Bullet Point Teaser: My Game of the Year: Bioshock Infinite.

 I've re-written this so many times I've had dreams about it. So I'm teasing my main points now so you know where I'm coming from before I feel better about them in paragraph form.

I feel like I should almost apologize. I feel like I just confessed something both embarrassing and philistine. No serious critic anywhere except Neoseeker thinks it is. So I feel like my decision is misguided at best and contrarian at worst. But no, no game last year grabbed me so hard and held on for so long. This was the same year as The Last of Us and GTA V, so I wish that I was just being a dick about this. I wish I could convince myself to say what I'm about to say in regards to the other front runners. BSI was the most original and important game of the year. I hope I can convince you why I think that is. 

1. It's opening 30 minutes were absolutely magical.

2. It positively nailed both cultist indoctrination and genuine faith.  

3. It's use of racial tension was braver and more insightful than a lot of critics bothered to analyze (why yes, those were fight'n words.)

4. I actually liked the shooting... I mean BS2's was deeper, but come on guys.

5. Courtnee Draper got the grand flourishes and subtle nuances of Elizabeth's character down perfectly. 

6.The DE-makes of modern music were as well made as they were fascinating story points.

7. Choosing to loose focus on Colombia in the 3rd act was a mistake...

8. ...But the character study it became was still pretty damn interesting. 

9. I played Infinite for well over 80 hours. I don't know what that means, but it can't mean nothing.

10. Burial at Sea made the Rapture lover in me purr like a kitten.

11. I know I will still play this game at least 5 more times.

The Lego Movie Review: An Immaculate Construction.

It's that good, people. Lord and Miller have done it again. For the third time in a row, they have taken an idea that has no right being tolerable, and made it awesome. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs should have been a soulless, by-the-numbers, shanking of a beloved children's book that's barely 20 pages long.

But I loved it's manic energy, genuine pathos, and masterful comic timing so much... I think an 87% isn't nearly high enough. Though to be fair it was an 80% 5 years ago, good to know some folks recanted. And while I thought 21 Jump Street was a bit of a step backwards in terms of story telling for them, it was still funny as hell. The funniest movie of that year by far. And it's worth pointing out that it bites the hand the feeds both frequently and viciously. But it's done so carefully it's disguised as a winking nudge. But it isn't. 21-JS was a film that despised it's own reason for existing. But that wouldn't stop it from being the best little reboot it could possibly be. That in-itself would have been enough for my seal of approval. Regardless of the ironically inclusive hipster bullies, Ellie Kemper's adorably horny chemistry teacher, and Jonah Hill singing show tunes on speed.

They even show up for 5 seconds as Superman and uh... that other guy.

So yeah, I've been following these guys for a while now. I didn't know what to expect from The Lego Movie for years, and suddenly I saw Rotten Tomatoes drowning in gleefully rave reviews. I was pumped, provided I got off work early enough, I thought I'd catch a really late show to A. finally see what this "darkly meta" 3rd act twist was all about and B. feel like less of a creep seeing it without any kids in the audience. Believe it or not, there were quite a few 6 year olds at a 10:50 show. So now you know that.

But even with all the hype and after devouring all the trailers and clips, I still have to say that nearly everything about this movie was awesome. Sure, almost all the best jokes are in the marketing material. Sure, I figured out the twist a third of the way through. Sure, I may not want to sit through it again just yet. But I'll say this, it earned all the hype it's got.

This was pretty much my expression for a solid 100 minutes.

Our unassuming hero is a construction worker named Emmet. A perfectly normal guy, who hides his crippling loneliness under a cheerfully aggressive need to constantly "follow the instructions." There's instructions for everything in Brickburg. From brushing your teeth, to greeting the day, to nonchalantly referencing last night's hit sitcom to your co-workers. He believes that if he follows them closely enough, everyone will like him. Or at the very least... someone might like him. But no, nobody likes Emmet. He's just too normal. But soon he stumbles upon an ancient relic known only as the "piece of resistance" and becomes the most interesting, most important, and most intelligent person who has ever lived: "The Special." Only he and a rag tag army of fellow master builders can take on President Lord-Business and avert a world wide apocalyptic event called T.A.C.O.S. Tuesday. The S is silent.

