So the Peanuts teaser is out, and I hope you're ready for hair swirls in HD!

I grew up with Peanuts, but that doesn't mean I'm all that in love with Peanuts. My funnies allegiance lies squarely at the feet of a strangely articulate 9 year old and his tiger companion. But just because I'm not a fan, doesn't mean I don't understand/respect the hell out of Schultz's work. Proving you can say just about anything if you put it in the mouths of children, slipping themes of futility and depression in the newspapers of millions of homes for over 50 years is the kind of thing than can seduce me into saluting.

And don't even get me started on his elegant criticism of modern psychology. I'm not being sarcastic.

So now BlueSky (The Ice Age guys who have made a profitable career out of being perfectly mediocre except for that bunny short) has the reigns of what I assume is the Peanut Gang's first theatrical feature. And you know what? I don't hate it. The first thing I saw was a picture of Charlie and Snoopy hugging... and smiling. That's not the two I knew from either the comic or cartoons. That's the Charlie and Snoopy from those goddamned Metlife commercials.Where's Snoopies cool indifference? Where's Charlies ennui? 

But that's not what the trailer is about, it's just snoopy buzzing around charlie and ticking him off. Better. MUCH better. Yet still not a sign of anything in either direction of quality story telling. But I like the compromise of making CGI look and move like the old specials. It remains to be seen if they'll talk and feel like the specials too.

Call me crazy, but I'm not holding my breath for another monologue from Linus about the plight of Tolstoy's wife copying War and Peace by hand in failing candle light. Seriously.  Ctrl-F Tolstoy on that sucker. I'll wait.

So I'm cautiously optimistic. It could seriously roll up it's sleeves and deal honestly with childhood depression. That would break down Pixar's door for sure and they could use some healthier competition these days.

Thief Review: Lost in the Shadows

Going in, I really wanted to like Thief. I hadn't grown up on Garret's un-booted adventures in the 90's, and I had been absolutely starved for something to come along and give my next gen worthy EVGA 780 a workout. I had seen the critical writing on the wall and I didn't care. The textures looked gorgeous, the story seemed decent, and the animation so fluid it almost made me thirsty.

And you know what? For fits and starts Thief really lived up to it's potential. But (and there's going to be a lot of buts in this article) the whole experience left a sad, sour, taste in my mouth. Thief is a game that seems to have been reworked over and over and over again. Plot points are heavily telegraphed (like the mannequins) and yet have nothing to do with the story... ever.  Some levels have several tactics and methods open to you, while most barely have two. It seems like Thief is at least four different games that intersect and overlap near constantly, so why does it feel like the whole affair is only 3/4s complete?    

But I'm getting ahead of myself, I don't finish a 12 hour game if there's nothing interesting going on. And thankfully Thief's worst aspects don't show themselves until about halfway through. Stealing everything that isn't nailed down, and being constantly graded not just for achieving special in-mission objectives (put out all lights, don't knock out any guards, etc.) but how you play in general, makes Thief surprisingly addictive at first.

Seriously, the animation is glorious.

Every chapter is dripping with secrets and loot to grab, and while most critics thought the normal mode was too generous with it's cash flow, I thought it was just right. I even replayed the first few chapters over again to get a better score and shinier loot, even still, I was miles away from mastering perfect runs.

It's only when I reached beyond chapter 6 did things start to turn to ash in my mouth. The level design sags, and the plot becomes muddled and unconvincing. Repeating a hanging scene, only this time with peasants hanging guards, does not a compelling rebellion make. The game play does not change in the slightest when you have to deal with civilian mobs instead of coppers.

And there are some spec-tacularly creepy oil paintings to find. For whatever that's worth to you.

The spirit of the game deflates, like a giant parade balloon, slowly but inevitably. It was by the final cut scene when the whole thing sank around my face. After that, it all started to make sense. You hear about the wretched conditions of AAA development; but rarely do the horror stories of Team Bondi's three year crunch cycle, or Trendy Entertainment's creepy man child director seem to sink into the game itself.

