I don't normally buy collectable figurines...

But when I do... they come from the Borderlands.

I just spent almost $40 on Borderlands figurines... I don't know why it happened. Wait, yes I do. I love those fuggin' games. Gimme enough coffee, podcasts, or old college buds and I could play BL2 or the Pre-sequel forever. Now I'll have tangible artifacts of all the good ol' gin soaked times I've had in there.

Yeah!

WUB!

Darkest Dungeon gets deeper on the 15.

Double D is a harsh mistress that won't let you forget her. It's a trial of nerves and heartless strategy. Managing to be both cruel yet voraciously addicting. Like playing black jack under a swinging pendulum. I actually agonized over what the right gambling metaphor for it would be. It's not poker because chance factors too heavily. It's not slots because you have a ton of ways to haul your bleeding viscera out of a bad situation.

It's already a great game, but it's several updates away from being finished, I mean... there better be at least a couple more dungeon templates cooking. Either way, we get a new hero with what looks to be a scruffy wolfhound in tow. Great! I'm gonna watch that dog die. So many times.

"It's all your fault! You let this happen!!!!"

The Zombie Simpsons: Everything you wanted to know about it's slow and painful death but were afraid to ask.

Harry Shearer is officially back on the Simpsons. Yay, Nay, or meh? The guy's done the same job for 25 years and wants out. He's 71 and has more money than god so I'm a little sad they wrangled him back. The poor guy. Though he never has to walk into the studio again, so that's a pretty baller move.

But it was in the comment section of the Birth.Movies.Death article that I stumbled upon a self published chronicle of how that show's spirit slowly became amantiago-ed. I probably shouldn't have tried to verb that, but seriously:

"Charlie Sweatpant's" manifesto is a spectacular read. 

It keeps it's editorial voice to a minimum* and acts mostly like an investigation piece, citing dwindling amazon reviews, and old writers talking out of school. You know what the answers are going in, Matt Groening lost interest, the great writers drifted away, the mediocre links in the chain achieved seniority, then... darkness.

But it's nice someone took the time to set the record straight. I just realized I lost 3 of the 4 disks of season four that I've had since middle school and it's breaking my heart.


*I'm further in and it's now very much an editorial. Still a dead on critique, though.

18 whole minutes of No Man's Sky!

Every once in a while a game comes along that promises the moon. This one promises the universe. A game so big your entire life isn't remotely enough to see it all. I want to believe in it so hard. A polygonal minecraft with laser guns and spaceships and jet packs and aliens and black monolithic robots... I'll let the game's creator take it from here. Clearly I need to lie down.

True Detective Season 2 is... awful, ok? It's really, REALLY, bad.

Taylor. f**king. Kitsch.

My HBO NOW subscription lapsed on Tuesday. Instead of feeling like I was about to loose an important part of my Sunday night, I thought "Good." Let's start with the new opening. Last season's was a soaring, yet bitter, country-blues ballad. I listened to it all the way through for every episode. Even my re-watch. But this year? This pretentious beat poetry B.S.? I had planned on giving S2 an unbiased shake, but immediately after a minute and a half of "I'm so dark and mysterious, you don't even KNOW!" I started making myself a drink.

Over the next 2 hours I would have 4.

Season 1 was interesting because it played around with the crazy outsider and abusive alcoholic cop archetypes. It didn't waste a second. Boom, here's a visually stunning serial murder site. Bang, our "hero" is a funny, nihilistic, wackjob. Bam, the central villain is called the Yellow King, he kidnaps runaway children and burns down churches. I DARE you not to watch the rest of that show.

The first episode slavishly sets up the 4 main characters, none of which are remotely interesting enough to carry the show on it's own. There is no Marty-esque straight man to react rationally to each character's $10 words and needless pontification. But even so, everyone is... fine. Ferrel's violent desperation to be a better father to his estranged son (who's clearly the product of his ex-wife's sexual assault) is compelling enough, but it feels like the story plays it's best hand too early and won't have anything left to say come episode 5. Oh, and Vaughn pointed him in the direction of the man who (possibly) did it 10 years prior. But now he's in too deep with Vaughn and... zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

McAdams is the hard line rookie detective who's got a screwy guru dad (David Morse!!!), way too much to prove to herself, and just pulled off a dead-end raid on what she thought was a prostitution ring. Again, she's fine, but has absolutely nothing to do for 2 episodes that involve emoting or reacting in any way. I was gonna give Vaughn his own paragraph but he has the same problems. Being the mobster turned legitimate business man, he's having trouble walking the line afte- zzzzzzzzz.

