10 Reasons I Both Love and Loath Dark Souls.

"And me without my ghost harmonica..."

I'll admit I got on the Dark Souls boat pretty late, but as a guy who put down Demon Souls halfway through, I had quite a bit of cautious skepticism to to deal with first. The glowing praise for Dark Souls was, in itself, untrustworthy. The trick was parsing what was genuine appreciation for the game and what may have actually been stockholm syndrome. Give me another piece of art that can induce that.

So after finally buying the game and collapsing breathless on to Gwyn's bonfire a couple times, I thought I'd finally get around to writing a review. But what I had to say then wasn't kind, nor objective. It's only now, about two months later, that I feel I can finally articulate my thoughts on why Dark Souls is a masterpiece...that I want to see hung by the neck until dead.

-1. It really isn't fair.

"Should have made a ranged character, dumbass." -dragon rib cage

The critics lied. The prevailing mantra in all reviews I read was that it was a ridiculous, rage inducing, experience that was tough but fair. I'm calling bullsh*t. Not only is there a story quest where you have to die, not only are there several places where the game's awful physics engine has your life in its hands, but if your nose isn't glued to a wiki you're not going to have any idea what what to do for your character's equipment.

I love hard, unfair, games. Devil May Cry 3 may actually be one of my favorite games ever. But that sucker barely clocks in under 13 hours start to finish. Both DS's are RPGs and are at least twice that length. In DMC, when you hit a really rough spot, you blame your skill. In DS you panic and wonder if you've spent the last 25 hours building an absolutely useless character.

+1. It's an unforgettable experience because it isn't fair.

I'm gonna say something that's gonna make all the DS vets smack their heads on their desks: Londo Sniper. They are the worst, the worst, part of the game. This is everything that's awful about DS  boiled down to about 50 feet:

HIS BLOOD STAIN'S RIGHT TH-  awwwwwww.

That part of the game made me curse my birth and the half baked physics the devs were torturing me with. But you know what you feel like when you finally, finally, get past him? When you parry his sword and pimp slap him into a thousand foot Disney villain death? Invincible.


-2. You will have no idea where you have to go and what you have to do.

There's a fine line between holding a player's hand and throwing them into the briar patch. In DS the briar patch is made of razor wire and its on fire. It's easy at first to know where you have to go. If you wandered into a well full of knifey ghost gals on your first run, I'm very, very, sorry. But after killing, say, the two gargoyles and ringing the bell... what then? I didn't know. There is no hint, nor rhyme, nor reason to tell you to go to the depths, to get the key, to walk through the valley of drakes, to find Blight Town, to kill the fire spider chick, to ring the second bell.

Critics give adventure games all kinds of hell for goals a fraction as obtuse as these. Saying you need to read the wiki is crap. What are our children's children to do when the robots take over and destroy the internet? How will they even know the painted world of Ariamis even exists?! It's rushed, callous, game design successfully spun as "challenge."

+2  The secrets upon secrets upon awesome.

Getting turned around in DS is literally a slow, painful, death. You've probably just killed a boss after two hours of trying, you have run out of homeward bones, (don't ask) and BAM! a mosquito just threw a puddle of blood over your life bar's last leg. Congratulations, that was six levels of xp. After that episode, I was in a fit of rolling rage (when you mash the dodge button out of directionless fury) and soon I rolled through a invisible wall and found a entire set of armor that was perfect for my character. A set that was equal to the value of souls I'd just lost.

DS is unquestionably the greatest "metroidvania" since 1997. It's a giant, terrifying, labyrinth that is constantly feeding back into itself. That is, when it isn't  revealing massive secret areas that are as well made and intricate as the story's path. The aforementioned painted world isn't some one off easter egg.  Its not an interesting little place you can just leave after ten minutes. No. Its at least a good three hours of content with new enemies and a really fun boss. She's invisible and you try to catch her sneaking up on you by her snow prints, god, it's a wonderful fight.

