I'm in my blue period.

I'm not one for depression, I'm usually too ADD to manage to get depressed. But today? Man, something (metaphysical) just cut me down at work and wouldn't leave me alone. Writing usually makes me feel better, or rather, like I'm accomplishing something. So that helps.

Civ: Beyond Earth is a lot of fun. It's not even close to the re-skinned carbon copy of Civ V the haters are saying. I'm guessing the guys that hate it the most either finished the harmony victory (which is pretty boring) and didn't try the robot-facist supremacy ending instead. You have to march a ton of soldiers through a warp gate while you fend off the other factions trying to pick them all off  and break your fancy gate. It was a fantastic spin I'd never played in Civ and I loved every second of my death march.

That cheered my little black heart up a smidge.

 I'm good, seriously. It's nothing an unreasonable amount of chips, salsa, gin, and sleep can't fix. G'night.

Borderlands, The Pre-Sequel! Review: Life on other planets.

I have been on board the Borderlands train since the light turned green in October 2009. The first was rough, but each DLC pack improved on itself. Each slowly refining it's sense of character and humor into something special. Something I could really appreciate. By no means a masterpiece, it was still a game I played into a bloody pulp.

Borderlands 2 was a massive step forward. Not just in graphics, but it also made the scant story elements of the previous game retroactively relevant. Borderlands 2 is a masterpiece. It didn't need a villain that compelling, but it had one. It didn't need to have so many great act breaking story moments, but it did. It didn't need to add four spectacular (well all right, Hammerlock's hunt was just ok) DLC packs making a 60 hour game exponentially longer. But they're there. It remains one of the best games I ever played, and as of now, steam says I played it for 499 hours over 2 years. Damn.

The Pre-Sequel had some big shoes to fill, even with tapered expectations. The guns all looked the same as 2, Gearbox wasn't even working on it, and all the trailers didn't make Elpis (Pandora's moon) look like a terribly interesting place to be, even after spending 499 hours staring at it. And honestly? It's not as good. Not even close.

But it's still very good, and in some subtle but important ways, better than either game before it. For one, the appallingly stingy vending machines of 2 have been reverted to BL1's standards of rarity. In 2; the loot in machines were almost always green, sometimes blue, hardly ever purple, and only once (once!) in 499 hours did I ever find something orange.

Behold.

Not so, anymore. Blues and purples abound, making money actually useful again. Moonstones, the new eridium, is more bountiful allowing you to max out your backpack and a couple of ammo stock piles halfway through the campaign. But they can be thrown into the grinder too, which is the single best thing about this game, and something that needs to be front and center in BL3. You have a bunch of green grenades? Pop them in the grinder and it just might spit out a blue one. Same goes for blue to purple loot, but that's the limit. There is a way, and an achievement, for grinding up an orange piece of gear, but it's nowhere near as straight forward. I love the grinder and soon you will too.

But what about the actual game? I happened to enjoy a lot of that too. I found the "SCAVs" a wonderful upgrade from the bandits in 2 (and who were mostly cut and pasted from 1 except for the nomads). They have wider battle rolls, employ flanking tactics, and have delightful Australian accents. The moon gravity and new stomp attacks are a welcome switch up that I'll miss in subsequent, non moon related, Borderlands games.

The only area that leaves me cold is the story and about a third of the environments. They both just kinda tread water. I like the younger, more reasonable, and less villainous Handsome Jack. But the story plays out as if half the time it wants to keep the twists from 2 a secret and half the time it doesn't. I was hoping for a deeper look at Jack and Angel's relationship. I'd watch a whole movie about that. But she only shows up in a picture (an admittedly spectacular picture, but still, boo.) on Jack's desk, a couple audio logs... and that's it. That really, really, bummed me out. I bet money that's what the DLC will be about, and by gum, I'll let them take my money. But for god's sake 2k Australia, why didn't you even tease that aspect of Jack? His relationship with his daughter (two year old spoilerz!!!!) is the single most interesting thing about him.

But I digress. Yes, Jack's arc is mostly stagnant. Yes, the first third of the environments are repetitive and kinda dull. But once you get back on the giant H, you won't care. The game opens up after that. Sure, you can't use your butt stomp as much anymore, you'e on  normal gravity turff. But this is when you start to notice how much work went into all the character's skill trees. Everybody is going to love their level 18 character. Because every skill tree has some cool keystone halfway through that dramatically changes the way you play.

You get warned if you choose to play as Clappy. Because you should be.

Claptrap has automatic freezing with his butt stomps (and save clappy for your second character... trust me, he doesn't leave you with a good first impression) Nisha starts racking up faster reload speeds for every enemy she kills within a clip, and so on. The "Borderlands only has passive skills" complaints have been answered. While they aren't new action skills, each tree for each character is markedly different now. As a grizzled old vet, I say that's a first, aside from Krieg and Gaige.

So yeah, this is a "fans only" kind of a game. Newbies should start from 2 at bare minimum. Just wait til' Steam sells the GOTY for $10 again, it's a hell of a deal. But if you are a fan, you're gonna at least get your money's worth.The series' heart and humor is intact, and the new ideas are successful and delightful in equal measure. The only thing holding 2K Australia back I feel, was budget, not passion. The game is about 4/6ths the length of 2, but it ends on a mother of a high note that makes it worth it. If you missed the Eridians from 1, like I did, you'll appreciate what goes on in the end. Especially the very end. It's the best final fight in the series.

