, difficulty modes are relatively simple to implement and make a world of a difference in re-playability. It's not a new part of the story, it's not cosmetic, It may not even be that good, and the only reason its not in the core game is because of ass headed marketing jag offs.

So I here stand, thoroughly miffed. Good day internet.

                                                      

Community Survives.

Another year, another nail biting finale for one of my favorite shows. Not that it was that suspenseful, no, I'm talking about worrying over whether or not that was the end. But it got picked up! That's been great news in the past, but what about now?  has it "jumped the shark" as they say, or does it still have some legs?  The answer is a lot of yes...and a little no.

Community has had a complicated history both with myself and it's network. After it finally embraced how weird it could be, I was hooked like nobodies business. Very few shows have an ensemble as inherently funny as well as effectively dramatic, adding more fuel to my "the best actors are comedians" argument (more on that tomorrow).  Community understands the most effective humor comes from tragedy, and every single member of its cast is essentially a tragic figure. Yet they're lovable not in spite, but because of their flaws. Making what seems to be an exercise in childishness to be an earnest character drama.

But remember, its funny as hell.

Which leads us to he end of last season and the summary dismissal of the show's creator and showrunner, Dan Harmon. It stung. It stung because it seemed like cast member Chevy Chase had a lot to do with it. I know this is a business and casts aren't really ever as collaborative and happy as they seem on dvd extras...but I wanted to believe Community was.

Yet instead of killing it, NBC decided Community should continue. Whether it would be a proud success story, or a shambling zombie, remained to be seen. So a year later, what did we see? A little of both. It was essentially the first season all over again, missteps alined with hints at greatness. Perice's (Chevy Chase's) random disappearances notwithstanding, this was not the abomination I was expecting, and for that I am thank full. Though, understandably, this was far from the show's finest hour.

Still, the finale managed to bring the last remaining plot lines to a close. Did Greendale change Jeff? Was the darkest timeline ever going to be paid off? Were they ever going to bother to write Chase off the show? The answer ended up being yes. In that way the season was a success, in that way, I am hopeful for the future. Sure they haven't been picked up for a full season; seeing as they aren't on the fall schedule, but I can live with another 13 episodes. I'm sure the rest of us Greendalians can too.

The Cabin in the Woods Review: Netflix Y'all! Um...You. All.

Damnit Netflix, you have to stop doing this. The last time I wanted to cancel you plopped "Top of the Lake" in my lap. Now you've got a whole 'nuther season of "American Dad!" ...and whats this? for me? you shouldn't have. I really can't stay mad at you buddy, not if you keep up this Whedon related goodness.

So yeah, "Cabin in the Woods" is on Netflix and this marks maybe the third time I've seen it. I am not a guy who rewatches movies and I only own maybe less than fifteen actual dvds. Only my personal best of the best  ever gets seen again and in the case of one ludicrous outlier (Hot Fuzz) sometimes twelve more times. But that's a very very special case.

Anyway, you have already probably heard about it and probably had the better parts ruined for you, and that's a shame. The last act is really something special and even I could not have foreseen the gaping depths of meta Whedon and his writing partner pulled off here. In just under 90 minutes they boiled down the essence of horror into something that was simultaneously thrilling and hilarious. So if you havn't checked it out yet please do.  You may not like it as much as I did, but you are going to laugh and you are going to have a good time...but the more I think about it the film, the more I miss Bradly Whitford.

Recommended Viewing



Fran Kranz:
Dollhouse

Bradley Whitford:
The West Wing
The Good Guys

So Betheda's Teasing a New Wolfenstein!

Cool, I certainly didn't mind the 2009 version one bit and its nice to see some classic IP being put to use with such a solid marketing budget. Good on you Bethesda! But if you don't start flapping your gums about plans for a new Fallout soon...

Freshly STEAM-ed: Alpha Protocol Review

Join me as I mine the backlogs of the steam store for its hidden gems...and buried skeletons.

Three years ago I heard of a game which the press was salivating over. A Spy Thriller RPG. Now those words are to me what chocolate and peanut butter are to most everyone else, delicious. Two of my favorite things now mixed together! What could possibly go wrong?

