Borderlands 2: Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep Review.

"A grim-dark world that smells like death an' butts an' stuff."

I've said it  once and I'll say it again, fuggin' nobody does DLC like Gearbox. I've never understood why that is. Even when their DLC doesn't seem up to snuff, it's just because we're comparing it to the amazing standard they've set for themselves. Hammerlock's big game hunt wasn't amazing, but it was still fun, the final boss was brilliant in it's brevity, and you could have Werner Herzog passive aggressively comment on your hunting skill. 

In less than a year they've released a good 30 hours of extra content for Borderlands 2 and that is insane...I never understood what Skyrim's deal was. Wait, yes I did, that must have eaten up a good two DLC packs worth of time. So here we are, the season pass finale in which Tiny Tina plays dungeon master for a game of D&D with the original vault hunters. It was more than worth the wait.

If you never cared for TT's antics, then tough cookies, she's all over the place here. If you couldn't get enough of her adorable 90's hip hop slang (like me) you will cherish the six-ish hours you spend with her in the campaign, and this campaign is a trip. Gearbox went all out making brand new assets and re-skinning everything from the vending machines to the re-spawn checkpoints. They even went as far as to record setting appropriate banter for the previously mentioned vending machines and re-spawn cheackpoints. The checkpoints in particular made me chuckle more than once, "because perma-death runs are for weirdos." Delightful. Oh... and all new enemies. All of them. Did I forget to mention that?

Never before has there been such a radical shift in Pandora's bestiary than here, well actually that's not true. If I had to aline what this feels closest to in terms of their previous efforts I'd say Dragon Keep would be the happy medium between Zombie Island and General Knoxx. For those not in the know, those were easily the best parts of that entire game. Knoxx because this is the funniest and best written dlc episode (excluding the inspired addition of the character Mr. Torgue) and Zombie Island because it's a refreshing departure from BL2's usual setting and nearly all the enemies are melee based.

"That sentence had too many syllables, APOLOGIZE!"

This isn't a one two punch of a couple new monsters and something that shoots guns. There are skeletons, ka-nig-its, orcs, dwarves, and dragons...and mimics (Jesus, the mimics). While all the orcs need in terms of strategy is some fire, the skeletons (which you'll spend most of your time fighting) will throw your head shot method in the toilet. You see, their heads break when their health is halfway gone and panic will ensue.  So overall I'm pleased how differently this chapter plays out. The main quest line is pretty meaty and I like how a lot of the side quests are offered along the same route so you can double up on stuff to do without going too far out of your way.

But the most surprising thing about Dragon Keep is how it manages to keep the main story going. All previous DLC, while chronologically taking place after the end, were sideshows. The way in which the aftermath of the main game's finest hour (Where Angels Fear to Tread) is dealt with was unexpected. The cursory mention of Tina's friendship with Roland is now a central plot point and believe me when I say Tina has a surprisingly compelling prospective on who the real villain of BL2 was.

Cap that off with a touching denouement and Dragon Keep feels like the best stopping point this game has ever had. But they still leave their foot in the door for one LAST hurrah. But I don't care, if I have to wait another 2 and a half years for more Borderlands so be it. Lord knows they deserve a break.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all dead are created evil.

I have officially backed Armikrog, and lo, it was funded.

Wurd.

We did it! It's over and we can all take a collective sigh of relief. One day soon I'll have a brand spanking new copy of Armikrog kicking back in my steam library jamming out to Terry Taylor's latest additions to the already epic Imaginarium. Cuz' daddy needed that soundtrack, there was no way in hell I wasn't gonna find a way to get my hands on it. I'm just glad that prize was listed under $100...I may have bitten the bullet if came to that.

Anywho...Armikrog is backed! And I think I know the perfect song to fit the mood:

Crackpot Theory: Ellen Page has every right to be pissed.

