So it's been a while...

I have been reasonably busy the past week, what with a new night job and other nagging responsibilities... I kinda forgot about the crackpot. But no more! I guess I could talk about Netflix shows I'm trying to get into. Scandal is shaky, soapy, and ridiculous. But I can't shake the fact I kinda like it. In Bruges just popped up and I highly suggest you all watch it. It's both the funniest and most sympathetic performance of Colin Farrell's career. Plus he punches out Zeljko Ivanek. It's delightful.

Gaming wise I'm back on a self destructive Civilization bender. It's taken me almost 8 years but I've finally got one of these:

Weee!

I  managed to pull off a science victory on normal mode. I feel like I finally "get" Civilization. Again, it's taken me quite a few years to get here. Game after game of me stumbling around in the dark tripping over feature after feature and slowly figuring out what to do with it all. Diplomacy? the hell do I do with that? Why do I have so many spies? Why is my entire empire represented by a red frowny face? But I think I get it now, maybe in another 10 years I can give hard mode a spin.

Games for Windows Live is irritating even in death.

I hate GFWL. I've hated it ever since it made Fallout 3 run slowly, locked me out of dlc in Bioshock 2 seven times, and just generally acted like a fidgety piece of garbage designed by people who live in a place that just rains bandwidth. But thankfully Microsoft is finally driving a stake through it's desiccated corpse.

Good news right? Well it turns out all GFWL save games are encrypted... so all of your saves are going to get wiped. Three days after I got back into Arkham City, BAM! The 30 some-odd hours I put into it's riddler trophies and challenge rooms evaporated. I love that game, but there was no way I had the patience to go through all that again. Thankfully my save files were still there, but I'd have to do some coding back flips to get steam to read them again.

The wages of sin in pc gaming is hexadecimal... and death.

After a solid three hours trying to untangle GFWL's wires I had nothing. But the great thing about PC gaming is there's always someone more talented than you out there working on the same problem. That person's STEAM id was Andrew and he patched up my files good as new.

Thanks buddy. I won't forget this.

He's one of the good ones, folks.

Ubisoft's delay of Watchdogs hit em' hard.

According to a up and coming indie rag called The New York Times, Ubisoft's stock has plummeted by a quarter following the decision to delay the game Watchdogs for would could end up being six months.

I'm all for new franchises and taking your time to get them off the ground right, but to the public it seemed like copies of the game would be ready to ship in a couple weeks. They even offered bundles of the game for the new Xbox and PlayStation. Something is seriously wrong with this company and the market has already said as much.

The rift between production and marketing was fatally massive in this instance. The left hand didn't know the right hand was months behind schedule and the whole company is taking the hit. The thing is, if the game really is as good as I hope it is, (I've got the same wait and see stance I had with Beyond: Two Souls on it) no one in the gaming community will care.

Like most art, nobody remembers if something was late, just that it was good.

All is Lost is apparently one of, if not the best, movie of Robert Redford's career.

So why is this the first I'm hearing about it? There I was this morning on the lovely rotten tomatoes casually trying to remember what The World's End's box office was, and bam! A 93% film pops up that I've heard absolutely nothing about.

I pride myself on my nerdly fact checking ways. I'd like to think I have my ear to the ground with most things pertaining to news, movies, and games. In that order. I'd written Redford off years ago as his stint as a director dried up in the late 90's. He wasn't bad or anything, just not worth keeping an eye on. Now he's in a one man perfect storm with rave reviews? Shame on me, I guess.

Would you just look at that righteous crag? The man was born to be nautical.

Sleepy Hollow Episode 1-4 Review: The Most Lovable Kind of Bonkers.

Hand to god... this does not suck.

The first few minutes of the pilot were off putting. The haphazard conveniences that throw the main cast together was even harder to sit through. From the first time I heard about the show's premise I was out for blood. This was all so ridiculous, so stupid, why was I doing this to myself? I don't really know. I could have spent those three and a half hours somewhere much more productive, but I didn't. You know what? I didn't mind.

Sleepy Hollow knows exactly how silly it is, doesn't care, and makes the very best of a bewildering creative situation. It's pretty good. As funny as it is scary. Nothing on the level of someone like James Wan, but there are very good ideas behind the show's monsters. A resurrected witch whose skin smolders like ember. A Native American sand man that takes on all the properties of actual sand. A physical performance behind the headless horseman that is just so ludicrously bad ass I rewound almost every scene he's in at least once.

The show simply does not deserve the actors it has. Tom Minson as Ichabod Crane and Nicole Beharie as his sidekick... wait, that's not right. The roguishly handsome British lead is totally second fiddle to the black female sheriff. I kinda love that. They are both everything the show needs and more. They can talk about things like headless zombies and apocalyptic prophecy as if they almost believe it. But they nail the levity harder than most dramas do. Ichabod messing with a car's power windows in awe had me chuckling in spite of myself. 

The show speaks to the child in me. One that grew up on Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Goosebumps, and Power Rangers. Sleepy Hollow is the blackest possible sheep those shows could produce, with more than twice the budget of all of them put together. It's a pretty good time If you turn off the side of you that loves Breaking Bad and French New wave, pour a drink or two, rip open some pretzels, and curl up under your favorite blanket in the dark.

It ain't Fringe, it ain't even The Walking Dead, but it's not bad. And as a guy with a violent allergy towards reality TV; I'll take well acted and executed hokum over Toddlers in Tiaras any damn day of the week.

Can we talk about how much I missed Orlando Jones?

