So it's come to this: A Simpsons Theme Park.

The last episode of the Simpsons I saw was in 2009. I owned seasons 2-8 and loved them all, but I couldn't bear to see what had happened some 10 years later. I literally grew up with the Simpsons, sneaking it at friend's houses as my parents were kinda-sorta "media crusading" against it. They're better now.

I vaulted it as the height of comedy while barely understanding why it was funny. And it turns out I wasn't wrong. The Simpsons started a golden age of comedy, not just for animation, but also single camera shows that might as well have been animated. Like Community and to a lesser extent, Scrubs.

It's fitting that now that Harry Shearer, literally half the voices on that show, has left the show that the new theme park has opened. That's a death kneel and I can't imagine them soldering on too much longer without Mr. Burns, Flanders, Principle Skinner, or any other of the hundreds of characters that now have to unceremoniously disappear. He's also 70. That may have something to do with it.

So this is the end. Why not go out with a bang? With a museum of highlights that will physically remain long after that future solar flare stops all electrical current on this planet forever! I am not anti-Simpsons theme park. Far from it. Will I ever go back to Universal Studios? Probably not. Though it is nice to know that in the eyes of executives TV properties have all the same rights and opportunities as film.

In a Simpsons theme park that has a DMV, somebody's heart somewhere, is in the right place.

You thought I was kidding? McCracken doesn't kid about the DMV.

Marvel's Phase 4 has been leaked. I don't think you're ready for it.

Let your face be melted off by an awesomesauce whose PH balance is off the scale! The PH scale! This awesomesauce is so caustic you guys!!!

Crackpot Theory: Fallout 4 is going to be bitterly dissapointing... maybe. God, I hope I'm full of it.

"Just because I love you don't mean I won't put you down."

It's been... let's see, 6 months since the internet last riled me up with another fake scoop on Fallout 4. A game I've waited on for so long I honestly don't care half as much as I did 2 years ago. A time that, fate willing, they would have had more than enough room to produce a solid sequel. But it's been nearly 5 years since New Vegas. Even if production started when Skyrim's DLC ended we should have heard something, ANYTHING, other than dead silence.

Now a super secret, but totally trustworthy, source found by a German PC gaming site claims that Bethesda's first ever E3 conference will hold a behind closed doors demonstration for critics. Of Fallout 4. Sure. Why not? I honestly don't care anymore.

But you see, I'm worried. Some games take too long and more often than not, it's because a lot went wrong. I'm willing to bet ya' that there's been dozens of prototypes of Half Life 3 that all fell short and Valve is too embarrassed to admit it. Or maybe, and this is my more hopeful reason, is that Elder Scrolls online forced the suit's hand and made sure they weren't contributing to any hype that wasn't for that game's now evaporated potential.

Or they aren't happy with it. If that closed door meeting turns out to be the case, they really aren't happy with it. Also, the Obsidian crew has almost nothing to do with it, which also bums me out. Why you'd wind up having Chris Avellone not write a Fallout game is just blithering madness to me. So my loins are girded. I pray I'm dead wrong and this is all because of overactive corporate paranoia.

We want to love you F4, why can't you just poke your head out the window? What the hell is going on?

Can we talk about Endless Legend for a second?

Every single piece of static art is this game is just.... auggghhhhhhhhhhh.

I've checked and only about 1500 on steam are playing it at any given time. This cannot stand! This was Rock Paper Shotgun's PC game of '14 for seat's pake! Pete's sake, sorry, I'm a bit flustered. You see, I've seen Endless Legend through early access over a year ago. I'm pretty invested. It's so much more than a high fantasy strategy game. Well, it's exactly that. But it's such a refreshingly original high fantasy.

They really took thier time to make those moldy old mainstays at least slightly more unique. Elves are isolationist tree/human hybrids, dragons are an organized civilization dedicated to world peace, centaurs all have delightful potbellies, and the infamous "one city challenge" from Civilization is recreated here with a specific civ with a eerie back story. You're a doomsday cult that spreads influence instead of borders. You play as these creepy-ass clockwork mannikins... I've said too much. The cultists are a trip, man.