The point is, a lesser developer would have chopped that off and sold it as day one dlc. A less, lesser dev would have openly advertised it with a crazy old man you can't help but run into who forces a treasure map into your hands. What From software does is madness. Wonderful, overly intricate, madness.

+3 You are an Unstoppable Killing Machine. 

When you get in a groove with your favorite weapon and load out in DS *record scratch* you'll feel good. You'll feel amazing. Going back to areas that used to give you nightmare sweats and clearing out monsters with a flick of your index finger is a rush few other games can reach...let alone replicate. You'll need that confidence to get through to the end game and I love how nothing scales to your level. Because nobody seriously thought that was a good idea, oblivion.

-3 You are a porcelain sack of potatoes.

Everything is a double edged sword in DS. A weapon that works wonderfully against one enemy is a disaster against another. A dodge that saved your life in one boss battle will send you flying off a cliff in another. Some armor load outs are... you get the idea. You are mortal, DS never wants you to forget that. Its depressing.

-4 The story is a complete afterthought...

Everyone dead, one zombie chosen... fire good. That is the story of Dark Souls if you infer absolutely nothing about the world around you. This wouldn't be a knock against the game if there wasn't a narrated intro droning on about a bunch of folks you don't know or care about. Then there's another when a giant crow scoops you up in the beginning explaining where you are. That's it. Its really crappy story telling. It would be one thing to be left completely in the dark about where you are and what you're doing. Shadow of the Colossus did this and I thought that was pretty good. Because it slaps on a traditional narrative arc in the beginning and does absolutely nothing else with it, when I killed the final boss I sat back and mumbled "that's it?"

That is the absolute worst thing that can be said by a player at the end of a game.

+4 ...while the setting is absolutely hypnotic.

The most frustrating thing about the story is that its setting is scrumptiously mysterious. Why are some undead chosen to be revived ad infinitum while others are condemned to homicidal madness? What's the deal with the sentient slime in the depths? What's the deal with Blight Town? What's the deal with those adorable little mushrooms and why are they in such an adorable little hurry? These questions don't need answering, yet they burn in the back of my head whenever I play. They say you should show more than you tell and no one does that better than DS.

-5 The online aspect is obtuse, more irritating than helpful, and is literally deadly.

To be honest, I like the little flaming text messages DS players can send each other. I like how there's a spell you can learn to make more of them appear. I like how you can only choose from a mad lib list of objects and phrases so you can never give too much away and the immersion never breaks.

"Try holding with both hands" ...dude. Come on guys.

But when some overpowered punk invades the friggin' crystal caverns and just ... pushes you. I don't, I just, grrr. Maybe I'm a sore looser, maybe I'm really bad at this game. But I know that no one has the right to rip me out of the game when I'm just a single sword stroke away from killing those bosses. That's right, those bosses. Welp, guess what GFWL does every time it has a conniption fit? And it does it constantly. It usually drops me right where I left off, but it only needed to to heal Ornstein once to get a spot on this list. Good. Lord. Not cool.

+5 But there was this one time...

After GFWL had slapped the almost victory out of my hands I was dumbstruck. I had had it up to more than here (my hand is like, so far above my head right now) with DS. I was ready to put this sucker down for good...until my game had been invaded by someone named Pixlerazor. And he was about to get so rage-rolled. I was a heavy armor guy and he was a light guy, so every time I got close he just sprinted away like a maniacal pixie dream man. This went on until I had him pinned against a fire place (he was so gonna get it) ...and he rolled through a secret door and showed me how to get the best heavy armor in the game.

I was dumbstruck.

We chated, friended, killed some giants together, he dropped some green tantinite I desperately needed, and we went our separate ways. Pixlerazor restored my faith in the game. Not just equipment wise (Ornstein wouldn't know what hit em') but personally. DS players can be a violent, occasionally political bunch. But in a game so callous and uncaring, they can bare a different kind of soul: a bright one.   