In summation, a cash-in budget holds the pre-sequl back from standing out on it's own. But just barely. It's charmed voice performances and canny callbacks to the first game, give it a reason to exist. If all cash-in games were 2/3rds as good as this, the industry would be much better off. Just look at what they put into a poster you can barely read without a sniper rifle scope:

I love you guys.

Beyond Earth's launch trailer is among the best I've ever seen.

There is no in game footage, there is no glitzy approximation of gameplay. There is only the human cost of being chosen to escape a rotten earth and save our species. I was on the fence before; but if they're willing to spend this kind of dough on a CGI trailer that has almost nothing to do with science fiction... for a game that's all about high sci-fi, I now know their heart is in the exact place I wanted it to be.

I dare you to watch it and feel nothing.

I pre-ordered on the spot.

Ian Mckellen contines to shock and delight.

That is all.

So I finished the Pre-sequel...

And I liked it. I liked it a hell of a lot. It's not AS good as 2 but I thought it in the realm of Arkham Origins. Just a hair above "good enough" with a big heapin' helping of fan service. And as a fan I say the service was excellent.

But I'll elaborate in a review very soon.

Borderlands The Pre-Sequel: Charmed to death by "Joy-Puke".

"Hellooooooooooooo, transient blog readers!"

At first I was going through the motions. No, I don't think I have the money for the PS. No I'm not terribly jazzed about a past generation place holding cash in on one of my favorite series. But after spending twenty minutes on Pandora's moon as everyone's favorite emotionally needy robot, I'm back in the pink.

I love Borderlands, and while this is simply "more borderlands" I feel like lately I've forgotten how much I love the story and lore the first time around. It's been 2 years since BL2, and the sting of that game's shockingly good story beats dulled in my memory.

This is still the best written, most intentionally funny, role playing game in the industry. And guess what? The Eridians are back! What? You didn't play Borderlands 1? Well you won't get the customer loyalty bonus either... tough noogies.


Oh, and apparently there's a machine on Elpis that can eat 3 green guns and spit out a blue one. That fixes the single biggest problem with 2. The stupidly stingy loot system! I am so on board now...

Videogamer.com breaks embargo, warms my heart.

There's a lot riding on video game releases. Tens of millions of dollars, people's jobs, and critical public first impressions. I can see why they'd want to embargo a review until the day of release with a new IP like Evil Within.

I can understand why obsessive PR spin can feel like a job well done from the publisher's prospective. But it's gotten out of control and the leash needs to be loosened for the good of the industry.

That's why I'm glad Videogamer.com broke the review embargo and published their review two days early. They say it's because they weren't sent a copy and since they got theirs from a store, legally they aren't culpable. I'm sure Bethesda doesn't see it that way and this site is probably on an industry wide blacklist right now.

But they threw the first stone... and they won't be the last. I like where this ball is rolling.

Final Fantasy XIII on PC is a cruel joke.

Over-designed armor bikini feather exploooooosiiiiiiioooooon!!!!!!!!!!

Locked at 720p, wide spread reports of jerky framerate, and a 60 (goddamned) gigabyte download for a nearly 6 year old game.

No. Nuh-uh, Square.

We're happy you showed up to the party, but you gotta bring a cheap bottle of wine at least. And it would help if you looked like you wanted to be here, too.

Every USB device has been compromised. Seriously. Every single one.

According to The Escapist and the last Black Hat conference (a shindig where hackers try to be as hacky as possible) it was discovered  that you could rewrite a thumb drive's firmware and effectively take control of an infected computer. One example? Remote access to the keyboard. Did that prick your ears up?

The only silver lining is that new USB devices can be updated to fend off the exploit... but only new devices. All your old junk is vulnerable to an undetectable electronic equivalent to a zombie virus.

...Goodnight everybody! Sweet dreams.

Bojack Horseman: The Rewatch.

Thanks, showmesomthingugly!

It's a damn good show, and it's even better when you know where it's going. Bojack's neuroses are more obvious. His doomed schemes to keep what few friends he has in his life more cutting and tragic. You know what? That's what it is. This is a tragedy.

A show that clings to comic timing, but is ultimately about the horrifying futility in trying to change yourself. I liked the show when I watched it the first time, but now I genuinely respect it.

Ya'll seriously need to get past episode 2 already. It slowly morphs into something radically original. 

Randy Pitchford's car was hit with a bomb threat.

Pitchford, of Gearbox Software and Borderlands fame, was just a target of a seemingly toothless bomb threat. Police were summoned and Pitchford was not allowed back to his vehicle.

He has since made light of the event in this tweet.

As a Borderlands fan, I don't get it. So Colonial Marines was a massive insult. They should not have released it. That was a mistake, but a bomb threat?! Even filtered through the grotesque histrionics of gamer culture this is hard to understand.

Don't let them get to you Mr. Pitchford. The world needs Borderlands 3!

Review Watch: Alien Isolation.

