True Detective Season 1 Review: No Mask? No Mask!

When a show comes down the pike staring the kind of actors that TD had, it's easy to let expectations get the better of you. I can't say I was staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for it to premiere. But come on, Woody Harrelson and Mathew Mcconaughey as antagonistic homicide partners? There was no way in hell I wasn't going to watch it all, whether I liked it or not. And I can safely say after the first hour I was definitely staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for the next chapter of True Detective.

This was the best police procedural I've seen in a decade, maybe ever. Not just for what it did; reversing the buddy cop dynamic, heavily referencing 19th century horror stories, and having one of the all time greatest extended shots put to screen. But I'm more impressed about what TD didn't do. The central killer isn't some insidious mastermind toying with Rust and Marty, there is no humongous plot twist that changes everything you thought was true about the case, and everything you really need to know is laid out after three episodes. It was a "by the numbers" murder mystery. Which isn't to say it wasn't interesting, or even worse, predictable. But after years and years of the diminishing returns of genre reinventions, it was simply refreshing not to be f&*ked with. Artistically speaking.

"Oh, sorta like Blair Witch?" No. THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT, BETTER, THING ...EMILY.

I've always felt that there's nothing wrong with being formulaic, only that mediocre talent is more drawn to it. True Detective was formulaic as hell, so why is every TV critic going nuts over it? Because it's formula done so well, it feels original. It revels in archetypes instead of stock characters, freewheeling metaphysical monologues instead of gruff musings of what kind of hero the city needs, and lets the bitter reality of actual murder case conviction rates sink in. I'd love to expand on "real" convictions but I've already said way too much.

But really; the reason you're going to watch TD, and the reason it's going to hold up years from now, is because of Woody and Mathew. They're at the best I've ever seen them (and I saw The Dallas Buyers Club). They don't reinvent the noir detective wheel, but their combined screen presence and the staggering number of different ways they can make their faces look haggard is nothing less than hypnotizing. I'd always wondered if the best and brightest of film actors could hold up on a television series. Would it break ground in terms of excellence? Or would you just be sick to death of them? In TD's case, it's the latter. The both of them ran a marathon and finished first. I can't imagine myself saying the same of Nicholas Cage.

 Venturing outside the two of them, the record's a bit spottier. Michelle Monaghan is great in the role of a cop wife (see again, my thoughts on the noir wheel) but that doesn't mean she fits on the show. It's set in Louisiana and most of the actors try to have an accent. Rust is supposed to be from Texas/Alaska, so Mathew gets a pass on his drawl, but Monaghan can't crack it. It's not as if there aren't people in rural LS. without an accent, but it feels like scenes with her take place in a different show entirely. A damn good show, to be fair. The way she facially hides her smoldering anger away form her children is award worthy. But in terms of the mood and flow of the investigation half, Marty's home life just doesn't gel.

"What? Like none of your little friend's dads don't stagger around their houses with neat whiskey."

And in case you're wondering if the show passes the Bechdel test... no. Not even close. The women in TD (aside from the Q&A sit downs) can be filed neatly into virgin and whore categories. That isn't to say the show doesn't have some pretty thought provoking points to make about the virgin-whore dichotomy. But they're more of a self aware lampshade instead of a serious attempt at some kind of critique.

That aside, something that really stuck with me, and will probably stick with the next season (which will reboot like American Horror Story) is that the show's reality is a "flat circle." That time will repeat itself again and again. This isn't Rust being a loopy dorm room philosopher... well it isn't just that. It's the mantra for the show itself. That the killer's victims will be victims again, and that Rust will metaphorically chase after him and stop him only after it's to late. Again.

You know who has the time and money for a CGI owl almost no one will ever notice? I'll give you a hint, it's not TV...

The show revels in the nihilism that police can only stop murderers but not murder. That after all the pain and suffering that came from "Carcosa," simply solving the case and throwing the perp behind bars doesn't really change anything.

The reason this show is destined for greatness instead of another "life sucks and then you die" noir mystery, is that it tries so hard to find the meaning of life past all the violence and horror. Finding the "stars against the night" to borrow an image from the finale. That fact I took all this soapbox prattling at at face value is the best evidence I can provide of True Detective's conviction and competence. You will buy into this world, and even if some bits and pieces feel contrived at times, you will at least acknowledge what everyone else sees in it.

And you will burn to know who the Yellow King is just as badly. I promise you.

Bob's Burgers is moving...

...but it's not their fault.

I have gazed upon the stick of truth...

Meet Clyde "New Kid-Douchebag" Parrish.

... and I saw that it was good. More than good. Take a big sigh of relief guys, the year of re-tooling was totally worth it. Polygon gave it an 8.5, IGN a 90. They're saying it only lasts about 10-12 hours, which bums me out. But it's really hard to be mad at a game that lets me be Facebook friends with Officer Barbrady. I mean... when was the last time he was even on the show? It feels like years.

I'm barely an hour into it and already I've seen some pretty deep cuts from the South Park bag of inside jokes. I don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say that no other game in history has had this much fun with their sellable junk and Cartman's mom's room is just... perfect.

The combat itself is based off the Super Mario RPG style of rhythm based attacking and blocking, which I love. Both in the case of superstar saga and the stick of truth. It's surprisingly deep and I've already died once so far on Normal. That never happened to me in superstar, but then again, I don't think Nintendo would be on board with a protagonist everyone defautly calls "douchebag."So you know, you're not in Kansas anymore. You in Colorado, bitches!

So if you really wanted an interactive South Park, you probably already bought it. If you were on the fence? Get it. Just... get it. You get to hear what Cartman thinks of you if your black player character chooses the warrior class. That was worth money to me at least.

Why yes, this is the inside of Tom's Rhinoplasty. And no, I didn't know Stan's mom worked there either.

Dark Souls 2's PC release pokes through the clouds.

Update! April 25 is confirmed.

April 25. A good 6 weeks removed from the console date. Can't say I'm too thrilled about that, but maybe I should just be happy it's coming here at all. And they still beat the Amazon's place holder date by a month and then some.

But what's this? Namco still won't officially confirm this is the date!? I'm all for being thorough after the embarrassment of the last port. But I want a straight answer yesterday, whether it's what I want to hear or not. I won't wait forever for a version of Dark Souls 2 running at a silky smooth 60 frames... but I will wait a month or two.

Hannibal Season 2 is Nigh. So... very, VERY, nigh!!!

It's tonight at 10, eastern. I should be off work by then. I will MAKE myself off work by then, consarnit!

Bill Watterson's First Original Cartoon in over 19 Years.

See that? Gives me chills. I don't feel like I have to explain just how a big a deal this is for C&H fans and cartoon lovers alike. Watterson quit while he was ahead nearly two decades ago and never looked back. So not only did a documentary about the end of newspaper comics snag an interview, but he liked it so much he drew the damn poster!

It bears mentioning that the kickstarted film Dear Mr. Watterson, which did little else except talk about how great he is... which he is, couldn't even get a proverbial autograph. So this is a big deal even for the documentary crowd. It's own list of credits can't seem to believe it. But I do! I'm gonna camp out near my local indie theater with bells on... what's that? You're only screening in Southern California?

Well would you look at that? Bill Watterson found a way to break my heart a second time. But this time by proxy.

So Thief isn't... AMAZING, but I like it well enough.

So you've probably heard the Thief reboot is pretty mediocre, and it is. The mission design is narrow, it's attempt at an open world is more tedious than engrossing, and the fact there are only 8 main story heists feels pretty light. But I like it. The acting is solid, the animation fluid and professional, and grabbing all those shiny, shiny, letter openers doesn't get old. At least not yet. Hitman Absolution had turned me off twice as much as Thief has in 4 hours. I don't know why, but there it is. I'm pretty confidant I'm gonna finish it and possibly tool around with some custom difficulty options. Which, considering the lack of free time I have these days, is an endorsement in of itself.