Tales from the Borderlands is off the market

"What's that sign say?"  "Dunno, something about anime."- Tales from the Borderlands

I have played the borderlands series for an absolutely disgusting amount of time, even before the 6 months I spent recovering from abdominal surgery. I love these games and appreciate their consistency in keeping up with their own lore. I mean, it looks like they've retconned the pre-sequel's end with their new DLC and that would bother me if it wasn't the only time in 10 years they've course corrected.

Instead "Lilith's fight for sanctuary" leans hard into two characters from Tales, welcoming them warmly into RPG side of the franchise. For everyone that got on board when critics were calling Tales the best borderlands game ever made, this is nice. For anyone who was into Borderlands 2 and checked out for 7 years... I got some bad news. As of June 13th Tell Tale game's bankruptcy really starts to sting because their best work is no longer available online. You could find a physical copy on ebay but that's absurd.

Could you just watch it all on youtube? That's a cynical way to look at interactive narratives but yeah, that's about 70% of the experience. This deserves to be played. I bet a ton of old fans will want to know how and when scooter died and there will be barely any legal means to find out. I hope this is just temporary. THQ nordic or something will snatch up the rights and put it back on the Internet. I hope that happens before BL3 launches because a lot more people should have played this in the first place.

Do it for Gortys.

Pillars 2 Deadfire Review: Melancholy Green Giant.

Fallout: New Vegas was the first video game consistently well written enough for me to appreciate like a good book. Every little nook and cranny told a story and it's still the best game I ever played. I've never forgotten that feeling of playing a game that both respects my intelligence while challenging my moral compass. Mostly because scant few since 2010 have even come close. To say that Deadfire is as good as Obsidian's apocalyptic western opus is pushing it... but its not pushing it far.

As someone who bounced hard off of the first pillars not once but 4 times, it took a lot of convincing to get me to think this would be any different. I'm pathologically allergic to crpgs and needed way more hand holding through the active combat than that game was willing to give. I'd blink and half my party would be dead. It wasn't a good time. But then came Deadfire's turn based mode which was so good my old roommate wouldn't let me look away. It was the purest distillation of dungeons and dragons into a single player experience to him. He said not only would I love it but I might give D&D another glance in the bargain. I don't know about that last part, but he was dead right about Pillars 2.

Now no character on the battlefield moves until I tell them what to do. There are no nasty surprises and if someone gets hit by a cheap shot I know exactly where it came from. That's all I needed to get into it, just a broad knowledge of which skills work and which don't. Pretty soon, 20-30 minute encounters breezed by on the strength of its mechanics. I'm told Original Sin 2 blows it out of the water but I had a damn good time all the same.

Every ship in the deadfire has their own flag. "Had" in the case of these.

Now that the game's dense lore has a chance to breathe and change things up the series comes alive. By trading the bog standard Tolkien fantasy setting for a pirate-y archipelago, pillars starts to really say something. Not that the last game's big reveal over how all the gods were just formally human rich pricks wasn't a bad turn... it just took 20 hours for that to be interesting. Pillars 2 takes that premise and wonders what those gods would do if they had to bargain with a pirate to kill one of their own.

That would be you. Only if you wanted to be a pirate, anyway. I decided to be the exact opposite of my usual taste and rolled a stoic, true believer, monk. If any developer was going to take this do gooder and put him through the politically grey ringer, it was Obsidian. I wasn't disappointed. The pirate factions weren't a fan of how unprofitable my charitable nature was and that locked me out of a ton of negotiation potential. Many a time I would have been able to flash a captain's seal and side step unnecessary violence.

This chart knows exactly how many times you've been a dick for no reason.

But I also understood them better than they did themselves. With high enough insight I was able to curb the wrath of politicians, pirates, and trading companies alike. You want bloody economics and colonialism with your high fantasy fare? That's a trick question. This is the second best branching narrative I've ever played. Its so good I can almost forgive the ending. It yadda yadda's over the final dungeon, describing it in excruciatingly intricate detail, only to dump you out in front of... well... the end. It's a total wet fart of a finale even if it involves a decent debate on whether humanity needs gods or an afterlife. I should have been more disappointed in it but the journey there was so interesting and poignant I didn't care. As much. They totally ran out of money, though.

This is a book as much as it is a game. Most of the time you will read about what's happening rather than see it. That's the most d&d thing about it. You'll play text adventure mini games about crossing rocky ravines or sneaking past lizard men. In the latter case the rogue in my party was able to gain the lizard's trust by doing fancy coin tricks. They ended up giving me food instead of killing us. You can finesse your way out of some truly stunning stuff including most major boss battles. I wanted to fight a krakken on my first run only to realize I'd already talked myself out of it.