This is actually pretty interesting. The mainstream sites (IGN, Polygon, Gamespot), are uniformly "meh" on the survival horror title. Whereas PCGamer, Joystiq, and The Escapist (which is reviewed by Jim Sterling, who I'm comfortable calling the Colbert/Ebert of gaming) are pretty glowing.

What's a girl to do? Well I sure as hell can't afford it right now... I'm not sure I can afford a new game this month at all. My Borderlands buddies are not gonna be happy about that. But personally I want to see the best in Isolation. And I kind of love the fact it's a lengthy 20 hour affair, instead of an 8 hour skirmish.

Seriously, Polygon? The most disappointing Alien game? You know I love you guys, but the self satisfaction is really starting to reek.

But I also used to think a 20 hour God of War game would be amazing... let's just say I've fallen asleep a couple of times trying to review Lords of Shadow. I don't know how or why that game is so stupendously dull, but finishing it twice was honest to god work.

So I dunno, I will play Isolation eventually... but not this year. Oh, and Evil Within? I just don't trust it. Every single preview of that thing I've read seems to break the writer's heart. So that's it for AAA horror games for the next several years.

Silent Hills better be the second coming.

Ray Donovan Mini Review: Death from Encouragement

I was going to do a full scale review of the first season of Ray Donovan, but... well... it's just not that good. I'm through 11 of the 12 and I like it, but I really can't recommend it. The premise is  compelling, an inside look at a Hollywood fixer, and whenever that's the focus the show shines. Ray's humiliating ways of dealing with stalkers and corrupt real estate agents are a scream. His rag tag team of rogues are also some of the most interesting parts of the cast.

But they get a fraction of the screen time. Room has to be made for Jon Voight as Ray's jail bird father as well as his wife (deadwood's Trixie! She's fabulous.) and two kids. There was plenty of material and talent in the Donovans to sustain maybe 5 episodes, but if I were to make a pie graph of total time spent on characters, Ray's immediates would have run off with 9. They stop being bearable after 6. The actors are fine but the story structure brings the show's momentum to a screeching halt.

I mean, it feels like they wanted the show to be more about Ray doing his job, but they ran out of ideas. It's inability to break out of the family's increasingly tedious cycle of calling Ray a monster and kinda-sorta forgetting about it, made me groan out load. That cycle happens at least 3 times.

This is for hard core Schreiber and Voight fans only. And only then if you don't mind seeing their talent wasted on boiler plate material half the time. When the show snaps out of it's family drama coma and decides to raise the action, it's wonderful. But the valleys outweigh the peaks, you know what I mean?

A potentially great show watered down into an ok show.

Filth Review

Filth is the kind of movie that does a lot of things wrong. The tone is all over the place, the plot feels like it's missing a quarter of necessary development, and it has a third act twist that's... actually the best plot twist I've seen in years. I mean, for better or worse, you won't see it coming.

But either way, this movie is not for the faint of heart and it doesn't give two sh*ts about your American sensibilities. I.E., you're gonna need subtitles to cut through the brogue. But if you like James McAvoy the way I do, you're going to love almost every second of this. Because he is amazing in almost every second of this.

McAvoy is Bruce, a Scottish police detective currently estranged from his apparently swinging wife. If he can secure a juicy promotion, she may let him see her and his child again. It's just a game they're playing and Bruce will do anything it takes. Not actual police work, mind, but the complete and total assassination of all his competitor's characters.      

The photography throughout is absotootly, posilootly, gorgeous.

Bruce is a delusional, paranoid, alcoholic, drug addled, manipulative, and physically abusive monster. But you won't be able to look away. Sometimes the people under his wrath are just as unsettling as he is, but mostly they're trusting innocents. I'm ashamed to admit how long it took into Eddie Marsan's con before I finally turned against Bruce. If you thought Marsan could pull off the lovable goofball in The World's End you're gonna love him even more in Filth. He'll beak your heart even more here, too.

McAvoy is electrifying. Charming and magnetic even when his life is crashing around his ears. He'd be a cartoonish villain, but winds up being a fascinating protagonist.

The movie is at it's best when it's hoping around in between the ancillary murder case and each of Bruce's long cons. But, and this is a common problem in plenty of legitimately great movies, there are third act problems. Imogen Poot's character becomes one of the most interesting points of the film. Unfortunatly there are only 15 minutes left by then and she hadn't really mattered for an hour and a half at least.

On the flip side, there is way too much of Jim Broadbent's psychologist. I mean, I love the guy, and I liked the "find the fish" vibe his scenes have, but man... a little goes a long way. Likewise, the flash hallucinations Bruce has sometimes where his collegues wear rubber animal masks gets overplayed. And that motif leads to the only stylistic choice that falls flat on it's face. It's the credits, and while I like the idea of it, it just doesn't work. You'll see what I mean.

Though I'll take a raucously original detective thriller that's only partially successful, than well made formula. Like I said, you've never seen anything exactly like Filth. Sure; it has lot in common with Trainspotters and such, but when was the last time you saw a druggie movie as fun as that? Right? It's been a while, hasn't it?

So if this is your bag, pour yourself a drink (it's recommended, but not necessary) and get your butt to Netflix.

The photography is, again, stunning.

