Arkham Knight won't be patched until... oh, Jesus H.

A leaked memo just confirmed a worry I had. That the earliest I can expect AK to run properly is September. Or November!

"As previously advised, we have stopped sales of Batman: Arkham Knight PC while Warner and Rocksteady work on addressing performance issues with the game," it reads. "The latest information from Warner is that the updates won’t be available until Spring. Due to this we have made the difficult decision to recall all PC stock from stores to return to the vendor until an acceptable solution is released.”

They're talking about the Australian spring... so September.

2- 5 more months. Stupendous.

4 episodes deep and True Detective is still spinning it's wheels.

I'm sorry buddy. We can't ALL have a mcconaissance.

While still managing to be hypnotically watchable and showcasing Taylor Kitsch's best performance yet, this season's essentially a bust. We've barely covered enough intrigue to fill a feature film and the scant clues we have don't connect in any tantalizing ways.

When every suspect is a scum bag capable of anything the audience doesn't care when it's over. You're not spinning a mystery, you're playing duck, duck, goose. That shootout was pretty great, though. Too bad there's no one left to question.

That new job smell.

After floating around manual labor and restaurant jobs these last 4 years I've finally nailed down an, honest to god, DESK JOB. Finally I can put on a tie for work... I was becoming concerned that would never happen. It's only a 15 hour a week part timer but my long starved resume will never be the same. These are the first tentative steps to a full time job with benefits.

And at long last I can pay for health insurance!

I don't normally buy collectable figurines...

But when I do... they come from the Borderlands.

I just spent almost $40 on Borderlands figurines... I don't know why it happened. Wait, yes I do. I love those fuggin' games. Gimme enough coffee, podcasts, or old college buds and I could play BL2 or the Pre-sequel forever. Now I'll have tangible artifacts of all the good ol' gin soaked times I've had in there.

Yeah!

WUB!

Darkest Dungeon gets deeper on the 15.

Double D is a harsh mistress that won't let you forget her. It's a trial of nerves and heartless strategy. Managing to be both cruel yet voraciously addicting. Like playing black jack under a swinging pendulum. I actually agonized over what the right gambling metaphor for it would be. It's not poker because chance factors too heavily. It's not slots because you have a ton of ways to haul your bleeding viscera out of a bad situation.

It's already a great game, but it's several updates away from being finished, I mean... there better be at least a couple more dungeon templates cooking. Either way, we get a new hero with what looks to be a scruffy wolfhound in tow. Great! I'm gonna watch that dog die. So many times.

"It's all your fault! You let this happen!!!!"

The Zombie Simpsons: Everything you wanted to know about it's slow and painful death but were afraid to ask.

Harry Shearer is officially back on the Simpsons. Yay, Nay, or meh? The guy's done the same job for 25 years and wants out. He's 71 and has more money than god so I'm a little sad they wrangled him back. The poor guy. Though he never has to walk into the studio again, so that's a pretty baller move.

But it was in the comment section of the Birth.Movies.Death article that I stumbled upon a self published chronicle of how that show's spirit slowly became amantiago-ed. I probably shouldn't have tried to verb that, but seriously:

"Charlie Sweatpant's" manifesto is a spectacular read. 

It keeps it's editorial voice to a minimum* and acts mostly like an investigation piece, citing dwindling amazon reviews, and old writers talking out of school. You know what the answers are going in, Matt Groening lost interest, the great writers drifted away, the mediocre links in the chain achieved seniority, then... darkness.

But it's nice someone took the time to set the record straight. I just realized I lost 3 of the 4 disks of season four that I've had since middle school and it's breaking my heart.


*I'm further in and it's now very much an editorial. Still a dead on critique, though.

18 whole minutes of No Man's Sky!

Every once in a while a game comes along that promises the moon. This one promises the universe. A game so big your entire life isn't remotely enough to see it all. I want to believe in it so hard. A polygonal minecraft with laser guns and spaceships and jet packs and aliens and black monolithic robots... I'll let the game's creator take it from here. Clearly I need to lie down.