This is how the game talks. If you can get into it... there's some pretty sick pithy burns in it for you.

Navel combat itself is a bit of a text adventure but it's commendable how much fun they can squeeze out of what is essentially just radar and text prompts. Your first couple bouts will end in failure but you'll soon be jibing with the best of them. You'll spend a decent amount of time sailing with your crew which brings me to my favorite inventory management thingy ever: feeding your crew.

The better food and drink you feed your crew, the more morale they gain. The more morale they have the more exp they get per ship encounter. But morale is expensive and maintaining the high 80's is harder than it seems; because rum in bulk is not something you can easily afford but better food isn't. Basically as long as you've got a ton of yummy +1 food with water (-1 morale) you'll be set. The single best loot drop for me personally, more than any weapon, was a +10 cake. My crew had just been through the sh*t and they really needed the break from watered down ale. Sailing is so engaging I didn't mind the lack of fast travel. I'll let you figure out why for yourself, there's a lot more to do than just raiding ships.

Who wants some evocative ass imagery?! Seriously, you're going to have to love it if you're going to finish this game.

Greed, politics, colonialism, warring gods, and the tragic impossibility of peace in the face of all of that is why you need to play this game. If you've ever prized story telling in your games, if you ever had a passing affair with the mid 90's crpg boom, and if you're a sucker for a good cast of bickering party members you need to play this game. It might teach you something about your politics that you didn't know. Long story short, their east India company equivalent made one too many good points for their survival over the opulent and internally racist native Queen. It really got to me. Which is Obsidian at their very best.

Deadwood Review: Hello. Goodbye.

There were two things that jumped out at me on my Deadwood re-watch ahead of its miracle of a finale. One, I can see how the cursing turned my dad off it. I had got him the box set for Christmas years ago and well... he handed it back after the 14th c**ksucker. Which is to say around episode 3. The script did come off as network tv writers who were a bit too giddy to say bad words as often as they liked. But 2? This is motherf**king Shakespeare.

Even the most "simple" characters in Deadwood get flowing and revealing soliloquies that make it like nothing else that's ever aired on TV. Before I knew it, I blew through every episode and now I got to see how it all ended. I almost didn't want to. Deadwood was an intimate soap opera. Most of the show was about checking in on peoples lives. How do you "end" that without killing everybody?

The answer is by playing off it's biggest bad: George Hearst. He's the primordial stage of the corporate agenda. He's perfectly affable as long as he gets everything he wants. Maybe he didn't cut off saloon owner's fingers himself... but dollars to donuts the real Hearst ordered much worse. In the show's final act Hearst is one plot of land away from setting up telephone polls in Deadwood. Standing in his way is Charlie Utter. I have no problems spoiling the film because, heck, if you cared about those you had a decade and a half to do something about it.

Utter can't stand up to Hearst's grinning barbarism and it isn't long before a couple men show up to execute the 73 year old coot. After which the town is a bit disgruntled. As they should be. Hearst pulls the same tired lines every powerful man says after getting caught red handed. In other words "civil justice for me but not for thee."

This culminates in a lynching of Hearst that I enjoyed a bit too much. The way its shot, the way the horror music chimes in, the tenor is there is no such thing as a heroic mob. As much as deadwood reveled in its lawlessness, it saved it's harshest criticisms for the mob. As fun as it was to see this murdering old bastard to get whats coming to him it poses a sobering question. Why not be better than him? Why not beat him at his crooked game instead of punching him in the mud?

In either case, the frontier wins and Hearst goes back to California, tail between his legs. That's pretty much it for conflict which is maybe only a quarter of the 2 hour run time. The rest is spent reminding you how much you love these characters, the ones still with us anyway. Jonie and Jane get a delightful mid life crisis romance, Sol and Trixie get hitched, and Al's dying. I'm still convinced Ian Mcshane passing a kidney stone is the single best example of agony in acting history. All the fans needed to see was his soiled bed sheets to get it. He was always a softie when his reputation wasn't on the line and while his end doesn't redeem the bastard, its as happy as he deserved. Bottom line, he does right by Trixie.

It was a good story and I'm glad it got to end but there was barely any c**k suckin' Al Swarengen in it! Still though... Hoopleheads did somethin' right fur'a change. There's enough "oh sh*t he came back?!" moments to cover up any major criticisms. Basically, if that cast member is still alive there's a 90% he or she is in this. They saved a handful for the last minute just to needle you. Even one of the dead ones.