Frozen's snowman mascot continues to freak me the hell out.

I get the economics behind children's entertainment. I get why Avatar has all those cutesy hybrid animals. I get why every princess movie needs a Flounder or a Chip or that chameleon in Tangled (which in itself was kind of an awesome about face on what girls should keep as pets).

Which brings me to this... this, thing:

"A flash of lightning illuminated the object, and discovered its shape plainly to me; its gigantic stature, and the deformity of its aspect more hideous than belongs to humanity, instantly informed me that it was the wretch, the filthy daemon, to whom I had given life."

English Major!

It's design is so lazy, yet simultaneously overproduced. Looking at it is like staring the soulless bureaucracy of Disney filmmaking in the eyes and I don't like what I see. It feels like one half of the production just couldn't be bothered to give two sh*ts (design), and the other is pulling all their dead weight (everyone else). If I directed this I'd make sure Olaf was either the most visually intersting character in the film, or that he was barely in the trailer and had absolutely nothing to do with marketing material.

It's gentle swinging hips follow you around the lobby and it is all you will see when you close your eyes at night.

Shockingly, we don't live in a world where we can just wish ourselves to the helm of a new Disney property. But what I do get to do is watch from the sidelines slowly and ominously shaking my head while judging a book by it's cover. You know what kills me though? I like Josh Gad. I really really do. He deserves better than this forgettable, by committee, homunculus.

The Stanley Parable DEMO Review.

You may think it odd I would review a demonstration of a product, being that I haven't actually experienced said product and would literally be judging a book by it's sales pitch. But we aren't talking about books, we're talking about video games! So stop being silly.

I've played quite a few demos in my day, but never before has a demo actually failed to produce a demonstration. In the 15 to 17 hours I spent with the Stanley Parable demo (I couldn't see the sun so time was obviously meaningless) all I saw was a so called "narrator" falling over himself to impress upon me the worthiness of his product. An endeavor in which he failed most spectacularly.

I experienced nothing down there, absolutely nothing at all. No tantalizing foreshadowing, no dramatic irony, no existential guilt, not even a sliver of angst or regret. How dare a narrator tell me how to feel?! It was beyond insulting. Both intellectually and logically... and emotionally.
 
And almost physically.

Perhaps the narrator would be better served in a different vocation, one in which he is not so hilariously ill suited. I am not sure which, so don't yell at me. Just know that The Stanley Parable demo is a spectacular failure of both epic and prodigious proportions.

Now will someone PLEASE... tell me why I can't stop crying?

It's absolutely brilliant.

Frictional's SOMA has me wide awake.

Things have been a bit hectic for me lately. Not so much work related as resume and cover letter related... *sigh.* I've seriously considered calling this the Every Other Daily Crackpot. But back to business. I love horror. Correction: I love horror done right. Which means I'll see one foreign horror film every two years, and one American horror film every 6 years. That's the time it takes for the global film industry to get it right. I'm talkin' El Orfanato, the original Paranormal Activity, and The Conjuring. I love great horror, and I have little to no patience for chaff.

The greatest thing about the golden age of indie gaming has been a respectable return for the horror title. Starting with Amnesia, running through Slender, and all the way up to Outlast, the last few years have seen a much better track record in gaming than in film. You may know that Amnesia's devs didn't work on "A Machine for Pigs" and I've been dying to see what Frictional was up to in the mean time. Well... now we know.


                        

 Yup. I've got my wallet right here and... what's that? 2015!? 

Well, dang.

Oh yeah... Amalur wasn't half bad.

Maybe you've heard of Amalur a couple years back. Or maybe you heard about how it's publisher was run by (and into the ground) by pitcher legend Curt Schilling. The long, sad, story of 38 studios is worthy of several  posts and Monday morning quarterbacking. But that's not gonna happen just yet, because I'm pretty distracted by the one product they did manage to ship: KoA: Reckoning.

I played it for a good play through and a half about two years ago, thought it was ok, put it down and didn't touch it again until last Saturday. I'm having a ball. I now know how big it is (gargantuan) how good the story is (not very), how convincing the acting is (uniformly better than Skyrim's), and if certain crafting recipes snap the game's economy like a twig (you bet'cha).

Armed with my tapered expectations and a whole season of Superego running in the background, I was ready for what, if anything, held up. Almost everything did, surprisingly. It is a truly massive single player RPG with fun and fluid real time combat; as well as a rewarding leveling system that lets you mix and match the traditional thief, warrior, mage, fare. Not to mention a deep blacksmithing skill that let's you name all your stuff! I love crap like that. I've got a dagger named "Brutus's Brunt" and a frost staff called "The Witch's Spit." Love it.

But while I am skipping conversations and using fast travel as early and as often as I'm able, there is something that gives me pause. That is Grant Kirkhope's amazing score:

The publisher's tarnished reputation aside, this is absolutely worth your time. So what if the story is kind of a mess? So what if the last third becomes appallingly easy if you're even half invested in any crafting skill? It's beautiful, fun, and spectacularly well made. Plus, isn't it free for PS Plus users right now?

Come on, it straight up looks fun, admit it!

Gravity Review: Slipping the Surly Bonds of Hype

I want call this a science fiction epic, but I'm not sure that applies. I mean it technically is fiction, and about science, but there's nothing remotely fantastical about it. This could happen, we have the technology. In that sense a movie about a mining disaster is sci-fi. But enough abut that crap, I'm here to shout what you've already heard everywhere else, that gravity is amazing. That somewhere between 2001 and Die Hard is a masterpiece of dramatic tension and Newtonian physics. That you should choose to eat dinner afterwards, and that all the technical Oscars this year belong to it.

