Dark Souls 3 Review: We didn't start the fire.

Here we are, the end of an era. I can't believe we haven't just seen a new Souls game almost every year since 2011 but they've all been uniformly spectacular. From Software has pretty much pitched a no hitter for 5 years. That's insane. All good things must come to an end and Dark Souls 3, or better or worse, is at least a perfect way to end things.  They made a game so radically different and memorizing they have their own genre. "Souls" is a genre now, like it or not. But even the best ware thin after a while, even if From is responsible for almost every game.

While I loved DS3 it is regrettably one I have loved the least. It may be because this is the most straight forward of the series. You won't still be finding humongous secret areas even after your 4th play through; and a third of the bosses are just a touch too easy or derivative of whats come before. That being said, this series has been semi annual for 3 years now. That's some serious crunch. Dark Souls 3 is still a masterpiece, but it's a far more modest one than the first. Or even the second.

Livin' up to my full potential!

Because while I kept getting the sense From Software was running out of ideas, it was obvious they still had a bunch. The welcome cosmic-horror vacation in Bloodborne was a test. Could we speed up Dark Souls and still keep players hooked? Yes. Yes they could. DS3 is lighting fast and all the better for it. No more slow plodding strikes from the opening skeletons and zombies. Expect furious rush attacks that tear your guard down in seconds. If you decide to play as an unmovable object, you're gonna have your work cut out for you. But unlike Bloodborne you are no longer actively punished.

Don't know about you, but I want a Persian rug scarf and kilt.

The world of Lothric should be very familiar to veterans. Perhaps too familiar to those who played the first. Though the shout out to the oft forgotten 2 are plentiful, which is generous considering Miyazaki sat that one out. I always admired the otherworldly look to the "giants" and I'm glad he agreed with me.

When 3 is on it's ON. Three of the greatest bosses in the series are in this game. Two of my favorite video game enemies ever are in this game. When DS3 shines it blots out the sun, but repetitive environments, hastily re-used assets from Bloodborne, and a scant offering of secrets bring it low.

This is the perfect time to end it. DS3 won me over in the end, but just barely. There's only so much one studio can do to define a genre. They have thankfully put this franchise on the shelf and are dutifully passing the torch. And it's fitful it's the Souls series that manages to go out on it's own diabolically uncompromising terms. In the annuls of gaming history they will all live on in rapturous infamy.

I should probably see Civil War or something...

Seems like everyone else in the world already has. Burn on you BVS. Burn on you.

I kinda like Battleborn. No wait... I really like Battleborn.

 

But I'm a special case. The only online multi-player anything I've ever really sunk any time into was  Mass Effect 3. So... if that helped you lick your narrative scarred wounds like me I think you'll really dig Battleborn.

Folks are giving it a half-hearted thumbs down and I can't blame anyone for feeling that way. I've got a really specific taste. This is a game that's as easy or hard as you wanna make it. Are you looking to waste some time till you sober up enough to go to bed (not autobiographical at all), then there's a character for you!

He punches stuff, racks up a combo, then punches stuff harder. He's perfect.

You can seriously have a great time just healing tanks and setting up defenses as I discovered trying to hunt a non aggression achievement. Turns out I read it wrong and didn't have to avoid doing any damage, but there's a lot to do if you just hate shooters... that's kind of amazing. But I was still leaning towards the 7.5 to 6 the critics were telling me about. Then I found my favorite character:

She's the frikkin' best. She can buff friendly shields, steal enemy shields, she can get head shots like it's nothing... there's a wrist mounted shotgun laser, oh! and the glowing eye patch. Love that thing. I could see myself spending at least another 15 hours with the game just with her healer/rogue hybrid awesomeness. After my first match it felt like Gearbox had made a character just for me. I love headshots, de-buffs, and healin'.  If I find just one more character like her that's worth $40 to me right there.

But again guys, I haven't played a multiplayer game in years. Take my enthusiasm with a grain of salt if that's your wheel house.

I need to talk about Gearbox.

I've never gotten into mobas or even any multiplayer shooters and I've always wanted to break out of my single player shell but I'll be damned if ANY multiplayer games really appeal to me. Gearbox may turn me around, even though I hardly ever played Borderlands co op.

So I am going to pick up Battleborn. Maybe this'll be something I can really sink into, or I end up helping BL3 off the ground. Either situation works out for me.

I just trust these guys, wait dammit, hear me out! So what if Randy Pitchford is a bit of a snake oil salesman? He made Borderlands, that carries a lot of weight for me as BL2 is in my top 3 of all time. I honestly don't care he siphoned funds off of colonial marines to pay for it. He gamed the system to make a great game. The Alien license would be fine, in fact, we never would have gotten Isolation if CM hadn't bombed so hard. Think about it.

And hey, we all seem to forget that Drukmann pushed Amy Henning out of Naughty Dog because he didn't want another strong creative voice drawing focus. I just pulled that out of my ass but that story has the air of a creative spat that put a hard working female voice out of an industry starved for it. Her work on Uncharted 4, 8 f**king months worth, couldn't have been that bad. But Naughty Dog makes great games... so we forgive and forget. I lean toward the guy who (allegedly) stole money from a huge corporation then the guy who was threatened by a woman.

I'm not saying Pitchford isn't a snake oil salesman. But I'm also saying he's an easy target who does give a damn about games. Only his games... but his games are fun, inclusive, and rich. As far as industry evils go I'd say he's one of the lesser.

Victory achieved +2

And the Lord of Cinder goes down for the second time. Woo! I beat a souls game on plus! Does this mean that 3 really is the easiest in the series?  ...Probably. Oh well.

GLOWSTICK DANCE!!!!!

You have no idea how long I've waited for the perfect time to use this gif.

I haven't laughed this hard in years.

Larry Wilmore killed in the toughest room in the world the other night. He gave a set like it was the last thing anyone would ever get to say about the President. By Christ he made it count.

Muffaletta Story.

 Just picked up a muffaletta  and on the bag the lady wrote "Muff." While that sure is what I wish I was having for dinner... this'll do.



This'll do.