Bye $50!

Shadow of Mordor is apparently hot sh*t. And while I'm just a fair weather fan of Jackson's work, I go where the talent takes me. And it looks like this studio is the next Rocksteady. An up and comer that makes a licensed game a near classic, something that has only ever happened once.

You win monolith Studios. You win my money.

I'm back in!

I've never cared about Battle.net until it called me a thief. Then I cared a whole hell of a lot. I'm not perfect, I've pirated stuff in years past, before being financially independent. And sure, sometimes I only look like I'm scanning my ridiculously expensive bag of coffee at the automatic check out and... why am I telling you this?

The point is I never took a dime from either Steam, Origin, or Battle.net, and I didn't appreciate being flagged over for a week long strip search. But I'm back in, all I had to do was whine at twitter for five days. And I wish I didn't have to. Whine, I mean. The thing is though, I'm much more into Dark Souls 2 again. And I'd much rather jump back into that for the umpteenth time then finish up Heart of the Swarm.

Oh well... I guess I never really wanted to get back in anyway.

Well google play... you got me.

For less than the price of taking a date to the movies, I can watch the whole last season of Ray Donovan. I really like Liev Schreiber. Seriously, listen to him on radio lab reading "The Distance of the Moon" That guy is a nerd in the most spectacular fashion. Yet the initial reviews kept me away from Ray, but I say it deserves a double take.

At least this way I know I'm going to watch it all... I'm literally invested.

Oh come ON Blizzard.

I'm fucked. Plain and simple. The help desk tweeted me back, gave me some advice that didn't work, and now I am thoroughly Rodgered. It's been 16 hours since their last reply. I've never been banned, or locked out, or anything from anybody. I've come to them now on bended knee, literally begging to be able to plead my case.

Say what you want about Origin or U-play, they've never done anything this personally insulting to
me.

The Kafkaesque feedback loop of Battle.net

Battle.net (Blizzard's Steam) went through some maintenance today and then decided to ban me. I barely use the sucker ( I got sick of Diablo 3, 6 months ago and only play star craft 2 single player once every 2 years.) and I just decided to pick up Heart of the Swarm. I was so close to finishing it and bam. Thanks a million, Blizzard. It may sound like I'm being a little snotty there and you're not wrong... but I'm also not finished.

To plead my case (which can take up to 10 days) I need to answer my security question and get an email authentication. Simple, those take seconds and I remembered my question. Only I must have triggered an email 20 times today, the first being 8 hours ago. It simply won't pop up. This happens to be the only way to contact Blizzard. Without an authenticator email I am effectively excommunicated. So now what? Tweet at them? That could take days if they ever even see it. Call them? The number just sends me back to the website.

So what the hell gives?! Is there  a bandwidth traffic jam for their maintenance day? Possibly. Will I ever spend money on battle.net ever again?

That's a really, really, really, reeeeeeeeeeeally, good question. 

So I was wrong about Outlander.

"Your teeth are amazing!" "Aye." "But why... and how?" "I don' ken."

I'm a guy. I'm not crazy into romance fiction, I doubt that makes me unique. But the problem is I used to think that I could like anything good. If enough people persuaded me, I thought I could appropriate art in almost every from. Unfortunately the first 3 episodes of Outlander left me a bit cold. God forbid this white male not be the target audience for once, but I wasn't, and I balked at being left out.

I was all "Jesus, another nurse the charming/chiseled/single warrior back to health scene?!" And the show was all "Yeah, that's how this is gonna go." The show being the absorbing period piece of 18th century Scotland that it is, I still couldn't let go.  

But I've blogged extensively on Breaking Bad and other great, but male dominated, shows without thinking about how unnecessary the female roles in them can be. Likewise, I began to get frustrated when Jamie Fraser became a little too noble/broken/stupendously desirable. Though well acted and written he felt so... contrived. And then I began to eat serious crow about female characters much like Jamie, which I had defended as not being too much. 

It's not just a damn good costume drama that stirs my Scottish roots sumthun' fierce... I honestly think it's making me a better person.

I just felt I had to say something, because the central antagonist just got his first big episode and he is a masterclass in calculated false humility. As far a cry as you can get from his two dimensional rapist in the pilot. That was my last huge problem "I could really use a compelling villain right about now..."  I said.

"Choke on this 100 on 100 lashes scene" They said.

"I will endeavor to do so, sirs!" I said.

Yes that is Edmure Tully.

...So watch Outlander, I guess. I'm pretty damn into it now.

I'm Back! And I'm spectacularly tired.

Not for any write worthy reason unfortunately, my flights were on time and uneventful. I just had to work a shift at the restaurant as soon as I got back. So what'd I miss while studying the Bible and shunning the consumption of alcoholic beverages in Tampa Bay? The Knick! I love the Knick. Can't wait to catch up with that...

Outlander is rock solid, I regret my lukewarm impressions last month, what else? Ooo! Conan O' Brain preformed the monorail song live! Shove that in your face.

Right the hell now:

GTA V will be on PC in......

January. The 27th. The new consoles get it a good two months before that. But I'm ok with this. They need to take their time. I still haven't made up my mind over whether it's worth buying the damn thing again a year later. Every couple of years I think this is the time I really get into GTA. This time the casual misogyny won't bother me so much. This time a smoother frame rate and higher textures will get me on board.

