Thief Review: Lost in the Shadows

Going in, I really wanted to like Thief. I hadn't grown up on Garret's un-booted adventures in the 90's, and I had been absolutely starved for something to come along and give my next gen worthy EVGA 780 a workout. I had seen the critical writing on the wall and I didn't care. The textures looked gorgeous, the story seemed decent, and the animation so fluid it almost made me thirsty.

And you know what? For fits and starts Thief really lived up to it's potential. But (and there's going to be a lot of buts in this article) the whole experience left a sad, sour, taste in my mouth. Thief is a game that seems to have been reworked over and over and over again. Plot points are heavily telegraphed (like the mannequins) and yet have nothing to do with the story... ever.  Some levels have several tactics and methods open to you, while most barely have two. It seems like Thief is at least four different games that intersect and overlap near constantly, so why does it feel like the whole affair is only 3/4s complete?    

But I'm getting ahead of myself, I don't finish a 12 hour game if there's nothing interesting going on. And thankfully Thief's worst aspects don't show themselves until about halfway through. Stealing everything that isn't nailed down, and being constantly graded not just for achieving special in-mission objectives (put out all lights, don't knock out any guards, etc.) but how you play in general, makes Thief surprisingly addictive at first.

Seriously, the animation is glorious.

Every chapter is dripping with secrets and loot to grab, and while most critics thought the normal mode was too generous with it's cash flow, I thought it was just right. I even replayed the first few chapters over again to get a better score and shinier loot, even still, I was miles away from mastering perfect runs.

It's only when I reached beyond chapter 6 did things start to turn to ash in my mouth. The level design sags, and the plot becomes muddled and unconvincing. Repeating a hanging scene, only this time with peasants hanging guards, does not a compelling rebellion make. The game play does not change in the slightest when you have to deal with civilian mobs instead of coppers.

And there are some spec-tacularly creepy oil paintings to find. For whatever that's worth to you.

The spirit of the game deflates, like a giant parade balloon, slowly but inevitably. It was by the final cut scene when the whole thing sank around my face. After that, it all started to make sense. You hear about the wretched conditions of AAA development; but rarely do the horror stories of Team Bondi's three year crunch cycle, or Trendy Entertainment's creepy man child director seem to sink into the game itself.

Thief began to feel like a cry for help. As if it figured out it wasn't going to be a worthy successor halfway through and began to beg for death. The last cut scene is so bizzare and anti-climatic, it's like a metaphor for a dev team throwing down their tools and walking out. Which was honestly a shame, because the last boss fight? It was a pretty great stealth based finale.

So no, I did not like the overall feel of Thief and you should probably wait for a steep discount if you are any where near curious. That being said, all lot of things do work. The missions in which you find curios for a traveling freak show are all head and shoulders above most of the main chapters. And I found the acting to be pretty damn professional overall. I didn't run across any major bugs, just some audio splicing, and the whole thing was maxed out at a solid 60 fps. At the very least it was good to know AC IV was an isolated incident. That thing just ran like garbage. 

So Thief didn't manage to steal my heart... just my attention for a while.

Hannibal's viewership is growing

 

Which is great, because you will not find better body horror anywhere else. Seriously, the first 3 episodes this season alone have some of the most spectacularly grotesque corpse displays I have ever seen. 

Sure it's pulpy and sure it takes place in a world where every tenth person is an drastically different serial killer. But that doesn't mean it isn't gorgeously photographed and decently acted. So here, watch this promo, I'm going to bed.

Source.

It's like I never left.

Those turtle dudes ain't so tough. What's From gonna do? Throw 4 or 5 of them at me at onc- OH DEAR GOD, WHY !?

I'm absolutely satisfied with everything I've seen Dark Souls 2 doing so far. The atmosphere and enemy design is as scrumptious and eerie as ever. Never going for the easy blood/gore horror, strictly necrosis and eldritch stuff. I can see nothing has changed for the worse.

Well... the whole "loose 5% of your health every time you die which can only be reversed by an item so rare and expensive it's only helpful to people who have memorized the damn wiki" thing is starting to bug me. But it's probably a balance measure to let them pull off my absolute favorite thing about the sequel so far.

The fact that enemies will die for good! ...Eventually!

 Killed all those annoying grunts on the way to that boss that keeps swatting you away like so many hollow mayflies more than 10 times? Well after that, they're gone. I've often thought the worst thing about Dark Souls isn't it's crushing demand for all your attention and concentration at all times, it's the monotony. The 10 kill mark is the perfect time for a grunt to bow out, because it was never feasible to level grind anyway. And I was getting really sick of some of those zombie/knight's faces.

Anywho, I'm off to to let Puffy-McCfloaterson kill me again. See you tomorrow!

Thanks Kotaku! ...One of these days Puffy. One of these days.

Dark Souls 2 is so hard...

You died.

It broke my damn controller. I was all over the place today trying to figure out why my DS character would go into uncontrollable seizures whenever more than one enemy was trying to kill him. "Your controller's broken, dumbass" was the subtext to Namco's silence in response to my tweet for help. And that was my first thought too.

But I popped in The Last of Us, ran through the power plant fight without a hitch, re-installed DS 2, realized that didn't change a thing, wiped a solitary tear of defeat from my cheek, and slinked back to Best Buy for an exchange. They were sold out. Good news for Namco, bad news for my wallet. Though since nobody else in town seemed to have one either, they offered me a cash refund. Best Buy did that, I sh*t thee not. No double store credit for this guy!

And if this were say... Thief, I'd have taken the money and ran. But this is Dark Souls, and I can't say no to it, because we never set up a safe word. So after a little more experimenting, I noticed I was getting the same problem in the PS3 menu now. Great! It was just breaking slowly! All I needed was a replacement. So after $120 I can let DS 2 metaphorically shove my face into a belt sander in peace.

And you know what the saddest part of this is? I'm getting the Steam version the second it hits the net. I'm seriously not this sh**ty with money, like, 99.6% of the time. Honest.

True Detective Season 1 Review: No Mask? No Mask!

When a show comes down the pike staring the kind of actors that TD had, it's easy to let expectations get the better of you. I can't say I was staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for it to premiere. But come on, Woody Harrelson and Mathew Mcconaughey as antagonistic homicide partners? There was no way in hell I wasn't going to watch it all, whether I liked it or not. And I can safely say after the first hour I was definitely staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for the next chapter of True Detective.

This was the best police procedural I've seen in a decade, maybe ever. Not just for what it did; reversing the buddy cop dynamic, heavily referencing 19th century horror stories, and having one of the all time greatest extended shots put to screen. But I'm more impressed about what TD didn't do. The central killer isn't some insidious mastermind toying with Rust and Marty, there is no humongous plot twist that changes everything you thought was true about the case, and everything you really need to know is laid out after three episodes. It was a "by the numbers" murder mystery. Which isn't to say it wasn't interesting, or even worse, predictable. But after years and years of the diminishing returns of genre reinventions, it was simply refreshing not to be f&*ked with. Artistically speaking.

"Oh, sorta like Blair Witch?" No. THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT, BETTER, THING ...EMILY.

I've always felt that there's nothing wrong with being formulaic, only that mediocre talent is more drawn to it. True Detective was formulaic as hell, so why is every TV critic going nuts over it? Because it's formula done so well, it feels original. It revels in archetypes instead of stock characters, freewheeling metaphysical monologues instead of gruff musings of what kind of hero the city needs, and lets the bitter reality of actual murder case conviction rates sink in. I'd love to expand on "real" convictions but I've already said way too much.

But really; the reason you're going to watch TD, and the reason it's going to hold up years from now, is because of Woody and Mathew. They're at the best I've ever seen them (and I saw The Dallas Buyers Club). They don't reinvent the noir detective wheel, but their combined screen presence and the staggering number of different ways they can make their faces look haggard is nothing less than hypnotizing. I'd always wondered if the best and brightest of film actors could hold up on a television series. Would it break ground in terms of excellence? Or would you just be sick to death of them? In TD's case, it's the latter. The both of them ran a marathon and finished first. I can't imagine myself saying the same of Nicholas Cage.

 Venturing outside the two of them, the record's a bit spottier. Michelle Monaghan is great in the role of a cop wife (see again, my thoughts on the noir wheel) but that doesn't mean she fits on the show. It's set in Louisiana and most of the actors try to have an accent. Rust is supposed to be from Texas/Alaska, so Mathew gets a pass on his drawl, but Monaghan can't crack it. It's not as if there aren't people in rural LS. without an accent, but it feels like scenes with her take place in a different show entirely. A damn good show, to be fair. The way she facially hides her smoldering anger away form her children is award worthy. But in terms of the mood and flow of the investigation half, Marty's home life just doesn't gel.

"What? Like none of your little friend's dads don't stagger around their houses with neat whiskey."

And in case you're wondering if the show passes the Bechdel test... no. Not even close. The women in TD (aside from the Q&A sit downs) can be filed neatly into virgin and whore categories. That isn't to say the show doesn't have some pretty thought provoking points to make about the virgin-whore dichotomy. But they're more of a self aware lampshade instead of a serious attempt at some kind of critique.

That aside, something that really stuck with me, and will probably stick with the next season (which will reboot like American Horror Story) is that the show's reality is a "flat circle." That time will repeat itself again and again. This isn't Rust being a loopy dorm room philosopher... well it isn't just that. It's the mantra for the show itself. That the killer's victims will be victims again, and that Rust will metaphorically chase after him and stop him only after it's to late. Again.

You know who has the time and money for a CGI owl almost no one will ever notice? I'll give you a hint, it's not TV...

The show revels in the nihilism that police can only stop murderers but not murder. That after all the pain and suffering that came from "Carcosa," simply solving the case and throwing the perp behind bars doesn't really change anything.

The reason this show is destined for greatness instead of another "life sucks and then you die" noir mystery, is that it tries so hard to find the meaning of life past all the violence and horror. Finding the "stars against the night" to borrow an image from the finale. That fact I took all this soapbox prattling at at face value is the best evidence I can provide of True Detective's conviction and competence. You will buy into this world, and even if some bits and pieces feel contrived at times, you will at least acknowledge what everyone else sees in it.

And you will burn to know who the Yellow King is just as badly. I promise you.

Bob's Burgers is moving...

...but it's not their fault.

I have gazed upon the stick of truth...

Meet Clyde "New Kid-Douchebag" Parrish.

... and I saw that it was good. More than good. Take a big sigh of relief guys, the year of re-tooling was totally worth it. Polygon gave it an 8.5, IGN a 90. They're saying it only lasts about 10-12 hours, which bums me out. But it's really hard to be mad at a game that lets me be Facebook friends with Officer Barbrady. I mean... when was the last time he was even on the show? It feels like years.

I'm barely an hour into it and already I've seen some pretty deep cuts from the South Park bag of inside jokes. I don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say that no other game in history has had this much fun with their sellable junk and Cartman's mom's room is just... perfect.

The combat itself is based off the Super Mario RPG style of rhythm based attacking and blocking, which I love. Both in the case of superstar saga and the stick of truth. It's surprisingly deep and I've already died once so far on Normal. That never happened to me in superstar, but then again, I don't think Nintendo would be on board with a protagonist everyone defautly calls "douchebag."So you know, you're not in Kansas anymore. You in Colorado, bitches!

So if you really wanted an interactive South Park, you probably already bought it. If you were on the fence? Get it. Just... get it. You get to hear what Cartman thinks of you if your black player character chooses the warrior class. That was worth money to me at least.

Why yes, this is the inside of Tom's Rhinoplasty. And no, I didn't know Stan's mom worked there either.

Dark Souls 2's PC release pokes through the clouds.

Update! April 25 is confirmed.

April 25. A good 6 weeks removed from the console date. Can't say I'm too thrilled about that, but maybe I should just be happy it's coming here at all. And they still beat the Amazon's place holder date by a month and then some.

But what's this? Namco still won't officially confirm this is the date!? I'm all for being thorough after the embarrassment of the last port. But I want a straight answer yesterday, whether it's what I want to hear or not. I won't wait forever for a version of Dark Souls 2 running at a silky smooth 60 frames... but I will wait a month or two.

Hannibal Season 2 is Nigh. So... very, VERY, nigh!!!

It's tonight at 10, eastern. I should be off work by then. I will MAKE myself off work by then, consarnit!

Bill Watterson's First Original Cartoon in over 19 Years.

See that? Gives me chills. I don't feel like I have to explain just how a big a deal this is for C&H fans and cartoon lovers alike. Watterson quit while he was ahead nearly two decades ago and never looked back. So not only did a documentary about the end of newspaper comics snag an interview, but he liked it so much he drew the damn poster!

It bears mentioning that the kickstarted film Dear Mr. Watterson, which did little else except talk about how great he is... which he is, couldn't even get a proverbial autograph. So this is a big deal even for the documentary crowd. It's own list of credits can't seem to believe it. But I do! I'm gonna camp out near my local indie theater with bells on... what's that? You're only screening in Southern California?

Well would you look at that? Bill Watterson found a way to break my heart a second time. But this time by proxy.

So Thief isn't... AMAZING, but I like it well enough.

So you've probably heard the Thief reboot is pretty mediocre, and it is. The mission design is narrow, it's attempt at an open world is more tedious than engrossing, and the fact there are only 8 main story heists feels pretty light. But I like it. The acting is solid, the animation fluid and professional, and grabbing all those shiny, shiny, letter openers doesn't get old. At least not yet. Hitman Absolution had turned me off twice as much as Thief has in 4 hours. I don't know why, but there it is. I'm pretty confidant I'm gonna finish it and possibly tool around with some custom difficulty options. Which, considering the lack of free time I have these days, is an endorsement in of itself.   

Is the Thief reboot really that bad?

Because the word on the street is that all it will steal is your money... not your heart, sadly.

I've had my eye on this little number for some time. I've been dying for a pseudo "next-gen" game to give my shiny new evga 780 a workout. AC IV was not that game. The frame rates were all over the damn place. Constantly fluctuating and frequently cut in half. It didn't help that the game itself was a plodding, grindy, affair with just enough flashes of inspiration to make me believe it could have been the best Creed yet. It takes a supernaturally powerful kind of boredom to make me uninstall a 20 gig game before I even finished it. But I swear if I heard Derby Ram one more time, I was going to vomit.

...and I really liked that song too.

So I looked to EIDOS to give me what I wanted. Thief looked to be exactly that. Lord knows I loved Dishonored, and played the ever loving crap out of it. But it didn't take long for a snooty PC gamer like me to take in it's graphical bouquet like an asshole party guest that scoffs at your taste in wine a little too loudly. Dishonored began to look worse and worse. It was clearly made on a budget and for the xbox from the ground up. In other words, a game from 2009 that found it's way into 2012, an eternity in game years. I realized I didn't like Dishonored half as much as I wanted Dishonored 2. Sooner rather than later. Thief would hopefully scratch that itch.

But the sky's gone dark on the critical front. Mostly 7's and 6's on the consoles (a death-knell essentially) but the PC is fairing a little better. A smooth 60 fps can do wonders for the critical eye, but even then, the nay's far out number the halfhearted aye's.

I've per-ordered the sucker anyway. The fact Lords of Shadow 2 doesn't have any published reviews yet, reinforces those nasty rumors I talked about earlier. And there hasn't been a substantial AAA release in months. I'll take Thief's port in this particular storm... and it's not as if I haven't gone on to genuinely love critical punching bags before. 

A Most Serious Post.

I wanted to wax poetic about the proletarian plight of the Ukraine's underclass that could very well boil over into civil war.


But then I saw Benedict Cumberbatch crawling around the floor in poka-dot jammies.

I'm only human. So here's a "making of" from the last Hobbit movie. Chew on that while I try to stop laughing so hard. It's just... I can't... The facial capture pictures alone...

Well THR isn't gonna let me embed. So hop over there, giving their advertisers some love, and I'll leave you with this:

There are no words for how this makes me feel.

Rumors of the first Lords of Shadow 2 review are out... and they are NOT positive.

Well... damn.

 LOS was the rare action adventure in the vein of God of War and Devil May Cry that was actually too long. That used to be the biggest problem I had with those games. Just when you thought you were warming up, Boom! it's over. But did LOS wear out it's welcome and then some. Whatever good there was in that game (and there was a fair piece) was choked to death by all the padding and fat.

But I couldn't wait to see what game Mercurysteam would make next, because for all my problems with the game as a whole, the individual pieces of it were undeniably well crafted. But now we come to the rumors of GI's as of yet, unpublished, review. The gist of it is withering. Directionless, overproduced, sound and fury type stuff.

While I'd wait until an aggregate viewpoint to really make a decision on a purchase... I'm sure as hell not pre-ordering.

Risk of Rain Review: It's quietly spectacular.

I am a glutton for digital punishment. I just can't seem to get enough of dem' rouge-likes. The way I see it, it's a slightly cheaper way to mainline my risk-reward endorphins than video poker. The genre has absolutely busted out on the indie scene these last few years. From Dungeons of Dredmor's ability to make every single line of text at least kind of funny (seriously, their listed system requirements used to demand you duct tape tin foil around your processor and pray to your chosen higher power. Steam used to be cool about that.), to The Binding of Issac's artistic fine line of being simultaneously adorable as well as creepy as all f#4k. There is so much more to RLs these days than simply perma-death and procedural generation. In other words, even in the indie scene, you'd really have to raise your game to stand out.

Confused? Good. Now read the difficulty setting in the top corner.

A two man student dev team (Paul Morse and Duncan Drummond) should not be able to raise that game. But I'm here to say that not only did they raise it right, that sucker graduated with honors. But to be fair, it takes a good while to see what makes RoR so special, not to mention at least 2 dozen deaths. The game play first appears to be a jumbled mess. You find power ups, enemies pop in, you shoot them, boss fight. There doesn't seem to be much to it. And if that's the opinion you walk away with from this game, you just weren't playing it right. There's a lot more depth to running and gunning then it seems.

You have 4 abilities with which to kill. Some are evasive, some are for crowd control, some don't seem to have much use at all. But the trick to figuring out the right moments to use them, is the trick to how the whole game works. Because once RoR clicks? It. Clicks. Hard. You will fall as madly in love with it as I have. Figured out how the commando works? Well you just unlocked 3 different characters on your last run and you are going to spend hours getting to know those characters just as well.

The depth of the character classes is mirrored by it's loot and bestiary. Where the Binding of Issac's power ups were unbalanced or pointless, all the loot in RoR feels at least like a small step forward. Because everything you come across, a vial that gives you an permanent extra hit point for every enemy you kill, or a can of gasoline that leaves a trail of fire behind you, or a ukelele that gives your bullets electric damage, stacks. If you find that power up again, that effect gets stronger. Suffice it to say, the only feeling better than finding your favorite power up, is finding it twice.

The monsters you mow down seem dull at first. Small, pixel-y, and repetitive. But when you start breaking out of the first couple of levels, the wide world of RoR's monsters opens up, and it is sub-stantial.  I also started to notice more nuance in the pixel art and more personality in the animation the longer I spent mowing them down. But this sure as hell isn't an art show, they are trying to kill you... and they are very, very, good at it.

I haven't even brought up the soundtrack yet. I godamn love it. I bought it off of band camp after only playing for 2 hours. It's a killer pot sweetener in a deal that already had me where it wanted me. It strikes a sense of mood and foreboding without sacrificing theme construction or sick nasty base solos.

Mr. Christodoulou? I'm sorry for copy/pasting your name.

So Risk of Rain is my new fix. If you love peeling back layer after layer of a hostile alien world with a "I just died and lost everything, but I'm totally going back in there" can-do spirit, Risk of Rain will send you over the moon.

Irrational Games "as we know it" is shutting down.

I just got sucker punched by the news that the team behind the original Bioshock and my game of the year, is laying off the majority of it's staff and "changing focus." According to Ken Levine himself, the studio is

 “winding down Irrational Games as [we] know it. I’ll be starting a smaller, more entrepreneurial endeavor at Take-Two. That is going to mean parting ways with all but about fifteen members of the Irrational team. There’s no great way to lay people off, and our first concern is to make sure that the people who are leaving have as much support as we can give them during this transition.”

It's sadly not an uncommon occurrence that a developer that makes a big budget AAA game that sells well, gets sh*t canned by their publisher anyway. At least it sounds like Irrational is riding off into the sunset on their own terms. It feels more like Levine is fed up with the multi-million dollar budget environment and wants to go smaller. Rather than 2K being miffed they don't have Call of Duty sales numbers. I'll take solace in that. Infinite really felt like a definite ending for the Bioshock series anyway. Sort of a "just try squeezing a sequel out of this one, I dare you." kind of an ending. I guess I should have seen it coming.

At least I have the next Fallout to look forward to!*




* Wait, what?! God... DAMNIT Bethesda!.

Here's the first 15 minutes of The South Park RPG

I love South Park. Think a lot of you guys out there love it too. I also happen to have enjoyed quite a few turn-based RPGs in my day. So the news two years ago that not only were Parker and Stone throwing their whole creative weight behind a turn based rpg set in South Park AND that it was being developed by the guys behind my favorite game ever, made me pleased as champagne spiked punch.

But a lot happened in two years. First their publisher went bankrupt, then their new publisher wasn't remotely pleased with they had bought, leading to a delay of more than a year. But I can, and have, waited. Now I have 15 minutes of game play to sate me until  March 4. Where, baring radioactive reviews, I will pony up $60. Because honestly, if you woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me what the perfect licensed game would be... It'd be a lot like the Stick of Truth.

Rick and Morty is a Runaway Hit.

And it honestly should be. Not only is this the best new show Adult Swim has had in over 10 years, it's one of the best animated series I've ever seen. At 6 episodes I feel like they've covered more ground, character-wise, than family guy did in 6 seasons. I've been past simply "liking it," I'm in the re-watching and studying phase. Because as far as I'm concerned, the only show I've loved like this so soon out of the gate, is Firefly.

Yup, I'm one of those. But I'm not going to get into a hissy "firefly still totally holds up" rant. We're here for Rick and Morty. Not only was each episode somehow better than the last, but it looks like the financial side of a Dan Harmon production is bearing fruit too. It's outpacing Archer and almost everything on the big 4 networks. That means it's the most popular thing on Cartoon Network in general.

Suffice it to say, it couldn't have happened to a better show.

Bullet Point Teaser: My Game of the Year: Bioshock Infinite.

 I've re-written this so many times I've had dreams about it. So I'm teasing my main points now so you know where I'm coming from before I feel better about them in paragraph form.

I feel like I should almost apologize. I feel like I just confessed something both embarrassing and philistine. No serious critic anywhere except Neoseeker thinks it is. So I feel like my decision is misguided at best and contrarian at worst. But no, no game last year grabbed me so hard and held on for so long. This was the same year as The Last of Us and GTA V, so I wish that I was just being a dick about this. I wish I could convince myself to say what I'm about to say in regards to the other front runners. BSI was the most original and important game of the year. I hope I can convince you why I think that is. 

1. It's opening 30 minutes were absolutely magical.

2. It positively nailed both cultist indoctrination and genuine faith.  

3. It's use of racial tension was braver and more insightful than a lot of critics bothered to analyze (why yes, those were fight'n words.)

4. I actually liked the shooting... I mean BS2's was deeper, but come on guys.

5. Courtnee Draper got the grand flourishes and subtle nuances of Elizabeth's character down perfectly. 

6.The DE-makes of modern music were as well made as they were fascinating story points.

7. Choosing to loose focus on Colombia in the 3rd act was a mistake...

8. ...But the character study it became was still pretty damn interesting. 

9. I played Infinite for well over 80 hours. I don't know what that means, but it can't mean nothing.

10. Burial at Sea made the Rapture lover in me purr like a kitten.

11. I know I will still play this game at least 5 more times.

The Lego Movie Review: An Immaculate Construction.

It's that good, people. Lord and Miller have done it again. For the third time in a row, they have taken an idea that has no right being tolerable, and made it awesome. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs should have been a soulless, by-the-numbers, shanking of a beloved children's book that's barely 20 pages long.

But I loved it's manic energy, genuine pathos, and masterful comic timing so much... I think an 87% isn't nearly high enough. Though to be fair it was an 80% 5 years ago, good to know some folks recanted. And while I thought 21 Jump Street was a bit of a step backwards in terms of story telling for them, it was still funny as hell. The funniest movie of that year by far. And it's worth pointing out that it bites the hand the feeds both frequently and viciously. But it's done so carefully it's disguised as a winking nudge. But it isn't. 21-JS was a film that despised it's own reason for existing. But that wouldn't stop it from being the best little reboot it could possibly be. That in-itself would have been enough for my seal of approval. Regardless of the ironically inclusive hipster bullies, Ellie Kemper's adorably horny chemistry teacher, and Jonah Hill singing show tunes on speed.

They even show up for 5 seconds as Superman and uh... that other guy.

So yeah, I've been following these guys for a while now. I didn't know what to expect from The Lego Movie for years, and suddenly I saw Rotten Tomatoes drowning in gleefully rave reviews. I was pumped, provided I got off work early enough, I thought I'd catch a really late show to A. finally see what this "darkly meta" 3rd act twist was all about and B. feel like less of a creep seeing it without any kids in the audience. Believe it or not, there were quite a few 6 year olds at a 10:50 show. So now you know that.

But even with all the hype and after devouring all the trailers and clips, I still have to say that nearly everything about this movie was awesome. Sure, almost all the best jokes are in the marketing material. Sure, I figured out the twist a third of the way through. Sure, I may not want to sit through it again just yet. But I'll say this, it earned all the hype it's got.

This was pretty much my expression for a solid 100 minutes.

Our unassuming hero is a construction worker named Emmet. A perfectly normal guy, who hides his crippling loneliness under a cheerfully aggressive need to constantly "follow the instructions." There's instructions for everything in Brickburg. From brushing your teeth, to greeting the day, to nonchalantly referencing last night's hit sitcom to your co-workers. He believes that if he follows them closely enough, everyone will like him. Or at the very least... someone might like him. But no, nobody likes Emmet. He's just too normal. But soon he stumbles upon an ancient relic known only as the "piece of resistance" and becomes the most interesting, most important, and most intelligent person who has ever lived: "The Special." Only he and a rag tag army of fellow master builders can take on President Lord-Business and avert a world wide apocalyptic event called T.A.C.O.S. Tuesday. The S is silent.

It's worth pointing out that the fact a film like this could get middling reviews is a minor miracle. This should be a po-faced, by-comitee, feature length commercial. And yet it's an absolute joy. Everything in the film is made out of legos. The ocean, water droplets, fire, smoke plumes, explosions, and hair flips. All Lego, all the time. It's glorious. The voice work is solid across the board. Elizabeth Banks and Chris Pratt are both delights, no surprise there. Allison Brie plays something called a "uni-kitty" Charlie Day killed me just by manically screaming the word "Spaceship!" and Nick Offerman is a pirate. If you're still not sold, then you clearly had your sense of humor surgically removed for some sort of elective frowning prosthetic and are now well beyond my help.

But if you were worried Morgan Freeman would stick out a little too much surrounded by these golden idols of comedy... yeah. You were half right. But the other half? The other half is just so damn funny it makes his stunt casting seem like a long con. I wouldn't put it past the directors if that were the case.

If you think the LA critic intelligentsia are just drinking a bunch of PR Kool-aide, you're wrong. If you think the rest of us are just chiming in on what all the cool kids are talking about, you're wrong. The Lego Movie is a heartfelt, achingly funny, celebration of a child's imagination. If you remember what you saw in your head when you played with legos back in the day, you're gonna have a blast. Just try not to think too hard about the studio politics that put the trailer for Morgan Freeman's new nature doc right in front of it.

So don't uh... don't think about it! Look, Motorcycle!

Tom Hiddleston to Star in Highrise.

What's that? You say I haven't updated my blog in almost a week? You're saying I promised a GOTY article about Bioshock Infinite? Tough noogies, I'm talking about this now. And on a unrelated note, I'm really sorry.

