Look at this fool:

My save got corrupted a while back and so far the only real difference is that my A-squad doesn't show up in the title screen anymore. A fact that bummed me out until I saw this middle aged Hispanic family man in pony tails and ballerina lace skinny jeans. That just made my whole damn day!

XCOM 2? I'm sorry I yelled.

XCOM 2 is the best game I never reviewed. Because as great as it is, make no mistake it's abso-f**kin-lutly amazing, it ran like crap. Like. CRAP. The gtx 980 was top o' the line and I was pulling 40-50 frames with the fxaa turned off! In layman's terms, the effect that makes edges less jaggy n' ugly was such a prissy performance hog, the forums basically told you to turn it off. That's some beta test version bullsh*t right there.

When the news came out that X2 was coming to consoles I choked on my coffee. This s**t barely ran on a relatively monster graphics card and processor. How in the hell did they get this thing up on what is essentially a couple of 7 year old gaming pc's?

So I checked back into X2... and I am pleased. I mean, I'll need to fork over $450 for a lovely 1070 to get everything running buttery smooth. But this, this is a solid 25% upgrade across the board. I want my nail-biting POV shots to run flawlessly. When my sniper is the last guy to take his turn and he lines up a shot on a faceless barreling toward my panicking medic, I want to be in the moment. The performance level right now gives me that. And thus, I am now content.

Pixar promises to lay off the sequels for a while.

Just one or two or three more hits. Tops.

Pixar has been hitting the sequels pretty hard this decade. While I'd admit that outside of the Cars series not one of those sequels (and even the good dinosaur if I'm honest) are "bad." Hell, I'll defend Monsters University as having one of the most devastating coming of age character arcs... ever. But it seems Pixar's golden years are quickly fading even after coups like Inside Out. Which was tremendous. But the C+'s are staring to out number the straight A's it used to have and I've been worried for years. Disney's chief animation studio, quite frankly, trounced Big P this year with Zootopia. The best film about American racial tension I have ever seen.

We just have to muddle through Cars 3(...nah.), The Incredibles 2 (I'm down) Toy Story 4 (No. Why?!) to get to P's solemn pinky swear it will try as hard as it did in the beginning. Hey, I get it. If I was a creative company with a payroll I'd seriously consider sure bets like Toy Story sequels to keep the great Disney beast fed. But since Disney can stand on it's own 2 feet now, I'm so jazzed Zootopia did as well as it has, Pixar now has the means to fight  the war to win the world's imagination. Again.

DUDE! There's been a significant breakthrough in battery life research, dude.

No matter how good we have it, people as a species are never satisfied. So what if there is a magical rectangle in our pocket that gives us immediate access to our friends, family, cabs, and the near entirety of all great works of literature? The battery life sucks. BALLS. Our garden variety lithium ion batteries break after only 7,000 charges.

If the apocalypse struck tomorrow nearly all electronic devices would be bricks within 2 years. But the intrepid researchers at UCI have found something. Using gold nano fibers in an electrolyte gel made of plexiglass... well let's just say they made it to 200,000 mutha fukin' charges.

This is still decades away from mass production, but I distinctly remember a TIME article years ago had scientists grumbling about it not being possible. Basically this is the biggest step forward for batteries since 1989.

Blade Runner in Glorious Watercolor.

Thanks, Daniel Scott Gabriel Murray!

This came up on the podcast a few days ago. Thought I'd enshrine it here:

First one's free....

The first episode of Outcast is on you tube for your demonic possession based pleasure. If nothing else (and this show is something else) the opening sequence is the best I've seen since Dexter.

DAMN It's good to be back.

After a little fun trouble shooting (one of the great joys of playing old pc games) I'm back in Darksiders II.  Most forgotten gems will get a shout out from me but little else. You're on your own, "Xcom: The Bureau!" But Darksiders II is the underappreciated hill I choose to die on. Sure it hardly has any original ideas and the 2 games amount to what is essentially just Todd McFarland's Zelda. But it's made up of so many moving parts that all fit together so perfectly! It also helps that it's got just enough wit and humor to make the bog-standard sword and sorcery narrative go down smooth.

It's art direction is, quite frankly, age proof. It's loot, combat, and platforming are all flawless. If you haven't given 2 a shot, please do. What else are steam sales for?