You will believe you're trapped in space. There wasn't a single moment I doubted where I was. The fact this movie used so much green screen you could make the argument it was an animated film is astonishing. You need to see it in IMAX, but if that's too rich for your blood, the 2D theater experience is almost just as good. That's right, I've seen it twice, it's that unique. That's the best part about Gravity, you've never truly seen anything like it. It's slavish commitment to the awkward physics of anti-gravity is absolute. You feel just as helpless as Dr. Stone, which reminds me of the other surprising thing about the film.

I would have bet money years ago that I'd never see an award caliber performance form Sandra Bullock. Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces, and I've paid good money for her films good and bad. But I see her getting another Oscar for this. Her character progression is phenomenal. A realistic reaction to the petrifying death sentence of her situation with a bad-ass streak that only get's stronger with time. Gravity's "all is lost" moment is hard to get a bead on at first because it seems like every other scene is an "all is lost" moment. But you'll know it when you see it, it's a performance so quietly heartbreaking, it earns floating anti-gravity tears. That's amazing, because that's ridiculous.

But I do have a bone to pick with wardrobe. I know this was an expensive movie to make and I don't want to wade into the gender politics required to make an $80 million movie with a female lead. I just don't think Bullock pulling a "Ripley" was necessary. Sure Cuaron does his damnedest to make it a visually metaphorical scene, but a panty shot is a panty shot and it's on the wrong side of voyeuristic.

You just want to reach through the screen and give her a hug.

That's a nit pick, I'll admit it, I'm usually the last person to complain about Sandra Bullock's legs. But even so, it's an easy scene to put out of your mind for the rest of the roller coaster ride. And buddy? It's intense. Even if you groan through all the banter and character development (Stone's back story is pretty clunky) the action beats and oxygen based ticking clocks are the new high water marks of dramatic tension on film. I've never heard an entire audience collectively gasp for breath before... it was priceless. If you're sick of the deafening cacophony of modern action scenes, know that the best bits of gravity take place in almost total silence. It's terrifying.

So do yourself a favor and dig your fingernails into an armrest for 90 minutes. This is the kind of film making that makes the tide rise. The kind of movie that makes everyone in the business try a little harder. It may not have the ponderous atmosphere of Kubrick's masterpiece, but I assure you he's beaming in his grave all the same.

Damon Lindelof's Mea Culpa.

I actively hate the last 10 years of M. Night Shyamalan's career. A shocking stance for a film critic to take, I know, but bear with me. He's just so aggressively set in his ways, so intrenched into his most irritating shortcomings as an artist. He cannot, and will not, take criticism. When the tide first started to turn against him after The Village (the last film of his I actually liked) what does he turn around and do? He casts himself in his next film as a prophet, whose critic is mauled by wolves.

It's crap like that which frustrate me the most. He's not a William Castle type, reveling in the shlock he makes with a knowing wink. No, he's a deluded hack who refuses to even address his issues, let alone attempt to fix them. Which brings me to Damon Lindelof. I think he's a talented writer who's earned his place at the table without being too mainstream. Aside from Prometheus, I think his career has been rock solid. But like M., he's got problems. He can get a story off the ground like a champ, but his landings are rocky at best. I didn't actively hate the Lost finale... but I could have waited a whole year for them to make a TV movie to get it right. Now that I think about it, that whole last season was a non starter. As soon as the temple showed up I crossed my arms and said "Sh*t. They're not wrapping up a damn thing." And they didn't. It wasn't the disaster many have claimed (did you see the crap they pulled on Dexter?!) But there was a ton of room for improvement.

The last couple years has shown a more defensive and bitter Damon who got increasingly irritable about answering, over and over, why he made the Lost ending suck. That would make any of us bitter "You know that business you helped start 8 years ago? Why did you suck at it so much?" Come on guys, we would all punch that dick in the face. So when Breaking Bad ended softly and satisfyingly (review inbound) Damon got this tweet: "Did you see that, Lindelof? That's how you end a show."

How did he respond? Brilliantly:


"I agreed to write this piece because I am deeply and unhealthily obsessed with finding ways to revisit the Lost finale and the maddening hurricane of s*** that has followed it, I am Walter White. Arrogant. Conceited. Selfish. Entitled. Looking for ways to blame everything and everyone but myself, even though it is perfectly clear the situation I find myself in is of my own making. And here's the worst part: I'm still naive enough to believe I can attain some level of redemption." 

"I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And I was really...I was alive."


Bravo, sir. And thank you for your humility. We did not deserve it, but you gave it anyway. I hope you grow as an artist from this, and that others will follow... I really liked Into Darkness, too. So there's that.

What I've been watchin'

Derek.

I, like most of you I'm assuming, cringed when you heard Ricky Gervais would be playing a mentally retarded man in a nursing home. I felt like his heart was in the right place, but I put it on the back burner for a week or two. That was a shame, because it's a soberingly honest show with nothing but love for the handicapped. Mentally or otherwise.

It doesn't make the character of Derek precious or anything. Like the criminally underrated "The Ringer"it shows the handicapped as they are. Not too dim, not too likable, just human. My biggest mistake was thinking it was a comedy, but like Orange is the New Black before it, I adjusted to how bleak it was going to be. The first five minutes felt like an entire episode, that's how draining it is. This is not a "curl up with a cup of tea before bed" kind of a deal, you gotta be ready to feel for the twilight years of your fellow man. Derek's sh*t is real, I guess we have Netlix to thank for that.

But that's not to say it isn't funny, hamster on a piano is gonna be stuck in my head for weeks, but it is more of a character piece. Karl Pilkington plays along as the caretaker the best he can. If you don't know the back story on the guy you may have no idea what I'm talking about. But watching the look behind his eyes that scream "I can't believe Ricky talked me into this" adds another extra layer that makes him even more strangely endearing. 

So... yeah, it's pretty damn good. Somber, but poignant. It's worth a shot.

GTA V Review: City of Anger.

What was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw the credits roll on the most lucrative intellectual property in history? "That was special." I did not think it lightly. Even after all the hype, all the money, and all the controversy, I still walked away with my jaw trailing on the ground behind me. Just a few hours in, I could see myself calling it one of the greatest games of all time. If you had told me someone had switched out a ps4 with my ps3 I would have believed you. It's the same feeling I had with Resident Evil 4 on my ol' ps2 back in the day, the feeling that this old console should not be able to pull off something so smooth and so gorgeous.

Technically it's the most impressive game I've ever played. The framerate is solid and even when it dips, it's never unplayable. The shadows are stark as well as refined and the draw distance is massive. As far as I'm concerned, 2K has a voodoo priest in residence. I mean, for a game that's actually bigger than most major cities, I don't think I ever noticed a single re-used asset. It seems like every street corner in Los Santos is unique and lovingly crafted. I got scared after a while. Because I thought to myself, "What if this is it? What if this never happens again? What if this is the tipping point!?" I was so impressed by GTA V I feared I'd never be that impressed again. In case you're wondering, that is the most positive compliment I have ever paid a video game and one I have seldom given to other art forms (HINT: I'm writing this hours away from the Breaking Bad finale).

But who or what is it all about? That's a good question, and after finishing the whole 35 hour affair, I'd say it's personally become an even better question. The game is centered around three playable career bank robbers from different sides of the track. Michael (who is the de facto lead because he gets the most screen time and development by far), pulled the "one last job" 9 years ago and is stewing miserably in his shmacy Beverly Hills mansion with his vacuous and resentful family. Franklin is sick of working in a two-bit car insurance repo scam and wants to get out of the Los Santos hood in every sense of the word. Trevor... Trevor is something else. The raging id of the GTA player made flesh, I don't want to ruin any more than that. He does not disappoint.

"These shoes... match right?"

The lead performances are phenomenal. From the monologue grandstanding to the ambient driving conversations. Just listening to Mike thanking a taxi service over the phone is somehow impressive. I believed he was really talking to someone. Mike, Frank, and Trevor will go down as three of the greatest characters in video game history. That's a guarantee at this point, but what is it you spend time with them doing?

I could type 3000 words solely explaining what you can do in this game. From bar hopping, to letter scrap collecting, to big foot hunting, to contract assassinations, to playing the stock market with the fallout of aforementioned assassinations... It's too much. It's literally too much. The side stuff is at least just as meaty as the 30 hour story. Bravo Rockstar, you pat yourself on the back, now.

"I can see the curvature of the earth form here!"  

Seriously, you can see the curvature of the earth in this game.

So the characters are great, the world is convincing, the bonus features are the size of most games, what's the story all about? If I had to pick the major themes, I'd say pride and masculinity. I'd like to go deeper than that, but on the whole there's not much in the character arc department. Not that it's a huge problem, it's just something you notice after putting the thing down for a few days. Moment to moment the story is interesting at worst, and riveting at best. The gossamer web of hubris and profanity that leads you through mass amounts of murder, theft, and terrorism is something you'll have a hard time looking away from.

This is, by a wide margin, the most entertaining GTA since we last left Los Santos in 2004. The mission variety and the four act breaking heists are evidence of a triple A dev at the top of their game. At first you think, "hmm, a yacht chase on the freeway... they'll totally run out of steam in 10 missions, you watch." And I did watch. For 50 more missions, they still had plenty of gas in the tank.

But the one thing you shouldn't do is pick at the story too much. Character motivation is often sacrificed at the alter of gameplay, and personally I'd rather have it that way. For (spoiler free) instance: there's a late game mission involving a car chase with a buttoned down accountant and a stolen macgufin. I'm not going to try to explain why said accountant is suddenly imbued with the skills of a career stunt driver; (this is friggn' GTA) but as soon as you're finished, the mission giver calls up and says "Sike! I had a copy of the macguffin the whole time!" Mike is fine with it. Even after all the grand heists and random Trevor-esque goofiness, I called bullsh*t out loud. So know that going in. Spectacular high water mark of open world gameplay this is, air tight crime fiction it ain't.

You need this for a heist. That's worth 60 bones right there, as far as I'm concerned.

It's worth mentioning I also had a bit of a drinking game going on during the cut scenes, every time someone starts yelling for no reason, crack a beer. I stopped at six beers and finished the game with a total score of almost 40. There is a metric ton of yelling in GTA V. I'm not sure what it means exactly, but know it's cup run'eth over with expletives and outdoor voices. For the sake of your health, do not take a shot every time you hear the N word. You will die halfway through the damn thing.

So anyway, the game is a steal at $100, but it's not all chocolate and rainbows. I had heard about how it was "appallingly sexist" going in, so I steeled myself for that. Even prepared, GTA V felt like a huge step backwards from IV. What happened to women like Michele or Torres? Hell, even Carl's sister from San Andreas! We know GTA is capable of better than the likes of Mike's wife, Franklin's aunt, or *shutter* Mary-Ann. It's troubling to think that when given all the time and money in the world, the writers barely came up with any women who acted like people. Except for Trevor's romance with an older woman... that was pretty great.