Thief began to feel like a cry for help. As if it figured out it wasn't going to be a worthy successor halfway through and began to beg for death. The last cut scene is so bizzare and anti-climatic, it's like a metaphor for a dev team throwing down their tools and walking out. Which was honestly a shame, because the last boss fight? It was a pretty great stealth based finale.

So no, I did not like the overall feel of Thief and you should probably wait for a steep discount if you are any where near curious. That being said, all lot of things do work. The missions in which you find curios for a traveling freak show are all head and shoulders above most of the main chapters. And I found the acting to be pretty damn professional overall. I didn't run across any major bugs, just some audio splicing, and the whole thing was maxed out at a solid 60 fps. At the very least it was good to know AC IV was an isolated incident. That thing just ran like garbage. 

So Thief didn't manage to steal my heart... just my attention for a while.

Hannibal's viewership is growing

 

Which is great, because you will not find better body horror anywhere else. Seriously, the first 3 episodes this season alone have some of the most spectacularly grotesque corpse displays I have ever seen. 

Sure it's pulpy and sure it takes place in a world where every tenth person is an drastically different serial killer. But that doesn't mean it isn't gorgeously photographed and decently acted. So here, watch this promo, I'm going to bed.

Source.

It's like I never left.

Those turtle dudes ain't so tough. What's From gonna do? Throw 4 or 5 of them at me at onc- OH DEAR GOD, WHY !?

I'm absolutely satisfied with everything I've seen Dark Souls 2 doing so far. The atmosphere and enemy design is as scrumptious and eerie as ever. Never going for the easy blood/gore horror, strictly necrosis and eldritch stuff. I can see nothing has changed for the worse.

Well... the whole "loose 5% of your health every time you die which can only be reversed by an item so rare and expensive it's only helpful to people who have memorized the damn wiki" thing is starting to bug me. But it's probably a balance measure to let them pull off my absolute favorite thing about the sequel so far.

The fact that enemies will die for good! ...Eventually!

 Killed all those annoying grunts on the way to that boss that keeps swatting you away like so many hollow mayflies more than 10 times? Well after that, they're gone. I've often thought the worst thing about Dark Souls isn't it's crushing demand for all your attention and concentration at all times, it's the monotony. The 10 kill mark is the perfect time for a grunt to bow out, because it was never feasible to level grind anyway. And I was getting really sick of some of those zombie/knight's faces.

Anywho, I'm off to to let Puffy-McCfloaterson kill me again. See you tomorrow!

Thanks Kotaku! ...One of these days Puffy. One of these days.

Dark Souls 2 is so hard...

You died.

It broke my damn controller. I was all over the place today trying to figure out why my DS character would go into uncontrollable seizures whenever more than one enemy was trying to kill him. "Your controller's broken, dumbass" was the subtext to Namco's silence in response to my tweet for help. And that was my first thought too.

But I popped in The Last of Us, ran through the power plant fight without a hitch, re-installed DS 2, realized that didn't change a thing, wiped a solitary tear of defeat from my cheek, and slinked back to Best Buy for an exchange. They were sold out. Good news for Namco, bad news for my wallet. Though since nobody else in town seemed to have one either, they offered me a cash refund. Best Buy did that, I sh*t thee not. No double store credit for this guy!

And if this were say... Thief, I'd have taken the money and ran. But this is Dark Souls, and I can't say no to it, because we never set up a safe word. So after a little more experimenting, I noticed I was getting the same problem in the PS3 menu now. Great! It was just breaking slowly! All I needed was a replacement. So after $120 I can let DS 2 metaphorically shove my face into a belt sander in peace.

And you know what the saddest part of this is? I'm getting the Steam version the second it hits the net. I'm seriously not this sh**ty with money, like, 99.6% of the time. Honest.

True Detective Season 1 Review: No Mask? No Mask!

When a show comes down the pike staring the kind of actors that TD had, it's easy to let expectations get the better of you. I can't say I was staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for it to premiere. But come on, Woody Harrelson and Mathew Mcconaughey as antagonistic homicide partners? There was no way in hell I wasn't going to watch it all, whether I liked it or not. And I can safely say after the first hour I was definitely staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for the next chapter of True Detective.