I dunno, I just don't know. I want to like theses games so much more than I do.

The Crackpot, live from Florida!

 

So I'm going on a little vacation, albeit one where I'll still force myself to do a little bloggin'. Maybe I'll finish up my Planet of the Apes review. Though I'll probably hold onto that when the Blu Ray comes out.

Maybe I'll review the St. Petersburg airport... nah, that'd be insufferably hipstersih.

Jack the Ripper: DNA analyst thinks he's got his man.

The most famous cold  case in history may have just been solved. I know, I know, "with a grain of salt" and all that, but still.

This is really fuggin' cool, even if it's just  an extremely well educated guess. I don't know, Kominski was never the most convincing suspect to me. But maybe this will encourage other theorists to use actual expatriation instead of speculation to prove their hypothesis. Though starting with your conclusion is kind of a huge problem too... 

Blue Ruin Review: I hear its best served cold.

I went into Blue Ruin cold... and a little buzzed. I knew it was a bit of a critic darling and I knew it was about bloody revenge. If you want to avoid spoilers, and I suggest you avoid spoilers, stop reading right now and Netflix it. If you enjoyed Breaking Bad at all, I know you'll at least like it.


Still not convinced? Lemmie break down the beginning for you. We see a homeless man breaking out of a small house naked, stealing clothes off a line (who has clothes lines anymore?) as he runs back to his beach campsite. A fabulously sh**y immobile sedan with a tarp propped up out of it like a tent. He seems innocent enough, likable, even. Is he in hiding? Is this what the villain of the piece winds up becoming in the story's aftermath? Nope. He's the "hero."

A man who's parents were killed by a small time Dixie mafia family after his dad fooled around with the crime boss's wife. But really, the back story is just a jumping off point. Blue Ruin is all about atmosphere and action first with character development second. Dwight is the only 3 dimensional character, and even then, most of that is because of Macon Blaire's gloriously subtle performance. He's so quiet and sweet, yet so broken and crazy. This is the kind of movie that character work would have only bogged down. This movie is all about the stealth attacks and stakeouts. A micro budget Die Hard that gives the best of the genre a damn good run for it's money.

It's impossible to explain why the stealth scenes are so good without absolutely ruining them. Blue Ruining them. So here's the deal: Indie atmosphere good. Acting good. Action good. Movie good.

Give it a shot.

One of my favorite comedians has written his thoughts on Robin Williams. And you should read it.

The first comedian I ever loved has said his piece on the first comedian I ever knew. It's wonderful stuff. Heavy, pitch dark, yet electrically charming. If you're still reeling from the man's death as I was, I think this will help. And if you're starved for a thoughtfully produced comedian roundtable podcast, I think this will help.

Bojack Horseman Review: Dark Horse Comic.

I gotta say, I did not expect to write a review about this. I only liked the show, usually I need a stronger reaction than that to get me tuh' writtin'. But the critical reaction being as tepid as it is, I feel the need to wade in amongst the "mehs" and shine a light on what this show does well. Which is plenty.

Will Arnett plays an anthropomorphic horse who's trajectory in the entertainment business went from struggling comedian, to long running sitcom lead in "Horsin' Around," to a solitary has-been who's self aware enough to want to change, but too much of a coward to do anything about it. Yeah, this show gets existential. Darkly so.

You can blink and miss 4 second gags about Bojack waving his hand over a stove top muttering "nothing on the outside, nothing on the inside" that are just fast enough to be funny, yet manage to add just a touch more character depth. Like the director just dropped an ice cube down your back. It's surprising in the moment, and it's funny in retrospect. But if he just held the ice to the back of your neck, it'd be painful. In some respects this method works a hell of a lot better than most straight dramas I've seen. Bojack does this again and again. It lured me into thinking it was another Mission Hill (the most thunderously boring animated series yet unleashed upon the world) but would routinely sneak in either clever anthropomorphized animal gags (maggot morticians, paparazzi birds, penguin publishers, middle aged women as lap dogs, a wolf in a bar wearing a t-shirt that just says SHEEP while hitting on one, I could go on... it's marvelous.)  or decent story beats and dialogue.

This is a show meant to be paused and savored.

The voice cast is talented enough that footage of the taping session would almost be enough for me. Seriously, where has Amy Sedaris been? If nothing else, her character guaranteed a Colbert cameo. But as Bojack's agent Princess Caroline (did you guess she's a cat?) she gets more depth in one season than Lois Griffin has had in 5. In fact, her boyfriend near the end of the season is my favorite running gag in a long time. Aaron Paul is, unfortunately, playing a slightly more well adjusted Jessie. But he plays it so well I didn't mind. And while most of the time the show struggles to find something for him to do, they usually pull it off. Just wait until "Boreanaz house" before passing judgment.