I'm sorry, but it's such a boring effing stock character. But I did love his monologue about his father locking him in the basement for 4 days. The show came alive for those 3 minutes.

And now, Kitsch. I've had a bone to pick with him ever since Friday Night Lights. He's not "bad" but in that show he was completely surrounded by actors miles out of his league. So was Minka Kelly and I skipped every scene they had together (You're the best, Netflix). This isn't the case here. Every main actor is meticulously set on the same level of pensive brood. No one stands out, so he isn't... exactly out shined. But when his character impotently begs to get back on his highway patrol bike, I believe him. This is his best work yet, but it's not enough. Not even close. I don't know how he landed this, but here we are.

The murder! Right, there's a murder. The guy had his eyes burned out and he was a keynote speaker on a proposed light rail constru- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

You guys, I am so sorry. I promised I'd stop dozing off. But BirdMan is no Yellow King. The first season was always driving home themes of obsession and madness. Every character dealt with them in ways worth exploring. Rust Cohle was a dick, but I cared about him almost immediately. I don't give a flip what's happening to anyone in season 2. I haven't even bothered to look up their names on IMDB. This is all a sleepy modernization of Chinatown with nothing to say. Yet. I'd love to retract all this months down the line if it ever gets "gud." But... that's silly. That would be insanity.

S1 had a framing device and a driving, biting, mystery. 2 has no momentum whatsoever. I think Pizzolatto had years to write 1 and what's airing on Sunday nights now is a middling rough draft. It hurts to say that almost as much as it is draining to watch.


UPDATE: Oh! Oh! I forgot all about this little gem. Be more on the nose, True Detective soundtrack.

I dare you.

How do you feel about making blade runners affordable?

If you've seen Kingsman, you know those amputee blade runners are rad as balls. But the radness is unfortunately in equal proportion to how expensive they are. And also how unlikely an insurance company is to spring for them.

They don't. Not ever.

 Fortunately there's a non profit that feels for amputees that just need to go for a run again.

Help out, guys. There's nothing on earth like a runner's high.

DONATE!

Arkham knight: Patch one. It's... better. There be miles to go, however.

The PS4 has better textures than this. The PS4 is a glorified 6 year old gaming PC. Sorry Chance, but it is.

The regularly scheduled freezing hitches are gone, but gliding and dive bombing still tank the FPS on a GTX 780. Which without high textures (which still don't exist yet) is goddamn ridiculous. WB was right to pull it, the thing isn't finished yet. Though those fancy smoke and flying paper effects look great and are stable at 30 FPS. But I'm a 60 fps man and that's just not good enough yet. Oh and apparently the rain effects never worked  so now I get to enjoy watching water slide off bat's helmet for the fist time. *Checks* yes... that's lovely.

So I've been treating it like an early accesses and it's been more good than bad. I seem to be in the minority that actually like the batmobile. I love Riddler's races and the stealth sequences (yes, stealth batmobile sequences) are both tense and tactical. I've already gobbled up the main story and I have only a few quibbles. The identity of the Arkham Knight is telegraphed harder than Peter's denial of Jesus. Of Nazareth? You know the guy.

But Scarecrow's ultimate plan to destroy Batman's mystique and reputation is wonderful. John Noble just owns it, you guys. His milky eyes and facial necrosis never gets old. Though the more and more I think about it, the sillier and sillier the idea of a mercenary army EVER agreeing to attack an American city is. What the hell is their end game, exactly? How are they ever going to see the outside of a CIA black site after the army takes them out? At least they sure are fun to punch.

So while they should have suspended the PC release for at least a couple weeks, I am glad I got to play it. In spite of all the vitriol 10,000 people are doing so  on PC right now. That's ten times the people playing Beyond Earth! It was a botched launch, but clearly a ton of people are still having a good time. Myself included. 

Tales from the Borderlands, still the most enjoyable game this year.

There's an argument to be made that Telltale doesn't actually make games anymore. There are no puzzles to solve or objectives to complete. But there are narratives to subtly direct. But the simple fact is I've had more fun picking dialogue choices for Rhys and Fiona's increasingly bloody and hilarious caper across the Borderlands than any other game this year.