Plenty. The game was mired by an indecisive production on one side and an impatient publisher on the other. One could hardly call it rushed because it had already taken four years to make, but in it's state the gaming press was justifiably not amused. Jim Stearling (a critic I like) gave it a 2/10 saying “It's disgusting that a game in this forsaken a state is asking for a single thin dime, let alone sixty bucks. Even if it was free I wouldn't recommend it.” Games are expensive, and I pride myself on paying close attention to a wide variety of reviews before making a purchase, suffice to say words like those struck AP off my list for several years.

But then a few months back I was looking for something on the cheap and stumbled across message boards about the most underrated games of this console generation and this came up more than any other. But how could that be?! It was a disaster, so many critics said so... I was still resolute in not giving this game the time of day.

But Joysiq.com had found something. In their article “AlphaProtocol is the new Deus Ex” they claimed that the original ideas it presented were fully realized in spite of its technical shortcomings. It was a good read and it gave me a figurative craving for Reeses. Steam had it for $15 and I'll admit it was late, I was bored, and pretty intoxicated. But I should probably talk about the game now shouldn’t I?

The critics were absolutely right...initially. The game put's its worst foot forward, not once, but several times. The first forth of the game is it's worst by a mile and paradoxically the tutorial chapter is only fun after you've already beaten the game, its weird but true. In fact after I died during the very first real mission the game glitched and all the enemies had disappeared. Enemies are kind of important for those little things a spy thriller needs like tension and conflict. 

The stealth walk is hilarious...the stealth skills are hilariously awesome.

You also can't simply point a gun and shoot it. You need to invest skill points in a corresponding weapon's tree to actually have a chance of hitting something. The enemy’s intelligence is also frighteningly bizarre as well as erratic and they all look like they're walking against an invisible treadmill. So after the first few hours I had a really sour taste in my mouth, I was only playing the game because I felt I had to, and by gum I was going to get my money’s worth.

Thankfully things changed, the minutia of the the previously irritating shooting system began to make sense every gun had strange gimmick attached. Pistols could fire precision shot from behind cover, holding your aim with a shotgun gave it a bigger knockdown effect, holding a rifle shot still charged a kill shot, and so on.Then I started paying closer attention. Passable characters began developing into compelling ones, the skill trees started bearing delicious fruit, and my Taipei secret base was AWESOME. I wasn’t having fun in spite of myself, I was actually having fun.

Mmmmarburrrrg!

There are several wonderful things about AP that other critics either failed to mention or misrepresented. In most games you have all the time you need to respond to characters during dialogue. Obsidian invented the dialogue timer. You have seconds to decide whether to execute an arms dealing warlord or to back stab a trusted handler. It gives immediacy and weight to otherwise over calculated and cold decisions. And everyone has an opinion of you, especially the villains. Towards the end a secondary antagonist was bragging about how little I had thought through the assault on his compound. But I hadn't. I ran through my reasons and tactics exposing how little he actually knew of my plans. Every step I had outplayed him my reputation meter ticked up out of his begrudging respect for my actions. A more perfect tandem of game mechanics and story telling I have never seen.

The long and short of it is this is a diamond in the rough for anyone who loves video games and espionage as much as I do. If you can forgive it's budget and harebrained mechanics, this is the interactive spy novel you never knew you wanted.

I'll play myself out.

The Five Greatest Pieces of Downloadable Content. (That I've ever played)

Every gaming generation seems to create a new elephant in the room. Emerging technology; coupled with a voracious need to profit from it, creates palpable tension between those who want to embrace the new and those who fear for the industry's integrity.  Two acronyms loom largest over the twilight of this one: DRM and DLC. I'm not wading into digital rights management today, thank god, but rather trying to see the silver lining in the newest form of content delivery. It ain't perfect, it can do damage, and can easily be taken advantage of. But every once in a while it makes magic.

5. Portal 2 : Perpetual Testing Initiative 

 

Poor Little Octopus...