But seriously, my biggest problem isn't simply that Mike's daughter is a vapid nympho or that is his wife is a cuckolding shrew. Well, it's not just that. There are ways of making characters like Stacy Suxx entertaining and compelling, like this:

        


See? That was funny and it wasn't irritating at all. Stacy made my skin crawl every time she spoke. But with just a little more effort into her character, she could have been a highlight. It's when I see more forethought put into a shopping plaza that the player may never see, than into any of the single digit speaking female roles do I pull out the "S" word. The sexism word. The writing isn't malicious, this isn't Postal or anything, it's benign. It just doesn't care. They made compelling woman before, why do they need to do it again? It really, really, bothered me through the whole game.

Ahem. Sorry I got all ranty, but that had been bubbling up for a while. GTA V is a masterpiece, the likes of which we may never see again (for at least 4 years). This is a long, strange, trip everyone who plays video games needs to take at least once. This is now required reading, something that will be studied decades from now by anthropologists. A satirical snapshot of our zeitgeist frozen for future generations. They may not like everything they see, but they are going to have a fu**ing amazing time.

"...and you, chop, I'll miss you most of all."

Nope, nevermind. This is the Steam Controller:

What does it mean?!

Look at those thumb pads. Seems naked doesn't it? Like sub-woofers for your calluses. Just what are they trying to pull here? Hold on...


Oh! This is what they're trying to pull here:

 " A new generation of super-precise haptic feedback, employing dual linear resonant actuators. These small, strong, weighted electro-magnets are attached to each of the dual trackpads. They are capable of delivering a wide range of force and vibration, allowing precise control over frequency, amplitude, and direction of movement... 

...a vital channel of information to the player - delivering in-game information about speed, boundaries, thresholds, textures, action confirmations, or any other events about which game designers want players to be aware. It is a higher-bandwidth haptic information channel than exists in any other consumer product that we know of. As a parlour trick they can even play audio waveforms and function as speakers."  - Valve


See? I told you they looked like speakers. So this is what the linux of consoles will look like. As the OUYA goes down in flames (did anyone really think it had a chance?) Valve has the opportunity to swoop in and try to mop up anyone yet undecided or initially uninterested.

Besides, if it all goes belly up, it's not like the Steam store doesn't make a billion dollars annually. Here's some more pics in case your interest is at fever pique*. Mine certainly is.

God... when was the last time I played portal 2?

YBXA? That seems eerily familiar somehow.

 *Did you think that was cute? ...I thought it was cute.

The Steam Machine and You!

Three sentences. A metric frick-ton of questions.

So just what is Valve's new console and why should you care? I don't know, but I'm hoping by the time I stop typing I'll have a handle on it. You can watch if you want.


1.The Steam operating system, and Steam itself, is free. This is clearly a shot across Xbox Live's, with it's $60 yearly membership, bow.


2. Odds are it will be cheaper than either the PS4 or Xbox One. Think about it, I certainly will. Infamous 3 will weigh heavily on my conscience though...


3. It's controllers may be fabulously bonkers:

This is a patented prototype for a customizable controller by valve and I just love it so damn much. The first thing to go on my pad is that the sticks start to loose their accuracy. That might be a dick joke... I'm not sure. I'm also not sure if anyone knows that this is definitively the controller for the Steam Machine. Which is actually a perfect segway for number four.


4. Nobody knows what the hell this is going to be. But we do know 300 lucky listeners, uh... or applicants will get a free one if they promise to talk about it. Loudly, I'm assuming. I'll be interested to see if most of those go to the press. Scratch that, if any actually go to the press. That would be the kind of Willy Wonka moxie we've come to love from those folks.

So no, I'm still not sure what to tell you and your Steam Machine. But I am curious and I'm sure we'll know more than speculation soon enough.

If GTA V was Whiskey and I was a Duck...

Almost... there...

Sorry, that's a pretty esoteric blues reference, but it's the right one. The point is, I've been really busy with work and with play. GTA V has got me deep in it's clutches, more than any Rockstar game before it. I tried to get into IV (thought it was pretentious and boring) Red Dead (respected the hell out of it, couldn't like it as much as I wanted to) L.A. Noire (Los Angeles was almost entirely pointless), and now V.

It's every bit the masterpiece it's cracked up to be. I mean, from the medal awards for passing missions the right way, to the trio of spectacularly well acted leads, and the shockingly smooth frame rate... this ain't yo' grandpappie's Grand Theft Auto.

I've tasted the sights and sounds of Los Santo's 2013 face lift; as well as the seriously messed up gender politics of it's strip clubs, and now I'm shotgunning the main story so I can get a review up as quick as possible.
 
*Gulp*  I can do this.

Happy Birthday... Me.

Another year, another inch close to death! But seriously, It's nice to hear from family you hardly ever talk to wishing you well. At least they bother to keep up with that sort of thing, and honestly it's touching.

Today being the kind of day it is I'd be remiss if I didn't treat myself, so... I lucked out and got a unclaimed pre-order of GTA V. It's as good as they say. Sexist or no, I'm loving Franklin and whoever plays his partner. The script might let me down now and again, but the actors rarely do. I'm sure I'll find something to gripe about it the further I get into it, but right now I'm in the honeymoon phase and it. Is. Wonderful.

The Final Chapters of Breaking Bad will be Epic.

 That's me. That's my face during the entire run of Ozymandias the other night. Even... no, especially during the Charmin Bear ads. I'm not sure what I'm going to feel like after it all ends a week and a half from now, but I'm optimistic. This new message from part time producer Peter Gould gives me even more hope.

It all adds up to 15 minutes more running time for the last two installments. That's with commercials, so in TV land, they will be almost feature length. Usually I'm not one for long goodbyes. Sometimes the best thing for a TV show to do is to end on the studio's terms instead of protracted TV movies with diminishing returns. But like most everything Breaking Bad does, this seems like having your cake and eating it too. An extra 15 minutes each isn't going overboard and I'll be willing to bet it's absolutely necessary.

So to sum up my gut feeling about this:

GTA V, Polygon, and Sexism.

Just like the hoopla that boiled over when Polygon.com reviewed Dragon's Crown; a lengthy passage in their GTA V review on how the game's female characters are half baked and have no agency, has sparked another whirlwind discussion on video game gender politics.

The shocking thing is (unlike most comment wars) coherent arguments are heard from both sides. Perhaps a game as large as GTA V shouldn't have to cater tastefully to all genders and races. Perhaps if they couldn't have said anything nice about the opposite sex they shouldn't have said anything at all. I don't have to explain which side I come down on... I haven't played the game. But if it's this obvious to the writers at polygon, no doubt it would bother me if I played it. But more to the point, the comment section is good reading if you want to see the most civilized flame war I have ever seen.

Here.

Chipotle's "The Scarecrow"

I have complicated feelings about "organic farming." I would love for us all to return to a time when agriculture wasn't so cripplingly dependent on anti-biotics and where beef steers weren't packed so tight into pens they can't turn around. But a return to the mom and pop farms would mean an almost 40% decline in production and soaring food prices for everyone else. And even if chicken breast steroids are  stopped, there isn't a true alternatively humane way to butcher. 

But I think we can all agree Chipotle makes a damn fine burrito, and it's shockingly novel to see a major chain get behind a different way to produce food. Which brings me to the brilliant short film advertising their I-phone game, The Scarecrow. It's beautiful, impactful, propaganda and I mean that sincerely. I'd love to see another 74 minutes of this... and I'm sure the game is great too.

The Master Review: What can you do to a Drunken Sailor?

Paul. Thomas. Anderson. After seeing nearly all his films at least once, I still have no idea what to make of him. Is he a genius? I'm not sure. Is he overrated? Maybe just a little. Do I actually enjoy his work? ...No. But that doesn't mean he isn't a once in a generation auteur. His dedication to ponderous, epic, and original character studies is something I deeply respect. So you should defiantly check out The Master, but you'd better know exactly what you're getting into. 

I'm sure you've heard this is an "Anti-Scientology" movie. Hmmm, I'll get to that. Philip Seymour Hoffman is obviously playing a L. Ron Hubbard allegory, but that really isn't what this film focuses on. This is an anti-alcoholism film and in that regard it's one of the greatest ever made. Joaquin Phoenix's performance is terrifying. I was planning on having a beer or two to get through the middle, but I'll have trouble touching the stuff for weeks now. His Freddie Quell isn't played "drunk" he's played as a cripplingly dependent addict that happens to drink. I mean this guy is swiping medical grade rubbing alcohol off nurse's carts and mixing cocktails with paint thinner. Whenever the film focuses solely on Freddie's slow decent into homelessness, it's riveting. But here's the rub... that's only the first 20 minutes. Though it's a sublime 20 minutes.

Somewhere in between realism and broad satire you see the various jobs Freddie flits through after leaving the Navy. I didn't know whether I was supposed to think his self destructive misery was funny or not, but there is a point where you stop feeling sorry for him. He's dim, he's crazy, and he clearly doesn't belong on his own. Eventually he stows away on the eponymous master's boat, (first of many subtle Scientology tip offs) unsure with what Lancaster Dodd really wants from him. He claims it was his bathtub hootch recipes, but it's obvious a person like Dodd doesn't like letting go of people so easily..."influenced."

The plot never develops much more from there, you see a snippet of Freddie's life before the Navy, but the relationship between Freddie and Dodd kinda sits there, puttering around New York and Philadelphia. It becomes a fly on the wall scenario, striving to follow a more biographical structure than a traditional three acts. Everything that goes on is interesting by itself, but it sags when strung together. You watch a bunch of static characters scheme schemes that go nowhere for the remaining hour and a half.  

For a film that started off so aggressive and almost silly, the dry latter two thirds start to seem more and more disappointing. Dodd's wife and son-in-law hate having Freddie in their lives, but Dodd can't get enough of winding him up and watching him dance. Aside form the last ten minutes or so, I just described the entire movie. It's not that it fails in any obvious way, I wouldn't have been surprised if Phoenix walked off with the Oscar, it's just painfully predictable and repetitive.

Also, if you were expecting anything resembling a stance on Scientology you will be doubly disappointed. One dude meekly criticizing Dodd at a party does not a message make. It's impartial to the point of banality. Though there is a kind of Spinal Tap fall from grace thread running through the last half that I thought was cute, but that didn't happen to Scientology. Scientology only got more powerful and lucrative. So as a pure fiction there's nothing this movie says about cult worship that's new, but it does it in style. That's almost just as effective.

But I don't want any of you walking away thinking I said this is a bad film or even a failed experiment. It's impeccably crafted and like nothing you've seen outside of There Will Be Blood. If that's the sort of mood you're in, you'll love The Master... just don't go looking for a masterpiece. See? I could have made a really corny joke just then, I'm getter better.

Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them: The... MOVIE!

Subtext: Waner Bros. saw how much bank The Hobbit made.

So... we have a Harry Potter spin off in the works. Should I be surprised? No. Should I be angry or defiant? No. It could be good, I mean, would I rather see another young adult fantasy book series of merit given a chance? Sure, but to be fair, every other stab at that has ended in financial ruin.

But what exactly will this be about? Hogwarts with sexy vampires? You know they asked Rowling about that at least once. No, this will apparently follow Newt Scamander (amphibian puns!) and his zoological research that's compiled in his textbook. Not bad, certainly different. Apparently a more fleshed out vision of the singularly English wizard world we've already seen. But here's the kicker, Rowling is writing the screen play.

Her press release:

“It all started when Warner Bros. came to me with the suggestion of turning Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them into a film. I thought it was a fun idea, but the idea of seeing Newt Scamander, the supposed author of ‘Fantastic Beasts,’ realized by another writer was difficult. Having lived for so long in my fictional universe, I feel very protective of it and I already knew a lot about Newt. As hard-core Harry Potter fans will know, I liked him so much that I even married his grandson, Rolf, to one of my favourite characters from the Harry Potter series, Luna Lovegood.
As I considered Warners’ proposal, an idea took shape that I couldn’t dislodge. That is how I ended up pitching my own idea for a film to Warner Bros.”

 “Fantastic Beasts” will also be developed across the Studio’s video game, consumer products and digital initiatives businesses, including enhanced links with Pottermore.com, Rowling’s digital online experience built around the Harry Potter stories.”


You know what? I'm on board, this could be fun. 

...and that Cuckoo’s Calling stunt was Bad. Ass.

Eldritch: A Mincraftian Rouguelike from a Pair of Industry Veteran Super Twins!

I love me a good rouge-like, because apparently... I hate me. Give me the hair pulling and nail biting frustration of Dungeons of Dredmore, of The Binding of Isaac, of Dark Souls, and Eldritch. As the love child of David and J. Kyle Pittman, veterans of Bioshock 2 and both Borderlands, Look for a steam early access sometime at the end of September and a full release in October.

As a guy who stayed away from minecraft mainly because it looked more like a sand box than a game, I've always wanted to get into a something with that kind of aesthetic, where game play and challenge is king. Because it really has to be. I got high hopes for this one, and that trailer music is my jam.

Aww. It's like her pistol is a tea cup and she's pissing off her English friends.

 

Because she knows no one actually does that.

Crackpot Theory: 4 Reasons Why BBC's Misfits Doesn't Work.

They say you should never send a letter angry, that you should sleep on it first and see if you feel the same in the morning. I wouldn't call this article "angry" but it's really negative and I know a lot of folks out there love Misfits. I don't want it to seem like I'm taking the piss out of a critical darling to be a stand out and act contrarian. I ain't no Armond White, I just can't let critics continue to gloss over what, to me, are positively massive creative failures.

I have tried for years to get into BBC's teen superhero soap, Misfits. Everyone I know who's seen it thinks the world of it and I'm including professional critics in that lump. I had started watching it when it first popped up on hulu years ago. I devoured the first season, got a little ways into the second, and then stopped. Last weekend I gave it one more shot and I finished season 2. I finally realized why I had dropped it so suddenly all those years ago.  My relationship with Misfits is a lot like the one I had with Lost. I was perfectly entertained when I was watching it, but as time went on and I deconstructed what worked and what didn't, I became exponentially more frustrated with it.

It's not because I think it's "bad." Quite the opposite, it's a very accomplished show. The fact that they gave actors this young, this material, and they all nailed it, is incredible. It's a show worth watching for the acting and relationships alone. The way the it approaches teenage sexuality and drug use is both refreshing and original. They never make too much of a meal of either. They're kids, they have sex, they smoke pot, they take pills at raves, big whoop. I loved that about Misfits, it's why I don't mind it when someone says it's one of the greatest shows ever made, because these are the most honest teen relationships I've ever seen put on TV. Central character-wise, this show is wonderful... but there are deep, serious, problems with the other half. The hero half. The underwritten, appallingly sexist, nonsensical, and disappointing hero half.

1. The Donovan Conundrum:

"That's not how it works!"

You should never introduce a premise on your show that you don't have at least two good ideas for. Curtis got the power of time travel initially, but there was only one episode that really explored it. The writers created a world where time travel exists, where the entire cast knows Curtis can go back in time, but they only had one good story to tell. Being an ensemble show, this was easy to ignore for a while, but when tragedy struck (and it struck plenty), the entire cast turns to Curtis and does this. Every damn time they begged him to go back, and every damn time he would shrug his shoulders and give a bullsh*t excuse as to why the story had to develop. And it was bullsh*t. The characters even said so after a while, which meant the writers also knew it was bullsh*t. Eventually there comes a time where they have the opportunity to

SPOILER!!!!



(switch powers.)



END SPOILER.

And that was absolutely the right thing to do... but that was after almost two whole seasons of BS shrugging for the price of one pretty good time travel story.

2. Antonia Thomas is...

The RAPE-MAKER!

The black female lead's super power (again, initially) is that when any man touches her, they immediately want to rape her. It's... stunning. I mean, Jesus, at least the bad guys had to wrestle wonder woman's lasso away from her before she became a bondage fantasy. I was convinced the writers wouldn't have done this if they didn't have something to say about women in distress, but they don't. She uses it to wedge herself into the life of the guy she has a crush on and then whimpers about her powerlessness for the rest of the first season. Again, stunning. 