Every character has gotten a laugh out of me, twists have genuinely shocked me, and I'm DYING to know what the Atlas corporation was up to before Hyperion snuffed them out. Die hard Borderlands fans (YO) are going to get the most mileage out of these episodes, but the acting and writing is so sharp I'd recommend it to people who actively hate video games.

Welcome to the Wayne-Tec help desk.

"All customer service representatives are currently busy, please stay on the line for slightly longer than 2 hours... we will be with you shortly."

But seriously, Once I got over the frame rate dips, it's spectacular game. Doesn't excuse the blatant QA smokescreen before launch, however. PC gamers are the most financially invested and we go nuts over trivial sh*t. We actually have a case now! Do you know what this means for your twitter page?

Patch, Ladies and Gentlemen, patch like your livelihoods depend on it.

Arkham Knight does not like the PC. AT ALL.

See that speed limit? I'm gonna pretend that was intentional.

From the heights of The Witcher 3 ( my personal best out of the box performance of a bleeding edge game EVER) Rocksteady has brought me to this. They raised the minimum specs in online store fronts 12 hours before launch and forced a 30 fps cap in-game. You can pull an ini. tweak and remove it, but the benchmark program straight up lies to you. It shows you the game running at the coveted 60 FPS then shrugs when it's sawed in half during the actual thing that you paid $60 for. Classy as hell guys, I'm dying to know your endgame. You're going to call it a feature on twitter aren't you?

Snark aside, I can run it and I really liked my time with it. But gliding 20 feet cuts my frames down to half and the "shmancy" Nvidia light shaft and physx rain are virtually invisible and shred my already mediocre FPS to ribbons.

There have been worse launches, I'm sure... but Rocksteady had all the time in the world to nail it. If a 200 person team in Poland can do it, what's going on here? Plus it's worth noting that they did not let ANY PC review copies out to the press ahead of launch. Strike 2 guys. Patch this nonsense up and all will be forgiven. At least by me, anyway.

People STILL won't shut up about New Vegas's launch troubles and that's a masterpiece. Even Honest Trailers says so!

 

Woke up Angry.

Has your subconscious ever screamed at you to quit your job? Because the other day mine handed over the reins in a huff. Within seconds of consciousnesses I was fuming over the gulf of how much I loved my job when I started to how shafted and rejected I feel now. That's never happened to me before and it concerns me for a couple reasons.

One, sleep's never come easy to me in the first place and it seems my nocturnal side may be presenting a sort of ultimatum. Because I wake up exhausted every single day now. It's not... depression, I've been down that road and I remember what it looks like. So what the hell is this?

Two... I ain't exactly hauling in marlins when it comes to the job hunt. This is good money for the hours and I genuinely like all my co-workers. Though I haven't been much for conversation the last week or two. A lot of my friends jumped ship as well and I guess I should take the hint. 

2 years at some restaurant isn't worth loosing sleep over. I need to hunker down and see if my measly English degree can get me a real job. Jesus god I'm tired.

Naughty Dog is still killing it.

I thought F4 broke my excit-o-meter, because nothing after that even moved the needle. Sure, stuff looked rad as hell, namely that new Ratchet and clank business. But nothing jumped out at me.

But then I was all "I got time for Naughty Dog. they made my first video game and they've nary let me down since."

That was the best driving sequence I'd ever seen! It wasn't a game of chase the way point, you had to figure out how to strategically avoid that truck and even though the player had all the answers he still broke every fencepost and fruit stand in that city and won my physics heart.

These muthers are just incapable of phoning it in!

Fallout is Minecraft! Minecraft is Fallout!

If he'd ask nicely... I'd kiss that man and so would you.

I'm uhh... I'm indisposed. I expected F4 to be good, this is so much more. Putting Borderland's piecemeal gun parts into the guiding hands of the player is one thing. Being able to tear the raw material out of the game's walls and make "Your Town, USA" is another thing. Making power armor not just a piece of armor, but it's own gameplay element complete with a motherf**king jet pack is another thing.

Also, V.A.T.S. is back... you can play as a woman... 11-10-15... dogs are cool.

I'm gonna lie down.

The Witcher 3 is like... really long, you guys.

I planned on finishing it up and reviewing it days ago. But this is an absolutely massive game in ways I'd not expected. It puts Inquisition to shame in just about every respect and I quite liked that game. I've played the main quest line almost exclusively, I even failed a bunch of missions just because I wanted to power through what I thought would be the end game.