What else? Stanley Tucci is great as Bo's old showrunner/back stabbed best friend. Paul F. Tompkins tears it up as golden retriever, Mr. Peanut butter. He's dim, over eager, stupendously vain, yet you can't stop loving him. There is simply no better analogy for a dumb, pretty boy, actor than a golden retriever.  Which  brings us to Alison Brie's, Diane. As well as a great low key performance from her. There's not a lot to say about her barring spoilers, except she's Bo's ghostwriter as well as the near central source of conflict for the season. For those of you that think she could never really swim in the deep waters of mad men, I say that you should watch what she does here. A charming, three dimensional, love interest that could carry the show on her own.

Intellectually I can accept this show will be rule 34'd... but emotionally I cannot.

I don't think I'm overselling how damn good the acting is, but there are serious issues that hold it back. Small, but consistent things. It's true there's a lot in common with this and Californication, and in terms of basic structure I don't think it branched out enough. It's also true it never got a real "belly laugh" from me either. Just bemused snickering, not that it's a bad thing, I just wish it went for bigger laughs a few times.

But unlike Californication, where there must have been a clause in Duchovny's contract that forced his character to always be at least slightly badass, Bojack is allowed to be pathetic. It's depths of pathetication is the single most interesting thing the show does. The monologue at the end of episode 11 cut through me like butter. A passionate demand that the person on stage "like" him. Not "marry" him, not "love" him, just think highly enough about his capacity for humanity to simply enjoy being around him. It's a spectacular monologue. One that exempts this show from a low score entirely on it's own. It was more moving that anything Zach Braff has ever managed to cobble together... but that's not selling my point much, is it?  

Let me leave you with this. There's a lot in this show that have been done before as well as a few things in there that have been done to death. But what it does well (the acting, the story, the relatable existentialism) is so well done, by the end of the season I could barley notice the warts anymore. Remember how irritating it was on Family Guy when Brian would just unleash a diatribe or whiny monologue out of nowhere? Bojack Horseman is structured to earn those moments. It even writes them more coherently. Simply put, clinical depression has never been more entertaining. 

...That's praise.

Also I love the opener just... so much:

Mr. Stewart's Opus.

Remember last year when John Stewart left the Daily Show for the summer and made that movie? I've been trying to put it out of my mind for some time now. I the show and I love John Stewart. I feel like he's a pretty good judge of character and has a spectacularly minimal tolerance for bullshit. So I'd hate to see his heart break over all this.

I can't find the exact clip, but a few months ago I remember him just riffing off on how something you think is going to be pretty good, ends up being embarrassing. He was joking, but it was obvious that the post production prognosis did. Not. Look. Good.

No one really tries to make a bad movie, it just something that happens. Making anything that gets released is incredibly difficult. So the trailer for Rosewater was released and... I can see it. I can see  the inkling of grandiose hokyness (the last thing this story needs) in some of the lines.

But there's something else too. The lead is acting his ass off. The interrogator isn't some slobbering sub-human. I could see this being pretty good.

See for yourself:

The agony and the ecstasy of the getting the perfect entertainment system set up.

Apparently in some places internet can be set up over the phone! My new apartment complex is one such place. After hearing horror stories of my west coast friends dealing with Comcast, Time Warner was shockingly, shockingly, friendly and helpful. This was a refreshing change of pace from my simple internet life out in the sticks. Apparently being a stone's throw away from Duke University has it's perks... 

I've also been meaning to get back to the crackpot, but I've also been busy moving in/getting pimp slapped by Best Buy/Best Buy employees just doing their job. And I am just this close to a comfortable living room set up that's also physically attached to the monster PC in the other room.

You see, I pride myself on not being a dick neighbor, and last night while testing out my new TV with The Winter Soldier (at 11:00) I failed miserably. As soon as I heard the first angry out-of-bed foot stomp I knew I fu**ed up. I can change that. I want to change that. It should be stupefyingly simple to change that.

Not so.

Radio Shack had only half the parts I needed, the rest have to be ordered special. All to plug my PC into a TV in the next room and have headphone capability. It's taken an extra $80 and 6 trips to Best Buy and Radio Shack collectively. Granted half of that is negligence on my part, but I can't be the only person that wants this... can I? 

Yet seeing a maxed out Far Cry 3 at 1080p on a 32 inch screen for the first time makes up for all of it.

ALL OF IT.

And soon my rig can stay comfortably perched on my desk while I switch screens and furniture with ease.

The Crackpot has gone dark....

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to set up an internet connection at my new apartment. And while I know some of you out there can write novels on your damn i-phones, it's almost physically painful  for me.

I like my new digs though...

Rectify is... really damn good.

Apparently the Sundance channel is in on the shockingly good original series game. Something that just seems to be happening a lot lately. Outlander is getting some good press, it's production value is excellent, it's story is fun, it's cast uniformly excellent... but I don't know. In two episodes there have been at least 4 sultry "nurse the charming soldier back to health" scenes. They've been well done, but I know when I'm not the target audience, and that's ok.

It's really slow, too. Agonizingly slow.

But Rectify! That's what I'm here to talk about.  Remember Labor Day? That face-palmingly awful Jason Reitman movie where an escaped conflict is Jesus Christ? Rectify is like that if it was almost 100X more believable. And enjoyable.