The saving grace is that Thomas owns the role and gives it a strength that couldn't have existed on the page. I'm sure if they cast an actor less talented than her they would have been raked over the coals by now, but seriously, I' m shocked they haven't already. Maybe there was a grand point they were trying to make, but the set piece it called for wasn't in the budget. I refuse to believe this character was left so ironically powerless and half baked on purpose. But for the first two seasons she was.

3. This Ain't Groundhog Day...

There was a movie in 1991 called Delirious. John Candy was a soap opera writer that wakes up inside the world he had written. Using his typewriter, he makes it exactly what he wants it to be, but is ultimately unsatisfied. It was not Candy's finest, but it serves as a great example of what can happen to a good premise with the wrong excecution. This is gonna get pretty dry, but bear with me.  

Two years later came Groundhog Day, a great example of a good premise perfectly executed. But why? What does Delirious have to do with Groundhog Day, and what does any of this have to do with Misfits? Character choices. Delirious falls apart because Candy's character forces beautiful women to fall in love with him while painfully inserting himself into an upper crust lifestyle that fits his character about as well as a black glove on O.J. Simpson. Wow, I really reached for that metaphor, but don't tell me it doesn't fit. I mean... it doesn't fit... screw it, moving on.

In Groundhog Day, the world was technically supernatural, but Murray fit in it. The world also had a srict set of rules that were easy to understand, yet they facilitated entertaining and original circumstances. Murray couldn't just wish himself rich, he had to memorize the perfect moment to walk off with an armored car's payload every day. It was funny, it made sense, it moved the story forward, and you'd never seen anything like it. This is one of the biggest problems with Misfits. It's story solutions are rarely, if ever, earned. They just sorta happen.

"Wait! So have you been doing this long, or are you just arbitrary story development?"

From day 2 the premise of Misfits starts to weigh it down. They all know they have powers, except for Nathan, and they all make a pact to stay in their community service position so they don't get scooped up by the government and tested on for the rest of their lives. That's also when they stop acting like they haven't experienced the greatest moment in the history of biology and start being themselves again. I don't have a problem with that set up; it's a comedy for the most part, and I shouldn't expect to take a show with invisible, mind reading, and time traveling rape-makers all that seriously.

But it isn't long before the show wants to be taken seriously. They start to whine about being not being noticed, or not being able to touch people, or not being able to fix all things they want to fix. Again, that's fine, but the guys never do anything about it. They never question why they have powers, or where they came from. They just putter around one off villains and various community service activities. The show becomes frustratingly inert and unfulfilling. Massive cults form out of nowhere, a man goes on a GTA style murder spree, dozens of other violent and public events occur. But hardly anything ever changes, and when they do, they happen immediately with no foreshadowing or consequence. They all reek of writer's block and desperation.

The beginning of season 2 tries to fix this, with a story arc of a mysterious parkouring urban ninja that wears the words deus ex machina on his sleeve. That arc is pretty entertaining and it gives the vastly superior second season a satisfying through line. But while it offers the illusion of the possibility he/she might reveal something (christ, anything)  about who, what, or why, the world has become what it's become... I can't really expalin what he/she does without being a spoiler. But know that it leads to another convenient, unforeshadowed, and un-earned writer's tool.

4. ...But It Could Have Been.

 

 Here Be Spoilers.

There's a reason I wrote this diatribe, it's because I care about Misfits. There is so much they got so right, it kills me to see so many amature mistakes being made over and over. But I would have kept my trap shut, if it wasn't for the second season's last 2 episodes, far and away the best of the series up to that point. I'm not going to harp on how easily the gang decides to join up with the talent agent and get famous after slavishly keeping to their pact of anonymity for so long (did I mention it was because they were wanted murderers?). Because it was about damn time the world reacted to people getting powers, and like Groundhog Day, it made sense while being funny.

The Lacto-kentic (milk mover) was a spectacular villain from top to bottom, I'm sure they got a BAFTA from his origin montage alone. He manages to be both funny and threatening, which is a crazy fine balance to master. If that was to be the finale, it would have been worth it and I would have been far more kind. Lacto dies here, which is a shame as he would have made a great arch villain if they'd found a way to stick with him. He could have formed a evil league of mediocre evil that would murder anyone with cooler powers than theirs, or something. But the BBC is notoriously fickle with renewing, believe me, I'm a Luther fan. So I can understand why they wanted to end it like that.

But it's the Christmas episode after that which bothers me. That's what drove me up a wall. That's why I'm bothering to write all this. The villain in it was a stroke of absolute genius. I was ready to take back everything I'd said. It was the perfect villain for the world of Misfits as well as one of the most ballsy condemnations of organized religion I've ever seen. Remember, this is a teen comedy, so that sucker punched me pretty hard.

But they kill him off after one episode. I was so confused and angry. I would have stuck with Misfits through thick and thin to see what that villain would be up to. He could have taken over the world and it would both be realistic as well as inspired black comedy. Of course that was also the episode where they played off the lead misfit (one of the best actors and most consistently entertaining character) and of course that's when I was done. I could only watch such a promising show shoot itslef in the foot so many times.

You should absolutely see Misfits if you want to see drek like mtv's teen wolf done right. But anyone who says it's one of the greatest shows of the last 10 years is an apologist at best. But don't just take my grousing at face value. Please, see for yourself