A buring question... answered.

Why aren't there tent pole adaptations of Discworld in movies, TV, or even gaming? Now that I'm  knee deep in the work of a writer I've only recently discovered was my literary spirit guide; I notice the abysmal quality of his adaptations. The fact the first season of American Gods wrapped before anything noteworthy from the Pratchett estate got produced drives me nuts.

Is it the orangutan librarian or Death of Rats? No, even Sci Fi can afford CGI characters these days. It couldn't be the lack of material or a dearth of talented writers clamoring for a chance to produce their Vimes fan fics. This could be the next crossover hit. Pixar or HBO need get on this... why haven't they? We can get American Gods on the air, America! We can do anything.

Then I started Interesting Times. In which Terry Pratchett calmly, politely, and most englishly calls China a Kafkaesque hell hole. "OOOOOOHHHHhhhhh." I said to myself. "Yeah no, Hollywood needs China way more then they need the Rincewind saga." Do you remember Alibaba's credit during Rogue Nation? I sure as hell do.

One last thing about Terry Pratchett.

Thanks, karelias!

Where most writers use exposition he chooses to tell short stories. And on the occasion he does use exposition, they all seem to turn into jokes. Good ones:

"Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.”

Holy crap I love Terry Pratchett.

He was the kind of writer that's far more talented then they want you to believe. Sure, Discworld books are funny. Sweet Moses, they're funny. But after finally picking up Guards! Guards! I'm blown away at how much character and detail is every single line of his dialogue. Each character has lived a full life and will keep on living it after the book closes. I know we all want a Watch TV series, but Pratchett's other works have so much to offer you'd be just as happy with a show all about Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler.

Admit it.

Cowboy Bebop TV series! ... from the producer of Teen Wolf.

Are space corgis cheaper in CGI?

...and the writer of Thor: The Dark World. Yeesh. I'm all for second chances, lord knows I've been given a few, but this pedigree just makes my hair bristle. There's never a wrong time for a noir space opera with a barnstorming jazz soundtrack, but please not these guys and not this property.

This belongs to someone else. A mini series by Shane Black would be perfect. But we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a world where North American remakes of anime classics can't stop crashing and burning. I honestly forgot all about Scar Jo's Ghost in the Shell. Already.

How to make the Palindrome a Palindrome

Oh, is it?

I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the semantics of Destiny's self serious gun names. I think I have a mechanics based solution: what if the Palindrome fired while you reloaded? ....right?

I've had a weird day.

*psst* this is why you're my favorite.

Get it?

Here's a legendary pistol from Destiny:

Bungie I... look, the word palindrome isn't a palindrome. Don't think that flavor text gets you off the hook.

Here's a legendary sword from Diablo 3:

Jesus, can we instate a five syllable maximum? Please?

These are just some dumb boots from Path of Exile:

Aaaaaand this is one of the best sniper rifles I've ever found in Borderlands 2:

Most game's rare loot names sound like chapters in a high school poet's portfolio. Borderland's rare loot names sound like the drunken ramblings of an 18th century Quebecois fur trapper. Thus, I will always love Borderlands.

"Hey! Me from the past!"

Me from the Past

"Oh hey. What's up, Me from the future?"

Me from the Future

 "What if I told you Ubisoft could make up for 7 years of forcing rote formulation into each and every one of their games in 3 1/2 minutes?

Me from the Past

"What? No. Shut up. Get out. Absolutly not. No way in hell. F*$k you."

 Ooof. It's not very good at cursing, is it? STILL THOUGH!

Wonder Woman Review: The Man who Can.

...I want this poster.

In the history of superhero movies, Wonder Woman is sadly unique. Sure, there have been a few decent female superheros (Black Widow, Gamora, what have you) but those are foils to their male counter parts at best. Wonder Woman is a movie for women by women and it's about goddamn time. This is a superhero film without the male gaze and it's embarrassing how big a difference it makes. Now male charters suffer the same underwritten fate of Snyder's Lois Lane and there is some fun irony in that. Especially since Snyder has top screenwriting credit... we'll get into that. The take away here is that this is best DC film yet and it's exactly the kind of movie the world needs right now. A movie about badass, fearless, and compassionate women who get sh*t done.

Let's start with the great: the action sequences! For a movie as terrified of blood and dismemberment as this is there is still a lot going on. The amazon cavalry charge set against pearl white cliffs puts the lion's share of Marvel movies to shame. I may be a sucker for bow and arrow trick shots, but throw in some cliff diving and you got yourself the best fight scene this year. The centerpiece of the film takes place in the German front and the trailer didn't even spoil the best parts. Always appreciated. 