I just keep telling myself it's a joke.

Right? I'm laughing... that means it's funny! Right?!

Ok... the new ghostbuster's theme song is "by committee " garbage.

Them' Koreans sure know how to poster.

I'm still holding out hope the new Ghostbusters movie will, at the very least, skirt by on it's amazing cast. But the audio production side is in CRISIS. This is a classic "what do the kids like these days?" reverse engineered disaster. Which is weird because fallout boy played ball with Big Hero Six a few years back and while it may not be that great of a song, it's got one hell of an instrumental hook.

What the hell, Fallout Boy? What. The. HELL?! 

 

I've made a huge mistake.

Gaze into the abyss and despair.

Do you like Kirkland natural peanut butter? Really? You do? You seriously wished peanut butter was more like oily roofing tar? Because... Jesus I can't eat this sh*t. I'm usually on board for leaner, less sugary food. But not like this. Not like this. See, most food passes through one's mouth with relative ease. This crap establishes occupation forces. It took me almost 15 minutes to get through two pieces of toast.

It's like spreadable cardboard, gritty and flavorless. I've never ever thrown out $10 worth of groceries, but if you made me choose between finishing these two jars of super glue and a bullet to the brain, I'd really have to think about

Keanu and Popstar flopped really hard, you guys.

Two well received comedies in the last couple months have been box office poison. Keanu could only scare up 9 million and Popstar... Popstar barely cleared 4. You know what? Fine. Who needs movies, Comedy? You've been amazing these last 10 years on tv. Parks and Rec, Key and Peele, Bojack Horseman, and way too many others to name here have all flourished under reasonable budgets.  Plus the last best picture they gave you was in the 70's. The goddamn 70's.

The Academy never respected you, Comedy. Maybe this split is for the best.

Chris Avellone has arrived.

The man I created a twitter account for the sole purpose to tweet at has been writing a big budget shooter. Prey is now officially a Chris Avelonne joint... actually it looks like he just punched it up a bit. Still! He's helping mold actual facial animation that isn't frozen in a dead eyed stare. I love New Vegas way more than the next guy and still... that facial animation aged like milk. I could NOT be more pumped for this sci-fi ground-hog-day shooter rigamarole.

.@DumbCerb No - the amazing @RicardoBare and @rafcolantonio came to me w/ the story, and I was like, "fuck yes, I'd love to help."

— Chris Avellone (@ChrisAvellone) June 13, 2016

Jesus LORD, do I want a domesticated fox

50 years ago soviet scientists bred the aggression out of wild foxes to learn how dogs came from wolves. Though arcane and torturous international trade dealings some people have gotten their hands on a couple "domesticated" foxes. Half of a cat's hunter instincts with half of a dog's high energy playfulness makes a pet hybrid I didn't know I needed in my life. I would LOVE it if I came home to a dog that would play-stalk me like a delightful fuzzy kato.

For now I'll just have to settle for youtube videos...

Crackpot Theory: Battleborn's Loot is tactically brilliant.

BB may have a soft spot in my heart but my eyes are not immune to it's shortcomings. If you're having second thoughts, by all means, wait for a $30 price drop. That's fair. But I do want to talk about the loot because it's AMAZING.

They tweak everything from running speed, area of effect skill cooldown times, sprinting speed, shield piercing, healing power, just anything and everything. But you can only use 3 at a time and it's usefulness usually comes at an equal price. They all run on an in-match currency called shards. Low level loot'll run you about 300 shards. Epic loot like the generous refund policy up there is worth a whooping 1800! There is no way you'll be able to use it until about halfway through a campaign level and that can be an eternity. Even if you have the greatest possible loadout, if you're not "good" you're gonna get wiped long before you have a chance to use any of it.

But there is an opposite side to that spectrum. Most white loot is garbage, but some come with no shard cost at all! You can just boot em' up immediately. Like this one do-dad that gives me 1.5 healz per second at the cost of -15% reload speed. A harsh trade off for a sniper... but what about a melee character that has no reload at all? You could run the board early in a PVP match and I have done so!

The checks and balances with Battleborn's loot are polished to a mirror sheen. It's a shame not enough people are playing it. Or even talking about it... siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

 

Steamy Racism

We JUST stopped talking about Anita Sarkeesian.