Maybe this doesn't count as DLC and maybe I just really wanted one more Cave Johnson video. Either way, opening up Portal 2 to crowd sourcing has fixed the single biggest problem of all puzzle games i.e. running out of puzzles. Modding communities are one of the greatest thing to ever happen to PC gaming and Valve found a way for console gamers to get in on the action too. Also tacitly admitting its a way to steal ideas is both hilarious and accurate. So there, more reasons to love valve and their free range, wavy gravy, beatnik, multi-billion dollar corporation. They continue to be one of the most delightful of all private companies. I mean we haven't heard of Google using your search history as blackmail...YET! But that day's a'comin' folks.

4. Mass Effect 3: Citadel

I'd love to explain why I disliked sitting through ten minutes of grandiose exposition from a literal god machine at the end of Mass Effect 3, but I'd rather gouge my eyes out then dreg that crap up again. So I'm gonna talk about the things about the game I love, like Citadel. Whatever side of the ending kerfuffle you fall on, I think we can all agree that a giant house party with all your old crew mates (on paper) sounds like a grand old time. And as hard as I was on the Starchild (sigh), Citadel felt like the writers took me out for an apology dinner full of war stories, hard drinking, and backslapping. 

The shooting part of the story was a fine yarn and more than a little hilarious. In fact Bioware is now definitely the best candidate for the "48 Hours" game...yes, yes I think I would like that very much.

 We just want you to be funny again, you can do it Eddie!

Believe in yourself.

But when the dust finally settles in the Normandy's docking bay, around your comrades and space hamster, the real fun begins. The ritzy Vegas strip area of the Citadel opens up and you're free to mill around while you gather all the stuff you need to throw the greatest party the milky way has ever seen! The amount of detail that went into this mother is absolutely incredible. Even a downloadable character like Zaeed, who I felt was pretty underrated, has a great little scene all his own trying to win at a claw machine. That sums up what was truly great about the whole trilogy, there are meaningful and fully realized things you can experience that hundreds of other players will never ever see. A feature shared by video games...and the Louver. So, pour one out for the Citadel, its wonderful.

3. Fallout New Vegas: (all of it)

mmm, fan art!

Isn't this shocking? My favorite game of all time makes the list somehow, but hear me out. Every piece was planned out from the start and they all tie in with both each other and the main game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don't believe that’s ever happened before and if it has, I sincerely doubt they were this good. They serve as mini vacations from the Mojave Wasteland and make what was already a forty hour adventure exponentially even longer. Hey, I never said these things were good for you.

From the Dead Money's spectacular setting and villain, to Lonesome Road's ball busting combat, to Old World Blue's  awesome talking apartment, each of the four installments stand on their own as solid efforts. But at the very least they all bumped the level cap up by five and they weren’t separate experiences from the campaign, I hate that. Plus they simply gave me more New Vegas and I can't thank them enough for that.

2. Bioshock 2: Minerva's Den

Bioshock 2 is one of the most universally ignored sequels of all time. Some people even go as far to say that Minerva's den was the only worthwhile part of the whole game and while I disagree with the hypocrisy of their agenda...they are on to something. 

Minerva's Den is Bioshock boiled down to its bare bones and its amazing how much of the original's magic they manage to recapture in just under three hours of game play. The story is fascinating, the twist interesting, and it fleshes out parts of the little sister R&D I never thought I wanted to know. More than that, it also explains Dr. Tannenbaum's jarring departure from Delta's side in the beginning of the main game and introduces a few very well written and acted characters of its own. Like the rest of the trilogy it manages to be both thought provoking and tragic. The single fact that it completely stands on its own is worth my critical stamp of approval. Even if I hate standalone campaigns, I can still respect the hell out of Minerva’s Den.

1. Borderlands: The Secret Armory of General Knoxx

You know you want it.

This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the DLC that changed my mind on DLC in general. Its not that's its good, its that its so good it made me hopeful for the entire concept of downloaded content. Simply put, Knoxx is better than what came in the box. Not only that, but it set a grand precedent for Gearbox Software ( a company I love to bits) and their subsequent efforts in Borderlands 2. Each of which were pretty good at worst and literally game changing at best, their season pass with 2 is one hell of a deal if you're interested.

 Even if Borderlands isn't your bag, Gearbox still drew a line in the sand three years ago. They forced everyone in the industry to pick up their ears and pay attention to the right way to do DLC. If you can't hear me, I'm slow clapping.