 

Extra Credits: The Best Discussion about the Video Game Industry on the Internet

A few friends of mine are not (I repeat, not) gamers. They are collectively the most intelligent people I know...and they know it.

Theirs is the world of literature, mathematics, and chemistry respectively. They love books, they like movies, and will tolerate television. The math one is still mad I "made" her "waste" an entire weekend watching three whole seasons of Breaking Bad, as if I had a gun to her head. Wait, people can't read sarcasm. OK, I did not have a gun to her head, she lives in an entirely different state, I swear.

Anywho, you can imagine their feelings on video games. Whenever I accidentally drop a cursory mention of something I happen to be playing their faces fall, (or they did, we haven't physically hung out in over a year) they have the solemn look saved for a friend they've just remembered has a pitiful, crippling, addiction. They think I'm pro gun control, that I'm a stalwart anti-feminist, and that I haven't been laid in six months. I'd like to point out it's only been two months. So Ha!

I've struggled to chip away at their willful ignorance, but again, I'm an impartial addict in their eyes. But I think I've found a way to at least make them think twice before declaring games the downfall of civilization. It's a fantastic web series called Extra Credits.

See? You see what you non-gamers are missing out on?!

Its witty, its informative, its not afraid to go super "inside baseball" and there isn't a an ounce of pretension to be found in its 130 episode deep back catalog.

I'd personally recommend the first episode as well as:

No Redeeming Value

Enriching Lives 

Facing Controversy 

Sexual Diversity

Gamifying Education

...and True Female Characters



While I'm actually pretty miffed at their latest episode, (here's why) They are far and away the most intelligent critics discussing the industry today. Everyone should listen to them, if only for five minutes, and I mean gamers and haters alike. You'll both walk away with something to think about, and its because of that I feel comfortable calling them master debaters...what?

"Welcome to the Daily Show, My Name is John Oliver"

For the first time in 14 years, the hosting duties of the Daily Show have changed hands.  For those who just clicked the hyperlink, "who the hell was Craig kilborn?" indeed. In the last decade, this show has become more than a source of some of the sharpest political satire. It is seriously how I get most of my news. I've grown to trust the trade off of its largely liberal bias with its grade "A" bullsh*t detector when it comes to either party.

As 24 hour news has eroded practically all objectivity in American journalism, no one has taken them to task for it more than Jon Stewart and his tireless writer army on the Daily Show. Stewart has essentially been the Daily Show since 1996, the one constant in a vast revolving door of corespondents.

 A dire topic of conversation with a few friends years ago started with looking at two clips back to back (one from 98' and one from 09') laughing about how much closer he looked to death; then slowly coming to grips with how our personal Cronkite was human and couldn't do this forever. One suggested Jason Jones would take the reigns.  The other threw back what was left of his gatorade shaking his head. He tilted his head down, giving us the "one second" gesture, essentially saying  "There's no way in hell Jason takes over...and there's glacial freeze in my windpipe."  But after watching a sketch they had done the week before, I had become convinced that they had already made their decision. I said Oliver was gonna get it.

They both thought about it, but eventually came to an agreement that it would go to an up and coming unknown, except for me. I wanted to bet money on it being Oliver. That clip only seemed like half a joke and when that conversation came up with other people I told them who I was betting on and more often than not they thought it was the wrong horse.

So when I first heard the news about Stewart taking a break to direct a film I broke down and went into full tilt victory dance mode. "I F**KING TOLD EM'!!" I yelled for a good five minutes. I made a few toldYAso texts and didn't hear anything back...it was clear nobody really gave a damn. Or maybe they were too crushed to face me text to text! Yeah, yeah that's how it went down.

So Oliver has the big chair now, how'd he do? They've canceled shows over lesser things than a different host before. He did fine. Very well, even. Though I do miss John's "titter breaks" when he buries his face in his scribble paper. Oliver smartly avoids aping Stewart's candor and of course his accent is a loverly change of pace. For the record, Oliver's pan-southern accent is better than Jon's. But never say "all OF ya'll" ever again. That was physically painful.