The second thing this movie nails is screwball comedy. Pine and Gadot's chemistry is f*&king electric and the best non action moments of the film exclusively come from their conversations. I was pretty tickled at how much bearing the lasso of truth had on the story... but it still looks pretty goofy in action.

But here comes the hard part. This movie can be... aggressively mediocre. The cast is uneven in talent and too many scenes with the mercenaries are drowning in first draft clichés. Worse still, are the venerable English actors sleep walking through their lines and look like they're dying on the inside. After seeing David Thewlis having a grand old time chewing the scenery as a Russian mobster on Fargo; it's devastating to see the albatross of this nothing role weigh him down.

Just... here, watch this and then tell me I'm wrong:

Now that, that, is a villain. Something else the film is sorely lacking. At first it has one, then two, then 3. None are given enough room to breath and one is completely forgotten until the last minute of the last fight (which is also a weightless flaming ball of CGI bullsh*t. There's even highlander lightning). When I saw Snyder's writing credit I howled with laughter. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's a great guy and fun to work with, but he's the reason even mediocre Marvel movies blow DC off the board.

Remember how I said I like this movie? I really do, there's a charm here you haven't seen since Cap's debut. An earnestness that should have been all over the last couple Superman movies. The great war killed thousands of children and the way Diana's shaking anger about it rips through everyone else's war fatigue holds the film afloat. If you boiled down her character to a sentence it would be "None of this horrible sh*t should be happening and you know it." She is resolute in the face of cowardice and pessimism. That strikes a chord with me. According to the box office it strikes a chord with a majority of movie goers as well. I think that's pretty neat.

I'll play myself out:

Ja-Ja-Ja- JACKPOT.

I just need 137 more... CRAP.

Guys, I've been playing this game at least once a year for 4 years. Has a game you've practically memorized ever made you yell "HOLY SH*T" at the top of your lungs? Borderlands fan for life over here.

Just take those old records off the shelf.

......I think he cheated.

I'd love to give Diablo 3 the fair shot it deserves but since my battlenet account is tied to a email service Blizzard no longer responds to, I'd have to buy the sucker all over again. Hmm. That's not happening. What do I have rattling around in my library that could scratch... that... itch...

Prey Review: Just who do you think you are?

Prey is something of an anomaly. It's either a waste of time or everything you've ever wanted. I happened to love it, but there are solid arguments to be made about it being almost a failure. It depends on what you really want from a game and what you can ultimately put up with. What I'm trying to say is Prey is my "settling soul mate."

It's selling itself as a shooter while intentionally putting as little effort into the actual shooting mechanics as they can. I mean, sure you shoot at things, but it's all so maddeningly imprecise your reflexes don't count for squat. The thing is Prey has a lot more going on then then gooey black aliens. This is a massive escape room that is about all exploring and gathering resources.

And I promise it's so much more interesting than how I just made it sound.

It is nearly all because of level design. The kind of thing you only notice when it's done wrong, unless it's as gob smackingly perfect as it is here. This is a metriodvania, all areas of TALOS-1 bleed in and out of each other flawlessly. The enemy encounters are random all the time. After two playthroughs I hadn't seen all the troop variety tricks it had to show me. Again, the combat isn't the greatest. But your run ins with amorphic terrors from beyond serve a purpose: draining your reserves to force you to find more stuff. And again that's much more fun than it sounds.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't."

Nothing about the nuts and bolts of Prey is sexy, but so much of it is interesting. Every item in the game is made of material that can be broken down. Banana peels, bullets, ramen noodles, emp grenades... gum drops. All can be broken down to their basic components and reassembled into something you actually want. I mean anything. Including this game's version of Adam (upgrade points). It turns every little discovery into a step towards whatever you want in that moment.

If you're inches away from that shiny new stealth upgrade or you need a fatter stack of shotgun shells, there is some combination of random junk in your bird's nest of an inventory that can get you what you want. It's the greatest inventory system I've ever seen... again, that sounds boring and I'm sorry. But Jesus Christ, it's perfect. Every item has so much personality. Frozen unagi rolls, Shaker Lemon Pie, Captain Spree's Fish Sticks, I adore this kind of detail.

MotherF**kin' Glucassist!