This was the best police procedural I've seen in a decade, maybe ever. Not just for what it did; reversing the buddy cop dynamic, heavily referencing 19th century horror stories, and having one of the all time greatest extended shots put to screen. But I'm more impressed about what TD didn't do. The central killer isn't some insidious mastermind toying with Rust and Marty, there is no humongous plot twist that changes everything you thought was true about the case, and everything you really need to know is laid out after three episodes. It was a "by the numbers" murder mystery. Which isn't to say it wasn't interesting, or even worse, predictable. But after years and years of the diminishing returns of genre reinventions, it was simply refreshing not to be f&*ked with. Artistically speaking.

"Oh, sorta like Blair Witch?" No. THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT, BETTER, THING ...EMILY.

I've always felt that there's nothing wrong with being formulaic, only that mediocre talent is more drawn to it. True Detective was formulaic as hell, so why is every TV critic going nuts over it? Because it's formula done so well, it feels original. It revels in archetypes instead of stock characters, freewheeling metaphysical monologues instead of gruff musings of what kind of hero the city needs, and lets the bitter reality of actual murder case conviction rates sink in. I'd love to expand on "real" convictions but I've already said way too much.

But really; the reason you're going to watch TD, and the reason it's going to hold up years from now, is because of Woody and Mathew. They're at the best I've ever seen them (and I saw The Dallas Buyers Club). They don't reinvent the noir detective wheel, but their combined screen presence and the staggering number of different ways they can make their faces look haggard is nothing less than hypnotizing. I'd always wondered if the best and brightest of film actors could hold up on a television series. Would it break ground in terms of excellence? Or would you just be sick to death of them? In TD's case, it's the latter. The both of them ran a marathon and finished first. I can't imagine myself saying the same of Nicholas Cage.

 Venturing outside the two of them, the record's a bit spottier. Michelle Monaghan is great in the role of a cop wife (see again, my thoughts on the noir wheel) but that doesn't mean she fits on the show. It's set in Louisiana and most of the actors try to have an accent. Rust is supposed to be from Texas/Alaska, so Mathew gets a pass on his drawl, but Monaghan can't crack it. It's not as if there aren't people in rural LS. without an accent, but it feels like scenes with her take place in a different show entirely. A damn good show, to be fair. The way she facially hides her smoldering anger away form her children is award worthy. But in terms of the mood and flow of the investigation half, Marty's home life just doesn't gel.

"What? Like none of your little friend's dads don't stagger around their houses with neat whiskey."

And in case you're wondering if the show passes the Bechdel test... no. Not even close. The women in TD (aside from the Q&A sit downs) can be filed neatly into virgin and whore categories. That isn't to say the show doesn't have some pretty thought provoking points to make about the virgin-whore dichotomy. But they're more of a self aware lampshade instead of a serious attempt at some kind of critique.

That aside, something that really stuck with me, and will probably stick with the next season (which will reboot like American Horror Story) is that the show's reality is a "flat circle." That time will repeat itself again and again. This isn't Rust being a loopy dorm room philosopher... well it isn't just that. It's the mantra for the show itself. That the killer's victims will be victims again, and that Rust will metaphorically chase after him and stop him only after it's to late. Again.

You know who has the time and money for a CGI owl almost no one will ever notice? I'll give you a hint, it's not TV...

The show revels in the nihilism that police can only stop murderers but not murder. That after all the pain and suffering that came from "Carcosa," simply solving the case and throwing the perp behind bars doesn't really change anything.

The reason this show is destined for greatness instead of another "life sucks and then you die" noir mystery, is that it tries so hard to find the meaning of life past all the violence and horror. Finding the "stars against the night" to borrow an image from the finale. That fact I took all this soapbox prattling at at face value is the best evidence I can provide of True Detective's conviction and competence. You will buy into this world, and even if some bits and pieces feel contrived at times, you will at least acknowledge what everyone else sees in it.

And you will burn to know who the Yellow King is just as badly. I promise you.

Bob's Burgers is moving...

...but it's not their fault.