We've known for a long time that Oliver was A. one of the best corespondents since Colbert (his career turned out alright) and B. he's just a damn fine comedian underneath. It's actually weird how not weird this regime change is. Should the unthinkable happen, one of my favorite shows is in good hands, this could have been much more awkward that it was. So it is with the utmost respect that I personally say, to you, John Oliver:

Go F**k yourself.

You magnificent, limey, ponce.

Harmon is back on Community!

I certainly don't think Season 4 of Community was it's finest hour(s). But darn it, if it didn't do right by it's story structure and characters... for the most part. But my ears certainly pricked up when, for the past few weeks, there were rumblings that NBC had secretly approached Dan Harmon with an olive branch to return to the show. But since he had been; in his view, coolly pushed out, the odds were good that even if the red showrunner carpet was laid at his feet, he would pass anyway.

This was thankfully not the case. Not only is Community coming back for 13 more episodes, not only is Harmon back in the driver's seat, not only is the wonderful Chris Mckenna going to write for the show again, but now I think we can finally pierce ('scuse me) piece together what really drove him off the set in the first place.

I'll be honest. I have no concrete evidence on any of the following, but it looks very likely Chevy Chase's industry clout, disdain for the show's writing, as well as personal issues with Harmon specifically, got him the boot a year ago. Why? Well all these "return" rumors only started swirling after the last episode aired. This was also Chevy's last. The man barely clocks in four minutes of screen time and was also noticeably absent for several other episodes this season, but that's more my critical issue with his career choices than evidence.

By looking at the only major difference going into season 5, that being Chase's character being written off the show, the absence of Chase seems the most likely cause. Maybe NBC thought fresh blood in the creative department could help the ratings and backtracked when they decayed even further. Maybe it was both. But now I think it's fair to say that the feud had at least a very big hand to play in this depressing chapter of one of the best written American comedies of the decade.

But who cares?! Harmon's back, the weight of Peirce as one note character and Chase's toxic "behind the scenes" presence is gone, and now we as the audience have the chance to see the show end as it's creator intended, or at least, intends.

  So I think I speak for all Greendalians when I scream at the top of my lungs:

See? didn't even use one GIF.

The 5 Burning Questions E3 2013 had Better Answer.

So sad.

1. The Steam Box...what's going on here Valve?

What is it? We know it's not the piston because there's no way in console hell a $1000 anything is going to make a difference if your brand don't look like an apple. So is it a cheap PC attached to a TV attached to the Steam network? If so, that's one hell of a gamble. Valve has a hard core group of supporters, but they all have PCs. If what I've been told is the case, how then will they evangelize the console crowd? I have an idea, and that idea is almost as frustrating as my next question...

Flirt!

2. Beyond Good and Evil 2, AKA my achy breaky heart.

Grump.


3. Xbox One. Yes or No answers only.

The core crowd is fuming over just how evasive Microsoft has been about explaining to the public the shadier details of the product they're planing on purchasing. Details like, The publisher has the say in whether a game can be traded. And yet, Microsoft offers a one time, 30 day trial gift thing, to a friend on your list who has been a friend for longer than 30 days.

M'kay, that's certainly different. But here's the rub: "from time to time, Microsoft may change its policies, terms, products and services to reflect modifications and improvements to our services, feedback from customers and our business partners or changes in our business priorities and business models or for other reasons." Translation: we don't know how any of this is going to stick and reserve the right to make everything we've told you about this product irrelevant especially after you've so kindly filled our coffers.

Boo. And I mean ALL the boo's. It's crap like that, that kept me from buying a PS3 until 2010. I can personally vow to not touch either console until a year after launch, because the quote above is basically a platinum card of consumer oriented f**kery. I sir, will have none of it...for a year or two at least. Destiny might be fun.


4. The Last Guardian: So is it coming out or... you know what? I don't want to know.

You have know idea who or what it is...yet, you love this chicken-dog-duck.