Acting is a monstrously difficult gig and I'm not talking about the act of actually um...acting. I'm talking about the hair greying logistics of maintaining a career as a professional. Look at IMDB, they have this new "top 5000" thing above actor's names. That's about as many people who make a living at this at any given time, and that is a crushingly small window of opportunity. Being a pro requires talent, sure, but also an intense and unreliable alchemy to stay on top, and only the likes of Will Smith ever seem to crack the code.

But its luck mostly, complete random chance.  One minute you're a star on a hit TV show, the next you change your hair and the ratings go in the toilet. It's hard being an actor, job security does not exist. Your livelihood centers around a slot machine, essentially.

So when Ellen Page was asked about what she thought of the character Ellie in the Last of Us, she was not happy. "I guess I should be flattered that they ripped off my likeness, but I am actually acting in a video game called Beyond: Two Souls, so it was not appreciated."

Now, for someone who just finished one of the greatest story driven games ever made, these seem like harsh words. It sounds like an established movie star swatting down a competing artistic medium's leap towards mainstream acceptance. But she's not talking about The Last of Us. She's not ragging on it's gut wrenching prologue or it's difficult and original ending. She's talking about every actor's worst fear: being replaced, and she has every right to be pissed.

Think about it, every time someone looks for a "type" like a "Micheal Cera type" that's one more chance to be replaced by some one else, cheaper. Now the fact that Page is the lead in another Sony exclusive game dropping in October also makes for frustrating timing. It's like an award season where two movies with similar actors are up for best picture. To the laymen, the "Ellen Page game" could easily be The Last of Us, and confused messaging like that could hurt sales. It won't, but I can see her point of view in which The Last of Us is like following up The Social Network with Scott Pilgrim.

She's going out on a limb being in a video game. She is not a gamer and she may not have any idea what the pedigree of Naughty Dog means. At first blush it might seem to her like a callow attempt to steal her likeness, but Ellie has gone through several designs and is now decidedly less Page-esque in her final draft. She has since back tracked her words (which really weren't as harsh as people have made them out to be) and is now "looking forward" to playing Naughty Dog's prestige piece.

How much of that is her personal opinion and how much of that is PR spin from Sony, I don't want to know. But I hope she likes TLOU if she ever get around to it, and I hope Beyond Two Souls is the game Heavy Rain should have been. Preferably less tin eared in the localization department. That was not Philly.

Long story longer, image maintenance is essential to professional acting. Whoever said there's no such thing as bad publicity is a damn lunatic. It's hard enough controlling what comes out of your own mouth, let alone a cgi 14 year old who looks and sounds like you. The presence of Ellie in Page's career was an unknown, and what that game will do to Beyond's legacy is still unknown. And any unknown in the entertainment industry has a chance to be cataclysmic. 9 times out of 10 it isn't, but what if Ellie was prone to racial slurs? People who couldn't be bothered to parse the difference between her and Ashley Johnson would flood Page's twitter feed with deaf outrage. And sometimes that's all it takes.

So when another prominent non-gamer sounds like they're taking a swing at an undisputed masterpiece, stop, think, what are they really upset about?  And in the case of Ellie, maybe that non-gamer has a point.

That's some mighty fine "eye" acting right there.

Da Vinci's Demons Review: The Adventures of Young Leonardo Jones.

Ambidexterity is so a super power.  You and your heat vision.

Starz is quite the hit and miss premium network. They have shows that seem to hold together from a distance, but if you look too closely, creatively they appear strung together with chewing gum and chicken wire. I mean sure, Spartacus did not suck, but I never went out of my way for it, and having your lead get hit by cancer and die? That's just a bad hand all around, and they stuck with it without seeming weird or callus. 8 Simple Rules couldn't pull that off. They kept at it, is my point, and that kind of workmanship will pay off eventually.

Which brings me to David S. Goyer's  Da Vinci's Demons and how it sucker punched me into loving it.  It's good. It is just flat out, a "good" show. If you are sick of the two year long strip teases from BBC's Sherlock like I was, D.V.D. is a welcome and satisfying amuse bouche. That's french for surprisingly well written and acted sexy action-adventure-mystery I'm pretty sure.