But it turns out the final act is exactly that. An ACT. Not a single dungeon crawl, not a half-assed finale battle, but a solid 10 hour ACT. When most games are passing out on the finish line, Witcher 3 is gearing up for another mile.

An extra mile, you might say.

Oh... HELLO Tales from the Borderlands. Nice of you to start to begin to join us.

June 23? I'm trying to understand. I know you live all the way out in California and it takes alot for you to make time for me. I just wish you'd talk to me first, though. You keep saying you can make it out every 2 months. But the last time it took 4 and this time it'll be an even 3. I don't mind waiting. But it would have been nice to hear something, hell, ANYTHING about this a month ago.

I love our time together, seriously, you've been incredible. I'm starting to think... there's someone else.

Avellone has left the building.

Chris Avellone, chief creative officer, and head writer of my favorite game ever made... has left Obsidian. This dashes my hopes for a true successor to New Vegas to ever exist and that stings really hard.

He's the best writer in the business and his work at Obsidian was tremendous. Between NV, South Park, and Pillars of Eternity his reign was truly supreme. My bet is he'll probably end up with his buds at inXile, as he co-wrote their next game. Maybe that was cause for termination? Maybe.

I have officially left Obsidian Entertainment to accept a sudden opening as the Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor at Hogwarts.

— Chris Avellone (@ChrisAvellone) June 9, 2015

Hannibal, Antipasto: Review

This, unlike any other show that's ever aired, doesn't give a single f**k about what you think. It's going to do what it wants, when it wants to. It's going to blare an out of tune pipe organ in your ear while a woman passes out after pulling the entire length of her arm from a dead man's throat.

This is a bizarre, violent, show that follows more of a nightmare dream logic than a real story structure. This season it's decided to completely reinvent itself after last season's "get out of contract free" cliffhanger that left nearly every single main character bleeding out in Hannibal's mansion. Hannibal has coerced Bedelia (his former therapist and now "wife") into being his European camouflage. As he murders his way into a respectable position curating an Italian art exhibit. He straight up sits in his competition's office feasting on the man's liver so he can give that man's wife a cute little shock.

There hasn't been a horror film in years with this kind goofy, yet enthralling, kind of sadism. This is the one-of-a-kind folded steel carving knife to SAW's blunted cleaver. It makes sumptuous visual high art out of a mumble core penny dreadful script. And thankfully, IMDB tells me everyone's contract renewed, so the core cast will show up... eventually.

Not before Hannibal showed us that they totally could have built a show around just the two of them and part of me wishes they had. Settling into life with a possessive monster has a lot to do with bath tub based dream sequences and trips to unsettling, and fancy, Italian butcher shops. How come our butcher shops don't have rabbits and game hens hung up to bleed? Thanks, FDA.

Antipasto is a day in the life. All story threads that seem to lead to further intrigue are surgically dealt with by Hannibal's indiscriminate and defensive hand. It's a short film rather than an episode, capped off with Bedelia staring longingly at a train station security camera. Screaming for help on the inside. There's even a film within a film and it's some of the best character work in the series to date. Did you think Hannibal made Eddie Izzard just eat his own leg and then killed him? No. No he didn't. It's the greatest character send off I think I've ever seen. It's slow, horrific, and hypnotizing.

Apparently the Red Dragon is going to feature this season too, but to be honest... I'm already stuffed.

I can buy Fallout 4... and I'm really thinking about it.

Goddammit, OPEN ALREADY!!!!

Sure, it's possible that this game comes out in January 2017. Any number of setbacks could happen. But the fact they've had more than a reasonable amount of time to make the thing, and because of Todd Howard's famous "when it's ready" approach to marketing, and because I can plop down $60 to reserve the thing on Steam right now even though it doesn't even have power armor as box art... points strongly to a  Fall or December release.

This is happening. Sure The Witcher 3 was delayed almost a full year, which is why I'm not taking my hand off my wallet... even though my heart and my soul scream "YES!" As if $59.99 could make my hopes and dreams real. No, even though that in engine trailer was glorious and I'd happily slog through it if it was one of the greatest disappointments in gaming history, I do have more restraint than that.

I can wait. But not forever.

Welcome back, pal.

Roll over, Fallout. Imma scratch your belly.