But Highrise sounds really good. A cross breed between Elysium and Die Hard. Also Tom Hiddleston. The film is an adaptation to JG Ballard's 1975 novel about a self sufficient Highrise apartment building that is so comfortable and contained, that no one ever leaves. All is well until electric issues upset the shaky peace between the lower and upper floors (OBVIOUSLY NOT A METAPHOR OF ANY KIND, no sir) and the battle begins.

I haven't read the novel yet, that's going to change, but I have high hopes for this one. We are long over due for this generation's Sweeny Todd.

Parks and Rec, Ann & Chris Review: That could have been the end.

There's a crane shot at the end of this that got me more than anything in this episode did. A crane shot that shows Ann's neighborhood connecting to the rest of Pawnee Indiana. I know this show isn't filmed on location. I know that most of it is really in Los Angeles on a sound stage. But now I'm biting my lip because a CGI'd shot made Pawnee just a little more real. And I'm surprised how much that actually means to me.

Yes, Rashida Jones and Rob Lowe have left Parks and Rec. And yes there was a lot of single shot goodbye scenes, a lame "perfect gift" subplot, and Leslie freaking out over not having everything for her last Perkins party. But it all worked. A lesser show would have crumbled under the sentimentality. It's a credit to P&R's savant-like ability to simultaneously subvert and improve upon genre conventions that the "goodbye Chris and Ann" episode is only very good instead of disappointingly saccharine.

That being said, I'd be perfectly happy if that were the end. Just like how Breaking Bad's finale didn't have to be (and wasn't) it's best episode, Chris and Ann did it's job with style. Calling back to why Leslie and Ann met in the first place, to Andy and Ann's first one on one relationship conversation in what feels like seasons.

It's also worth saying that Ron's goodbye was absolutely priceless, I didn't think Jones could emote like that, which brings me to one of my sharper bones to pick with other P&R fans. ANN WAS NEVER HALF AS BORING AS YOU WANTED HER TO BE. Sorry, I get defensive when fans start picking on a Jonah for no reason. In the case of many fan's opinions, Ann was the show's weakest link. I clearly couldn't disagree more. If ya'll really want to complain about a character that has been irritatingly one note from ep. 1 Then let's talk about Aubrey Plaza.

But then I'd still disagree, because the staff always knew how to write for her, Jones's character was never so lucky. Was she going to be Leslie's bestie? It took a while for them to figure it out. Was she going to ever be on the inside of Pawnee's municipal government? That also took years. Even a writing staff on a show as good as P&R lets things fall through the cracks and more often than not, Ann got the short shrift.

But I always felt Jones nailed the "straight man" role and her recent pregnant rants "Let's talk about vomit, kids!" last week were golden. So if you were planning a "good riddance" post or something, I'd choose your wording carefully. Was it Ann the character that bothered you, or Jones's performance?

At any rate, I'm super proud of P&R right now. If you've been keeping score, there have been at least 3 solid possible finale episodes. Leslie's election, Leslie's wedding, and Ann's goodbye could all have been it. If I had to pick one, it would be Ann and Chris. That's how good it will make you feel.

100% unprocessed awesomesauce.

Burial at Sea episode 2 reveal... also Sly Cooper's a movie now. For better or worse.

It's been a long wait, but Irrational is finally lifting the veil on their final touches for Bioshock Infinite. I like what I see. But this is literally the opening scene, so if you don't want to be spoiled, avert your "virgin eyes"

Also Sly Cooper has a teaser trailer for their upcoming movie... and it's not what you'd hoped.

It's competent, well animated, and there's a spark of the game's wit buried underneath it all. But there's something missing besides McConnell's theme. Sly wouldn't say "keep your shell on" is what I'm getting at. It's like they needed a spoon fed catch phrase or something. But who knows? I've notoriously hated Pixar trailers before. This could be good.

So Sleppy Hollow ended... wierdly.

Apparently Fox's Sleepy Hollow is already over. Apparently a show about an undead Ichabod Crane endeavoring to stop the four horsemen of the apocalypse with the help of a predominantly African American lead cast wasn't worth a "back 9."

But that's ok. It was a really fun show with good actors having a good time with goofy material played just straight enough to make it work. Except the finale, which was just the last two episodes burned off. Why? I don't know, it's rating were solid. But to be perfectly honest, they were weak tea. Not for lack of trying though. The acting from Beharie and Minson was chipper as always, but the budget and the writing seemed to let the production down quite a bit. I had flashbacks to being force fed ancient Stargate episodes by my old roomate in Washington's tomb. Not that my roomate and I actually hung out in Washington's tomb I... never mind. It felt like there were grander plans for the story that weren't fiscally possible. I mean, you start talking about a zombie General Washington and instead we got a free mason crypt made out of foam rubber. That smacks of a producer edit.

But what did end up saving the show for me was it's cliff hanger twist. For a show like this, I didn't expect it's lore to cut that deep. So if you've been paying attention, a lot of story threads come together in the end. Also we'll definitely be seeing more of John Noble, so yay.

YAY.

All in all, not a great finale. But come next fall with a fresh direction and a war chest full of fx funds, I'll definitely be watching.

Where the hell have I been?

I've been procrastinating is what. Yes, I still don't like my Bioshock Infinite article. Why yes, my game of the year is BIOSHOCK INFINITE. I don't want to get into it yet, believe me, half of my article is defensive pleading. That's kinda why it's taken me so long.

Now other things have caught my interest. Things like Dark Souls 2:

 Isn't it cute how it tries to set up a story, then it's all "F$%k it. You want bosses?! Here's your damn bosses!"