It's no accident that item discovery matters so much, because this is one hell of a sci fi haunted house. The best since the first Dead Space. The offices and living quarters are bursting with intrigue hidden on computers or notes. The station's "Guts" force you to become an anti-gravity fighter pilot. The outside is it's own wilderness pockmarked with treasure troves blown out into space. In other words, getting lost on TALOS-1 is the most fun I've had exploring a game since I... I honestly can't remember. Maybe New Vegas.

But sadly, all those unique strengths can't hide it's obvious weaknesses. The small character moments shine while the grand set pieces bore. The exploration and looting loop breaks down in the ultimately dull combat. The enemy variety eventually devolves into unimaginative literal blobs. The ending twist will not work for everyone. But it certainly worked for me!


Prey is what Warren Spector would have made if he had started out in this generation, for good and ill. The question is how much you like exploring. Did you tear Rapture upside down trying to shake out every last audio log? Then this. Is. Your. Sh*t. It may not go down as well as the other System Shock games; but it remains the closest thing to it in almost 20 years.

 I hope you like it.

Let's take a walk outside,

The Keepers Review: God is Watching.

This guy is something f**king else.

The Keepers surprised me. That much I can say for it. From the start you seem to know what you're getting. The Baltimore Catholic church wrapped up in the murder of a nun. It's like Spotlight but with somehow even more brazenly obvious collusion with the city. Sad to say that in this world the tale of unchecked pedophile priests is actually getting kinda stale. Think about how jaded we are now; or rather think about what people like Father Maskell have forced us to become. These people made our world that much darker and untrustworthy, we should never forget what they did. For that alone, The Keepers would be this year's Making a Murderer and then some.

It mostly is, though the first 4 episodes are basically all covered in the trailer.  That compounded with a slow start began to grind on my nerves a bit. The introductions to the scooby gang of 60-something investigators are a bit much as well. You ever been the new kid in school and the first friend you make tells you folks here call him "Maverick"... and you know in your bones that no one calls him Maverick? It's initially pretty hard to root for them because they chomp down on their 15 minutes so hard. They haven't let this story go for decades and they deserve it and all... but that don't make it less hard to watch.

Ah man, the suspects episode is soooooooooo good!

Honestly, Cathy's murder is the least interesting part of the whole story. It's actually almost lame by my standards, I just got done reading about the toy box killer. A sleep aid... he wasn't. But the doc smartly treats the murder as a lead rather than a destination. It's rare, but in this case the cover up was FAR less awful than the crimes.


First you hear about Sister Cathy's death, then all about "Mr. Sunshine" Father Maskell, and then? Then it gets amazing. You see, there are some holes in the accuser's stories. Their case was thrown out of court for sound reasons. I booed at the screen the second I heard "repressed memories" and the doc heard me. Near the end it takes it's time presenting the defense. Playing devil's advocate way harder than I expected it to. That witness is the star of the show and a full 15 minutes are dedicated to essentially calling her a liar.

It takes a much more journalistic tone once all the stories are told. It presents everything they got, more evidence for one side than the other, but they make every case that can be made. Let's face it... a lot of people die in Baltimore. It's entirely possible Cathy's death had nothing to do with Maskell's abuse. I love that it lets me make that judgment. In the end, all we need to clear everything up are publicly available documents the city of Baltimore refused to hand over for 4 years straight.

That's a pretty interesting story on it's own... doncha' think?

How's Everybody Doing?

Can I get anybody more cowbell?

Long week. I don't wanna talk about it. In short, I'm feeling much better and am thus much bloggier than I have been. Still plugging away at Darksiders II for the umpteenth time and I still have no idea why this has a 7/10 on steam. That's crazy to me as I could plausibly play this game forever. I'm seriously looking forward to sharing this with my kids, is that weird? It is, isn't it?

Either way, the Deathinitive version is still just so damn pretty and the loot drops are polished to a mirror sheen. Less is more here. Less loot, but the loot you get is more interesting. It's also much harder to buy your way out of a less than perfect load out, so even a grizzled veteran like me has to improvise. I'm loving it. If you've never touched this series and you have any interest in a heavy metal zelda/diablo hybrid... do it. Come on. You're killing me! These games are such a good time.

The Warmastered Editon was pretty good...

"Even my SCABS have SKULLS."- Death after 3 drinks.

...but The Deathinitive Edition



is

stunning.