Daniel has served 19 years on death row, sentenced when he was 18 to a Georgia prison. The tireless efforts of his sister have turned up inconclusive DNA evidence and released him from his cell. Though the local State senator made his career on the Holden case and he will be damned if it's overturned. It's pretty good stuff so far, but sprinkle in a stepfather that Daniel's mother married 9 years into his sentence, a teenage half brother, and the fact that you don't know if he's really innocent, and this becomes something far greater than the sum of it's parts.

It's no masterpiece... yet. But brother, it's the best southern drama I've seen in a good long while.

Netflix!!!!!!!!!!

Five Nights at Freddy's: Creepy-Pizza.

Why does a duck need any teeth, let alone two sets?! One of them looks awfully human...

There's something about age that can somehow make horror games... scarier. I think that's why Silent Hill 2 is still the de-facto masterpiece it is today. You can't make out much on the polygon count of 2002 era monsters and that's a good thing.

Five Night's at Freddy's looks like cheap, pre-rendered, shovelware from the late 90's and it's a pretty brilliant design choice, if you ask me. If you want to sell "cheap" and "other worldly" this art style nails it in spades. But what the hell is this game anyway? It's kind of a resource management affair. You can control a few light switches and two reinforced steel doors... but why would you need to control lights and two reinfroced steel doors? I'm getting to that.

You've been hired as a night watchman at a hellish Chuck e. Cheese rip off. You're are paid $120 a night to watch a bunch of animatronic animals on closed circuit tv...

You can see where this is going:

I think it looks great; if playing "weeping angels" with the inbreed homunculus offspring of everyone's favorite cheese eating rat sounds like it's worth $5 to you, I say pounce.

I'm Officially a Professional Journalist!

After a bit of a wait, I've finally been compensated for my work at Durham's Herald Sun. For the very first time, my English degree has produced tangible results! It does not suck, this feeling.

It does not suck.

Clockwork Empires is on Early Access.

Fish People!!!!

It may be buggy, it may crash every 15 minutes, I may not be able to save it yet, but it's so fuggin' charming I don't care. This game makes cult related cannibalism charming.  I'll let that sink in.

Metal Gear Solid V is coming to PC... wait, REALLY?! What the hell?

Kojima! What is this? What are you doing? ...Explain yourself.

And to STEAM no less. This is... stunning. Like Uncharted 4 showing up on my rig's doorstep next year. After the blow of the next Tomb Raider's timed XBOX exclusivity, I did not see this sh*t coming.

This was... is SONY's bread and butter. The '98 original put the PlayStation on the map and the 4th was the PS3's first killer app (sorry Resistance). Making it multi-platform was one thing, companies like Square have been hedging their bets like that since 2009. This IP isn't an unproven property, this is a console kingmaker. While I've always had a good chuckle at the bi-annual  "pc gaming is dead" articles, I had no idea the wind had turned so fiercely in it's favor.

In fact, this news sounds more like a nail in the coffin of the console wars than anything else. Or maybe this game was so ludicrously expensive (see Mr. Sutherland above) that hitting all AAA platforms at once is the only conceivable way of turning a profit.

That's actually really unsettling. I was hoping it was because Hideo really liked Half-Life.

Cosmos is on Netflix. You no longer have any excuse.

Did you know he was a wrestler? Like, a seriously bad ass college level wrestler?

Why is it that I can get through Blue Valentine and Schindler's List without a twitch of my eyelid, but Tyson's Cosmos has me all weepy? There's something deeply poetic about they way this mini series just... explains science that gives me what has to be a religious experience. While the last 5 episodes are a little dryer than the rest, what comes before is (in no uncertain terms) the most awe inspiring documentary I've ever seen.

I'd better stop now before this devolves into diatribe.

NETFLIX, HO!

The Knick Review: Artist in Residency

If there was one thing I truly loved about FX's Nip/Tuck it was the aggressively realistic portrayal of plastic surgery. A better depiction of the self destruction of vanity there has never been.  The only problem was, oh I don't know... the cartoonish hyper reality of everything else. It had me going for a while though, right up until the penis-less serial killer and his incestuous twin sister... you know what? I'm boring you. I'll move on.

Ever since then; I have waited for a show to seize the potential in the bloody reality of practicing medicine, and Cinemax's  "The Knick" has taken up the mantle with a coked up bewilderment that almost approaches a Gilliam joint. But yet it still remains rooted in it's 1900's reality, aggressively 80's synth soundtrack or no. The best thing I can say about the soundtrack is that it didn't annoy me and that's the highest praise I can give synth. But I'm getting sidetracked agian, what the hell is the Knick?

It's the Knickerbocker Hospital in New York and the show is centered around Clive Owen's Dr. Thackery as he tries in vain to advance medical knowledge to the point where people have a better chance in a ward than on the street. Something that has only started happening very recently. Thank god Thackery's got anesthetic, or else the opening (sorry) c-section scene would have been exponentially harder to watch. And this is hard to watch... but in the best way possible. There is real tension and horror in these sequences and they are of some of the best TV I've seen this year and I include The Leftovers in that pile. I should do a Leftovers review come to think of it...

But it wouldn't be a 2000's golden age drama without an anti-hero angle. So don't worry, Thackery isn't just a brilliant (artisanal) medical mind, he's also a coke addict who's closed almost every vein in his body. I'm thankfull we've already gotten the "fall from grace" angle out of the way already, but it would be nice to see a genius on TV or film that didn't have some crippling character flaw for the sake of it.