In any given group of people... some are going to have a pretty cruel view of society. I'm done calling people "racist." I find "cruel bastard" far more appropriate. I also find there are entirely too many steam users with their panties in a bunch over the Watchdogs 2 protagonist being an African American. But hey, this'll sell 2 million easy and these f**kers will shut up. Because marketers have already figured out that they don't financially matter. As much as I commend Ubisoft for doing this, it had to have taken a mess of market research to prove this decision wouldn't hurt them. Then the bastards will internalize their impotence and we'll all go back to quietly ignoring the fact that too many gamers use this medium as a way to reinforce their sh**y world view.

Soon they'll have nowhere to hide.

Battleborn Review: This is Spartan.

I know what you think about Battleborn, but baby... lemmie try to change your mind.

I don't get much time to blog these days, usually I have to "need" to blog. I either loved or hated or felt deep concern about any given article I've written. I've seen three times as many shows as I've talked about. So with Battleborn, I feel concern. Everything said about it is true. It's too little too late. Overwatch has already decimated the player base and essentially won over the press and fans.

As my blogger buddy Chance devastatingly pointed out to me a few weeks ago on the podcast... "nobodies talking about it." I barely talked about it myself, but I just couldn't stay away. I don't have it in me to play something for 60 hours just to make a point. I genuinely can't stay away from it. Allow me to explain.

Gearbox curates a gameplay loop that they've been slowly refining since the first Borderlands. For some reason, no one else quite has "it" and it's really hard to explain. I think it may all be about their head shots. In games like the last couple Tomb Raiders, the aim assist is so intense I can regularly get head shots by accident. For some reason, no matter my load out and no matter my weapon, in gearbox's games I always have to do the right amount of work. It's not too hard or too simple. It's a delicate alchemy tailor made. It's also perfectly captured in Battleborn.

I think it's funny when people say Gearbox isn't funny.

What is unfortunately true is that this puppy was rushed out the door. The two PVP modes only have 2 maps each and the campaign is a paltry 8 missions. It feels like there should be 12-15. Maybe this was all designed. Too many missions or modes and the player base gets divided. That's just it, you can reason away everything wrong with this game in the name of balance. How can you make a game that is essentially for everyone at any time?

Only good at FPS? Oscar Mike plays exactly like every single Shooter McCspace-marine you can remember. He even has a couple fun twists to pique your curiosity. I know I wanna play Halo with lava grenades and "sick ass space lasers." What about Elder Scrolls? There's an otherworldly sword and board gladiator with your name on it. My point is, every character is genuinely fun to play. I haven't exactly tried every one of the 25 "Battleborn." But I've gotten pretty far with more than half and only 3 have actively disappointed. I don't even know where to begin to pick a favorite...

If I'm in a rogue mood, I'm Reyna. A pirate queen with a laser cannon, magnum pistol, and a dead eye. I tend to go off by myself to find loot and she can hold her own to a point. Her real job is buffing the team's shields and eventually putting up bullet walls. As soon as I see my team going down I Errol Flynn like a motherf**er. Shielding friendly's from death, taking down enemy captains, and generally saving the whole goddamn day. She's amazing.

Or Mellka the chick with a jade claw for one arm and a machine pistol that launches grenades when you reload. She's crowd control and DPS in one snazzy package, plus her faction (of space elves and stuff) regenerates health so if you have loot that gives her a shield... I've gone too inside baseball haven't I? My point is that even though there is a dearth of content, each new character could honestly hold their own if they were the star of a 12 hour single player game. No. I'm serious.

Picture a Saturday morning cartoon that knows exactly when to curse.

Battleborn is almost a new game every time you dive into a different character. I never would have thought I'd enjoy being a healer until I had two pieces of legendary healer loot foisted upon me. I've been having a blast with my ninja mushroom medic ever since. And it should be noted that Miko, unlocked from the start, changes back and forth from a male voice over to a female voice over. Because he/she/them is a colony of spores! It may be a step removed from a real issue, but gamers can be a depressingly prejudiced and sensitive bunch. They did not have to go that direction and they certainly didn't need to make that character a cornerstone of the posters and marketing. Kudos, Gearbox.

In the end, a multiplayer game lives and dies by it's player base. And in that case... death is near. We peaked at 10,000 and are now stuck around 2,000 on PC. It won't be long until it's free to play and it won't be much longer after that when the content support dries up. It's a shame. Though the folks that are left make the most of it. Not a single person has been rude to me or anyone else.

 If I played as someone like Reyna in a Call of Duty player base at least ONE little f**k is going to say something stupid about her full figure. Not here, we're all just happy folks are still out there. No one, as long as nobody has run ahead and screwed the whole team, is going to say anything nasty. And I've played public while miked with a friend who happens to be a woman. Nobody did anything weird and she has only the nicest things to say about her time with the game personally. Isn't great she only feels comfortable in games with a DOA player base?  Sigh... one topic at a time, McCracken.

It may not be a great game, but I've had a great time with it. Strong characters, a decent but brief campaign, a delightful community, and a fine loot/leveling system make it a memorable experience. Sometimes in spite of itself. If I had a 10 year old brother back when I was in high school I'd be playing this with him every. single. day.

I think you've confused Reyna with someone who takes sh*t.

Well... damn.

Allison Road, the great dark hope of the horror gaming community, is now cancelled. We will have to look for our photo-realistic first person supernatural survival horror fix elsewhere. Damn.

The Nice Guys Review: What about the birds, man?

I love almost everything Shane Black has done. Including Iron Man 3 and especially Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. The latter is the single greatest movie of all time. I have sources! Key and Peele think so. I can't find the clip, but trust me on this. He has a simultaneous love and disdain for masculinity and you never know if he's going to glorify or kick it in the balls. But mostly he kicks it in the balls with a style all his own. 

After one of my favorite opening shots ever (of the decrepit the 70's Hollywood sign) we might as well be in a foreign country. That decade was gaudy, drug addled, and hideous. Only a hard boiled PI story could do it justice. Audio snippets of the sickly sweet ads for "The Waltons" clashes wonderfully with the pastel colored hellscape that is 1970's Los Angeles. And indeed, the set design almost makes the whole movie. I won't say the city was also a character, because that's hack... but I'd be fine if you made the comparison.

Crowe plays a lonesome old body guard who just wants to do what he's best at and get a little respect out of the bargain. He dreams about becoming a PI so he can finally go legit. But Gosling pops into his life to turn all that into a nightmare.

Gosling (a PI single father) crosses paths with Crowe while on the hunt for a missing woman (who Gosling knows is dead but takes his fee anyway). One thing leads to another and soon they're both pulled into a circus of murder and arson surrounding a single unreleased pornogr- uhhh... art film. The story's just a goof. It's solid but don't peek behind the curtain too hard. It actually makes a lot more sense if you've seen "Who Killed the Electric Car?" but I digress. The film is entirely character driven and all the better for it.

Crowe is the soft spoken straight man to Gosling's panicky lout of a PI. He has an arc over whether or not he can be both a killer and a "good" guy. But this is the Ryan Gosling show and he mostly stays out of his way. I don't care what you thought of Ryan Gosling before this. I don't care if you hated Drive, this is a comedic performance that's once in a generation. This is a Gene Wilder level mastery of humor and pathos. Holland March is an all time comic drunk. A man who lost half of everything he had and knows he will never get any of it back.

There's real sadness behind his eyes in every scene and it's honestly what makes it so funny. He has real talent for investigation but can't shake the drunken monkey on his back. The highest comedy beats of the film all stem from him coming so agonizingly close to cracking the case and then failing masterfully. He's somehow the most lovable deadbeat dad possible.

In Shane Black-land... it's Christmas every day.

His daughter, in a career maker performance by Angourie Rice, is an emotionally scarred Nancy Drew stuck in a Lethal Weapon mystery. Hi-jinks. Ensue. It's rare you see a young actor this frikkin' natural and even rarer to have a story that gives her so much to do. She's kinda her dad's chauffeur seeing as he's a step away from blacking out at any given moment. Every time you think she's going to bring the buddy cop vibe down, she only grounds it. Because seriously, how many noir detective stories pretend kids don't exist? 

Amidst all the family drama, gun fights, pithy rejoinders, and all the gory visual details of Carter era California; this movie transcends being just another buddy cop joint. It's the rare flick that's smarter than it wants you to think it is. I personally had to be shushed by the couple next to us. That's how much it got to me. It's not the best movie I've seen this year (I sincerely hope Zootopia gets a best picture nod) but there just ain't nothing like a Shane Black picture. They may have finished last at the box office but there's no better time at the movies right now. Go. GO! 

The hell are you still doing here?!

Jon Stewart! Where have you been?!

It's been a dog's age, sir! Hope you don't mind I fast forwarded through Lisa Simpson, there. I'm sure she's really nice...

Bethesda-riasis

It's got me bad. When they said Far Harbor was their biggest dlc to date... they weren't foolin'

Game of Thrones finally made me cry.

Every once in a while, a piece of entertainment moves me to tears. I can count on one hand the number of times it's happened, it can't be more than 4. I won't go into detail for obvious spoiler reasons but damn... Thrones is now just as good as The Iron Giant! If that makes any sense.

The international trailer for Ghostbusters is too hot to handle.

And yet, paradoxically, also too cold to hold.

Watch the new international #Ghostbusters trailer now, and see it at Cinemas July 11.https://t.co/Ee6yZxs0Vi

— Sony Pictures UK (@SonyPicturesUK) May 20, 2016

If I don't post anything for a while...

 

Then I've come down with a case of bethesda-dlc-riasis. It's very serious. It can take one or even two days to get over.

Duskers, anyone?

I kind of hate the way it looks, but that is some rip roaring intrigue shooting out of that trailer. I'm genuinely impressed with the writing from what I've seen but... a whole game in night vision? I don't know if the writing alone is  enough to make my debit card hand slip. We'll see. $20 seems a little steep, I'd really need a demo first. I don't want another experience like The Long Dark. A really good idea with half the budget it needs.

When you're right, you're right.

 

If any of you have gotten around to listening to the new Chamberlain and Chance, Chance has a few things to say about Doom. Mostly that it's awesome and I'm inclined to agree. We've spent almost a decade stuck popping out from behind cover... it's high time that changed.

The moment to moment gameplay is just as you remember it. Less this:




And more:

 

It's manic but there's strategy to the mania. Headshots don't matter as much, bullets go 60 miles an hour, and I've had to forget 7 years of FPS rules. Not to mention there's a power up that essentially turns you into pac man and all the demons into blue ghosts. This game is FUN at all costs. I'll drink to that. 

Dammit Chance! Is this what you want?!

Wow, a bonus! I should prudently invest this into my savings acou-  Hey look! Doom's waving at me from across the street.

...I'm gonna go see what he wants.

Dark Souls 3 Review: We didn't start the fire.

Here we are, the end of an era. I can't believe we haven't just seen a new Souls game almost every year since 2011 but they've all been uniformly spectacular. From Software has pretty much pitched a no hitter for 5 years. That's insane. All good things must come to an end and Dark Souls 3, or better or worse, is at least a perfect way to end things.  They made a game so radically different and memorizing they have their own genre. "Souls" is a genre now, like it or not. But even the best ware thin after a while, even if From is responsible for almost every game.

While I loved DS3 it is regrettably one I have loved the least. It may be because this is the most straight forward of the series. You won't still be finding humongous secret areas even after your 4th play through; and a third of the bosses are just a touch too easy or derivative of whats come before. That being said, this series has been semi annual for 3 years now. That's some serious crunch. Dark Souls 3 is still a masterpiece, but it's a far more modest one than the first. Or even the second.

Livin' up to my full potential!

Because while I kept getting the sense From Software was running out of ideas, it was obvious they still had a bunch. The welcome cosmic-horror vacation in Bloodborne was a test. Could we speed up Dark Souls and still keep players hooked? Yes. Yes they could. DS3 is lighting fast and all the better for it. No more slow plodding strikes from the opening skeletons and zombies. Expect furious rush attacks that tear your guard down in seconds. If you decide to play as an unmovable object, you're gonna have your work cut out for you. But unlike Bloodborne you are no longer actively punished.

Don't know about you, but I want a Persian rug scarf and kilt.

The world of Lothric should be very familiar to veterans. Perhaps too familiar to those who played the first. Though the shout out to the oft forgotten 2 are plentiful, which is generous considering Miyazaki sat that one out. I always admired the otherworldly look to the "giants" and I'm glad he agreed with me.

When 3 is on it's ON. Three of the greatest bosses in the series are in this game. Two of my favorite video game enemies ever are in this game. When DS3 shines it blots out the sun, but repetitive environments, hastily re-used assets from Bloodborne, and a scant offering of secrets bring it low.

This is the perfect time to end it. DS3 won me over in the end, but just barely. There's only so much one studio can do to define a genre. They have thankfully put this franchise on the shelf and are dutifully passing the torch. And it's fitful it's the Souls series that manages to go out on it's own diabolically uncompromising terms. In the annuls of gaming history they will all live on in rapturous infamy.

I should probably see Civil War or something...

Seems like everyone else in the world already has. Burn on you BVS. Burn on you.

I kinda like Battleborn. No wait... I really like Battleborn.

 

But I'm a special case. The only online multi-player anything I've ever really sunk any time into was  Mass Effect 3. So... if that helped you lick your narrative scarred wounds like me I think you'll really dig Battleborn.

Folks are giving it a half-hearted thumbs down and I can't blame anyone for feeling that way. I've got a really specific taste. This is a game that's as easy or hard as you wanna make it. Are you looking to waste some time till you sober up enough to go to bed (not autobiographical at all), then there's a character for you!

He punches stuff, racks up a combo, then punches stuff harder. He's perfect.

You can seriously have a great time just healing tanks and setting up defenses as I discovered trying to hunt a non aggression achievement. Turns out I read it wrong and didn't have to avoid doing any damage, but there's a lot to do if you just hate shooters... that's kind of amazing. But I was still leaning towards the 7.5 to 6 the critics were telling me about. Then I found my favorite character:

She's the frikkin' best. She can buff friendly shields, steal enemy shields, she can get head shots like it's nothing... there's a wrist mounted shotgun laser, oh! and the glowing eye patch. Love that thing. I could see myself spending at least another 15 hours with the game just with her healer/rogue hybrid awesomeness. After my first match it felt like Gearbox had made a character just for me. I love headshots, de-buffs, and healin'.  If I find just one more character like her that's worth $40 to me right there.

But again guys, I haven't played a multiplayer game in years. Take my enthusiasm with a grain of salt if that's your wheel house.

I need to talk about Gearbox.

I've never gotten into mobas or even any multiplayer shooters and I've always wanted to break out of my single player shell but I'll be damned if ANY multiplayer games really appeal to me. Gearbox may turn me around, even though I hardly ever played Borderlands co op.

So I am going to pick up Battleborn. Maybe this'll be something I can really sink into, or I end up helping BL3 off the ground. Either situation works out for me.

I just trust these guys, wait dammit, hear me out! So what if Randy Pitchford is a bit of a snake oil salesman? He made Borderlands, that carries a lot of weight for me as BL2 is in my top 3 of all time. I honestly don't care he siphoned funds off of colonial marines to pay for it. He gamed the system to make a great game. The Alien license would be fine, in fact, we never would have gotten Isolation if CM hadn't bombed so hard. Think about it.

And hey, we all seem to forget that Drukmann pushed Amy Henning out of Naughty Dog because he didn't want another strong creative voice drawing focus. I just pulled that out of my ass but that story has the air of a creative spat that put a hard working female voice out of an industry starved for it. Her work on Uncharted 4, 8 f**king months worth, couldn't have been that bad. But Naughty Dog makes great games... so we forgive and forget. I lean toward the guy who (allegedly) stole money from a huge corporation then the guy who was threatened by a woman.

I'm not saying Pitchford isn't a snake oil salesman. But I'm also saying he's an easy target who does give a damn about games. Only his games... but his games are fun, inclusive, and rich. As far as industry evils go I'd say he's one of the lesser.

Victory achieved +2

And the Lord of Cinder goes down for the second time. Woo! I beat a souls game on plus! Does this mean that 3 really is the easiest in the series?  ...Probably. Oh well.

GLOWSTICK DANCE!!!!!

You have no idea how long I've waited for the perfect time to use this gif.

I haven't laughed this hard in years.