Great art direction always ages well but, damn, I didn't think they could make Death's armor look that good. The best part of this game was the loot design. Every piece of loot from white to orange looked at least interesting enough to try on once. Most games treat everything under blue rarity as the garbage it is, but Vigil cared. They cared so damn much. I'm glad to see the series get one more shot, even gladder to see one of my all time favorite games get such a respectful face lift.

American Gods: A second course of Hannibal.

It's obvious from the first episode that American Gods is a direct transplant of everyone that worked on Hannibal. The most horrifically gorgeous show ever made. Because of that alone I'm gonna be there to the bitter end. No other show on the air looks or sounds anything like this, like classic Italian horror with a budget and CGI.

The same dream logic and floaty dialogue usually fits Gaiman's words like a glove, in fact it's getting hard to tell what's old and what's new. Mr. Nancy's fiery new sermon is a welcome change seeing as Gaiman (a brit) seemed to not want to talk about the Black American experience too much. Understandably.  But it's a little stagey at times, fine for the page but too flowery and broad for small talk on a long car trip.  Let's just say sometimes Mr. Wednesday comes off as more a weird asshole than a brilliant con man. Though he is certainly both.

Shadow's a lot more of a character now too, though how much of that has to do with Ricky Whittle's solid acting chops is again, unclear. He seems to have a shorter fuse and is much less passive and/or gullible than before. Though It's been 10-12 years since I read the book, it could actually be much better than I remember. I had awful taste back then.

This is worth watching if you ever enjoyed Gaiman, Hannibal, Pushing Daisies, or Deadwood. You are going to LOVE IT. The cool kids aren't going to shut up about it anytime soon either

Last political post for a while, pinky swearzies.

Obama has the ability to call someone a motherf**ker using only his posture.

In light of recent events, such as the AP reporting the Trump transition team illegally moved sensitive material the second they got their hands on it, the Wall Street Journal reporting that Putin personally signed off on payments to Trump hotels, and the fun (though possibly spurious) conspiracy chatter about the US Marshal service arresting sitting members of the House, I'd say it's time to look back to the last administration.

The story behind this picture beguiled me for months and I feel like I don't know much more than a quarter of it so far. But all that does explain why he looked so pissed here... and why he looked so relaxed on vacation.

He may have despised Hillary to an unhealthy degree, but he wouldn't do Barry like that.

Deputy US Marshal!

Just thought I'd reminisce about how much I loved Justified. The US Marshal service is on my mind tonight for some reason....

Many people are saying that a sealed indictment has been issued for Donald Trump.

...but her emails.

According to journalists Louise Mensch and Claude Taylor, who correctly predicted the FBI raid and FISA court proceedings 3 weeks ago, are now saying that Trump ceased to be President on may 9th. Senator Orrin Hatch has received security briefings and is the next president of the United States.

Is this bullshit? I don't know, if not then I love the way they lie to me.

What the sh*t, Barry?!

Archer Dreamland has been a damn good return to form after two downright mediocre seasons. Everyone has slightly new roles and motivation that changes things just enough to feel new again. Yet exactly the same, somehow.

 Though, I was worried why new Barry had to become a cyborg again. This episode was was why. Jesus Christ, someone on the writing staff had to have been bingeing Hannibal. That was just... haunting.

Goggins-Watch 2017

They really nailed the jawline...

Walton Goggins is center square in my favorite character actor bingo card. With Benedict Wong as your older brother and Goggins as a shady lab rat there is some damn good talent behind the mic. Shame the dialogue isn't better, still a firm step up from Dishonored 2.

Prey reaches the next level of interactive imersion.

Because as far as I know, no other video game character has been proven to sleep in socks and boxers. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but personally I've never felt closer to a player avatar in my entire life. Morgan Wu is my now my guiding light. My digital north star.

F**king glorious.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....

...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I honestly, hand to god, did NOT think this would ever happen. Darksiders 3! Holy sweet mother of Moses. It looks good, like it has a current gen budget behind it. The cartoony yet bloody ascetic is still in tact and the dialogue is still juuuuuust above average for a pulpy sword'n'sorcery affair. Plus they went with the sole female member of the horsepersons instead of the dude with all the guns. Nicely done... though the heels are a bit much.

Fargo's still got it.

There has to be a point where the overall quality of TV needs to sink. An upcoming writer's strike may do just that, but I didn't think Fargo could still be this good. Stunt casting Ewan Mcgregor as twins is usually a red flag for lazy writing but the premise this year is pretty damn awesome. The two halves of the Stussy brothers are on either side of the proverbial tracks. One stuck in a dead end job as a parole officer, the other is the parking lot king of Minnesota. They both have ridiculously intricate driving forces in their lives that somehow fit great together. Ray wants to steal a rare stamp from Emmit so he can buy into a high roller Bridge tournament. Emmit wants the Russian mob to stop politely and methodically taking over his company.