Please stand by...? Whatever could you mean Bethesda?

Oh. OOOOOOOOH! Oh right, yeah! YEEEEAAAAAAAAH.  I'll stand by. No problem. Thanks Bethesda. Thanks for not chasing Skyrim 2. After ESO disappointed it must have been tempting.

Here's a snail eating a veggie straw.

Ya'll have a nice day.

X-COM 2? Solid copy, big sky.

Guess what's not about aliens invading... again? Why, it's X-COM 2! With extraterrestrial occupation, genetic splicing, and a VTOL mobile command center, X2 looks like it's taking all the right steps to a great sequel.

Though I will have to be sold a little harder on that literal cobra commander. That's a little much. Let's go, November 2015! Get here as fast as you can. Or don't. Pull a Witcher 3 and take all the time you need. No rush.

Winter is Here.

This season of Thrones had me REAL worried. It's still a great show, but it's had to deliver what all great shows need and that is to outdo itself. I can count on one hand all the greats that managed to keep upping the anti.

Ladies and gentlemen, the anti has been upped. In the end, we all keep tuning in to see dragons fight ice zombies. And it'll take a whole 'nuther season to see something on the scale of this white walker attack again. But seeing these blue blooded sons o' bitches play with their food was worth it's weight in dragon glass. Stop hating and get back on board. Dorn wasn't that boring and Cersei's in prison now! Know what? I'm watching that again.

(UPDATE) Microsoft may be planning on buying Silent Hill.

 (NOPE. None of this is true)

Which means that it will be an Xbox exclusive. Which means the act of taking the playable teaser off of the PS network was actually a cynical move to drive up that game's value to sell off to another publisher and get the best possible short term gain off the license.

If any of this is true.

And if it is, Konami can still f**k off and die. Why do they have to be such dicks about giving audience what they want?

I've been playing the witcher 3 for over a week?!

How... how is that possible? I haven't even meet Ciri yet and that's the halfway mark! Dear god, this could be an all timer for me. It's so much better than the critics are saying. I mean, I've never seen an in game storm as awesome as these. They take a minute or two to blow in and you can track it by looking at the cloud cover. It's spectacular:

See, the clouds haven't covered the sun yet, so everything is brightly lit against the sky. SO GOOD!

So... is Brad Bird an objectivist?

After walking out on Tomorrowland's preachy second half... yes. As ham handed as passion projects can get, TL winds up being a total screed. There's a great point to be made about modern apocalypse fiction being a self fulfilling prophecy. But I wish the actors would show that to be the case instead of just saying what I just said, essentially.

So I'd probably get into an argument over cocktails with a favorite director of mine. Big whoop, I'd commit multiple homicides to get that chance. It doesn't make any of his masterworks (which is nearly every film he's ever made) less amazing. Even though the message that the great "few" shouldn't be held back by the mediocre "many" is literally the moral to every one of his movies not starring Tom Cruise.

But who the hell cares? I don't. I'm much more concerned with my favorite cartoonist being a bigot.

Bojack's back a month early.

Last August, an anthropomorphic horse stole my heart. It was a goofy, by the numbers, animated comedy that slowly bloomed into a sincere exploration of cynicism and self destruction. They also broke the news that Andrew Garfield loves lasagna and hates Mondays.

I'm so down for this I just might watch the first season all over again... again.

I just avenged the angry spirit of a miscarried fetus.

So what did you do today?

Green Man Gaming is super-duper sorry.

I'll be honest, when GGG was selling The Witcher 3 for $10 less than every one else, I pounced. It was only later did I learn that they managed to do that by putting one over on the developer.

CD Projekt Red, pride of Poland, and dyed in the wool advocates against DRM. I was pissed. I'd have supported them more if I could, but I didn't get the whole story. Oh, and apparently some of those ill-gotten game codes didn't even work.

So this morning a 40% voucher popped up in my inbox. Valid for my next purchase whatever that might be.

What...ever that may be.

I'm still deeply disappointed in them, but I also am not turning down that kind of a deal. Also WB interactive could use a good buggering. Why not take on a studio with real lawyers GGG?

The Witcher 3 and the death of doll eyes.