And it is all of those things. I mean, this should crash and burn while being insulting and trivial, but it doesn't and it isn't. It's fun, witty, well paced, and it knows where it's going. It juggles court intrigue, warfare, screwball comedy, and even tomb raiding with a deft and well funded hand. Sure, some aspects work better than others most of the time, but they all earn enough merit for the over arching story to matter.

"You know you were like, 60, when we first met right?"

 "Shh! I can't focus on drawing Lucrezia's side boob when you talk to me!"

This could have been so many different shows, and the amount of ground it covers in 8 episodes is commendable on it's own. I mean, I don't believe Di Vinci was ever a Medici spy trying to con Vlad the Impaler, but that doesn't stop DVD from being awesome pretending he did. I'm glad I only know the broad strokes of Da Vinci's biography. Like how Nico didn't factor in until much later in his life and that's about it.

If you fancy yourself an expert on the man I bet you've already written off this liberally ridiculous piece of historical fiction. Like I said, I don't believe Da Vinci invented the camera obscura in the 1400's, but I love the way DVD lies to me... and he could have, if you don't think about it. Seriously, you shouldn't think too hard about the historical logistics and instead focus on what the show does well. Which is the story, the script, and the characters. Buckle up, because I'm about lick so many actor's boots right now:

Tom Riley:

A show is usually only as good as it's lead and Tom Riley brings the pain. He's funny, eccentric, endearingly over dramatic, and does his damnedest never to play the same trick twice. Though his finger twitching may grind on your nerves if you binge watch it. He's the literal renaissance man a show like this would need to stay afloat. And he steers the helm well, even when it enters more questionable waters. Remember when I said Count Dracula shows up? That's a perfect example. You believe the world around him because he does...or his character does, who knows? Maybe there's some nutty Danial Day Lewis method under his hood. I don't care how Riley does it, he's seriously giving Cumberbatch's Sherlock a run for his money.

Laura Haddock

This is a "premium" show, so they know there's a built in audience for over produced soft core porn. So yeah, if all you want out of her character is a sex scene every other episode (or at least some causal nudity) you're going to get your money's worth, whilst making me very sad. Yes, she's part of a love triangle, yes her character takes some time to really get off the ground , and yes... her plot twists get pretty out there. But it's fun and in her capable hands, its also much more convincing than it would be if preformed by someone who was (and I hate this term) "just another pretty face."

Once her character has room to breathe after getting nestled comfortably into the Medici-Papal land war conspiracy, she shines. Her face in the last shot of the penultimate episode is brilliant. It's so haggard, yet surprised. It's the face of someone who thought they had nothing left to loose and then looses so much more. Its difficult to talk about her arc without spoiling things so just know she's worth it. DVD could have survived without such a three dimensional female character, but it wouldn't have been half as rich.

Blake Ritson


 Every good story needs a villain and Ritson fits the roll like it was personally tailored for him. He plays the sword arm of the pope and he's not afraid to swing it. On the contrary, he's only too happy to oblige. He may seem to be the quiet, plotting, sociopath that's gotten a wee bit overexposed these days and for the most part he is. But like all the other actors above, they find subtext in the material that may, or may not, exist and mine it for all it's worth. He's a perfect foil for Da Vinci and watching them pace around each other out scheming each other's schemes is the highlight of this season. He's a character that exits for a few episodes, just when you think you're getting tired of him, so you can steel yourself for the next game of cat and mouse.  






Should you watch Da Vinvi's Demons? I say yes. Its one of the most pleasant surprises of the year, and among Goyer's best work. I love it precisely because its actually a lot better than Goyer's films in certain ways. I never knew he had such endearing characters in him judging from his past with Christopher Nolan. He helped make great films to be sure, but there aren't a whole lot of fleshed out characters in the Nolanverse. Because Starz has given such a talented feature writer room to breathe in TV land, they now have an extra check next to their name in my mental journal. And I know I'll be in front of the tube next year with bells on to see what happens to the gang that season. I hope to see some of you out there.