It's worth pointing out that the fact a film like this could get middling reviews is a minor miracle. This should be a po-faced, by-comitee, feature length commercial. And yet it's an absolute joy. Everything in the film is made out of legos. The ocean, water droplets, fire, smoke plumes, explosions, and hair flips. All Lego, all the time. It's glorious. The voice work is solid across the board. Elizabeth Banks and Chris Pratt are both delights, no surprise there. Allison Brie plays something called a "uni-kitty" Charlie Day killed me just by manically screaming the word "Spaceship!" and Nick Offerman is a pirate. If you're still not sold, then you clearly had your sense of humor surgically removed for some sort of elective frowning prosthetic and are now well beyond my help.

But if you were worried Morgan Freeman would stick out a little too much surrounded by these golden idols of comedy... yeah. You were half right. But the other half? The other half is just so damn funny it makes his stunt casting seem like a long con. I wouldn't put it past the directors if that were the case.

If you think the LA critic intelligentsia are just drinking a bunch of PR Kool-aide, you're wrong. If you think the rest of us are just chiming in on what all the cool kids are talking about, you're wrong. The Lego Movie is a heartfelt, achingly funny, celebration of a child's imagination. If you remember what you saw in your head when you played with legos back in the day, you're gonna have a blast. Just try not to think too hard about the studio politics that put the trailer for Morgan Freeman's new nature doc right in front of it.

So don't uh... don't think about it! Look, Motorcycle!

Tom Hiddleston to Star in Highrise.

What's that? You say I haven't updated my blog in almost a week? You're saying I promised a GOTY article about Bioshock Infinite? Tough noogies, I'm talking about this now. And on a unrelated note, I'm really sorry.

But Highrise sounds really good. A cross breed between Elysium and Die Hard. Also Tom Hiddleston. The film is an adaptation to JG Ballard's 1975 novel about a self sufficient Highrise apartment building that is so comfortable and contained, that no one ever leaves. All is well until electric issues upset the shaky peace between the lower and upper floors (OBVIOUSLY NOT A METAPHOR OF ANY KIND, no sir) and the battle begins.

I haven't read the novel yet, that's going to change, but I have high hopes for this one. We are long over due for this generation's Sweeny Todd.

Parks and Rec, Ann & Chris Review: That could have been the end.

There's a crane shot at the end of this that got me more than anything in this episode did. A crane shot that shows Ann's neighborhood connecting to the rest of Pawnee Indiana. I know this show isn't filmed on location. I know that most of it is really in Los Angeles on a sound stage. But now I'm biting my lip because a CGI'd shot made Pawnee just a little more real. And I'm surprised how much that actually means to me.

Yes, Rashida Jones and Rob Lowe have left Parks and Rec. And yes there was a lot of single shot goodbye scenes, a lame "perfect gift" subplot, and Leslie freaking out over not having everything for her last Perkins party. But it all worked. A lesser show would have crumbled under the sentimentality. It's a credit to P&R's savant-like ability to simultaneously subvert and improve upon genre conventions that the "goodbye Chris and Ann" episode is only very good instead of disappointingly saccharine.

That being said, I'd be perfectly happy if that were the end. Just like how Breaking Bad's finale didn't have to be (and wasn't) it's best episode, Chris and Ann did it's job with style. Calling back to why Leslie and Ann met in the first place, to Andy and Ann's first one on one relationship conversation in what feels like seasons.

It's also worth saying that Ron's goodbye was absolutely priceless, I didn't think Jones could emote like that, which brings me to one of my sharper bones to pick with other P&R fans. ANN WAS NEVER HALF AS BORING AS YOU WANTED HER TO BE. Sorry, I get defensive when fans start picking on a Jonah for no reason. In the case of many fan's opinions, Ann was the show's weakest link. I clearly couldn't disagree more. If ya'll really want to complain about a character that has been irritatingly one note from ep. 1 Then let's talk about Aubrey Plaza.

But then I'd still disagree, because the staff always knew how to write for her, Jones's character was never so lucky. Was she going to be Leslie's bestie? It took a while for them to figure it out. Was she going to ever be on the inside of Pawnee's municipal government? That also took years. Even a writing staff on a show as good as P&R lets things fall through the cracks and more often than not, Ann got the short shrift.