Running though GTAV recently has been a blast. It looks absolutely gorgeous. Just stunning all the time. Except the cut scenes. I started to hate them. Not because anyone who isn't Michael, Trevor, or Franklin is a bizarre shell of a tired stereotype... well not just that.  It's that nobodies eyes ever focus on anything. Sure, sometimes their eyelids narrow or open but they can't disguise the lifelessness beneath.

Neither could Bioware, hence the name "Bioware face." But the Witcher 3 fixes a lot of these problems. In the first 10 minutes alone Geralt smiles... with his eyes. I forgot to take a screen shot, but suffice it to say, it's something Julia Roberts made a career out of. Every character's eyes in this game focus on something and I'm in love:

Here's some free advice:

If you ever feel like sending an angry letter to management... don't send an angry letter to management.

Are you stone cold sober?

don't do it.

Are most of your fellow employees on your side?

Don't Do It.

Can you subsist off the land and create a new life out of simple tools and fertile soil?

We both know you couldn't make it 2 weeks without the internet, DON'T DO IT.

So it's come to this: A Simpsons Theme Park.

The last episode of the Simpsons I saw was in 2009. I owned seasons 2-8 and loved them all, but I couldn't bear to see what had happened some 10 years later. I literally grew up with the Simpsons, sneaking it at friend's houses as my parents were kinda-sorta "media crusading" against it. They're better now.

I vaulted it as the height of comedy while barely understanding why it was funny. And it turns out I wasn't wrong. The Simpsons started a golden age of comedy, not just for animation, but also single camera shows that might as well have been animated. Like Community and to a lesser extent, Scrubs.

It's fitting that now that Harry Shearer, literally half the voices on that show, has left the show that the new theme park has opened. That's a death kneel and I can't imagine them soldering on too much longer without Mr. Burns, Flanders, Principle Skinner, or any other of the hundreds of characters that now have to unceremoniously disappear. He's also 70. That may have something to do with it.

So this is the end. Why not go out with a bang? With a museum of highlights that will physically remain long after that future solar flare stops all electrical current on this planet forever! I am not anti-Simpsons theme park. Far from it. Will I ever go back to Universal Studios? Probably not. Though it is nice to know that in the eyes of executives TV properties have all the same rights and opportunities as film.

In a Simpsons theme park that has a DMV, somebody's heart somewhere, is in the right place.

You thought I was kidding? McCracken doesn't kid about the DMV.

Marvel's Phase 4 has been leaked. I don't think you're ready for it.

Let your face be melted off by an awesomesauce whose PH balance is off the scale! The PH scale! This awesomesauce is so caustic you guys!!!

Crackpot Theory: Fallout 4 is going to be bitterly dissapointing... maybe. God, I hope I'm full of it.

"Just because I love you don't mean I won't put you down."

It's been... let's see, 6 months since the internet last riled me up with another fake scoop on Fallout 4. A game I've waited on for so long I honestly don't care half as much as I did 2 years ago. A time that, fate willing, they would have had more than enough room to produce a solid sequel. But it's been nearly 5 years since New Vegas. Even if production started when Skyrim's DLC ended we should have heard something, ANYTHING, other than dead silence.

Now a super secret, but totally trustworthy, source found by a German PC gaming site claims that Bethesda's first ever E3 conference will hold a behind closed doors demonstration for critics. Of Fallout 4. Sure. Why not? I honestly don't care anymore.

But you see, I'm worried. Some games take too long and more often than not, it's because a lot went wrong. I'm willing to bet ya' that there's been dozens of prototypes of Half Life 3 that all fell short and Valve is too embarrassed to admit it. Or maybe, and this is my more hopeful reason, is that Elder Scrolls online forced the suit's hand and made sure they weren't contributing to any hype that wasn't for that game's now evaporated potential.

Or they aren't happy with it. If that closed door meeting turns out to be the case, they really aren't happy with it. Also, the Obsidian crew has almost nothing to do with it, which also bums me out. Why you'd wind up having Chris Avellone not write a Fallout game is just blithering madness to me. So my loins are girded. I pray I'm dead wrong and this is all because of overactive corporate paranoia.

We want to love you F4, why can't you just poke your head out the window? What the hell is going on?

Can we talk about Endless Legend for a second?

Every single piece of static art is this game is just.... auggghhhhhhhhhhh.

I've checked and only about 1500 on steam are playing it at any given time. This cannot stand! This was Rock Paper Shotgun's PC game of '14 for seat's pake! Pete's sake, sorry, I'm a bit flustered. You see, I've seen Endless Legend through early access over a year ago. I'm pretty invested. It's so much more than a high fantasy strategy game. Well, it's exactly that. But it's such a refreshingly original high fantasy.