I've never actually formally reviewed that game, but with their "giants" expansion just hitting Steam I can no longer contain my rage. I'll do what I can to keep Amplitude studio's candle from blowing out. Maybe my 8 bounces a day will do something... in some way.    

Guess what?

With 2 incremental upgrades over 2 years totaling $1400 (not proud) I finally have what I can safely say is my favorite PC rig ever. And my 2006-20011 rig was no slouch. After maxing out GTA V with momentary dips below 45 FPS I can say for certain that all future problems now lie with the game's optimization alone.

Wheeeeeeeeeee! You know that draw distance is maxed out and you'd better believe the crowd variety is too!! I uh, I should go outside now...

I now know I can tackle the beast on the horizon with style. As you all know... Witcher is coming.

The crackpot is down.

Or rather, the computer I use to maintain it is. Be back Tuesday or Wednesday!

Ex Machina Review: Hall of the Mountain King

This movie is brilliant. It's Black Mirror with a bigger budget. Learning more about it would only ruin the surprise. It's an intimate, slow moving, beast that eventually leans back on it's hind legs and rips your face off.  I could go on, and I will, but you should see it first.

Still here? Need a little more to go on? Fine, but that's not what I want for you guys. You should have absolutely no idea where it's going or who any of the characters are. But here we go: Caleb is a junior programmer at this world's equivalent of Google... or Facebook. It's kind of an amalgamation. Either way, he's selected to join the company's reclusive CEO at his mansion somewhere in the frozen wilderness. I think it's Alaska.

Unassuming nice guy, Caleb, is now deep in Nathan Bateman's element. Oscar Isaac plays his eccentric billionaire so delicately I'm going to try my best to put it into words. Here goes: High functioning hipster sociopath with delusions of godhood. See... that doesn't give his subtly justice. He's got that "rich creep who desperately tries to be the everyman" thing going for him. I can't tell you how perfectly he nails all those Kubrick wannabes I've let talk my ear off at parties on how they're going to change the world.

I like your foreshadowy skull there...

Only Nathan actually did. There's a robot in this movie too and that's what makes this film so special. I just spent three paragraphs setting up the protagonist. You thought it was Caleb didn't you? Nah. He just has the most screen time. I'm not trying to spoil anything, but do try to keep Ava's prospective in mind at all times.

It's a foregone conclusion that Alicia Vikander has "broken out." But I can't discribe her performance without spoiling her arc or intentions. Which are both the whole point of the film.

So SPOILERS.

"Oh don't get me started on i7 processors. You do not want to plumb the depths of my rage over i7 processors!"

She's playing everyone. She was programmed to. We never get to see the real Ava because she never lets you. She's tasked with escaping Nathan's compound and she does so brilliantly. The depth of Ava's deception is mostly thanks to Vikander who plays the virginal honey trap like I've never seen... hell, I fell for it. Harder than I like to admit. This is also a perfect date movie for the right kind of  girl. 

People are throwing Kubrick's name around in terms of visuals and they're not wrong. But I'd argue Kubrick wasn't this feminist. EM may not exactly pass the Bechdel test, but it is angrily anti-patriarchy. Even though it doesn't seem that way for the vast majority of the running time. It's shockingly refreshing in that regard. The camera pans over Ava are sexual, but never lurid. There's also a quick disco dance sequence that's also the most upsetting rape scene I can remember.

If for nothing else, enjoy this movie for butchering the "nice guy as de-facto hero" trope. I'm really sick if it. I don't care that I identified with Caleb the most. I don't care that I probably would have done everything he did. I care that the movie explicitly called out his unearned expectations for sex and violently denied them. He didn't deserve it and Ava deserved to be free. 

It's a great sexual politics yarn that everyone over the age of 18 needs to see.