Either way, Owen's up to the task and towers over the rest of the cast. They're good, Andre Holland and Chris Sullivan, particularly. But no one is frankly well written enough to steal focus. At least not yet, anyway.

But I'd put up with miscasting for a look into this New York. Child labor, patient poaching, health inspector bribery, visual progress metaphors via the electrification of the hospital, it's the details that this period piece spends a majority of it's energy. It's time and resources well spent. Don't believe me? You can watch the pilot right now and then tell me off in the comments.

Move along people, no dramatic potential here...

Vigil Games Lives!

The scariest thing about Crytek's financial woes to me was the fate of my beloved Vigil games. From THQ's fallen empire to Crytek's sinking ship; the folks behind Darksiders (good game) and Darksiders 2 (damn near my favorite game) have become free agents once again as Gunfire games.

There are only seven people at Gunfire, so Darksiders 3 is absolutely out of the question for the time being. Though Nordic games, who snatched up the IP rights to DS at auction, have been vocal about continuing the quadrilogy and have spoken to gunfire about it. They are not interested and want to focus on some indie fare first. Though eventually they want to build to the scope of what made DS2 so great someday.

"Third-person, games with a lot of characters, adventure aspects, player progression, hunt cool bosses, fantastical creatures," "We have some ideas kicking around." -Director David Adams

Music to my ears, man. Just keep flying.

Guardians of the Galaxy Review: Knowhere Special.

Would you look at that! Chris Pratt is now box office gold, and you have no idea how happy that makes me. What's more, between this and the Lego Movie, he's been able to have his critical cake and eat it too. Nice, talented, guys can finish first and that just makes me smile. But enough about Pratt and how awesome he is, you're here to find out if that article title is snarky or not.

It isn't. I thought Guardians was fantastic, but the hype left a little to be desired. I thought the movie was good, but the exact amount of goodness it accomplished must be discussed. One; because this could be James Gunn coming into his own as a great pop directer, and two, because I haven't written anything in almost a week and I haven't written a review in god knows how long.

First things first, the very beginning was wonderful. The maudlin opening is a fickle and occasionally very powerful tool, and a scant few directors know how to pull it off. Spielberg can do it, JJ's done one pretty well, and I thought Gunn nailed it here. Plus, Greg Henry on the big screen! That put me in a great mood. And a random alien abduction notwithstanding, seeing a little boy deal with the death of his mother (an unrecognizable Laura Haddock) with coldness and anger was a great character choice.

Chris Pratt realizing he can write his own ticket.

The movie barely takes another breath before throwing you into ancient alien ruins, then into an antique shop on a futuristic "not-earth" run by Glenn Close, then into a dank space prison. All the while building character arcs and motivation for the five leads on the margins of some damn slick action scenes. The prison break has everything that the film does best all at once. It gives every character something to do and puts little personality beats within each task. It was a cracking screenplay juggling act you don't see every year. After that, the movie exhales and lets it's muffin top show a bit.

Before reaching the massive floating robot head/mining colony "Knowhere" I was down with a giant talking tree, manic bionic racoon, a hulking tattooed convict who literally takes everything literally, a green skinned assassin with crippling daddy issues, and a roguish dolt with crippling mommy issues (and a cassette with some sweet tunes). I was down with it. Everyone had creatively earned their keep. Except for Gamora, but despite being underwritten, Saldana positively oozes charisma and screen presence, so... B+. But now we had to let the supporting cast take over, sit through some exposition scenes, and feel generally let down after Thanos shows up and literally doesn't lift a finger.

The present's so bright...

Benicio Del Toro is sleeping walking through his 6 to 7 minutes and it's hard to blame him. There's a sadness in his eyes that speaks to a much meatier part in a different draft that existed before he signed the contract. But nonetheless, the collector's gallery is a visual orgy of Easter eggs and I had plenty to occupy myself while not noticing Del Torro chew the scenery. Oh, and speaking of scenery chewing!

Lee Pace has simply outdone himself with Ronan. He's feeling genocidal, has a giant hammer, is covered in chalky face paint tears, and... that's it. But Pace goes the opposite direction of Del Toro and gets as loud and as angry as he possibly can. I can see how some people didn't think much of it, but I appreciated how he turned a bad situation into a workout. Near the end he has a single comedic line and he kills it. Just... murders the hell out of it. It was the biggest laugh out of me in a movie that had already taken plenty.

Michael Rooker also manages to be a secondary power house as the guy who kidnapped Peter Quill in the beginning. There's a great father-son/Stockholm syndrome relationship between the two that winds up being much more interesting than the Quill/Gamora shipping scenes. But I actually liked those scenes too, even if they taste a little contrived.

In summation, this was a funny, affecting, and delightful space opera. The leads are all wonderfully cast, the writing only sputters in the middle( but I concede that drunk Rocket Raccoon was a legitimately moving middle scene... seriously), and it's generally as lovable as blockbusters get. This will be to 8 year olds what Men in Black was to me. A movie that will shock, amaze, and be watched over and over and over and over again.

You will believe a Raccoon. CAN. MURDER.