They really took thier time to make those moldy old mainstays at least slightly more unique. Elves are isolationist tree/human hybrids, dragons are an organized civilization dedicated to world peace, centaurs all have delightful potbellies, and the infamous "one city challenge" from Civilization is recreated here with a specific civ with a eerie back story. You're a doomsday cult that spreads influence instead of borders. You play as these creepy-ass clockwork mannikins... I've said too much. The cultists are a trip, man.

I've never actually formally reviewed that game, but with their "giants" expansion just hitting Steam I can no longer contain my rage. I'll do what I can to keep Amplitude studio's candle from blowing out. Maybe my 8 bounces a day will do something... in some way.    

Guess what?

With 2 incremental upgrades over 2 years totaling $1400 (not proud) I finally have what I can safely say is my favorite PC rig ever. And my 2006-20011 rig was no slouch. After maxing out GTA V with momentary dips below 45 FPS I can say for certain that all future problems now lie with the game's optimization alone.

Wheeeeeeeeeee! You know that draw distance is maxed out and you'd better believe the crowd variety is too!! I uh, I should go outside now...

I now know I can tackle the beast on the horizon with style. As you all know... Witcher is coming.

The crackpot is down.

Or rather, the computer I use to maintain it is. Be back Tuesday or Wednesday!

Ex Machina Review: Hall of the Mountain King

This movie is brilliant. It's Black Mirror with a bigger budget. Learning more about it would only ruin the surprise. It's an intimate, slow moving, beast that eventually leans back on it's hind legs and rips your face off.  I could go on, and I will, but you should see it first.

Still here? Need a little more to go on? Fine, but that's not what I want for you guys. You should have absolutely no idea where it's going or who any of the characters are. But here we go: Caleb is a junior programmer at this world's equivalent of Google... or Facebook. It's kind of an amalgamation. Either way, he's selected to join the company's reclusive CEO at his mansion somewhere in the frozen wilderness. I think it's Alaska.

Unassuming nice guy, Caleb, is now deep in Nathan Bateman's element. Oscar Isaac plays his eccentric billionaire so delicately I'm going to try my best to put it into words. Here goes: High functioning hipster sociopath with delusions of godhood. See... that doesn't give his subtly justice. He's got that "rich creep who desperately tries to be the everyman" thing going for him. I can't tell you how perfectly he nails all those Kubrick wannabes I've let talk my ear off at parties on how they're going to change the world.

I like your foreshadowy skull there...

Only Nathan actually did. There's a robot in this movie too and that's what makes this film so special. I just spent three paragraphs setting up the protagonist. You thought it was Caleb didn't you? Nah. He just has the most screen time. I'm not trying to spoil anything, but do try to keep Ava's prospective in mind at all times.

It's a foregone conclusion that Alicia Vikander has "broken out." But I can't discribe her performance without spoiling her arc or intentions. Which are both the whole point of the film.

So SPOILERS.

"Oh don't get me started on i7 processors. You do not want to plumb the depths of my rage over i7 processors!"

She's playing everyone. She was programmed to. We never get to see the real Ava because she never lets you. She's tasked with escaping Nathan's compound and she does so brilliantly. The depth of Ava's deception is mostly thanks to Vikander who plays the virginal honey trap like I've never seen... hell, I fell for it. Harder than I like to admit. This is also a perfect date movie for the right kind of  girl. 

People are throwing Kubrick's name around in terms of visuals and they're not wrong. But I'd argue Kubrick wasn't this feminist. EM may not exactly pass the Bechdel test, but it is angrily anti-patriarchy. Even though it doesn't seem that way for the vast majority of the running time. It's shockingly refreshing in that regard. The camera pans over Ava are sexual, but never lurid. There's also a quick disco dance sequence that's also the most upsetting rape scene I can remember.

If for nothing else, enjoy this movie for butchering the "nice guy as de-facto hero" trope. I'm really sick if it. I don't care that I identified with Caleb the most. I don't care that I probably would have done everything he did. I care that the movie explicitly called out his unearned expectations for sex and violently denied them. He didn't deserve it and Ava deserved to be free. 

It's a great sexual politics yarn that everyone over the age of 18 needs to see.