But I always felt Jones nailed the "straight man" role and her recent pregnant rants "Let's talk about vomit, kids!" last week were golden. So if you were planning a "good riddance" post or something, I'd choose your wording carefully. Was it Ann the character that bothered you, or Jones's performance?

At any rate, I'm super proud of P&R right now. If you've been keeping score, there have been at least 3 solid possible finale episodes. Leslie's election, Leslie's wedding, and Ann's goodbye could all have been it. If I had to pick one, it would be Ann and Chris. That's how good it will make you feel.

100% unprocessed awesomesauce.

Burial at Sea episode 2 reveal... also Sly Cooper's a movie now. For better or worse.

It's been a long wait, but Irrational is finally lifting the veil on their final touches for Bioshock Infinite. I like what I see. But this is literally the opening scene, so if you don't want to be spoiled, avert your "virgin eyes"

Also Sly Cooper has a teaser trailer for their upcoming movie... and it's not what you'd hoped.

It's competent, well animated, and there's a spark of the game's wit buried underneath it all. But there's something missing besides McConnell's theme. Sly wouldn't say "keep your shell on" is what I'm getting at. It's like they needed a spoon fed catch phrase or something. But who knows? I've notoriously hated Pixar trailers before. This could be good.

So Sleppy Hollow ended... wierdly.

Apparently Fox's Sleepy Hollow is already over. Apparently a show about an undead Ichabod Crane endeavoring to stop the four horsemen of the apocalypse with the help of a predominantly African American lead cast wasn't worth a "back 9."

But that's ok. It was a really fun show with good actors having a good time with goofy material played just straight enough to make it work. Except the finale, which was just the last two episodes burned off. Why? I don't know, it's rating were solid. But to be perfectly honest, they were weak tea. Not for lack of trying though. The acting from Beharie and Minson was chipper as always, but the budget and the writing seemed to let the production down quite a bit. I had flashbacks to being force fed ancient Stargate episodes by my old roomate in Washington's tomb. Not that my roomate and I actually hung out in Washington's tomb I... never mind. It felt like there were grander plans for the story that weren't fiscally possible. I mean, you start talking about a zombie General Washington and instead we got a free mason crypt made out of foam rubber. That smacks of a producer edit.

But what did end up saving the show for me was it's cliff hanger twist. For a show like this, I didn't expect it's lore to cut that deep. So if you've been paying attention, a lot of story threads come together in the end. Also we'll definitely be seeing more of John Noble, so yay.

YAY.

All in all, not a great finale. But come next fall with a fresh direction and a war chest full of fx funds, I'll definitely be watching.

Where the hell have I been?

I've been procrastinating is what. Yes, I still don't like my Bioshock Infinite article. Why yes, my game of the year is BIOSHOCK INFINITE. I don't want to get into it yet, believe me, half of my article is defensive pleading. That's kinda why it's taken me so long.

Now other things have caught my interest. Things like Dark Souls 2:

 Isn't it cute how it tries to set up a story, then it's all "F$%k it. You want bosses?! Here's your damn bosses!"

Am I head over heels for this series. After throwing down Demon Souls in a rage 4 years ago, and shamefully cheating my way past my first 2 playthroughs of Dark Souls (I've got at least 4 finished characters now) I'm in love. I get it now. I have atoned for my cheating ways and bent DS backwards and forwards since February of last year. I'm in deep, is what I'm saying. That game lit up the risk/reward part of my brain like a damn forest fire and I'd be lying if I said 2 wasn't fulfilling some kind of chemical fix. So whenever it comes to PC (they said late march, but you sure won't see me holding my breath) I'd throw down for the $120 special edition if it was the only one left in stock.

...I did mention the chemical addiction part right?

Now for TV, and the triumphant return of Hannibal!

That was... words can't... how the hell is this on network TV?!

This was the biggest and most pleasant surprise of last year. If you pressed me, and if it wasn't for Breaking Bad's graceful landing, I would have said it was the best show of last year. Certainly the best police procedural in almost a decade. Between this and True Detective my cup runneth over for stylized cop dramas with perfect casting. 

So that's what I've been thinking about. I'll try not to be so forgetful next time, here on the every-other daily crackpot.