The voraciously anticipated spiritual successor to what is literally the Citizen Kane of video games has been trapped in limbo for this entire console cycle. I see the writing on the wall. Either it's dead and buried, or it's a frankenstein-ian corpse of a creative mis-fire. Either way, it belongs forgotten. Would you want to see a long lost Orson Wells film in which Wells himself had walked off the production halfway through? That's what I thought.

Maybe in the last; Jesus, five years, they've managed to turn it around and it will be an earth shattering masterpiece/the perfect swan song to the PS3 as it comes sliding down a rainbow of world peace and then takes us all out for gelato. I'd love to be wrong. I'm also not holding my breath.


5. Hey, Hey, All the Guys! What's this gonna cost me?

That's the real question isn't it? Everyone remembers the infamous PS3 $600 downer from the last console cycle, and it was justifiably the reason the 360's install base had Sony swinging at air all this time. I say no one is going to sell a console at that price, or at least the point of entry won't $600. Industry analyst Michael Patcher says it will be less than $500. That's...generous. But this cycle literally cannot afford to loose, If they do end up costing under $400, expect to spend $200 somewhere else. There's no free lunch in this, or any other business, and I think I know how they're going to get that money back. You ready?

$70 games.

Soooooooo sad.

Beyond Good and Evil 2 tries my patience for the 4th time in 8 years.

Hodup-hodup-hodup... Pey'j? are you here to break my heart again? 'cause I REALLY don't feel like waiting a year in between screen shots of what you claim to be Beyond Good and Evil 2. This started getting ridiculous four damn years ago.

All's I'm saying is at E3 this time? You'd better pick up what you've just thrown down or I'm not buying what you're selling... that's not true. I'd buy two copies if you asked nice enough. And I know you will buddy.

This video came out when I had two years left in high school.

*cries in a pillow.*

Hannibal: Roti Review. What?! oh, Ew! Jesus...wow.

nowwheresmynut

This is it. The part where a show looses steam and the wheels fall off. Sometimes we forgive them and learn to live with their faults for a few seasons. Sometimes the gleaming promise of the pilot isn't enough to keep it from needing a bullet to the head.

This is not the issue with Hannibal. Not. At. All.

This is what the death throws of a major network looks like. It is awesome.

 It is reaching into the rarefied air of shows that started off good and only got better. This is some Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Game of Thrones type stuff and I cannot wait to see what else it has up its sleeve. Because that is one disgusting, horrifying sleeve.

So... what all went down last night? In short; it was the best chapter to date, in long, it was the triumphant return of Eddie Izzard's identity conflicted killer Dr. Abel Gideon. There's a biblical point somewhere in his character, but damn if I can't figure it out. Izzard is wonderful in the part, I knew he would be, whats more important is how they up the ante in the crazy serial killer busy work department. Not once, not twice, but three times I either groaned or gagged or cursed out loud. Se7en, only did that twice. This isn't just a well written and acted show, this is the new gold standard of body horror.

Everyone else has plenty to do as well. Graham, Lecter, Crawford, Doc Bev, and even Freddie Lounds have their parts to play and moments to shine. Graham in particular reaches critical mass in terms of loosing his grip on reality. His lucid dreams and hallucinations are among the most unnerving not just so far, but in the annals of "creepy as f*ck" dream sequences of old.

The special effects, makeup, and action sequences were as feature quality as they always were, but never over indulged. The perverse creativity of the episode's many kills are allowed to shine. As are the eerie, long winded, justifications for their purpose. Not that I mind a long winded script once in a while...I could listen to Izzard read a whole phone book.

But the best news out of all of the fresh blood this show has spilled, is the fact a new order of 13 episodes has been placed by NBC for next year. Fuller has issues not with being a wonderful show runner, but keeping those shows on the air. I'm comfortable calling Hannibal his masterpiece and it does this young heart good to know some of that enthusiasm I feel can trickle down to studio executives. 

Bon Appetit.

Thank...well, not god,but umm...hm.