Why Douglas Tennaple's views on homosexuality are hurtful and why It doesn't change my opinion of his work.

Say it ain't so Doug.

So... *deep breath* remember how you felt when a personal hero turned out to be a lot different in reality than you'd imagined? While looking for material for my SAVE ARMIKROG article below, I came across something deeply troubling. A 2 year old article on GayGamer (an exceptionally well written site) covering a particularly nasty exchange between a homosexual individual and Mr. Tennaple on his blog. It's bad, it's...bad. I mean, he compares a homosexual relationship to a guy taking a dump in the ladies room. 

It's bad.

His work on The Neverhood changed me. It had me look at the interactive medium and made me want to "do that."  I didn't care what that meant at the time and the fire still burns. I once had a dream I was answering phones at the Insomniac Games branch twenty minutes from my home, and woke with a smile.

Usually rhetoric like that makes me angry, but now I'm just really really sad. It's one thing to be ideologically opposed to same sex marriage, it's another to be so mean about it. But you know what? He is in no position to stop any political ground gained on the movement and his work has never reflected any agenda of the sort. That is just what he believes and he is capable of producing worth while art divorced from those ideals.

So I find only my opinion of the man has changed and I'm still pleased as punch Armikrog is a thing that could happen. But now I'm just gonna... I'm... christ. I'm gonna make a drink and stare into the middle distance for a while.

This hurts.

Nintendo May Save Armikrog!

The Armikrog kickstarter is dying and I feel responsible. I know my $50 wouldn't have made much of a dent in their $300,000 deficit, but that doesn't mean I don't feel complicit in it's suffering. If ever there was a developer that earned a blind leap of faith from me, it's Douglas TenNaple.

Still, Polygon has broken the story that either way, Armikrog's ship may have come in. I'm not in the market for a Wii-U, but that doesn't mean I won't take back all the mud I've slung at their company in recent years. If they follow through, I will personally slobber all over Nintendo's ring. Because they would finally shine a mainstream spotlight on the progeny of The Neverhood. And that's something I've secretly always wanted. So keep on keepin' on, Pencil Test Studios. My fingers are crossed as tight as they possibly can.

So if you can, PLEASE GIVE.

Hannibal "Savoureux" Review: Chekhov's Fly Lure.

The board is set, the lines are drawn, the frame work of season 2 is now in place. Ladies and gents; Hannibal stuck the landing last night, deciding not to go with a shocking season end plot twist, but to subvert your expectations. This was a damn fine series of television and the most original detective procedural in over 6 years.  I couldn't have been happier with what I've seen and I prey to Bob that it finally finds an audience next year. Bob tells me I should stop doing that, but I think he secretly finds it flattering.

Ok, I'm sorry I made that fertility idol out of your old post-its. 

So to start, this season ends not with a surprise but with catharsis. Will's dreams of a dark foreboding elk finally make sense to him. Unfortunately his erratic and incredibly suspicious behavior  have put him on the wrong side of the law. Fishburne is once again aggravatingly grey in his role of Jack Crawford. He was the one that threw Will into the jaws of the el- ...um, lion, but he remains unapologetic about the quivering mess of a man Will has become. Thankfully Bloom is there to voice the audience's frustrations and rightfully call him out as the selfish dick he is. But Crawford's counter point about the lives Graham saved is still worth chewing over.

Lector himself sheds some crocodile tears in front of his therapist after hearing the news of Graham's alleged involvement in the copy cat killings. A frame job he meticulously and brilliantly devised. That creepy break-in scene a month ago that showed Lector fiddling with Will's fly lures? That comes screaming back in a forehead slapping "of course" kind of way. I can't wait to go back and pour over the other little details of Lector's plot to drive Will crazy.

So instead of collapsing from exhaustion, Hannibal looks to be rolling up its sleeves. I'm left with the optomistic impression that the best this show has to offer is yet to come. The smell coming from Living Dead Guy production's kitchen is delicious...but I probably shouldn't eat it.

Salut.

.