Larry Wilmore killed in the toughest room in the world the other night. He gave a set like it was the last thing anyone would ever get to say about the President. By Christ he made it count.

Muffaletta Story.

 Just picked up a muffaletta  and on the bag the lady wrote "Muff." While that sure is what I wish I was having for dinner... this'll do.



This'll do.

Crackpot Confession: I've never beat a Souls game twice.

So. Sad.

I love the Souls games. They've never made me all that angry and I've never truly hit a brick wall with any game in the series. Until I beat them and then I get to play "new game +"which basically means I get to start a new game with all my money and my stuff, the catch being that it's much harder. I've made it halfway in NG+ and gave out every time. EVERY TIME!

The first game's NG+ was enough of a bastard but no one is talking about how downright diabolical first sin's mode is. Seriously, the biggest challenge in the entire franchise is in that game, red headed step child though it may be. It took the hardest encounters, turned them up, and then it can throw multiple phantoms at you at the same time. If you want an evil fan mod in your Dark Souls you should seriously check that out. I love DS2...

But yeah, I'm about at the right time in 3. The halfway point. Where my maxed out equipment and stats can't help me anymore. I've hit the ceiling and now have to rely on my own raw skill. Let's see if it works this time.

Goose CAM!!!!!

....goose cam.

The Invitation Review: Cheap Wine. Fancy Bottle.

!! Quick thing, this review spoils the reveal and I hack it's framework to pieces. If you want to see it, don't read anything about it. It's much better that way. !!

"All right, who the F**K ate the last crab cake?!"

They say they don't make movies for adults anymore. The highest grossing films of the year used to be war epics, romantic comedies, and lethal weapons. No more. It's all superheros and CGI animated fare. Not that I have a problem with that. In fact, I'll even go to the mat for Age of Ultron. But it does seem like people are starved for an old fashioned thriller. So much so that I find myself in the rare position of wanting to rain on someone else's good word of mouth.

Because I don't think The Invitation didn't live up to it's hype. I'm shocked it has any real hype at all!  For the first time in a long time, I'm looking at a 89% on rotten tomatoes completely mystified. Or rather, I don't think I saw the movie everyone else did. Reading the comment sections at Birth Movies Death, you'd think we have a new Hitchcock on our hands. Jesus Lord is that not the case.

"Remember me? I replaced that one guy in Game of Thrones and I'm really good on Orphan Black?"

If you are at ALL familiar with what I choose to call the "ulterior motive dinner party" sub genre, you're gonna see every clue and red herring coming miles away. Like the wine. Every time a character gets their wine refilled they check it in the script. "More... WINE?" I seem to remember a character asking another. It's sloppy. So sloppy. If the wine pouring was something that happened while the characters were speaking dialogue worth hearing, maybe a fun anecdote or a small amount of character development, that would be fine. But a lot of the conversations with anyone outside of the main cast never evolves from "Hey! We were friends remember? Been a long time... yes I would like some wine." This tells us that the wine is either poison or will be poison and nothing else. Guess what? It's one of those two things.

That brings me to my single biggest problem. That nothing happens for what feels like hours and the shit that does happen was exactly what I expected. It tries it's hardest to drum up paranoia by suggesting Will (the main character) may be too obsessed over the tragedy preceding his divorce to see his ex's new life clearly. What kills me is that the red herring explanation would have been a vastly superior movie. If you're gunning for crazy in a thriller... make sure the logical explanation isn't more interesting than cult activity.

Sooooo bored.

Yeesh. I'm a bit testy today. This is a decent movie, don't get me wrong. Flat friend characters aside, the cast is peppered by a few great performances. John Carrol Lynch in particular has a monologue halfway through that's as eerie as all hell and Lindsay Burdge does a great job with a girl who lives in the house that's kinda... feral. It could have easily been overdone and I appreciate her restraint for most of the film.

But yeah, 15 minutes in I called crazy murder cult. It took 40 more to prove me right.What followed was luke-warm slasher material at best. If you spend an hour and a half building up a murder cult you better bring it. It doesn't.

 I'm normally not the guy to poke holes but The Invitation is so in love with it's admittedly scrumptious cinematography that it never gave it's corny script at least one of the multiple rewrites it desperately needed.

It's a smart movie. Just not as smart as it thinks it is.