Am I head over heels for this series. After throwing down Demon Souls in a rage 4 years ago, and shamefully cheating my way past my first 2 playthroughs of Dark Souls (I've got at least 4 finished characters now) I'm in love. I get it now. I have atoned for my cheating ways and bent DS backwards and forwards since February of last year. I'm in deep, is what I'm saying. That game lit up the risk/reward part of my brain like a damn forest fire and I'd be lying if I said 2 wasn't fulfilling some kind of chemical fix. So whenever it comes to PC (they said late march, but you sure won't see me holding my breath) I'd throw down for the $120 special edition if it was the only one left in stock.

...I did mention the chemical addiction part right?

Now for TV, and the triumphant return of Hannibal!

That was... words can't... how the hell is this on network TV?!

This was the biggest and most pleasant surprise of last year. If you pressed me, and if it wasn't for Breaking Bad's graceful landing, I would have said it was the best show of last year. Certainly the best police procedural in almost a decade. Between this and True Detective my cup runneth over for stylized cop dramas with perfect casting. 

So that's what I've been thinking about. I'll try not to be so forgetful next time, here on the every-other daily crackpot.

Still trying to get my #1 article straight.

 

As far as I can tell, absolutely no one else thinks my choice is the game of the year. I'm not trying to be contrarian, I'm not trying to stand out from all the other blog spot sites that average upwards of 4 bounces a day. It's honestly my favorite game I've played this year and I just hope my defense makes sense to people willing to give my ramblings a chance.

It's taken a solid week and a half already. This has been fun...

#2 The Last of Us

You saw this one coming huh? Well too bad, it's the best game Naughty Dog's ever made, and one of the bravest AAA games period. Just think, how many games have you played that were a bald faced tragedy? Except a couple of silent hills and other horror titles, most story games have essentially "happy" endings. And while I wouldn't call the ending of The Last of Us "sad" it uh... it is something.

It's the little things that endear me the most to TLU. Ellie's jokes and guitar riffs. Joel's reminiscence on super models, coffee shops, and sexy werewolf movies. Like precious few games before it, TLU is deadly serious about being a character piece. It commits from the first cut scene until the last one 14 some-odd hours later. It certainly doesn't hurt that the game itself is a refreshingly intense stealth/survival mash up, either.

It's not the best I've played, it sure as hell doesn't have to be. But the quality of the game play mixed with the master class of acting and story telling, creates an experience critics will cite for at least 15 more years. What I mean is; if TLU was a movie, even if you hate apocalypse fiction, you'd still have to admit it was a pretty good movie. But like Gone Home, the act of playing through the game (searching for ammo, frantically slapping together a nail board, knifing a fungus zombie in the neck) builds a kind of connection to Joel and Ellie only interactivity can provide.

It becomes powerful stuff. Even when I met new characters and cynically pointed out that they were "gonna die" with a half chewed twizzler sticking out of my mouth, I still stood up and yelled when they finally bit it. That's the sign of great art. When you know what's coming, but you get taken for a ride anyway.

Just like I know Luke's never going to eat all those eggs, and just like I know Ralston's never gonna get through the last nerve on his arm, I know I'm going to love The Last of Us for as long as I love video games.

#3 Gone Home

Gone Home should be a lot of things. It should be that thing that game critics prop up because it's in vogue and I should probably resent it for that. I know all the cool critics are talking about Gone Home and Papers Please, but you know what? They should be. They are both great experiments in what the interactive experience is capable of. If you read my work, seeing this game on my list should be no surprise as I'm quite the obvious little feminist.

But what's personally surprising to me is why I haven't put this game further up the list, and there's a couple reasons for that, but I'd like to talk about what GH means to me first. I'm proud something like this exists. The processes of rooting through your childhood home, trying to find what your sister has been up too while you've been away, adds something a novelization of the story couldn't. That fact alone opens a Pandora's box of possibility. But the fact the story is good on it's own, helps shout down it's more ignorant critics.

I don't want to break down the story, not enough people have played it yet. But following the breadcrumb trail of your sister's first love is a standout experience in a year with some notable interactive stories.

But why isn't this #1 for me? Well... as much as I loved GH, it's the equivalent of a short film. Don't think I'm holding it's length against it, far from it. But there's a reason short films don't win Oscars, because there's some major indie trappings that rubbed me the wrong way. Namely, the actor that plays your sister, Sam.

She's good... but inert. Often the visual clues of the environment seemed at odds with the performance I was listening to. There were several foreboding references to suicide (that Ophelia poster, for one) and other things that should have really brought Sam down. But all I seemed to hear from her was a tone that always sounded like "Dear diary, I'm in love!"

If she was able to shift gears a little I would have definitely put this up higher. But here we are, with a great game, instead of a masterpiece. Not a lick of shame in that. Bravo, Fullbright Co. And godspeed.

GAME OF THE YEAR 2013: #4 GTA V

You know you're getting older when you don't finish every game you buy. There's at least 7 games in my Steam profile I've barely clocked 20 minutes into. I'm only 3 missions away from finishing Assasin's Creed 4 but...  good lord I couldn't be bothered. That being said, I finished GTA V. No small feat for a guy that couldn't do the same for IV. It was great. I find all the praise heaped upon it fair, a solid journey from start to meandering finish. I loved every second I spent with it.

Unfortunately, absence made my heart grow far less fonder. The more time I tried to give a damn about gold medals, spaceship parts, and starting a whole new game; the less and less I started to want to play it. The blinding sheen of one of the most meticulously constructed games ever made began to wear off  for me, I didn't like what I was beginning to see.

Again, unfortunately everything negative heaped upon it was fair as well. The story was a mess, the female characters both sparse and spectacularly one dimensional, and the basic mechanics of fast traveling were purposefully restricted to cab calling alone. Collectively I spent hours waiting for cabs in GTA V, but that's not even close to the reason the bloom fell so dramatically off the rose for me.