It's just a bit sad to leave them all forever now. Which means they did a great job.

Chernobyl Review: You didn't see anything.

When writers I like on twitter all start talking about a show at the same time with the same tenor of "holysh*twatchthis* enthusiasm I usually balk. I've been burned many a time, often by HBO itself. I still can't believe I made it all the way through The Brink. But a reunion between Terror alums Jared Harris and that show's magnificent mutineer Adam Nagaitis meant I wasn't going to stay away forever. Even though I missed the first month I'm still kicking myself for not being there day one. I was expecting a boardroom drama about corrupt party officials unfairly punishing workers who did everything they could to keep a death trap of a reactor running decades after it should have been shut down.

The seeds of all that have been planted but that's not what the first episode is. It is a sci fi body horror masterpiece. There is a humongous beam of sunlight blasting skyward from a smoking crater and everyone in a 5 mile radius is going to die. Anyone who dares say the core is "gone" is labeled hysterical and rushed out of the room. Everything is fine. They did "everything right." They just need to pull down the control rods and keep pumping water. But the core exploded. It's gone and nobody is mentally prepared for what that means. The plant director can't even attempt to reassure the board without vomiting. His replacement is sent to survey the damage, nothing more than a fire, he's told. He returns 15 minutes later with a full body sunburn.

This sh*t is terrifying. I had every intention to watch for 20 minutes to get the gist and finish the rest over breakfast. I couldn't shut it off. Folks just started bleeding through their clothes and somehow I found the energy to keep watching.

But seriously, America needs to talk about Russia. About how sh*tty politicians can make a horrible situation dire through suppression and spin. If the government lies to you about the little things they will lie to you about the life threatening things. You've got to wonder if this current administration would hobble an evacuation to avoid a bad news cycle.

I didn't get much sleep after all.

Roommate Update:

Panchito could have been a lot of different birds. He could have just eaten my food while tolerating my presence. He is instead a relentless beam of sunshine. He has his fits but it’s hard to stay mad at something that wants to stay on your shoulder and preen your beard all day so badly. Everyone needs someone in their life that appreciates a sunrise as much as he does.

Get caught in the Rain

Risk of Rain hit a soft spot of mine back in 2013. One of those games you'll never beat but you still have fun seeing how far you can get each time. It captured that arcade feel without eating any of quarters. But I did actually beat it. Once. I swear.

Risk of Rain 2 was announced a few years ago and while I admired the jump to 3d I had my doubts it could somehow be more fun and not bewildering getting devoured on all sides by 30 monsters at once. Then BAM, it showed up in early access this week and then POOF my wallet was $20 lighter. I ate those first impressions last afternoon. 2 hours went by in a flash. It's just shootin' and lootin' in a gorgeous minimalist cell shaded zen garden of death. Shout out to the animation as well, it's all terrific. This sits along side darkest dungeon as an early access game that's meaty enough to stand on it's own. Co op or solo this ain't sitting on top of steam for no reason.

Sick of shooting? Play as Virgil from DMC3 instead.

Boundary Break: Simpsons Hit and Run.

Boundary Break is a fun little youtube series where games are freed from their camera perspectives and you get to see how the proverbial sausage gets made. Yesterday he did a video on Simpsons hit and run and I was all "Oh... YEAH! That was damn good game." So now I get to talk about that!

There was a time in my mid teens where I had no taste and would still routinely fall for licensed cash ins. This was a double edged sword as there were some real gems in the bargain basement. Hype, a medieval play mobile game with way more going on with it's story than it ever deserved, is still the most affecting time travel story I've seen in a video game. For real. You meet your Merlin equivalent when he's still an apprentice and keep checking in on him as you try to get back to the future. He's dead in your time and his scene in old age lamenting not being able to help you when you need it most was damn good stuff.

But there were loads of let downs and they all stung. I wasn't made of money at 12 and neither was I  blown away with the Simpsons crazy taxi game, but Simpsons GTA seemed like a good time. It was. The Simpsons hit and run is unequivocally the best Simpsons game. As dubious an honor as that is. All the actors are doing their best and there are some legitimately good lines that hold up. Sure, they used the same 3 free roaming areas at least 2 times each. But it all ends in a Halloween special makeover so loving it made the entire journey worth it. I have no idea where to find this thing. GOG? Nope, looks like ebay for a pc copy is your best bet. Only Simpsons diehards need apply if you've missed the nostalgia boat. Anywho, here's boundary break: