Burial at Sea ep 2 Review: heureux, heureux à en mourir

And with that, Irrational games is dead. The studio that personally justified my jump to the last generation, and breathed life in into a fictional world that's up there with wonderland and middle earth, is "restructuring."

Though this may not mean that the Bioshock series is "over," it's creator has washed his hands of it, and whoever takes up the mantle next will have a target the size of the entire critical community on his/her back. But there is one morsel left, the finale of Infinite's story DLC: Burial at Sea. A stealth based romp through Rapture's secret prison and a teary farewell to both Rapture and Columbia.

I know the general reception has been tepid, and I happen to agree with the majority of their points. The plot gets lost more than Carmon Santiago in a Where's Waldo convention, and the ret-conning of Fitzroy's homicidal motivation is as hamfisted as it is unnecessary. I've always thought the turn of Fitzroy from humble people's champion while in hiding, to tunnel visioned murderer in victory; was not only an accurate portrayal of actual uprisings, but a damning commentary of how violence begets violence ad infinitum. Really, a foreshadowing of the finale's multi-dimensional dilemma.

And while I had hoped Burial would at least answer more questions that it raised, and that we'd get treated to a heapin' helping of Andrew Ryan one last time, both of those hopes were dashed. I walked out more confused than I went in (why the hell do we care about SALLY?!), and Ryan only makes the one cameo. But you know what? This wasn't about giving me what I expected. I wasn't expecting the opening sequence to be so beautiful, so hilarious, and just so goddamned perfect. I wasn't expecting to see so much of ol' Frankie Fontaine, I will play though episode 2 just to see his last scene again. It's also just so goddamned perfect.

Hey it's the rumbler! Levine almost referenced Bioshock 2! That must have been painful for him.

I didn't think you could so easily remix Infinite's combat to strictly a stealth affair so easily. But it works like a charm. Playing as Elizibeth, but without her tear powers, is a world apart from Booker's bullet hell repertoire. But once you get oriented, Rapture becomes a much more dangerous and satisfying place. I'd say the whole episode lasts a solid 6 hours, if you really want to root around for plasmid upgrades and secrets. But but the real focus is on the story. As occasionally disappointing as it is, everyone is on point and the dialogue is razor sharp. I knew there were missing pieces here and there (Atlus sets you up to raid Ryan's compound and it never really happens), but I didn't care. They say a great movie is one with 3 good scenes and no bad ones. By that logic, Burial at Sea was a fine conclusion.

There's a fun stealth shooter/survival game underneath it's story driven exterior. But all you'll remember, and care about, is whether or not it ends. Whether it ends well and whether it sets itself up for a sequel. The answer is yes. This is a definitive end for Ken Levine's Bioshock titles. I liked it. I'll definitely play it again and have just as much fun with it. The fact I'll probably never see a game with this kind of budget from Mr. Levine again is saddening.

It feels like he's just getting started. It's a damn shame this is where he and Bioshock part ways. Even if you hated Infinite you owe it to yourself to see what they've done here. Even if you're disappointed, you'll still be fascinated. Because there are 3 perfect moments that will make it all worth it.

And with that, I say goodbye to Bioshock. Most likely, forever.

I did it. I finally shot up with an MMO.

I love video games. That's not a secret, and while I wouldn't describe what I do to be much of a problem, I do know what I can be capable of. Say, after a nasty break up, I'd fall down a civilization hole for a few weeks. So I always made a point to stay away from MMO's. One; because I don't need to know if they'd become an issue for me, and two, I'm not going to subscribe to something I'd already dropped 60 bones on.

This, compounded with the fact I find the vast majority of high fantasy (elves, dwarfs, etc.) beyond tedious, meant nothing in the genre caught my eye regardless. But The Secret World looked different. It threw the typical swords and sorcery bunk out the window and sank it's teeth into techno myths. That originality and possibility sounded like something I'd end up at least appreciating. But there was both a hefty subscription and tepid reviews, both of which have reversed* in the last couple years. The subscription is gone and it's unsung creative successes floated to the surface. Then Steam sold the game, all it's major dlc, and some starting loot for $20.

Even if it physically bit me in the ass, it was a steal. I mean, The Last Remnant made my CPU scream like the shoe from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but that was under $4 so... I honestly didn't mind. I also don't mind TSW so far. The writing's ok, the story doesn't start with a lore dump, and I'm getting the hang of the camera movement. I can't see myself getting addicted though, and it's just as well. If it wasn't for Steam I'd never have even given this genre the time of day. That's why I love those guys.

*I mean, look at those user reviews.

 I am for this kind of batsh*t enemy design, ALL. DAY. LONG.

Noah rises to the top of the box office.

It's always interesting to see what happens to these kinds of movies financially. Religious/Atheist hemming and hawing aside, there's only one kind of faith that runs Hollywood and it is in the all mighty dollar. The short answer is, this did pretty well for itself. The long answer is it grossed about 44.5 million and averaged a B on cinema score.

I like this news for a couple reasons. One, that reactionary criticism from both sides didn't dampen America's interest in a really weird movie. Two, it could open the flood gates (sorry) for some crazy gnostic gospel adaptations. Three, I like Darren Aronofsky, even though he seemed to get away with a metric ton of wholesale plagiarism. But you know, he's still pretty great overall, and he did buy the rights to perfect blue so... yeah that's fair, I guess. So good for Noah, it sounds like a solid time at the movies. I'll probably see it eventually, and the fact Noah eventually turns into Jack Nicholson from the shining sounds amazing. I mean, the guy left every human outside of his family to drown. That would make most of us one wave short of a ship wreck... again, sorry.

Dungeon of the Endless: It's very nearly almost totally ready!

For the last couple of months I've been fooling around in the early access of Dungeon of the Endless. A procedurally-generated turn-based rogue-like tower-defense RPG. That's a hell of a mouthful, but over the last couple of weeks it's managed to become one hell of a game.

It's not technically finished yet, but what's on sale is well worth the asking price. Once you get your head around the strengths and weakness of your convicts; then learn how to ration your food, (level up juice) industry, (tower defense tokens) and science, (for SCIENCEING!) you'll be in too deep to let go.

I guarantee the first time you find the exit to level 2, you will die both quickly and hilariously. Then you'll start again, and again, and again. I'm having a blast in there and I hope you'll feel the same.

Get the Founder Pack, you know you want to...

Burial At Sea Ep: 2 Impressions

Curiouser and curiouser...

If this is the way Irrational sings it's swan song, I'll be absolutely fine with that. The storied studio closes not with a RAGE- like whimper, but a competent and re-invigorating bang. Booker is dead, both of them, and only Elizabeth is left to finish what she started at the end of Infinite.

What that is exactly, I don't really know. Something to do with a little sister named Sally. But the confused motivation aside, this is incredible fan service. Atlas is back, as is Ryan, and Dr. Suchong is now more prominent than ever. It bears mentioning that all the old actors have reprized their roles, and that's almost priceless for me. If this DLC series were part of a kickstarter, I'd seriously consider coughing up $150. That's the kind of quality you'll see in episode 2.

Where the first episode struggled to cram Infinite's freewheeling combat into Rapture's focused survival vibe; the second decides to be a stealth game. Elizabeth can't just whack an enemy to death, and has a knock out/noisemaker crossbow in her arsenal. It's not just a great remix, it feels like completely different game, one that could support a play time twice as long as this should be (about 4-5 hours).

I would recommend the season pass even if you didn't like Infinite half as much as I did. This is easily $40 worth of world building, even if it isn't worth that much in length. This is Irrational at the very top of their game and they will be truly missed.

What I'm watching.

Hannibal's back and better than ever, (and I'd really like gush over that human bee hive last week) but something else has my complete and rapt attention.  That thing is Cosmos, and it's much better than I dared hoped.

I'm no stranger to PBS and NOVA, which means I'm no stranger to Neil Degrasse Tyson, so I thought I knew what to expect from his update to Segan's masterpiece. I thought I'd catch up to it eventually when there was nothing better on. I love me some NOVA, but it's not exactly appointment viewing for me. The stunning fact Seth McFarland got this on FOX in the primmest possible time slot should have been a sign for me. Seth has serious pull, but not a 13 episode, 9:00 on a Sunday, pull. Somewhere along the line, this gorgeous documentary series turned some suits into true believers. Whether it was financially or philosophically, I don't care. Because this documentary came to play.

It looks amazing and Silvestri's soundtrack soars over the heads of most feature films, but that's not what really hooked me. The script is, as they say, dynamite. I'm not ashamed to admit it moved me in ways a sermon never has. Not to say it was a religious experience, but I sit here now genuinely inspired over the size and scope of our universe. I knew the broad stokes about the magnitude of our galaxy swimming in a sea of other galaxies. But Neil breaks it all down so eloquently, I got a little choked up when it got to the "your god is too small" portion.

That being said, it's a little too patronizing at times. The catholic inquisition are basically treated like monsters, and while it's not like that comparison is unfair, it needlessly hands ammo to it's critics. Also it brings up fossil fuels to rib the audience about global warming for a sentence and drops it. It really should have picked it's battles better.

But I don't care, as I said before, I am rapt. It's just so cool without trying too hard and without dumbing anything down. I'm going to tear through the backlog and shake nervously until next Sunday. I'm just swooning over here, man.

Captain America 2 is apparently fantastic.

"Hey! Did you guys see me on Kings? Anyone remember Kings? It was really good... anyone?"

The embargo broke today and the critics are mostly falling over themselves talking about how much they love it. Its written and directed by the Russo brothers, who have an impressive list of credits, (animal practice not withstanding) come from a predominately documentary/comedy background. The word on the street is it manages to blend a political thriller with a character piece, with an action heavy super hero power struggle.

So yeah, Rotten Tomatoes is burning for it, and it looks like this will answer for the half baked shrug that was called Thor 2. Sounds good. I can't wait to see this juggling act in action.

 

So the Peanuts teaser is out, and I hope you're ready for hair swirls in HD!

I grew up with Peanuts, but that doesn't mean I'm all that in love with Peanuts. My funnies allegiance lies squarely at the feet of a strangely articulate 9 year old and his tiger companion. But just because I'm not a fan, doesn't mean I don't understand/respect the hell out of Schultz's work. Proving you can say just about anything if you put it in the mouths of children, slipping themes of futility and depression in the newspapers of millions of homes for over 50 years is the kind of thing than can seduce me into saluting.

And don't even get me started on his elegant criticism of modern psychology. I'm not being sarcastic.

So now BlueSky (The Ice Age guys who have made a profitable career out of being perfectly mediocre except for that bunny short) has the reigns of what I assume is the Peanut Gang's first theatrical feature. And you know what? I don't hate it. The first thing I saw was a picture of Charlie and Snoopy hugging... and smiling. That's not the two I knew from either the comic or cartoons. That's the Charlie and Snoopy from those goddamned Metlife commercials.Where's Snoopies cool indifference? Where's Charlies ennui? 

But that's not what the trailer is about, it's just snoopy buzzing around charlie and ticking him off. Better. MUCH better. Yet still not a sign of anything in either direction of quality story telling. But I like the compromise of making CGI look and move like the old specials. It remains to be seen if they'll talk and feel like the specials too.

Call me crazy, but I'm not holding my breath for another monologue from Linus about the plight of Tolstoy's wife copying War and Peace by hand in failing candle light. Seriously.  Ctrl-F Tolstoy on that sucker. I'll wait.

So I'm cautiously optimistic. It could seriously roll up it's sleeves and deal honestly with childhood depression. That would break down Pixar's door for sure and they could use some healthier competition these days.

Thief Review: Lost in the Shadows

Going in, I really wanted to like Thief. I hadn't grown up on Garret's un-booted adventures in the 90's, and I had been absolutely starved for something to come along and give my next gen worthy EVGA 780 a workout. I had seen the critical writing on the wall and I didn't care. The textures looked gorgeous, the story seemed decent, and the animation so fluid it almost made me thirsty.

And you know what? For fits and starts Thief really lived up to it's potential. But (and there's going to be a lot of buts in this article) the whole experience left a sad, sour, taste in my mouth. Thief is a game that seems to have been reworked over and over and over again. Plot points are heavily telegraphed (like the mannequins) and yet have nothing to do with the story... ever.  Some levels have several tactics and methods open to you, while most barely have two. It seems like Thief is at least four different games that intersect and overlap near constantly, so why does it feel like the whole affair is only 3/4s complete?    

But I'm getting ahead of myself, I don't finish a 12 hour game if there's nothing interesting going on. And thankfully Thief's worst aspects don't show themselves until about halfway through. Stealing everything that isn't nailed down, and being constantly graded not just for achieving special in-mission objectives (put out all lights, don't knock out any guards, etc.) but how you play in general, makes Thief surprisingly addictive at first.

Seriously, the animation is glorious.

Every chapter is dripping with secrets and loot to grab, and while most critics thought the normal mode was too generous with it's cash flow, I thought it was just right. I even replayed the first few chapters over again to get a better score and shinier loot, even still, I was miles away from mastering perfect runs.

It's only when I reached beyond chapter 6 did things start to turn to ash in my mouth. The level design sags, and the plot becomes muddled and unconvincing. Repeating a hanging scene, only this time with peasants hanging guards, does not a compelling rebellion make. The game play does not change in the slightest when you have to deal with civilian mobs instead of coppers.

And there are some spec-tacularly creepy oil paintings to find. For whatever that's worth to you.

The spirit of the game deflates, like a giant parade balloon, slowly but inevitably. It was by the final cut scene when the whole thing sank around my face. After that, it all started to make sense. You hear about the wretched conditions of AAA development; but rarely do the horror stories of Team Bondi's three year crunch cycle, or Trendy Entertainment's creepy man child director seem to sink into the game itself.

Thief began to feel like a cry for help. As if it figured out it wasn't going to be a worthy successor halfway through and began to beg for death. The last cut scene is so bizzare and anti-climatic, it's like a metaphor for a dev team throwing down their tools and walking out. Which was honestly a shame, because the last boss fight? It was a pretty great stealth based finale.

So no, I did not like the overall feel of Thief and you should probably wait for a steep discount if you are any where near curious. That being said, all lot of things do work. The missions in which you find curios for a traveling freak show are all head and shoulders above most of the main chapters. And I found the acting to be pretty damn professional overall. I didn't run across any major bugs, just some audio splicing, and the whole thing was maxed out at a solid 60 fps. At the very least it was good to know AC IV was an isolated incident. That thing just ran like garbage. 

So Thief didn't manage to steal my heart... just my attention for a while.

Hannibal's viewership is growing

 

Which is great, because you will not find better body horror anywhere else. Seriously, the first 3 episodes this season alone have some of the most spectacularly grotesque corpse displays I have ever seen. 

Sure it's pulpy and sure it takes place in a world where every tenth person is an drastically different serial killer. But that doesn't mean it isn't gorgeously photographed and decently acted. So here, watch this promo, I'm going to bed.

Source.

It's like I never left.

Those turtle dudes ain't so tough. What's From gonna do? Throw 4 or 5 of them at me at onc- OH DEAR GOD, WHY !?

I'm absolutely satisfied with everything I've seen Dark Souls 2 doing so far. The atmosphere and enemy design is as scrumptious and eerie as ever. Never going for the easy blood/gore horror, strictly necrosis and eldritch stuff. I can see nothing has changed for the worse.

Well... the whole "loose 5% of your health every time you die which can only be reversed by an item so rare and expensive it's only helpful to people who have memorized the damn wiki" thing is starting to bug me. But it's probably a balance measure to let them pull off my absolute favorite thing about the sequel so far.

The fact that enemies will die for good! ...Eventually!

 Killed all those annoying grunts on the way to that boss that keeps swatting you away like so many hollow mayflies more than 10 times? Well after that, they're gone. I've often thought the worst thing about Dark Souls isn't it's crushing demand for all your attention and concentration at all times, it's the monotony. The 10 kill mark is the perfect time for a grunt to bow out, because it was never feasible to level grind anyway. And I was getting really sick of some of those zombie/knight's faces.

Anywho, I'm off to to let Puffy-McCfloaterson kill me again. See you tomorrow!

Thanks Kotaku! ...One of these days Puffy. One of these days.

Dark Souls 2 is so hard...

You died.

It broke my damn controller. I was all over the place today trying to figure out why my DS character would go into uncontrollable seizures whenever more than one enemy was trying to kill him. "Your controller's broken, dumbass" was the subtext to Namco's silence in response to my tweet for help. And that was my first thought too.

But I popped in The Last of Us, ran through the power plant fight without a hitch, re-installed DS 2, realized that didn't change a thing, wiped a solitary tear of defeat from my cheek, and slinked back to Best Buy for an exchange. They were sold out. Good news for Namco, bad news for my wallet. Though since nobody else in town seemed to have one either, they offered me a cash refund. Best Buy did that, I sh*t thee not. No double store credit for this guy!

And if this were say... Thief, I'd have taken the money and ran. But this is Dark Souls, and I can't say no to it, because we never set up a safe word. So after a little more experimenting, I noticed I was getting the same problem in the PS3 menu now. Great! It was just breaking slowly! All I needed was a replacement. So after $120 I can let DS 2 metaphorically shove my face into a belt sander in peace.

And you know what the saddest part of this is? I'm getting the Steam version the second it hits the net. I'm seriously not this sh**ty with money, like, 99.6% of the time. Honest.

True Detective Season 1 Review: No Mask? No Mask!

When a show comes down the pike staring the kind of actors that TD had, it's easy to let expectations get the better of you. I can't say I was staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for it to premiere. But come on, Woody Harrelson and Mathew Mcconaughey as antagonistic homicide partners? There was no way in hell I wasn't going to watch it all, whether I liked it or not. And I can safely say after the first hour I was definitely staring down the clock, shaking in anticipation, waiting for the next chapter of True Detective.

This was the best police procedural I've seen in a decade, maybe ever. Not just for what it did; reversing the buddy cop dynamic, heavily referencing 19th century horror stories, and having one of the all time greatest extended shots put to screen. But I'm more impressed about what TD didn't do. The central killer isn't some insidious mastermind toying with Rust and Marty, there is no humongous plot twist that changes everything you thought was true about the case, and everything you really need to know is laid out after three episodes. It was a "by the numbers" murder mystery. Which isn't to say it wasn't interesting, or even worse, predictable. But after years and years of the diminishing returns of genre reinventions, it was simply refreshing not to be f&*ked with. Artistically speaking.

"Oh, sorta like Blair Witch?" No. THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT, BETTER, THING ...EMILY.

I've always felt that there's nothing wrong with being formulaic, only that mediocre talent is more drawn to it. True Detective was formulaic as hell, so why is every TV critic going nuts over it? Because it's formula done so well, it feels original. It revels in archetypes instead of stock characters, freewheeling metaphysical monologues instead of gruff musings of what kind of hero the city needs, and lets the bitter reality of actual murder case conviction rates sink in. I'd love to expand on "real" convictions but I've already said way too much.

But really; the reason you're going to watch TD, and the reason it's going to hold up years from now, is because of Woody and Mathew. They're at the best I've ever seen them (and I saw The Dallas Buyers Club). They don't reinvent the noir detective wheel, but their combined screen presence and the staggering number of different ways they can make their faces look haggard is nothing less than hypnotizing. I'd always wondered if the best and brightest of film actors could hold up on a television series. Would it break ground in terms of excellence? Or would you just be sick to death of them? In TD's case, it's the latter. The both of them ran a marathon and finished first. I can't imagine myself saying the same of Nicholas Cage.

 Venturing outside the two of them, the record's a bit spottier. Michelle Monaghan is great in the role of a cop wife (see again, my thoughts on the noir wheel) but that doesn't mean she fits on the show. It's set in Louisiana and most of the actors try to have an accent. Rust is supposed to be from Texas/Alaska, so Mathew gets a pass on his drawl, but Monaghan can't crack it. It's not as if there aren't people in rural LS. without an accent, but it feels like scenes with her take place in a different show entirely. A damn good show, to be fair. The way she facially hides her smoldering anger away form her children is award worthy. But in terms of the mood and flow of the investigation half, Marty's home life just doesn't gel.

"What? Like none of your little friend's dads don't stagger around their houses with neat whiskey."

And in case you're wondering if the show passes the Bechdel test... no. Not even close. The women in TD (aside from the Q&A sit downs) can be filed neatly into virgin and whore categories. That isn't to say the show doesn't have some pretty thought provoking points to make about the virgin-whore dichotomy. But they're more of a self aware lampshade instead of a serious attempt at some kind of critique.

That aside, something that really stuck with me, and will probably stick with the next season (which will reboot like American Horror Story) is that the show's reality is a "flat circle." That time will repeat itself again and again. This isn't Rust being a loopy dorm room philosopher... well it isn't just that. It's the mantra for the show itself. That the killer's victims will be victims again, and that Rust will metaphorically chase after him and stop him only after it's to late. Again.

You know who has the time and money for a CGI owl almost no one will ever notice? I'll give you a hint, it's not TV...

The show revels in the nihilism that police can only stop murderers but not murder. That after all the pain and suffering that came from "Carcosa," simply solving the case and throwing the perp behind bars doesn't really change anything.

The reason this show is destined for greatness instead of another "life sucks and then you die" noir mystery, is that it tries so hard to find the meaning of life past all the violence and horror. Finding the "stars against the night" to borrow an image from the finale. That fact I took all this soapbox prattling at at face value is the best evidence I can provide of True Detective's conviction and competence. You will buy into this world, and even if some bits and pieces feel contrived at times, you will at least acknowledge what everyone else sees in it.

And you will burn to know who the Yellow King is just as badly. I promise you.

Bob's Burgers is moving...

...but it's not their fault.

I have gazed upon the stick of truth...

Meet Clyde "New Kid-Douchebag" Parrish.

... and I saw that it was good. More than good. Take a big sigh of relief guys, the year of re-tooling was totally worth it. Polygon gave it an 8.5, IGN a 90. They're saying it only lasts about 10-12 hours, which bums me out. But it's really hard to be mad at a game that lets me be Facebook friends with Officer Barbrady. I mean... when was the last time he was even on the show? It feels like years.

I'm barely an hour into it and already I've seen some pretty deep cuts from the South Park bag of inside jokes. I don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say that no other game in history has had this much fun with their sellable junk and Cartman's mom's room is just... perfect.

The combat itself is based off the Super Mario RPG style of rhythm based attacking and blocking, which I love. Both in the case of superstar saga and the stick of truth. It's surprisingly deep and I've already died once so far on Normal. That never happened to me in superstar, but then again, I don't think Nintendo would be on board with a protagonist everyone defautly calls "douchebag."So you know, you're not in Kansas anymore. You in Colorado, bitches!

So if you really wanted an interactive South Park, you probably already bought it. If you were on the fence? Get it. Just... get it. You get to hear what Cartman thinks of you if your black player character chooses the warrior class. That was worth money to me at least.

Why yes, this is the inside of Tom's Rhinoplasty. And no, I didn't know Stan's mom worked there either.

Dark Souls 2's PC release pokes through the clouds.

Update! April 25 is confirmed.

April 25. A good 6 weeks removed from the console date. Can't say I'm too thrilled about that, but maybe I should just be happy it's coming here at all. And they still beat the Amazon's place holder date by a month and then some.

But what's this? Namco still won't officially confirm this is the date!? I'm all for being thorough after the embarrassment of the last port. But I want a straight answer yesterday, whether it's what I want to hear or not. I won't wait forever for a version of Dark Souls 2 running at a silky smooth 60 frames... but I will wait a month or two.

Hannibal Season 2 is Nigh. So... very, VERY, nigh!!!

It's tonight at 10, eastern. I should be off work by then. I will MAKE myself off work by then, consarnit!

Bill Watterson's First Original Cartoon in over 19 Years.

See that? Gives me chills. I don't feel like I have to explain just how a big a deal this is for C&H fans and cartoon lovers alike. Watterson quit while he was ahead nearly two decades ago and never looked back. So not only did a documentary about the end of newspaper comics snag an interview, but he liked it so much he drew the damn poster!

It bears mentioning that the kickstarted film Dear Mr. Watterson, which did little else except talk about how great he is... which he is, couldn't even get a proverbial autograph. So this is a big deal even for the documentary crowd. It's own list of credits can't seem to believe it. But I do! I'm gonna camp out near my local indie theater with bells on... what's that? You're only screening in Southern California?

Well would you look at that? Bill Watterson found a way to break my heart a second time. But this time by proxy.

So Thief isn't... AMAZING, but I like it well enough.

So you've probably heard the Thief reboot is pretty mediocre, and it is. The mission design is narrow, it's attempt at an open world is more tedious than engrossing, and the fact there are only 8 main story heists feels pretty light. But I like it. The acting is solid, the animation fluid and professional, and grabbing all those shiny, shiny, letter openers doesn't get old. At least not yet. Hitman Absolution had turned me off twice as much as Thief has in 4 hours. I don't know why, but there it is. I'm pretty confidant I'm gonna finish it and possibly tool around with some custom difficulty options. Which, considering the lack of free time I have these days, is an endorsement in of itself.   

Is the Thief reboot really that bad?

Because the word on the street is that all it will steal is your money... not your heart, sadly.

I've had my eye on this little number for some time. I've been dying for a pseudo "next-gen" game to give my shiny new evga 780 a workout. AC IV was not that game. The frame rates were all over the damn place. Constantly fluctuating and frequently cut in half. It didn't help that the game itself was a plodding, grindy, affair with just enough flashes of inspiration to make me believe it could have been the best Creed yet. It takes a supernaturally powerful kind of boredom to make me uninstall a 20 gig game before I even finished it. But I swear if I heard Derby Ram one more time, I was going to vomit.

...and I really liked that song too.

So I looked to EIDOS to give me what I wanted. Thief looked to be exactly that. Lord knows I loved Dishonored, and played the ever loving crap out of it. But it didn't take long for a snooty PC gamer like me to take in it's graphical bouquet like an asshole party guest that scoffs at your taste in wine a little too loudly. Dishonored began to look worse and worse. It was clearly made on a budget and for the xbox from the ground up. In other words, a game from 2009 that found it's way into 2012, an eternity in game years. I realized I didn't like Dishonored half as much as I wanted Dishonored 2. Sooner rather than later. Thief would hopefully scratch that itch.

But the sky's gone dark on the critical front. Mostly 7's and 6's on the consoles (a death-knell essentially) but the PC is fairing a little better. A smooth 60 fps can do wonders for the critical eye, but even then, the nay's far out number the halfhearted aye's.

I've per-ordered the sucker anyway. The fact Lords of Shadow 2 doesn't have any published reviews yet, reinforces those nasty rumors I talked about earlier. And there hasn't been a substantial AAA release in months. I'll take Thief's port in this particular storm... and it's not as if I haven't gone on to genuinely love critical punching bags before. 

A Most Serious Post.

I wanted to wax poetic about the proletarian plight of the Ukraine's underclass that could very well boil over into civil war.


But then I saw Benedict Cumberbatch crawling around the floor in poka-dot jammies.

I'm only human. So here's a "making of" from the last Hobbit movie. Chew on that while I try to stop laughing so hard. It's just... I can't... The facial capture pictures alone...

Well THR isn't gonna let me embed. So hop over there, giving their advertisers some love, and I'll leave you with this:

There are no words for how this makes me feel.

Rumors of the first Lords of Shadow 2 review are out... and they are NOT positive.

Well... damn.

 LOS was the rare action adventure in the vein of God of War and Devil May Cry that was actually too long. That used to be the biggest problem I had with those games. Just when you thought you were warming up, Boom! it's over. But did LOS wear out it's welcome and then some. Whatever good there was in that game (and there was a fair piece) was choked to death by all the padding and fat.

But I couldn't wait to see what game Mercurysteam would make next, because for all my problems with the game as a whole, the individual pieces of it were undeniably well crafted. But now we come to the rumors of GI's as of yet, unpublished, review. The gist of it is withering. Directionless, overproduced, sound and fury type stuff.

While I'd wait until an aggregate viewpoint to really make a decision on a purchase... I'm sure as hell not pre-ordering.

Risk of Rain Review: It's quietly spectacular.

I am a glutton for digital punishment. I just can't seem to get enough of dem' rouge-likes. The way I see it, it's a slightly cheaper way to mainline my risk-reward endorphins than video poker. The genre has absolutely busted out on the indie scene these last few years. From Dungeons of Dredmor's ability to make every single line of text at least kind of funny (seriously, their listed system requirements used to demand you duct tape tin foil around your processor and pray to your chosen higher power. Steam used to be cool about that.), to The Binding of Issac's artistic fine line of being simultaneously adorable as well as creepy as all f#4k. There is so much more to RLs these days than simply perma-death and procedural generation. In other words, even in the indie scene, you'd really have to raise your game to stand out.

Confused? Good. Now read the difficulty setting in the top corner.

A two man student dev team (Paul Morse and Duncan Drummond) should not be able to raise that game. But I'm here to say that not only did they raise it right, that sucker graduated with honors. But to be fair, it takes a good while to see what makes RoR so special, not to mention at least 2 dozen deaths. The game play first appears to be a jumbled mess. You find power ups, enemies pop in, you shoot them, boss fight. There doesn't seem to be much to it. And if that's the opinion you walk away with from this game, you just weren't playing it right. There's a lot more depth to running and gunning then it seems.

You have 4 abilities with which to kill. Some are evasive, some are for crowd control, some don't seem to have much use at all. But the trick to figuring out the right moments to use them, is the trick to how the whole game works. Because once RoR clicks? It. Clicks. Hard. You will fall as madly in love with it as I have. Figured out how the commando works? Well you just unlocked 3 different characters on your last run and you are going to spend hours getting to know those characters just as well.

The depth of the character classes is mirrored by it's loot and bestiary. Where the Binding of Issac's power ups were unbalanced or pointless, all the loot in RoR feels at least like a small step forward. Because everything you come across, a vial that gives you an permanent extra hit point for every enemy you kill, or a can of gasoline that leaves a trail of fire behind you, or a ukelele that gives your bullets electric damage, stacks. If you find that power up again, that effect gets stronger. Suffice it to say, the only feeling better than finding your favorite power up, is finding it twice.

The monsters you mow down seem dull at first. Small, pixel-y, and repetitive. But when you start breaking out of the first couple of levels, the wide world of RoR's monsters opens up, and it is sub-stantial.  I also started to notice more nuance in the pixel art and more personality in the animation the longer I spent mowing them down. But this sure as hell isn't an art show, they are trying to kill you... and they are very, very, good at it.

I haven't even brought up the soundtrack yet. I godamn love it. I bought it off of band camp after only playing for 2 hours. It's a killer pot sweetener in a deal that already had me where it wanted me. It strikes a sense of mood and foreboding without sacrificing theme construction or sick nasty base solos.

Mr. Christodoulou? I'm sorry for copy/pasting your name.

So Risk of Rain is my new fix. If you love peeling back layer after layer of a hostile alien world with a "I just died and lost everything, but I'm totally going back in there" can-do spirit, Risk of Rain will send you over the moon.

Irrational Games "as we know it" is shutting down.

I just got sucker punched by the news that the team behind the original Bioshock and my game of the year, is laying off the majority of it's staff and "changing focus." According to Ken Levine himself, the studio is

 “winding down Irrational Games as [we] know it. I’ll be starting a smaller, more entrepreneurial endeavor at Take-Two. That is going to mean parting ways with all but about fifteen members of the Irrational team. There’s no great way to lay people off, and our first concern is to make sure that the people who are leaving have as much support as we can give them during this transition.”

It's sadly not an uncommon occurrence that a developer that makes a big budget AAA game that sells well, gets sh*t canned by their publisher anyway. At least it sounds like Irrational is riding off into the sunset on their own terms. It feels more like Levine is fed up with the multi-million dollar budget environment and wants to go smaller. Rather than 2K being miffed they don't have Call of Duty sales numbers. I'll take solace in that. Infinite really felt like a definite ending for the Bioshock series anyway. Sort of a "just try squeezing a sequel out of this one, I dare you." kind of an ending. I guess I should have seen it coming.

At least I have the next Fallout to look forward to!*




* Wait, what?! God... DAMNIT Bethesda!.

Here's the first 15 minutes of The South Park RPG

I love South Park. Think a lot of you guys out there love it too. I also happen to have enjoyed quite a few turn-based RPGs in my day. So the news two years ago that not only were Parker and Stone throwing their whole creative weight behind a turn based rpg set in South Park AND that it was being developed by the guys behind my favorite game ever, made me pleased as champagne spiked punch.

But a lot happened in two years. First their publisher went bankrupt, then their new publisher wasn't remotely pleased with they had bought, leading to a delay of more than a year. But I can, and have, waited. Now I have 15 minutes of game play to sate me until  March 4. Where, baring radioactive reviews, I will pony up $60. Because honestly, if you woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me what the perfect licensed game would be... It'd be a lot like the Stick of Truth.

Rick and Morty is a Runaway Hit.

And it honestly should be. Not only is this the best new show Adult Swim has had in over 10 years, it's one of the best animated series I've ever seen. At 6 episodes I feel like they've covered more ground, character-wise, than family guy did in 6 seasons. I've been past simply "liking it," I'm in the re-watching and studying phase. Because as far as I'm concerned, the only show I've loved like this so soon out of the gate, is Firefly.

Yup, I'm one of those. But I'm not going to get into a hissy "firefly still totally holds up" rant. We're here for Rick and Morty. Not only was each episode somehow better than the last, but it looks like the financial side of a Dan Harmon production is bearing fruit too. It's outpacing Archer and almost everything on the big 4 networks. That means it's the most popular thing on Cartoon Network in general.

Suffice it to say, it couldn't have happened to a better show.

Bullet Point Teaser: My Game of the Year: Bioshock Infinite.

 I've re-written this so many times I've had dreams about it. So I'm teasing my main points now so you know where I'm coming from before I feel better about them in paragraph form.

I feel like I should almost apologize. I feel like I just confessed something both embarrassing and philistine. No serious critic anywhere except Neoseeker thinks it is. So I feel like my decision is misguided at best and contrarian at worst. But no, no game last year grabbed me so hard and held on for so long. This was the same year as The Last of Us and GTA V, so I wish that I was just being a dick about this. I wish I could convince myself to say what I'm about to say in regards to the other front runners. BSI was the most original and important game of the year. I hope I can convince you why I think that is. 

1. It's opening 30 minutes were absolutely magical.

2. It positively nailed both cultist indoctrination and genuine faith.  

3. It's use of racial tension was braver and more insightful than a lot of critics bothered to analyze (why yes, those were fight'n words.)

4. I actually liked the shooting... I mean BS2's was deeper, but come on guys.

5. Courtnee Draper got the grand flourishes and subtle nuances of Elizabeth's character down perfectly. 

6.The DE-makes of modern music were as well made as they were fascinating story points.

7. Choosing to loose focus on Colombia in the 3rd act was a mistake...

8. ...But the character study it became was still pretty damn interesting. 

9. I played Infinite for well over 80 hours. I don't know what that means, but it can't mean nothing.

10. Burial at Sea made the Rapture lover in me purr like a kitten.

11. I know I will still play this game at least 5 more times.

The Lego Movie Review: An Immaculate Construction.

It's that good, people. Lord and Miller have done it again. For the third time in a row, they have taken an idea that has no right being tolerable, and made it awesome. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs should have been a soulless, by-the-numbers, shanking of a beloved children's book that's barely 20 pages long.

But I loved it's manic energy, genuine pathos, and masterful comic timing so much... I think an 87% isn't nearly high enough. Though to be fair it was an 80% 5 years ago, good to know some folks recanted. And while I thought 21 Jump Street was a bit of a step backwards in terms of story telling for them, it was still funny as hell. The funniest movie of that year by far. And it's worth pointing out that it bites the hand the feeds both frequently and viciously. But it's done so carefully it's disguised as a winking nudge. But it isn't. 21-JS was a film that despised it's own reason for existing. But that wouldn't stop it from being the best little reboot it could possibly be. That in-itself would have been enough for my seal of approval. Regardless of the ironically inclusive hipster bullies, Ellie Kemper's adorably horny chemistry teacher, and Jonah Hill singing show tunes on speed.

They even show up for 5 seconds as Superman and uh... that other guy.

So yeah, I've been following these guys for a while now. I didn't know what to expect from The Lego Movie for years, and suddenly I saw Rotten Tomatoes drowning in gleefully rave reviews. I was pumped, provided I got off work early enough, I thought I'd catch a really late show to A. finally see what this "darkly meta" 3rd act twist was all about and B. feel like less of a creep seeing it without any kids in the audience. Believe it or not, there were quite a few 6 year olds at a 10:50 show. So now you know that.

But even with all the hype and after devouring all the trailers and clips, I still have to say that nearly everything about this movie was awesome. Sure, almost all the best jokes are in the marketing material. Sure, I figured out the twist a third of the way through. Sure, I may not want to sit through it again just yet. But I'll say this, it earned all the hype it's got.

This was pretty much my expression for a solid 100 minutes.

Our unassuming hero is a construction worker named Emmet. A perfectly normal guy, who hides his crippling loneliness under a cheerfully aggressive need to constantly "follow the instructions." There's instructions for everything in Brickburg. From brushing your teeth, to greeting the day, to nonchalantly referencing last night's hit sitcom to your co-workers. He believes that if he follows them closely enough, everyone will like him. Or at the very least... someone might like him. But no, nobody likes Emmet. He's just too normal. But soon he stumbles upon an ancient relic known only as the "piece of resistance" and becomes the most interesting, most important, and most intelligent person who has ever lived: "The Special." Only he and a rag tag army of fellow master builders can take on President Lord-Business and avert a world wide apocalyptic event called T.A.C.O.S. Tuesday. The S is silent.

It's worth pointing out that the fact a film like this could get middling reviews is a minor miracle. This should be a po-faced, by-comitee, feature length commercial. And yet it's an absolute joy. Everything in the film is made out of legos. The ocean, water droplets, fire, smoke plumes, explosions, and hair flips. All Lego, all the time. It's glorious. The voice work is solid across the board. Elizabeth Banks and Chris Pratt are both delights, no surprise there. Allison Brie plays something called a "uni-kitty" Charlie Day killed me just by manically screaming the word "Spaceship!" and Nick Offerman is a pirate. If you're still not sold, then you clearly had your sense of humor surgically removed for some sort of elective frowning prosthetic and are now well beyond my help.

But if you were worried Morgan Freeman would stick out a little too much surrounded by these golden idols of comedy... yeah. You were half right. But the other half? The other half is just so damn funny it makes his stunt casting seem like a long con. I wouldn't put it past the directors if that were the case.

If you think the LA critic intelligentsia are just drinking a bunch of PR Kool-aide, you're wrong. If you think the rest of us are just chiming in on what all the cool kids are talking about, you're wrong. The Lego Movie is a heartfelt, achingly funny, celebration of a child's imagination. If you remember what you saw in your head when you played with legos back in the day, you're gonna have a blast. Just try not to think too hard about the studio politics that put the trailer for Morgan Freeman's new nature doc right in front of it.

So don't uh... don't think about it! Look, Motorcycle!

Tom Hiddleston to Star in Highrise.

What's that? You say I haven't updated my blog in almost a week? You're saying I promised a GOTY article about Bioshock Infinite? Tough noogies, I'm talking about this now. And on a unrelated note, I'm really sorry.

But Highrise sounds really good. A cross breed between Elysium and Die Hard. Also Tom Hiddleston. The film is an adaptation to JG Ballard's 1975 novel about a self sufficient Highrise apartment building that is so comfortable and contained, that no one ever leaves. All is well until electric issues upset the shaky peace between the lower and upper floors (OBVIOUSLY NOT A METAPHOR OF ANY KIND, no sir) and the battle begins.

I haven't read the novel yet, that's going to change, but I have high hopes for this one. We are long over due for this generation's Sweeny Todd.

Parks and Rec, Ann & Chris Review: That could have been the end.

There's a crane shot at the end of this that got me more than anything in this episode did. A crane shot that shows Ann's neighborhood connecting to the rest of Pawnee Indiana. I know this show isn't filmed on location. I know that most of it is really in Los Angeles on a sound stage. But now I'm biting my lip because a CGI'd shot made Pawnee just a little more real. And I'm surprised how much that actually means to me.

Yes, Rashida Jones and Rob Lowe have left Parks and Rec. And yes there was a lot of single shot goodbye scenes, a lame "perfect gift" subplot, and Leslie freaking out over not having everything for her last Perkins party. But it all worked. A lesser show would have crumbled under the sentimentality. It's a credit to P&R's savant-like ability to simultaneously subvert and improve upon genre conventions that the "goodbye Chris and Ann" episode is only very good instead of disappointingly saccharine.

That being said, I'd be perfectly happy if that were the end. Just like how Breaking Bad's finale didn't have to be (and wasn't) it's best episode, Chris and Ann did it's job with style. Calling back to why Leslie and Ann met in the first place, to Andy and Ann's first one on one relationship conversation in what feels like seasons.

It's also worth saying that Ron's goodbye was absolutely priceless, I didn't think Jones could emote like that, which brings me to one of my sharper bones to pick with other P&R fans. ANN WAS NEVER HALF AS BORING AS YOU WANTED HER TO BE. Sorry, I get defensive when fans start picking on a Jonah for no reason. In the case of many fan's opinions, Ann was the show's weakest link. I clearly couldn't disagree more. If ya'll really want to complain about a character that has been irritatingly one note from ep. 1 Then let's talk about Aubrey Plaza.

But then I'd still disagree, because the staff always knew how to write for her, Jones's character was never so lucky. Was she going to be Leslie's bestie? It took a while for them to figure it out. Was she going to ever be on the inside of Pawnee's municipal government? That also took years. Even a writing staff on a show as good as P&R lets things fall through the cracks and more often than not, Ann got the short shrift.

But I always felt Jones nailed the "straight man" role and her recent pregnant rants "Let's talk about vomit, kids!" last week were golden. So if you were planning a "good riddance" post or something, I'd choose your wording carefully. Was it Ann the character that bothered you, or Jones's performance?

At any rate, I'm super proud of P&R right now. If you've been keeping score, there have been at least 3 solid possible finale episodes. Leslie's election, Leslie's wedding, and Ann's goodbye could all have been it. If I had to pick one, it would be Ann and Chris. That's how good it will make you feel.

100% unprocessed awesomesauce.

Burial at Sea episode 2 reveal... also Sly Cooper's a movie now. For better or worse.

It's been a long wait, but Irrational is finally lifting the veil on their final touches for Bioshock Infinite. I like what I see. But this is literally the opening scene, so if you don't want to be spoiled, avert your "virgin eyes"

Also Sly Cooper has a teaser trailer for their upcoming movie... and it's not what you'd hoped.

It's competent, well animated, and there's a spark of the game's wit buried underneath it all. But there's something missing besides McConnell's theme. Sly wouldn't say "keep your shell on" is what I'm getting at. It's like they needed a spoon fed catch phrase or something. But who knows? I've notoriously hated Pixar trailers before. This could be good.

So Sleppy Hollow ended... wierdly.

Apparently Fox's Sleepy Hollow is already over. Apparently a show about an undead Ichabod Crane endeavoring to stop the four horsemen of the apocalypse with the help of a predominantly African American lead cast wasn't worth a "back 9."

But that's ok. It was a really fun show with good actors having a good time with goofy material played just straight enough to make it work. Except the finale, which was just the last two episodes burned off. Why? I don't know, it's rating were solid. But to be perfectly honest, they were weak tea. Not for lack of trying though. The acting from Beharie and Minson was chipper as always, but the budget and the writing seemed to let the production down quite a bit. I had flashbacks to being force fed ancient Stargate episodes by my old roomate in Washington's tomb. Not that my roomate and I actually hung out in Washington's tomb I... never mind. It felt like there were grander plans for the story that weren't fiscally possible. I mean, you start talking about a zombie General Washington and instead we got a free mason crypt made out of foam rubber. That smacks of a producer edit.

But what did end up saving the show for me was it's cliff hanger twist. For a show like this, I didn't expect it's lore to cut that deep. So if you've been paying attention, a lot of story threads come together in the end. Also we'll definitely be seeing more of John Noble, so yay.

YAY.

All in all, not a great finale. But come next fall with a fresh direction and a war chest full of fx funds, I'll definitely be watching.

Where the hell have I been?

I've been procrastinating is what. Yes, I still don't like my Bioshock Infinite article. Why yes, my game of the year is BIOSHOCK INFINITE. I don't want to get into it yet, believe me, half of my article is defensive pleading. That's kinda why it's taken me so long.

Now other things have caught my interest. Things like Dark Souls 2:

 Isn't it cute how it tries to set up a story, then it's all "F$%k it. You want bosses?! Here's your damn bosses!"

Am I head over heels for this series. After throwing down Demon Souls in a rage 4 years ago, and shamefully cheating my way past my first 2 playthroughs of Dark Souls (I've got at least 4 finished characters now) I'm in love. I get it now. I have atoned for my cheating ways and bent DS backwards and forwards since February of last year. I'm in deep, is what I'm saying. That game lit up the risk/reward part of my brain like a damn forest fire and I'd be lying if I said 2 wasn't fulfilling some kind of chemical fix. So whenever it comes to PC (they said late march, but you sure won't see me holding my breath) I'd throw down for the $120 special edition if it was the only one left in stock.

...I did mention the chemical addiction part right?

Now for TV, and the triumphant return of Hannibal!

That was... words can't... how the hell is this on network TV?!

This was the biggest and most pleasant surprise of last year. If you pressed me, and if it wasn't for Breaking Bad's graceful landing, I would have said it was the best show of last year. Certainly the best police procedural in almost a decade. Between this and True Detective my cup runneth over for stylized cop dramas with perfect casting. 

So that's what I've been thinking about. I'll try not to be so forgetful next time, here on the every-other daily crackpot.