This show is worth it for David Thewlis's English accented Russian mobster alone. He somehow manages to be nonchalantly terrifying. Carrie Coon is the next permutation of the single parent cop trope this show is so good at. I'd be upset at the repetition if they didn't do such a great job at keeping it fresh. She's no super cop and only has one other person in her department and that department is run out of the library. This is the show's secret sauce. Making painful realities quietly hilarious.

At this point in American Horror Story it had already flown off the rails. While I'm not sure it's the best season yet I can say for certain that it's the best anthology show so far. And that ain't nuthin'.

He makes his own goddamn teeth a character. I mean, his face and his teeth are giving dueling performances.

Happy Birthday!

To another 100 years.

Late Night Search Hole:

Bog Butter.

That up there is a crazy old husk of butter. This is how the English/Scottish made it since at least the 6th century. They'd bury dairy product slurry in a wooden vessel deep in a peat bog. But the jury's out on why they made it that way. It doesn't have any salt and isn't very nutritious. I lean toward the idea it was for security reasons. A "go bag" if you will, in case of emergency.

Anywho, that's how I spent the last 2 hours. What's new with you guys?

A Post about another Post

Democracy Dies in Darkness

       

I finally got a subscription. One, their comment sections are incredible reads. Two, when the FBI finishes their investigation I want court side seats. I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my money.

Digging up Cathy.

Got a true crime itch that needs scratch'n?  Netflix has got your back with this year's answer to Making A Murderer. It looks amazing. Think Spotlight but with nun murder. Wait... May 19th? Come on, Netflix. You know I can't curse in an article about nun murder!

Well damn, that was actually worth 7 bucks.

It name checks a song that isn't in it! Good thing I was sick of it...

Cards on the table, the school uniform from Persona 4 is the closest I've ever gotten to actually wanting to cosplay. There's a reasonably cheap costume for sale on etsy and I'm going to break down and get it eventually. Tell everyone at a future Halloween party that aren't in the know I'm a Japanese school boy. That might get a laugh or 2.

But either way, as great as Persona 5 is, P4 was just a smidge better and after putting in 70 hours to finish her up; I needed a fresh coat of paint on my crew to deal with a new game +. The p4 costume pack sounded lovely, though $7 was a little steep. But I got some neat XP boosting accessories and apparently the battle music and victory jingle from 4 carry over. If I'm being honest I love reach out to the truth but I wouldn't be heartbroken if I never heard it again.

Except that's not what I got, it's some hot new sh*t from the vita remake I'd never heard before. F**ck it's so good, worth every damn penny.

Where have I been?

Welp... I've been doing a lot more writing vs blogging. See, when I'm not procrastinating on my blog I'm procrastinating on the 3 and 1/2'ish things I'm kinda sorta noveling. Not to worry, I've finally seen What we do in the Shadows and I'm just about done with Persona 5 (dropped it like a stone for a few days, got super burnt out). So blogging is incoming. And I'm still on a podcast!

Slow news day, huh?

Apropos of nothing and no one, I'll put up this scene from a fun little movie with a great message that's somehow still relevant today: Get Carter.

We need to talk about P5's menus.

The user interface is the part of the game you're going to look at the most. You'd think there'd be an arms race in the industry to make the best and most interesting UI possible. Atlus seems to be the only studio who gives a damn. Lord do they give a damn.

Look what the internet can do with it:

 

For 14 hours  Imgur isn't going to know what hit it...

That. Little. Sh*t!

What have ye done?!

I'm sure Mike Fahey's son is a sweet boy. No one is abdicating for corporal punishment here. No one is saying that. But good people can be responsible for monstrous things. Things like deleting a 40 hour Persona 5 save. That sucks Mike. That sucks times a million. I also like to point out there's a cloud save option and I suggest ya'll use it!

P5 is... ok, I guess.

Persona 5's good. Pretty good, even. Good enough so that the near decade wait was worth it. I'm not saying you need to rush out and buy it, but there is a nice bonsai-like feeling tending to the day to day grind of being a japaneese teenag-... what the hell do you mean it's been 6 days?

6 days?! Then why does it feel like I've just started?! This game is the closest thing humanity has to a f**king time machine.