In fact, I'm not exactly sure there's a specific reason I can point to, except I could tell you sitting through the cut scenes a second time around became torturous. Playing missions again became painfully tedious. Having the chance to really pick at core of each central character's motivation just killed it for me. At the end of the day, they make no goddamned sense. Though a fine acting job was done by all, it must be said.

There's something deeply hollow about the game for me now. I'll never forget how entranced I was at the start, but I've moved on. It's a similar feeling I have for Tomb Raider, it's actually the reason Tomb Raider isn't #5. I would have covered too much of the same territory. I loved both games to pieces at first... but I'd need a gun to my head to plow through them a second time.

But for all my pissing and moaning, this is the best GTA in ten years and one of the best of the generation. I begrudge not a single GOTY throw it's way.

Still figuring out my game of the year

This is a pretty political year for the goty. Is GTA V a undisputed masterpiece, or a janky by-the-numbers affair propped up by good acting? Is The Last of Us the greatest story ever told in a video game, or does it borrow too heavily from apocalypse fiction to be held under that much scrutiny? And what of Bioshock Infinite? The tide turned so harshly against that game after all the perfect reviews, I've nary seen it on top five lists, let alone best of the year.

I'm thinking long and hard on this one. There won't be any "just because" rationality from me. I'm gonna try to narrow down what I appreciate the most out of these. So I'll count down my top four to try to get you in my head space, to let you understand why these games show up where they do and why I enjoyed them personally.

I have a pretty good feeling what my #1 is gonna be. And I have a feeling y'all aren't gonna be happy with it. So gear up.

IMDB is down! I repeat, IMDB is down!

Update: aaaaaaaand it's back.

As of right now, not a single film's page at the internet movie data base is accessible and I've got the trivia addict shakes already. How else am I going to prove that Stephen Tobolowsky has been in every single film ever made, thus proving the existence of 4th dimensional beings?! Am I going to have to make a web of newspaper clippings and yarn like a crazy person?! That's just silly.

So for the foreseeable future, you're not going to be able to figure out who that guy was in that thing, and trust me when I say I feel for you. But, you can keep refreshing the page to see how many cute 500 error pages they have.



Spoiler alert: There are many.

A Tale of Two Roguelikes

The 2013 winter sale is at it's end, and what a sale it's been. I've got several brand new games half off, hand delivered to my hard drive and I still have a tank full of gas, no less. A damn good deal from where I'm sitting. But when it comes to Steam's achingly addictive blow out sales, I tend to learn something new about my gaming habits every year. Two years ago it was that if it's under ten bucks, there's a 25% I'll open it once and never touch it again. Last year it was that I love Civ V... but I will never rise above normal difficulty. Ever. This year I've come to realize that I will never not love Roguelikes.

It started with The Binding of Isaac and Dredmor, both wonderful games, and both played into living death by yours truly. Both absolutely worth your time, and both well under five bucks. I'll give you two to three weeks to savor and appreciate both their intricacies and difficulty. Ready?!!

GO!

And while I'm making demands, buy me this dredmor T. I'd never actually wear it in public, but I just love it so much.

So first things first, these games are not easy. That is the last thing a roguelike wants to be. They are obtuse, they are randomly generated, but most importantly, death is permanent.You lose focus in those games for a second and boom! Go back to start, do not collect $200. All your tangible progress is gone. That's the bitter medicine I've slowly grown to love. Though Isaac and Dredmor no longer slake my thirst, so I've been chasing the proverbial dragon all over "teh internetz" to find the next big thing in perma-death. It's taken longer than I thought.

Rogue Legacy didn't really work for me, though it's premise was brilliant. Every time you die, you choose between three of your children to take your place, all with random classes and traits. But once the appeal of playing as color blind mages and 2-dimensional rogues wore off, my pedestrian knowledge of genetics became my worst enemy. I mean, why can't I choose dominant traits? It was too random for me to sink my teeth into it and I lost interest. Spelunky simply bored me, I don't know why, but I haven't touched it in months.Which brings me to my most recant additions to my roguelike gallery, Eldritch and Delver.

I've heard of horrible geometries, but this is ridiculous!

Eldritch is an homage to the work of H.P. Lovecracft in interactive form. Unlike the other games I've mentioned, this is really more stealth based. Once you work your way into the real meat of the game, you'll spend most of it running for your life. It's fantastic. The sub-playstation era graphics become endearing after a short while and the sound design sets the mood perfectly. From the bored and halfhearted chants of Cthulhu's faithful, to the adorable "glug, glug, glugging" of innsmouth's hopping fish men, Eldritch has a decent sense of humor about itself. But wait until you get to the living statues that slam you into a wall when your back is turned. You'll learn to fear your enemies soon enough. I've already had a blast with his thing and I haven't even seen the new game+ modifiers. Which I'm assured is where the game really begins. Eldritch came to beat your face into your keyboard, I say it succeeds, but you just better hope that flying eyeball didn't see you yet.

So, what about Delver? For starters it's not technically finished yet. It's part of Steam greenlight, their indie outreach program to give up and comers some spotlight. But For the 2 hours I've already put into it, I've got a really good feeling about it. For one, it perfectly re-captured my nearly 15 year old nostalgia for that cross marketing classic: Chex Quest.

... you look confused.

You see, it wasn't simply a bald faced endorsement for low sugar breakfast cereals and the General Mills corporation, it was also just a damn good Doom clone. There's something about CQ that I'll never let go of, and it's something no other game has reminded me of since. Except Delver for some reason. The 2-D characters in a 3-D environment is big part of it, but the way the combat works and the way the camera moves just feels so... so cozy.

But if there's no fond memories for you there, the looting, leveling, and hack'n'slashing, will do you just fine for $8. There feels like hours of content in here and the 6 run throughs I've done have felt completely different from each other. It certainly feels like a finished product to me.


So there you go, two fine roguelikes suited to my tastes. Happy dungeon crawling.